Let's talk about NASCAR, old hollywood movie stars, let's talk about anything in this world

"Let's talk about baseball, Talk a little small talk, There's got to be a good joke that you've heard. Let's talk about NASCAR, Old Hollywood movie stars, Let's talk about anything, Anything in this world; But politics, religion, and her."
-Sammy Kershaw (singer, songwriter, American legend)

--After the Aarons 499 at Talladega Superspeedway, and after the start of another minor league baseball season, I couldn't help but talk a little NASCAR and baseball. The restrictor-plate race at Talladega was one of the most exciting and nerve-racking races I've ever seen. And, the amount of terrific minor league ballparks in North Carolina never ceases to amaze me.

--If you watched the race last Sunday, you know exactly what I'm talking about in regards to Talladega. Carl Edwards, Ryan Newman (in my opinion), and the trackside fans are fortunate to still be kicking. Brad keselowski started to make a last lap pass on Edwards; He had position underneath of Edwards; Edwards tried to get back down low; Insanity followed. Edwards' car ended up air born against the fence in front of the fans. WATCH IT HERE! Fast forward to 1:35 to start seeing all the different replays. How amazing is it that nobody died as a result of that accident?

--I'm not trying to recruit more people to be NASCAR fans, but I will say that any race at Talladega is what it's all about. It's down in the deep south where the fans are going to actually see the race; not to "see a spectacle" like the fairies in California and New Hampshire. In Talladega, the fans know that each and every driver is putting their head in the lion's mouth for 499 miles, and they respect them for it. I don't care who someone pulls for in NASCAR; when there's a bad accident at Talladega, every fan is concerned. That being said, as soon as those fans see a driver pop out of the window and walk away without injury, they will immediately return to flipping them off and yelling obscenities. Talladega and Daytona are the most dangerous tracks on the circuit due to the high speeds, and this really leads to an ultimate amount of respect from the fans.

--NASCAR fans care about the drivers and the drivers care about the fans to a greater extent than they do in any other professional athlete-fan relationship. Unfortunately, with the ever-growing purses and sponsorship deals, the drivers may eventually go the way of the professional baseball, basketball, and football player. But, for now, the drivers are extremely grateful for their support and return the favor every chance they get.

--The support that fans give NASCAR drivers is most evident when you consider NASCAR camping. Talladega is yet another track where you can see fields and fields full of RV's and tents full of people cheering on their favorite race teams. I was luck to see Talladega last week when I was driving back to North Carolina. It was the Friday before a Sunday race and the atmosphere was electric. It was 9:30 in the morning and people were already partying. Alot of campers will get to a track by Wednesday (even Tuesday) before a Sunday race to start camping and hanging out with other NASCAR fans. The camping aspect of NASCAR is an amazing event within an event. If you don't like NASCAR, I bet you'd like the camping.

--Moving on to baseball. If you're a North Carolina native, you are in the center of the minor league baseball world. North Carolina is the only state to have teams from every classification of minor league baseball represented within its borders. I'll briefly talk about the stadiums in NC. If you want to really learn some incredible stuff, pick up a copy of the book: Cradle of the Game by Mark Cryan. Here are your options in North Carolina:

1. The Asheville Tourists-McCormick Field (Single-A, South Atlantic League)-quaint old ballpark that has been renovated to keep up with the new stadium trends of luxury suites. McCormick Field is one of several North Carolina stadiums to be seen in the movie Bull Durham.

2. The Burlington Royals-Burlington Athletic Stadium (Short-season A, Most simply call this "Rookie ball." It's as low as you can go)-The BAS was also seen in the movie Bull Durham. Obviously I'm partial to this one because I worked there in '06 when they were still the Indians. You MUST get to this ballpark while you still can. It is one of a very, VERY few left of its kind. Baseball has been played there for over 46 years. The old wooden seats are gone and have been replaced with aluminum bleachers and plastic chairs, but it is still as "old school" as you can possibly get. You will never see a new ballpark designed in this way again: no luxury suites (just a sponsored seat upgrade to the roof right beside the press box).

I'll go over the other 8 soon...this post is way too flippin' long

Tancredo "Shut Down": Un-American

--As always, it's important to state that we here at Muffin Matters do not discuss political stances, religion, or the inner-workings of the female brain. Let's go back to number one: "Political stances." This is not to say that we do not discuss politics. It just means, you won't find the Muffin's views posted here.
--Regardless of your political views, the recent protesting of former U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo's speech on the campus of UNC was repulsive. Invited to campus to speak about immigration in America by a conservative student group, Tancredo's speech was put to a halt by liberal activist groups. Tancredo was cursed at, hissed at, and prevented from completing his speech.
--Without question the protesting groups emabarrased themselves and the University. In a final repulsive act, a brick or rock was thrown through a window causing Tancredo's staff and police to quickly escort him out of the building. Tancredo later said in a phone call to WRAL that he would perhaps "expect this from some 'Podunk' school, but NOT North Carolina."
--Dido.
--The protesting groups clearly lost the Constitutional battle in this one. The basis of the Constitution in regards to our rights is that we have the right and freedom to do anything we please AS LONG AS we don't impose upon the rights and safety of others. The protesting factions clearly did not respect the rights of Tancredo and those that showed up to hear him speak.
--Shameful.
--Un-American.

For Update's Sake!

--It's been a while. It has been, a while. Muffin Matters is back and ready to go. First off, congratulations to the UNC basketball team on making it to the Final Four. I am ready to party on Franklin Street; make it happen Heels.
--Now. To business. Let's get right to it. First off, I still hate hippies. John Wayne is still my hero. Next, America would be better off without Alex Rodriguez, Brittney Spears, Keith Olberman, AND Bill O'Reilly. The NCAA tournament is more American than you may realize. It teaches us that there are winners and losers in this great land. Someone must fail. If nobody fails, no one will succeed. Three cheers to the NCAA basketball tournament.
--I feel bad for Barack Obama. Something tells me he's up in the Oval office all by himself analyzing everything there is to analyze with the economy, foreign policy, health care, etc. Something also tells me he's distracted by a recurring thought about being president: "Well, this blows."
--Eric Church is the best thing to hit the country music landscape since Chris Ledoux and Dwight Yokam. He's a North Carolina native, and he's the best songwriter around. Get his new album, 'Carolina' ASAP. He's also a Tar Heel fan (deal with it Wolfies).
--Lastly, I am more discouraged than ever about the perceptions of the vertically challenged. Ladies, when talking about a man below 5'10" tall it is inaccurate and irritating to use terms such as 'adorable,' 'awwwwww!,' 'Oh, he is so cute' (like a Teddy Bear), or 'he's like a little brother.' One girl recently told me that her friend wanted her to pass a message along to me. The message was, "Tell him I think is soooo adorable." The message I sent back was, "Tell her I want to kick her in the back of the head."
--That brings me to a not so bad misconception of small people. Consider first what would happen if a tall and bulky man were to tell a girl, "I want to kick you in the back of the head." Everyone would say that the large guy is just a jerk or an a-hole with a big macho-man attitude. Now, consider what happens if someone my size or smaller tells a girl that he wants to kick a girl in the back of the head. The girl involved or the messenger will likely think and say something along these lines: "He's a psycho! He is absolutely crazy." That's right my short friends, there might actually be something cool about our size...You can freak people out.
--Until next time everyone. Thanks for reading.

UNC/Duke: Half

Duke is shooting lights out. UNC not making free throws like they did in Durham. Intense and exciting. Wish you were here. Tyler Hansbrough.

UNC/Duke-First Half

--9:44: Lot’s going on. It’s hard to keep up. Awesome game, awesome crowd. Wish you were here. Tyler Hansbrough.

--As my good friend and co-worker just said, I’m exhausted, and I’m not even cheering. Now, you must understand that we want to cheer, but it’s something you don’t do on press row. It’s an age-old tradition that stinks of the most horrid poop. 3:33 left, Duke is shooting lights out. UNC’s defense doesn’t look THAT bad to me.

Muffin Press Pass-UNC/Duke: Pre-Game

--As always, first things first; the pre-game meal. We were once again treated to Bullock's Barbeque which was amazing. No surprise that they go all out for this one. Lots of big names here already: Larry Brown (taking a day-off from the Slobcats), Clark Kellog, Andy Katz, and Jim Nance. They won't forget Bullock's anytime soone. Pork and chicken barbeque, baked beans, grean beans, creamed corn, chicken tenders, fried chicken, slaw, hush puppies, sweet tea. Awesome.
--To the game: I've got bad news. Ty Lawson is not partaking in the pre-game warm-ups. This changes everything. I'm not prepared to make a prediction until I know one way or the other that he's going to play.

This Chinese/American Flag

--This evening I write with a heavy heart. Some may see the issue at hand as trivial or silly, but an event stopped me in my tracks and made me shake my head in sadness today.

--Local snowfall lead to a day off from landscaping and counseling at the YMCA, so I was free to take care of some other business. One thing on the agenda was adding some decor to the Muffin Matters office space. After a mid-afternoon workout, I stopped by Roses to look for an American flag. I didn't have to look any farther than the registers at the front of the store. They had racks set up with flags, flag stands, and other flag accessories to help one properly display their American pride. For a brief moment I thought that $1.50 was just low for an American flag that was 60 inches long and about 34 inches wide, but I quickly brushed the notion aside. The transition was quick and painless, and I quickly made it back to the office to hang up my bargain-priced wall decor.

--As I removed the flag from its package I was paralyzed by what I read on the back. "MADE IN CHINA" Slowly, I came out of my state of shock and continued doing what I intended all along. I hung the flag above my office desk and took a seat to get to work.

--But no work could be done. I was and still am confused. This Chinese/American flag makes me sad; it makes me mad; it makes me hurt. This evening, I'm not here to discuss all the social, political, and economic happenings that have led to moments like this occurring. All I know is that it's not right. You're not suppose burn American flags. You're not suppose to let the Flag hit the ground. You're not suppose to hang the Flag upside down, even for a moment. But why do we allow China to produce OUR flag?

--A Muffin Matters employee caught me at my desk actually wondering about these very things. At this very moment, I'm at that same desk, with that same posture, trying to figure things out. Am I wrong for buying this flag that was produced in China? Should I have checked the label before purchase. And if I would have, should I have put it back and gone somewhere else to find an American/American flag? This American/American flag would have undoubtedly been more expensive. That creates more questions. With money tighter than ever, should one suck up the extra cost to buy American? Is this even feasible? If not, isn't the Flag maybe one thing you should stick to your morals on? I almost took the Flag off my wall, but it's still there. It has 50 stars. It has 13 stripes. 7 stripes are red. 6 stripes are white. It's absolutely an American flag. But. It's absolutely Chinese.

--It's been a sad day in the Muffin Matters office. Moral is low. Of all things "MADE IN CHINA" this one just isn't easy to come to terms with.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/G-Tech: 2nd half

--15:58: lots of play stoppages to open up the second half. The Heels are scoring in a hurry, though, so maybe I don’t mind it that much. John Edwards isn’t the only person in attendance worth mentioning this afternoon. Behind the bench, I see Melvin Scott and Damion Grant. Fantastic…where’s Byron Sanders though? Hansbrough

--11:45: Congrats to Hansbrough for the all time free-throws made record (907). That’s great, but I want the Psycho to go off and hit 40 in this one. Oh, look, the Blues Brothers are on the court. If they stopped that act, I wouldn’t be too torn up about it.

--7:56: I'm pleased that relatively few Tar Heel fans have left during this official timeout, but I bet the mass exodus will take place at the 4 minute official timeout. It's a little dissapointing that the lead isn't growing, but you can't get everything you want. I see Surry Wood is in attendance today and that's all I've got to say about that.

--3:30: Well, I’m sure we all have our opinions about the foul on Ellington. Just glad he’s ok. Hansbrough’s day is done. Looks like my prediction will go for not, but he still had a great day. I am more impressed with the fans now. They are not really leaving now at the 4 minute official timeout. Good for them. I’m sure the players and coaches appreciate it.

--1:39: The "Blue Team" will enter soon. Good game. I'm heading to the media room early I think. Yep, here comes the "Blue Team."

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/G-Tech: First Half

Fantastic anthem: Holden Thorpe and a student affairs representative. Got a great crowd more pumped. Hey look, a hard foul on Hansbrough.

--15:43: The fouling on Tyler Hansbrough has gotten ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he goes on a tri-state killing spree. He’s having a great game, though. John Edwards spotting: Yes, he’s here again with his brilliant hair…and today he’s sporting jeans and a blazer. Even John Edwards appreciates the Canadian Tuxedo.

--11:03: Hansbrough will finally get back into the game after sitting in front of the scorers table for minutes on end.

--6:43: Hansbrough, travel? Nah, dawg. What a sicko. A sicko psycho. In other news...how is G-tech so close? Why are they so close? I'm not having fun.

--3:36: I’m having fun now. They’ve finally managed to pull away, but we’ve learned to never take any lead for granted after MD. Hansbrough is on pace to hit the mark I projected. No big deal.

--Halftime: Finished strong. Girls soccer team is being honored at halftime for good reason…a 20th national championship. Just ridiculous. Great response from the crowd as well. And just so, I don’t give an update without saying his name; Hansbrough.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/GT: Pre-game

Let's see; first things first. The pre-game meal: Today we were treated with Qdoba's Mexican Grill. Not bad, but mostly forgettable. Good steak and chicken but questionable salsas and condiments. As always, I would have preferred Bullock's Barbeque.
-Now, as for the game. Georgia Tech is dead last in the ACC. If Carolina loses this one, they are obviously in big, BIG trouble. Tech has a couple of guys to watch in my opinion: Gani Lawal who is a fantastic rebounder and Lewis Clinch who was crucial in the upset over Wake Forest.
-Who knows what to expect from the Heels today. Coach Williams was calm and collected in his weekly press conference but obviously disappointed with the upset against Maryland. Williams seems to have put it in the proper perspective saying it isn't the end of the world, but he "didn't bring them ice cream and brownies all week, either."
-I love the 12:00 start. These use to be common place, but with TV agreements determining start times these days, the Heels are usually pushed back late in the day due to their popularity and talent. That's a huge issue in and of its self, but I don't want to get too far off topic. Let's just say TV rights and ratings are no excuse to make a student-athlete play a 9:00pm road game during the week. That's insane and absolutely shameful.
-Prediction (as if it matters at all): Carolina wins big...Tyler goes full circle in his career against G-Tech and drops 40 or more.

UNC/NC State: 2nd Half

--14:58: Things are starting to pick up for the Tar Heels’ offense. The call on Hansbrough against McCauley seemed incorrect, but it’s no biggy. I feel like the refs should have stepped in and talked to the two, though. Carolina’s baseball team was previewed during the timeout, and got a good response from the crowd. Dustin Ackley and the rest of North Carolina will officially open up the Bosh Friday night. Wish I could be there.

--11:50: North Carolina can’t quite put the nail in the coffin. I believe Wayne’s mishap on that break-away where he los the ball over the backboard was huge. It would have put the Wolfpack down 61-46. I really don’t think the Heels want to give State a chance. This could get ugly.

--7:31: Rameses the mascot is engaging in some destructive action down front. He just gave John Edwards a hard high-five and it shook Edwards’ hair around. He was not happy. Heels lead 71-59. One more unanswered bucket and I declare NC State in big trouble….Thank you Wanye Ellington 73-59.

--2:51: The Big 3 have stepped up big time. Hansbrough got beaten on the entire game without many calls. Ellington and Ty were stellar again. I love that UNC has not called off the dogs…yet. Good game overall. 89-73 with 2:17 left. 80% of the crowd has stayed. It would take a miracle for the Wolfpack now. I’m heading to the media room to party with Roy and make fun of Sidney’s jacket. I respect him, but not his jacket…period.

UNC/NC State: First Half

--14:36: Internet is shotty tonight. This could be an abbreviated Muffin Press Pass. Team looks good. Ty Lawson is filthy. Tyler Hansbrough is un-yielding. Bobby’s 3-point shot is horrendous to start. We’re pretty par for the course right now. Where’s Tyler Zeller?...As for the crowd. They’re good tonight but I really believe the crowds vs. Maryland and Miami were louder…other than the response to Ellington’s 3 point shot off the turnover.

--11:25: Forget what I said about the crowd. They’re “on” tonight. I don’t know if NC State is going to keep hanging on or what, but it seems like they’re over-matched despite the 17-17 tie…Could be one of those games.

--7:41: Welcome back Zeller. These refs are definitely letting all contact go, but they’re calling EVERYTHING else. Hansbrough looks confused right now. Moving on. With all due respect, and I am saying with all due respect: we need better looking dancers and Carolina.

--3:26: State came to play. Must give them credit. I see John Edwards with his fantastic hair in the crowd again. Things must be slow for the failed presidential candidate these days. Man, his hair really looks nice. Coach Williams constantly says he doesn’t look at the score during the first half. He may be disappointed at half-time tonight. The Heels seem to be playing fairly well, but the Wolfpack is right there.

--End 1st: Good game on both sides in the first half. It was stupid to “not expect much” from State tonight. They’ve played excellent basketball the last several games, and their confidence is sky high. Vasquez was good, but if he’s all they’ve got in the 2nd half as well, I like the Heels’ chances. If somebody else for State steps up like McCauley and Costner (even more than he has thus far), North Carolina is in trouble. Nice moment at halftime: the first Eve Carson Scholarship winner was announced and well received; obviously. Eve’s death as well as Jason’s are still extremely fresh around here.

UNC/NC State Pre-Game

The pre-game meal was DE-licious. Bullock's barbeque was on tap and I for one was in heaven. Sat by myself and gave other media members the stinky-eye to entertain myself, and then promptly left after finishing my final hush puppy.

--NC State tonight: they're playing well, but I still don't expect much. Tyler Zeller is going to do something big in his first game back...I hope.

I've Got Your Economic Stimulus: Go GREEN (and I ain't talking about energy)

--I’ve got your economic stimulus right here. I’ve got the answer. And if this answer is wrong, at least everyone will be a lot mellower.

--Maybe you’ve already figured it out, but I think the way to come out of this recession (ESPECIALLY in the South) is the legalization of marijuana. First, think of all the jobs! Everyone is going to want a piece of the new “pot”-pie. Factories would pop up across the southeast like tobacco plants back in the day. Farms would pop up all over the place too. High schoolers and college students could spend their summers making money on the pot farm…nice. Also, believe me when I say this: once marijuana is legalized, lots more people will smoke it, leading to more production, more jobs and more money. The government would benefit as well...obviously…they would see to this. Instead of spending money on the war on drugs, how about making some money from the taxes on legalized pot? Taxes on marijuana would most likely work just like taxes on alcohol and tobacco; the government would benefit greatly. Now for you serious pot-heads out there who smoke the stuff that makes you as useful and mobile as a pet rock…you may still have to go off the books to get your hash. It will be kind of like moonshine is to alcohol. The “good stuff” may still be illegal, but hey, let’s take this one step at a time.

--The Great Depression ended in the winter of 1932-1933. The government just happened to end Prohibition in 1933…coincidence? Maybe, but it’s worth considering. The bottom line to me is that the legalization of marijuana would drive commerce. People would be pumped, would they not? They would be going nuts for the idea of legalized pot. Shopping lists would be able to legally read as follows: “pick up eggs, bread, milk, fruit roll-ups, bananas, light bulbs, laundry detergent, batteries, and pot…and doughnuts, and chicken wings, and cookies, and pizza bagels, and brownie mix, and more doughnuts.”

--Again, the bottom line is that the decriminalization of marijuana would create jobs at factories and on farms. It would relieve some of the pressure on law enforcement officers who are constantly forced by the government to fight in the war on drugs. It would cause more spending. Look at how much Americans spend on tobacco and alcohol. And lastly, I’m not happy about this one, but the government could tax legal marijuana, and they could get the hell out of my wallet with their other ridiculous taxes.

--Now, I don’t want to spend too much time on what I see as our completely over-bearing and over-active government because that brings up different arguments altogether…but I believe marijuana should have been legal all along. The government must respect our rights to privacy. I don’t believe it’s their job to correct our bad habits; they should instead turn to society and families to do this. The founders of this great nation had the right idea. They didn’t even think about adding a Bill of Rights to the Constitution in the beginning, because they thought it was unnecessary. A Bill of Rights could actually be harmful, because it would suggest that any rights not explicitly spelled out in the constitution were not valid. Folks, the forefathers of this nation believed the government should stay out of our privacy, and out of our lives. I’m sorry if you think that’s debatable, because it’s not. It’s also non-partisan. It’s history.

--So what does all of this mean? It means that our nation was set up in a way to give us maximum freedoms and maximum rights WITH maximum consequences if you can’t handle these freedoms and rights responsibility without imposing on the rights of others. With that, it’s time to look at some of the reasons marijuana isn’t legal yet. The main argument thrown back at us by senators and congressmen is that the THC content is higher these days…it’s too strong…it’s a gateway drug, and it will lead to more illicit activities. Stronger these days? Yes. Should that change things? I don’t think so. First of all, if it leads to the use of more illicit drugs by some, so be it. With freedom comes responsibility. As long as these users don’t impose upon the rights of others, it’s their business. If these users did engage in other illicit activities, then they would be arrested and put to trial.

--The Drug Enforcement Administration claimed in their 2006 pamphlet “Speaking Out Against Drug Legalization” that legalization of pot would cause more crime…they claimed this and did not at all prove it with facts or figures. I can tell you what I’ve seen though. The people I’ve been around who have smoked marijuana wouldn’t want to (and in some cases be able to) assault or harm a butterfly. Secondly, if they did commit more crimes (most likely the theft of tasty pastries and fried goods)…they would be arrested. So to the DEA, I say, you are all idiots. Something tells me, our law enforcement agencies could handle the “increased crime.” And I argue crime would ABSOLUTELY lessen if we legalized pot and other illicit drugs, but we don’t have time for that today.

--Another of the DEA’s primary arguments against the legalization of cannabis is that people would then use more cannabis…really? Guess what idiots? If, for some reason, hamburgers were illegal and then they were legalized…the usage of hamburgers would increase.

--Lastly, you should take this argument from me seriously because I am 150% behind the legalization of pot and I am not a user, just as I am not a user of tobacco. Alcohol? Yes I drink Miller Lite and occasionally I’ll pretend I’m John Wayne and have some whiskey...responsibly. I believe all three of these drugs should be legal and people should make their decisions as they see fit. It’s the American thing to do.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/UVA: SECOND HALF

--13:19 left: Well, the Tar Heels seem to have a little more pep in their step to start off the second half, but it’s still a pretty lousy game so far. With Duke waiting for the Tar Heels on Wednesday I think the Heels have what I would like to coin as a “hang-under” waiting for the Blue Devils. 3-pointer, and one for Wayne Wonder. Nice.

----7:56 left: I am so flipping sick of “official timeouts.” Can you imagine how much shorter games would be without these ridiculous play stoppages? Oh well. North Carolina is starting to finally stretch their lead (58-40) but it is definite now that the Heels mailed this one in. Can’t say that I blame them, but we would all like to see more intensity, right? Hansbrough has had yet another solid game, and I hope he’s got more in store the final 8 minutes. However, it seems like the UNC offense is becoming more and more perimeter-oriented. Sort of unexpected in my opinion.

--1:15 and counting left: So this one is over. The "Blue Team" is in, and I don't particularly care about their exploits. I appreciate what they do, but I don't go nuts over them hitting 3 pointers. Lackluster performance overall today. Obviously, this wouldn't get it done versus Duke. Annnnd it's final: UNC 76, UVA 61. TO DURHAM!

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/UVA: First Half

--Starting lineups are being announced. The crowd’s cheering to choke out the announcement of opposing team’s lineup is really getting old in my opinion. # 1: it’s absolutely classless and pathetic. If there’s one time on a given day that you can show respect it’s at the beginning when starters are announced. #2: It’s pointless. Everybody does it these days so it doesn’t offend or bother the opposing team. #3: It’s Virginia we’re talking about. Why do we even care enough to ruin their intro? Tip-off: Carolina ball.
--14:52 left: Same old story on defense so far. Inability to maintain good ball pressure. Bobby Frasor has better hops than I thought. He just had that break-away lay-up and had some serious air to get over the defender from the left side.
--11:42 left: Disappointing start. At this early stage, it doesn’t seem like UNC is any closer to discovering “their identity.” Another great crowd though. I’m very surprised at how good the crowds have been for games against ACC bottom-feeders, Maryland and now UVA.
--3:48 left: Terrible. They’re sleepwalking. This is one of the worst halves they’ve played all season. Shots aren’t falling and the defense is…typical. No emotion. I honestly can’t blame them for feeling a little tired, though. The ACC powers that be should be shot in the nuts for their scheduling. These guys play at 8 or 9 almost every game and then they get a 4:00 pm Saturday start. Must be a little confusing for the body. That being said, let’s get it together for Michael Jordan’s sake. And with Dean Smith in attendance Roy may not be the only one chewing into these guys’ asses during halftime.
--HALF: UNC 33 UVA 25 Ed Davis has really been good for the Heels lately. Other than that, there's nothing to be excited for I don't think. Another offensive foul taken by Hansbrough towards the end. Maybe these guys will get it together. Quite a low point total. I don't enjoy that. Tar Heel Hall of Famers were honored at the half. Frank McGuire, Larry Brown, Roy Williams (in attendance), Billy Cunningham (in attendance), Bob McAdoo (in attendance), James Worthy (in attendance), and Dean Smith (in attendance) were all enshrined in the Naismith College Basketball Hall of Fame this year. Awesome.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC vs. UVA - PRE-GAME

--The pre-game media meal was catered in by Bojangle's. I enjoyed 4 chicken supreme strips, pinto beans, a biscuit and a cup filled to the brim of Bojangle's famous Sweet Tea. Most people at the pre-game media meal are with a group, and they sit with their group. I however, come alone representing WCHL. It's just like an elementary school cafeteria. People look at you like you have two heads if you try to sit at THEIR table. It makes me want to puke. Eventually, somebody is going to catch me at the wrong time with their stink-eye, and I'm going to throw Cajun Filet sauce right in their face.

--2:40 pm -Women's head coach Sylvia Hatchell is currently holding a press conference right now in the media room. She's addressing the upcoming Duke/Carolina game and insists that they are focused and ready. Coach Hatchell is a brilliant coach and fantastic person, so hopefully the squad doesn't choke against Duke. She also wanted to "pass along congratulations to Coach Pat Summit on her 1,000th win."

--3:44 pm: Miami just pushed Duke to overtime, but it looks they’re going to fold. Everyone in the media room has given up hope and made their way out onto the court for the Heels game. The Dean Dome has a different look during day games. Without a doubt, the lighting is better during the day with the canopy roof they have. It would be awesome if the Dean Dome had a retractable roof, especially on a day like today when it’s like 70 degrees outside. Unbelievable.

--Today's matchup: As we all know, Virginia poses an extremely minimal threat to North Carolina due to their inexperienced backcourt and inefficient frontcourt...Announcement: Dean Smith is at the Dean Dome today! He's sitting right behind the basket and the student risers section. I'm glad he showed up, because there's nothing else to really say about Dave Leitao's Cavaliers. The Heels just have to challenge themselves to play better defense. Tip off in 5 minutes.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/MD- SECOND HALF

-11:17-As you can tell, it has been a pleasantly uneventful second half so far. It would be more enjoyable to me if the Heels were winning by 80 and had 130 points by now, but hey, what-evs. Ah, the Blues Brothers time-out show. I still love it, but it needs a new twist. I’ll be dog-goned; a new twist. Nobody got it, but there was a new twist. Do you remember the NCAA logos that Coach Williams kept complaining about last year because they were so slippery? Well the Blues Brothers threw down a make shift NCAA logo and proceeded to slip on it during their spectacular dunk-finale. Most people just thought they screwed it up, but I noticed. Good effort.
-8:12-Well, well another flipping time out by Gary Williams. And a full one at that. Yo, Gary, you’re going to get a timeout right after the 8-minute mark. Chill-ax bro. Seriously, chillax, or I’m going to come down there and pop that zit you call a human head.
-6:57-And there you have your official time out. UNC has 94 points with 7 minutes left…UNC has 94 points with 7 minutes left. How ‘bout that. Tyler just drained a 3. Some people frown upon Tyler popping 3 pointers, but I absolutely love it. It really says, “You thought things were bad up till now opposing team? Well take this. I’m ginormous, and I’m knocking down 3’s. Things couldn’t get much worse for you. Go home. Now.”
-5:06-Two break-away scoring drives in a row. Big slam from Ellington and then Ellington picked up Lawson's missed layup. Half the crowd is exiting as a Terrapin is fouled. For all intensive purposes, this wraps up tonight's Muffin Press Pass installment. Unless Hansbrough picks Gary Williams up and slams him through the basket, we're through here. By the way as I type we have 103 points with 4:26 left...We have 103 points with 4:26 left.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/MD - FIRST HALF

-Warmups went well. The Heels are sporting their brilliant, new for 2009, Nike pre-game windsuits. The right sleeve has a checker-board pattern of Carolina blue and a darker blue. The left sleeve is solid Carolina blue. The front of UNC's warmups are simple and classy with a smal NC logo on the left breast. The Terrapins are wearing UnderArmour windsuits...of course. U.A. orginated out of College Park, and the company has taken care of the Terrapins for years. Stylish, but the black and red color scheme doesn't do it for me. They look like black widows, but not nearly as intimidating or freakish.
-The pre-game walk out ritual of the Tar Heels has taken on a life of its on. The Heels huddle right in front of the tunnel exit and proceed to yell and shout like rabid dogs. Perhaps it pumps them up, but they look foolish; just foolish I say. And to the Dean Dome PA audio crew: we don't need to hear this event at max volume in the stands. This ain't NASCAR; we don't need to "crank it up" here.
-I have just moved from my awesome seat right behind the basket to the upper-level press row. This was not because I was in the wrong seat or because I didn't have proper credentials, but because the writer from South Boston, Virginia weighs no less than 400 pounds...seriously...it's ridiculous.
-Game action! Ellington and Green are on...this is good. Do not fear the Turtle
-12:03: Tyler was just flagrantly fouled. Fear him. He will kill you. With his eyes. He is a freaking psycho. Well there's 2 more points for 'Brough. Why did Maryland think it a prudent idea to piss him off?
-5:05: We are on fire. I mean scorching. I haven't seen 3-point shooting this insane since I use to put in cheat codes on the "Double Dribble" Nintendo game. Oh, there's another one; atta baby Wayne. MAKE IT WAYNE! This is ridunkulous. I think we're 10-14 behind the arc now.
-End half: It’s just as disturbing to see Maryland throw up 44 points in one half as it is awesome that Carolina dropped 60. Oh well, let’s see what happens in the 2nd. Wayne Wonder scored 21 himself. What a man.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC vs. MD -PRE GAME

Welcome to the first installment of the Muffin Press Pass. Since I'm already covering the home basketball games for WCHL, I decided to cover them for MM as well. The posts will be updated while at the Dean Dome. They will be mostly non-informative and loosely fact-based...enjoy. First up tonight: Maryland comes to town for what I assume will be a good old fashioned smack down. I predict Hansbrough goes for no less than 27 points, the Heels win by no less than 20, and Gary Williams blows multiple blood vessels in his head, neck and throat area. Here we go...

Happy National Squirrel Day!

--Today, we honor America’s favorite rodent: the Squirrel. "National Squirrel Appreciation Day" was founded in 2001 by Asheville native, Christy Hargrove who is an animal rehabilitation specialist. Way to go Christy.

--The Squirrel already holds a place of honor in Muffin Matters history. Some of you may remember a post from July, in which we counted down “America’s Top-5 Animals.” The Squirrel came in at number 5. Fantastic.

--North Carolina natives are especially familiar with the squirrel, and anyone who has stepped foot on the campus of UNC has gotten their share of squirrel interaction. There are several different squirrel species in America, but those that live in the southeast are most familiar with the Eastern Gray Squirrel. Squirrels are very clever and can be trained and hand fed.

--Most little-known holidays just piss me off because they are absolutely pointless and fail to amuse me. Take for example National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day (January 11th). If you stepped in a puddle and splashed me, you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. You’d be just another hippie trying to take over the world with stupidity. How about “National Tap Dance Day” (May 25th)? If you want to celebrate this holiday by dancing around like a fairy in special “tapping shoes,” then be my guest, but I warn you: the only person to EVER somehow make tap dancing cool was Bill Cosby (you’ve got to check this video out). None of us are as cool as Bill Cosby, so we shouldn’t even try. Lastly, consider “National Punch Day.” Now some of you may be getting excited like I did when I first saw this one. But, this is not a day where you’re suppose to go around punching people that annoy you, in the face. It’s a day for frickin’ punch: [puhnch]- n. a beverage consisting of wine or spirits mixed with fruit juice, soda, water, milk, or the like, and flavored with sugar, spices, etc. Used in a sentence, “Whoever invented punch day should be stripped of their clothes, strapped down to a table, and covered with rabid SQUIRRELS.”

--Now, The Squirrel is a deserving little mammal that has earned the recognition. Too often, The Squirrel is only discussed when it’s flattened on a major highway or when it tries to eat bird seeds in your front yard. Maybe the squirrel has created havoc in your perennial flower garden, or maybe it has invaded your home as an unwelcome guest, but the squirrel has never meant any harm. It has only wanted your love. Well Squirrel, this is your day. Congratulations. You’ve earned it. From your silly alcohol abuse problems , to "Twiggy's" amazing water skiing, to your knack for delaying sporting events, we salute you.

Notes: Congrats Barack, snow, etc.

--The Muffin Matters staff has received several complaints due to the lack of presidential coverage. On behalf of the entire organization, I would like to apologize and explain. We here at M.M. celebrate the election and inauguration of Barack Obama as we will any future presidents. Our policy, from inception, has been simple and straightforward. Here at Muffin Matters, we don't discuss political leanings, religion, or the inner-workings of the female brain. It's just better this way. Once again, we do congratulate Barack Obama and wish him the best.

--One thing I will say on a personal note is that we should all get more involved in local and state elections. These elections will impact our day-to-day lives more than the presidential elections ever will. This is not an opinion; it is a fact. I read it. On Wikipedia.

--Moving on, significant snow has been forcasted in the Triangle of North Carolina for the first time this winter. I for one, am terrified. I plan on buying no less than 5 gallons of milk and 10 loaves of bread. I am going to a hardware store, and I'm going to buy chains to strap to the tires of my Sentra. My roommates and I are going to install a fireplace in our living room, and we're going to buy 3 kerosene heaters. We're also going to purchase a generator for when the power inevitably fails. We're going to round up volunteers to check on women and children during this monstrous winter weather event. If you're older than 80-years-old, I have bad news...you will not make it through this storm. As for the roadways...as soon as one-eighth of an inch of frozen precipitation falls, the roads will become impossible to travel on. Stay home, and let the professionals that drive those news vans around travel the roads. As I mentioned earlier, we don't discuss religion here on M.M., but if you aren't religious, you might want to start being so now. 2-4 inches of snow people. Don't chance it.

My Grandfather bought us goats

-Every now and then a thought or memory crosses my mind that I feel compelled to pass along before I forget it.

-This is one such occurrence.

-When my brother, my cousins and I were younger, we would visit our grand-daddy Jim and grand-mother Dolores down in Kings Mountain each summer for a week or so. Sometimes me and Brad would be there the same time as our cousins Michael and Robbie. Sometimes we would be there different weeks.

-Anyway, Grandmother and Granddaddy always wanted us to have a good time so they would have stuff lined up to entertain us. Sometimes it was ice cream, sometimes it was putt-putt, sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was cards. And sometimes, it was goats.

-Grandaddy has had a barn for as long as I've been around. Mostly, he's had cows and horses. He almost exclusively raises cows just as a hobby. He's gone to livestock auctions (sale barns) forever, and he'll go for as long as he can I suppose. At these sale-barns, you can get all kinds of livestock...including GOATS!

-Well Jim figured (rightly so) that we would enjoy having a pet goat for the weeks we came to visit. And why not? They're cheap, easy to take care of, and they can keep a kid busy; especially one as simple-minded and as easily entertained as me.

-I guess we should have taken his advice when he said, "don't go getting to attached to that goat. He/she won't be around long."

-Well, I didn't listen. I almost ALWAYS named the booger Billy. I would feed Billy hay, I would feed Billy grass, I would pet Billy, I would run around with Billy, and I would take Billy for walks...Have you ever tried walking a goat? It's basically like hooking a cat to a leash...they ain't made for taking on walks. Anyway, I'd get attached to the goats, and it would almost always end poorly.

-Sometimes the goats would be treated to the finest lodging experience in one of Jim's old trailers. Other times, the goats would be treated to a rope and a tree. Let me tell you something my friends; these "Billy's" were up against heavy odds. If they got the royal treatment in the trailers, they would either be targeted by the "foreign" people down the road who had a "fancy" for goat delicacies, or they would be at a sale barn the next week going to God knows where entertaining some other redneck ankle-biter looking to party down at the barn. However, these "trailer" goats were the lucky ones.

-It was the other "Billy's" who didn't have it so good and who are now "baa-aaa-a-ing" with the angels. It was these guys that got the rope and tree treatment. Don't get the wrong idea; Granddaddy Jim never planned for the goats to get hurt, but things just happened. Anyway, it is now crucial to the story that I mention that Jim and Dolores live in a part of North Carolina that had an overly large population of wild, stray dogs at the time. Wild stray dogs are ruthless hunters of the American southeastern plains. They hunt by sense of fear. They intimidate just as many potential prey into submission as they do run them down. Friends, a "goat on a rope" is no challenge at all for a K-9 killer with the instincts of a honey badger.

-Needless to say, my childhood relationships with the Billy's were short lived and traumatic. Sometimes I would be told the stone-cold truth. Other times, I would be told nothing...The rope would be there when I went outside, but Billy would not. It was a tough lesson in reality that I'm glad I got. Things aren't always peachy. Sometimes, things get rough and tough. Sometimes a pet goat is more vulnerable than a candy bar at Fat Camp.

-I may have a pet or two in the future. I may buy a dog or get a fish aquarium. I may throw a hamster in a plastic orb. But I don't know if I'll ever have another goat. At least not right now. It's just too soon

What are we to make of this?

--Sometimes here on Muffin Matters, we analyze subjects to determine their American-ness or Un-American-ness. Other times, it is very clear.

--I don't know that I have ever seen anything as American as this dog. It is proud. It is confident (borderline cocky but not quite). It is a sharp dresser. It is AMERICAN.

--I discovered this dog on a brilliant website that also celebrates the joys of everything American. If you have a chance, you must check out http://countdownla.wordpress.com/. It depicts the experiences, ideas, and thoughts of a Carolina alum as he prepares to travel west in search of good fortune, women and whiskey. Solid read. Enjoy!

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I hate hippies, how about you?

Section I: The introduction of the problem

Dictionaries and encyclopedias cannot define,
What make hippies mortal enemies of mine.
So now I’m going to write and rhyme,
And tell you why they are out of line.

But before I start, I want to say,
I’m going to write this poem, my way.
Syntax, alliteration, assonance, consonance, and rhyme schemes be danged,
The main point is that hippies tick me off and make me want to puke.

Hippie, you seek to rid yourself of societal restrictions in the Land of the Free,
But you constantly refuse to do the courtesy of ridding Myself of Thee.
Bus stop, train stop, the college quad, post office and the mall,
Your baggy clothes and dirty hair are on display for all.

Your looks and external appearance are just the start,
It’s your political views that make me want to fart.
You question authority, challenge gender differences, and often do drugs,
But instead of voting or mobilizing, you prefer giving unwanted hugs.

Section II: Hippies have problems, not solutions

Some say hippies are harmless,
Why waist my time
Merle Haggard said it best,
They’re simply out of line

It went something like this-
“When you’re running down our country…”
This part you can’t miss
“You’re walking down the fighting side of me”

Peace, saving the environment, and running down this country,
They are the biggest of your most sacred, timeless creeds.
But you do not organize and instead insist on the free,
The free love that leads to the planting of tainted seeds.

You’re pacifists! You’re pacifists! We get it,
You all think you’ve seen the light.
Leave me alone; make sure your bong is lit,
Fact is, you’re too stoned to fight.

Section III: If you’re offended, you offend me

Some will be offended
By these subtle words of mine.
But anti-American sentiments
Send shivers up my spine.

How many times do you need to be reminded
That several countries don’t do so well.
In other places,
Your off-handed comments would land you in jail.

I guess the truth is that it doesn’t really matter,
What you hippies think of me.
With flowers in your hair and yellow in your belly
I could never take you seriously.

Section IV: In conclusion

You stink, you’re dirty, you’re ridiculous, you suck
You’re inconsequential, you’re ugly, you’re soft, you suck
You waist our time, you look funny, you act funny, you suck
You’re unappreciative, you’re silly, you’re a joke, you suck

Ok, ok,
I think I’ve calmed down.
Since I can’t legally throw rocks at you,
I can write to get a smile out of a frown.

NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL REPORT (taken from Saturday's edition): Muffin Matters administration battles recession

December 06, 2008
DURHAM, NC
--The ever-worsening national recession has finally reached the front office of Muffin Matters LLC. CEO Casey Sturgill finally addressed the media Saturday morning after a 2-month long website absence.
--"I apologize to the loyal readers of Muffin Matters. In these bleak economic times, the one thing we can't stand to lose is a steady dose of Americana. We have not been providing that, and I take full responsibly for this situation" said Sturgill during a brief but upbeat press conference in Durham, North Carolina late Friday night.
--Sturgill cited the growing employment crisis as the primary culprit of Muffin Matters' recent inefficiency. Every staff member at Mufffin Matters LLC is part-time, and Sturgill said his employees are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. As a result, the staff has been unable to meet previous quotas. Sturgill himself had been out of work since September 15th. He has recently been employed at a local landscaping company, but his period of unemployment nearly brought Muffin Matters to its knees. Sources say Sturgill battled mental instability after failing a Walmart assesment for employment. Walmart officials were contacted in late November. They told reporters that Sturgill had contacted them on several occassions angry and seemingly drunk. "He told us that Arkansas (Walmarts home state) sucks, and that it should be nuked off the face of the planet. We also believe that he is the one that called us 12 nights in a row asking if our refrigerators were running. And we're fairly certain, due to similar slurring speech patterns, that he is the one who called twice asking for a full refund for his entire life-spendings at our store because he said we were hippies. Had to be him."
--Sturgill denies Walmart's claims but does admit failing the presumably elementary and simple employee assesment test. "To those that say Walmart ruined my life...Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. Am I pissed? Sure I'm pissed. A drunken monkey with a reading disability could pass that exam, and I failed it. However, that is not the reason I shut myself off from the world wide net web for 2 months." Sturgill was removed from the podium shortly after his comments on Walmart due to what appeared to be an emotional breakdown.
--The exact size of Muffin Matters LLC is unknown and Sturgill once again refused to directly address that issue. When asked how many Americans Muffin Matters LLC employs, Sturgill responded, "Pick a number between 1 and 10."
--The size of Muffin Matters LLC has been an issue before. In August of 2007, the IRS threatened to levy steep fines on the company, but Sturgill and the IRS settled the dispute outside of court over a cup of coffee and a screening of "True Grit" starring John Wayne. An IRS spokesman later said, "We like the way he thinks. We're going to give him another shot. Worse case scenario, we demand another meeting just to see what spectacular classic American film he chooses to have coffee over."
--New posts are expected on the website within 48 hours, and Sturgill pledged to sell his majority ownership of the LLC if that deadline is not met.

-Hugh Damnright, The New York Times
-for more updates stay posted at http://www.nytimes.com/jk/lol!/omg/wtf

Hi, my name's Casey, and I failed a Walmart employment exam

--My good friends, I need you now more than ever. I have hit rock bottom. This is the lowest point in my life to date. Not even ruining my favorite Snoopy underpants with an inopportune bowel movement at age 3 holds a candle to what has just happened. Folks, I speak of failing the W.almart A.ssesment for M.anagerial E.mployment (The Whamey as I like to call it). “Why in the heck were applying for a job at Walmart? You can’t find anything else?” you might be asking. There’s rent to be paid and food to be bought people. And nobody likes a homeless, hungry Muffin now do they? I didn’t think so. I need a job! I was just exploring all of my options! Don’t judge me. You could laugh; I deserve it…But this event has put me in such a fragile state, that I really don’t think I can handle your jeers.

--13 years in the Stokes County school system failed to prepare me for the Whamey. Four and a half years at the nation’s third ranked public university, North Carolina, did not successfully prepare me for the Whamey. More than 8 years of full and part-time work experience, didn’t help me pass the Whamey. HOWEVER, I have only myself to blame. I took the 72-question, 30 minute, multiple-choice, psycho-analytical test. Nobody else is responsible.
Where did I go wrong? Let’s see, there was the question that asked how much money I had stolen from previous employers in the last 5 years. I saw right through that trap door. They wanted me to lie and say $0, but I know honesty is the best policy. I bubbled in $150,000- $250,000 like a champ.

--Next were the ridiculous hypothetical. For example: “James and Meg are having an argument in your department. Bob is accusing Meg of doing her job incorrectly, and Meg is becoming very upset. They are both raising their voices. What do you do?” My favorite option was A: “Do nothing and watch.” As much as I wanted to select that answer, I wanted even more to write in my own…

I would immediately attack James and Meg with a karate chop to each or their throats. I would tell them to stop their ridiculous argument. I would start with James. I would tell him, “James, contrary to the contemporary pop-music you and crazy kids listen to today, ‘bitches’ are in fact more than hoes and tricks. You can’t yell at her and give her a hard time each and every day.” Next, I would sit down with Meg. I’d say, “Meg, you’re working full-time at Walmart. That may be a reason to shout, yell, or cry, but insults and smack-talking from a fella that just earned his GED at age 46, are not.”

--Lastly were the phrases and philosophies that I had to agree with or disagree with. I had a choice between, “Strongly disagree, Disagree, Neither agree nor disagree, Agree, and Strongly Agree.” I thought these were the gimmies. These were the ones easy enough for a drunken monkey to answer correctly…or were they. I got phrases such as: “I am a mentally stable person,” “I enjoy telling people off,” “I am angry most of the time,” “I think it’s ok to sleep at work if I’m really tired,” etc.

--Somewhere, I went wrong. Somewhere along the way, I became the latest victim of the WHAMEY. Don’t be next. Study hard people. If you’re going to be a shift supervisor or manager at Walmart, you had better start hitting the books. Something tells me Sam Walton wouldn’t be pleased with the Whamey. Things use to be simpler. I bet when he ran the show, if you wanted to be a shift manager, he would simply ask you prove that you could tie your shoes and feed yourself.

--You know what though? I can’t get the last laugh this time. I failed an assessment exam at Wal-Mart. They win. Big time.

Mullet Matters: A promise fulfilled

-Well, I stuck to my word and got a mullet. I’d first like to thank Natasha from Walmart for the haircut. I’ve got to say I was concerned at first. Natasha didn’t know what a mullet was. I thought that the mullet was the default hairdo in Arkansas, but apparently not. We worked through it together, though. She was also very sweet. She kept telling me that, “it actually looks pretty good,” even though we both knew it was a blatant lie.

-And to Denise who was waiting to get her hair colored at the Walmart hair care center: thank you for your kind words as well. Denise told me that I, “was too young to appreciate the 80’s, but my haircut would make the decade proud.” I responded with, “mam, I appreciate the compliment, but let’s be honest, I look like an idiot.” She fired back, “You don’t look like an idiot! It looks good! And look at those cute curls on the end. You don’t look like an idiot, sweetie.” Well, Denise most likely wasn’t telling a blatant lie, but because she actually thinks my mullet looks good…I feel sorry for her.
-Upon leaving Walmart, I felt different. I saw the look in the folks’ eyes that passed me. The looks varied from, “This fella ain’t right. Bless his little heart” to “This guy looks pissed. He’s only 5’7”, but I don’t think I should mess with him” to “Look at this idiot.”
-After walking through the Walmart parking lot, I hopped into my good ol' buddy, Ian Bowman's truck. After he stopped laughing, he got serious. He said, “That actually looks natural for you.” I haven’t yet decided if I am offended or honored by that comment. Either way, it was unexpected.

-The mullet has its positives. It is a symbol of freedom and rebellion in the South. It says, “I have a Constitutional right to wear my hair however I choose, and if I choose to ‘chop the top and let the back rock’ then I can damn well do it.” It also says, “I love NASCAR, country music, bug zappers, and duct tape.” That’s me alright.

-The mullet certainly has its negatives as well. Unfortunately it also sometimes says, “I didn’t have enough money for a full haircut and this is what happened.” Unfortunately, it sometimes says, “I dislike minorities, queers, yankees, smart people, people with good hygiene, and wealthy people.” I’m not down with all that stuff, so for those reasons I’m looking forward to ditching the mullet.

-Beyond the positives and negatives is the awesomeness of the mullet. The mullet is a cultural phenomenon, and if anything it expresses that one really doesn’t give a dang. I’m down with that. It’s hard to explain exactly what makes the mullet awesome, but every time we see one, we point and either laugh or exclaim, “That. Is. Awesome.” Sometimes we do both. So with that, I’m going to go outside into the world for my normal afternoon run. Whatever happens, happens. The mullet is undoubtedly an established piece of Americana, and for that reason I am proud to wear it.

Olympic Breakdown (8-10-08)

-By the time you read this, the medal counts will already be outdated and inaccurate, but we’ve got to have some Olympic coverage on Muffin Matters, right? Actually, we probably don’t need any Olympic coverage at all. We’re in America. Here in America, we only care about 2 things: College sports and the “World Championships” handed out by professional leagues that are completely housed within the borders of the USA and Canada…What a joke. Where are we at in society? Why don’t we care about the Olympics? I’m not going to sit here and analyze that question, because I don’t have enough time. I’m just going to give you my Olympic breakdown.

-We’ll start with the overall medal count. China has 8 and the US has 8, but China has 6 golds while we only have 2. South Korea also has more golds than the US with 3. Let’s get something straight: gold is all that matters. If you ain’t first, you’re last. 2nd place is the 1st loser. And third place…third place? Who cares? Four of America’s 8 medals are bronze. WEAK! They should give them back or sell them on Ebay. Perhaps you’re saying, “Well I’d like to see you win a medal in the Olympics, Casey.” Shut up. It’s not like you’ve never criticized talented athletes before. And besides, if I were a highly tuned Olympic athlete, I wouldn’t have time to provide you with these blogs each week. Going by the OVERWHELMING positive response I’ve received from Americana Monday readers this year, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this column.

-Back to the medal count. So South Korea has 5 medals in all, putting them in third place. Italy and Russia have 4 medals a piece, and Japan, France, and North Korea each have 3 medals. The former Soviet Union would be ashamed with Russia’s Olympic performance so far. Back in the day, the Soviets basically started a child’s Olympic training as soon as they exited their mother’s womb.

-To the French now; I don’t expect much from them in these Olympics. Maybe they should stop smoking so many of those girly cigarettes (you know; the ones that look like Virginia Slims). When it comes to athletics, would anybody even care about France if not for the Tour de France? I don’t think so. And when they play soccer internationally…what a bunch of wimps. They do nothing but flop. This is pretty much the wrap on any international “futbol.” For those of you waiting for soccer to catch on in America...bless your little hearts; you’re so cute and naive.

-I see Germany is way down on the list with one crappy bronze medal. Maybe Barak Obama will make one more international stop and come by the German locker room to give them another inspirational pep talk.

-Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s country of origin, has one silver medal. I think the Austrians are currently lobbying the Olympic committee to make “Flexing” and Olympic sport, but until that day comes, they’ll have to settle for success in the winter games only.

-Lastly, it looks like a butt load of countries (19 in fact) like Turkey, Uzbekistan, Algeria, and Zimbabwe have 1 medal a piece. Are the Olympics sort of like the SAT? Do you get one medal just for signing in?

-What can we expect and hope for, for America? Well, all of us should start drafting our “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps right now. He is going to single handedly keep us in the medal chase with his swimming expertise. I’m not taking anything for granted with the US basketball team. It may appear as if they all have their heads screwed on properly right now, but we’ll see what happens. Those arrogant, selfish, overpaid pricks better suck it up and play team ball for a change, or their going to get embarrassed again. International basketball isn’t what it once was. The NBA style of play doesn’t even come close to getting it done against the well-oiled machines the US is going to be up against. If the “Redeem Team” fails though, the blame won’t fall squarely on the shoulders of the players. We all know that it will mainly fall on the shoulders of USA head coach, Mike Krewqioewrnflzjfiozdklfweixwhatever-shef-ski.

-That’s it for the Olympic break down. Have a nice day.

The Wild West

“People are too dagum soft these days. If you have a problem with somebody, or if somebody ticks you off, you ought to be able to challenge them to a gunfight. Problem solved. Unless that is, you’re too slow. And if you’re too slow, you shouldn’t go around starting gunfights.”
-Greg Johnston, North Little Rock, AR

-This week we’re going to talk about the philosophy of the Old West. My fascination with the Old West stems from my interest in western movies, especially those that star John Wayne. The philosophy of the Old West is simple, but not very feasible. It's fun to think about though.

-The philosophy of the Old West is well summed up in the opening quote from my boss over here in Arkansas. It’s rough, it’s tough, and if you’ve got a problem with somebody, you take care of it. There’s more to it than just gunfights though. Let’s see; there’s whiskey drinking, piano playing, cattle driving, exploring, family raising, farming, wanted posters, poker games, living the manifest destiny, and countless other things I don’t have time to list.

-Like anything, the philosophy of the Old West has its positives and it has its negatives. Sure, the modern life we enjoy today may seem 1,000 times better than the way people lived in the 19th century, but let’s just throw everything on the table and re-evaluate for the heck of it.

THE GOOD: Every young boy at some point has thrown on a cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowboy fighting off bandits and rounding up herds on the cattle drive. The Old West was adventurous, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. At that time in American history, the western part of the nation was still being settled, and one could set out in any direction they chose trying to find good land and a great life.

T-he cowboys of the Old West also knew how to party. We have them to thank for something men still do today: gather, drink, and play poker. However, their carrying of guns made each game a bit more volatile than ours today. I know what some of you may be thinking. “Not everybody carried guns in the Old West.” That’s true, but not carrying a gun in Wild West would be about as stupid as not wearing a seatbelt in a NASCAR race.

-There was little or no nonsense in the Old West. First and foremost, there were no hippies. That’s a big plus in my book. Also, if you tried to explain the concept of being “politically correct” to someone in the Old West, they would laugh at you and spit tobacco in your eye. Then, they would hop on their horse and say “how’s that for ‘politically correct’” as they rode away laughing and hollering with their posse while they fired rifles aimlessly into the air.

-Let’s not forget about the railroad. Today we’ve got the interstate system; back then they were working on the Trans-Continental Railroad, and it was something else. It was completed in 1869, and it could get you just about anywhere you wanted to go. The railroad helped to develop areas economically. It helped outlaws escape the law, and it provided a good target for them as well. The railroad also helped the good guys chase down and catch the outlaws.

-And the women…oh boy! Have you seen many westerns? Those girls knew how to dress. They proved that more is less. However, you would have wanted to stay away from the “friendly” women that lived on the second floor of the saloon. They were naughty. Very, very naughty.

THE BAD: In the Wild West you always had to be on the look out for bandits! We have enough bank robberies here in the 21st century. Lack of electronic security and technology made it a lot easier to get away with stealing dough back then. In the Old West you were better off burying your gold and money in a box way out past the big rock, beyond the Devil’s Canyon, right under the big oak tree, along the river.

-Even though the Wild West provided a fantastic opportunity for exploration and adventure, it also provided a fantastic opportunity to get lost and never be heard of again. That’s right; lots of folks took off and were never heard of again. ANYTHING could have happened to them: a bear attack; a failed attempt at “fording” the river; lack of food; dysentery; losing a gunfight; winning a gunfight, but then being shot from behind by the loser’s low-down sidekick; a fall into a canyon; a snake bite; getting hit by Doc Brown’s Delorean while he’s on one of his crazy time travel trips to the Wild West; dehydration, or an American badger attack.

THE UGLY: We touched on dysentery already, but the wide array of other diseases and the lack of advanced medicine is a crucial short coming of the Wild West. People died all the time! A lot of times when someone died, it was blamed on “The Fever” or the “Yellow Fever” but they actually died of various illnesses that couldn’t be properly diagnosed at the time.

-Conflict with Native Americans is another sad and upsetting element of the Wild West. “Manifest Destiny” is a term you hear often in regards to continued settlement towards the West…but there were some folks that were already there. This resulted in some conflict. It was indeed ugly. Sometimes relations were peaceful, but more often than not, there was some fighting. Trust was hard to gain by both parties. The whole situation is very difficult to analyze without bias or conflicting emotions, so we’re just going to leave it alone.

-Lastly, there were drunks. “We have drunks today!” you might say. At least today, a much smaller percentage of drunks walk around strapped with revolvers.

-So there you have a very, very abbreviated synopsis of philosophy and ways of the Old West. I think I would have loved it…as long as I could avoid all the deadly stuff. No risk, no reward, right? There’s lots of stuff that can kill you today too. I’m going to grab some Wild Turkey and a gun, and then I’m going to head over to Doc Brown’s house to party. We’ll see what happens.