Olympic Breakdown (8-10-08)

-By the time you read this, the medal counts will already be outdated and inaccurate, but we’ve got to have some Olympic coverage on Muffin Matters, right? Actually, we probably don’t need any Olympic coverage at all. We’re in America. Here in America, we only care about 2 things: College sports and the “World Championships” handed out by professional leagues that are completely housed within the borders of the USA and Canada…What a joke. Where are we at in society? Why don’t we care about the Olympics? I’m not going to sit here and analyze that question, because I don’t have enough time. I’m just going to give you my Olympic breakdown.

-We’ll start with the overall medal count. China has 8 and the US has 8, but China has 6 golds while we only have 2. South Korea also has more golds than the US with 3. Let’s get something straight: gold is all that matters. If you ain’t first, you’re last. 2nd place is the 1st loser. And third place…third place? Who cares? Four of America’s 8 medals are bronze. WEAK! They should give them back or sell them on Ebay. Perhaps you’re saying, “Well I’d like to see you win a medal in the Olympics, Casey.” Shut up. It’s not like you’ve never criticized talented athletes before. And besides, if I were a highly tuned Olympic athlete, I wouldn’t have time to provide you with these blogs each week. Going by the OVERWHELMING positive response I’ve received from Americana Monday readers this year, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this column.

-Back to the medal count. So South Korea has 5 medals in all, putting them in third place. Italy and Russia have 4 medals a piece, and Japan, France, and North Korea each have 3 medals. The former Soviet Union would be ashamed with Russia’s Olympic performance so far. Back in the day, the Soviets basically started a child’s Olympic training as soon as they exited their mother’s womb.

-To the French now; I don’t expect much from them in these Olympics. Maybe they should stop smoking so many of those girly cigarettes (you know; the ones that look like Virginia Slims). When it comes to athletics, would anybody even care about France if not for the Tour de France? I don’t think so. And when they play soccer internationally…what a bunch of wimps. They do nothing but flop. This is pretty much the wrap on any international “futbol.” For those of you waiting for soccer to catch on in America...bless your little hearts; you’re so cute and naive.

-I see Germany is way down on the list with one crappy bronze medal. Maybe Barak Obama will make one more international stop and come by the German locker room to give them another inspirational pep talk.

-Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s country of origin, has one silver medal. I think the Austrians are currently lobbying the Olympic committee to make “Flexing” and Olympic sport, but until that day comes, they’ll have to settle for success in the winter games only.

-Lastly, it looks like a butt load of countries (19 in fact) like Turkey, Uzbekistan, Algeria, and Zimbabwe have 1 medal a piece. Are the Olympics sort of like the SAT? Do you get one medal just for signing in?

-What can we expect and hope for, for America? Well, all of us should start drafting our “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps right now. He is going to single handedly keep us in the medal chase with his swimming expertise. I’m not taking anything for granted with the US basketball team. It may appear as if they all have their heads screwed on properly right now, but we’ll see what happens. Those arrogant, selfish, overpaid pricks better suck it up and play team ball for a change, or their going to get embarrassed again. International basketball isn’t what it once was. The NBA style of play doesn’t even come close to getting it done against the well-oiled machines the US is going to be up against. If the “Redeem Team” fails though, the blame won’t fall squarely on the shoulders of the players. We all know that it will mainly fall on the shoulders of USA head coach, Mike Krewqioewrnflzjfiozdklfweixwhatever-shef-ski.

-That’s it for the Olympic break down. Have a nice day.