My Grandfather bought us goats

-Every now and then a thought or memory crosses my mind that I feel compelled to pass along before I forget it.

-This is one such occurrence.

-When my brother, my cousins and I were younger, we would visit our grand-daddy Jim and grand-mother Dolores down in Kings Mountain each summer for a week or so. Sometimes me and Brad would be there the same time as our cousins Michael and Robbie. Sometimes we would be there different weeks.

-Anyway, Grandmother and Granddaddy always wanted us to have a good time so they would have stuff lined up to entertain us. Sometimes it was ice cream, sometimes it was putt-putt, sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was cards. And sometimes, it was goats.

-Grandaddy has had a barn for as long as I've been around. Mostly, he's had cows and horses. He almost exclusively raises cows just as a hobby. He's gone to livestock auctions (sale barns) forever, and he'll go for as long as he can I suppose. At these sale-barns, you can get all kinds of livestock...including GOATS!

-Well Jim figured (rightly so) that we would enjoy having a pet goat for the weeks we came to visit. And why not? They're cheap, easy to take care of, and they can keep a kid busy; especially one as simple-minded and as easily entertained as me.

-I guess we should have taken his advice when he said, "don't go getting to attached to that goat. He/she won't be around long."

-Well, I didn't listen. I almost ALWAYS named the booger Billy. I would feed Billy hay, I would feed Billy grass, I would pet Billy, I would run around with Billy, and I would take Billy for walks...Have you ever tried walking a goat? It's basically like hooking a cat to a leash...they ain't made for taking on walks. Anyway, I'd get attached to the goats, and it would almost always end poorly.

-Sometimes the goats would be treated to the finest lodging experience in one of Jim's old trailers. Other times, the goats would be treated to a rope and a tree. Let me tell you something my friends; these "Billy's" were up against heavy odds. If they got the royal treatment in the trailers, they would either be targeted by the "foreign" people down the road who had a "fancy" for goat delicacies, or they would be at a sale barn the next week going to God knows where entertaining some other redneck ankle-biter looking to party down at the barn. However, these "trailer" goats were the lucky ones.

-It was the other "Billy's" who didn't have it so good and who are now "baa-aaa-a-ing" with the angels. It was these guys that got the rope and tree treatment. Don't get the wrong idea; Granddaddy Jim never planned for the goats to get hurt, but things just happened. Anyway, it is now crucial to the story that I mention that Jim and Dolores live in a part of North Carolina that had an overly large population of wild, stray dogs at the time. Wild stray dogs are ruthless hunters of the American southeastern plains. They hunt by sense of fear. They intimidate just as many potential prey into submission as they do run them down. Friends, a "goat on a rope" is no challenge at all for a K-9 killer with the instincts of a honey badger.

-Needless to say, my childhood relationships with the Billy's were short lived and traumatic. Sometimes I would be told the stone-cold truth. Other times, I would be told nothing...The rope would be there when I went outside, but Billy would not. It was a tough lesson in reality that I'm glad I got. Things aren't always peachy. Sometimes, things get rough and tough. Sometimes a pet goat is more vulnerable than a candy bar at Fat Camp.

-I may have a pet or two in the future. I may buy a dog or get a fish aquarium. I may throw a hamster in a plastic orb. But I don't know if I'll ever have another goat. At least not right now. It's just too soon

What are we to make of this?

--Sometimes here on Muffin Matters, we analyze subjects to determine their American-ness or Un-American-ness. Other times, it is very clear.

--I don't know that I have ever seen anything as American as this dog. It is proud. It is confident (borderline cocky but not quite). It is a sharp dresser. It is AMERICAN.

--I discovered this dog on a brilliant website that also celebrates the joys of everything American. If you have a chance, you must check out http://countdownla.wordpress.com/. It depicts the experiences, ideas, and thoughts of a Carolina alum as he prepares to travel west in search of good fortune, women and whiskey. Solid read. Enjoy!

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I hate hippies, how about you?

Section I: The introduction of the problem

Dictionaries and encyclopedias cannot define,
What make hippies mortal enemies of mine.
So now I’m going to write and rhyme,
And tell you why they are out of line.

But before I start, I want to say,
I’m going to write this poem, my way.
Syntax, alliteration, assonance, consonance, and rhyme schemes be danged,
The main point is that hippies tick me off and make me want to puke.

Hippie, you seek to rid yourself of societal restrictions in the Land of the Free,
But you constantly refuse to do the courtesy of ridding Myself of Thee.
Bus stop, train stop, the college quad, post office and the mall,
Your baggy clothes and dirty hair are on display for all.

Your looks and external appearance are just the start,
It’s your political views that make me want to fart.
You question authority, challenge gender differences, and often do drugs,
But instead of voting or mobilizing, you prefer giving unwanted hugs.

Section II: Hippies have problems, not solutions

Some say hippies are harmless,
Why waist my time
Merle Haggard said it best,
They’re simply out of line

It went something like this-
“When you’re running down our country…”
This part you can’t miss
“You’re walking down the fighting side of me”

Peace, saving the environment, and running down this country,
They are the biggest of your most sacred, timeless creeds.
But you do not organize and instead insist on the free,
The free love that leads to the planting of tainted seeds.

You’re pacifists! You’re pacifists! We get it,
You all think you’ve seen the light.
Leave me alone; make sure your bong is lit,
Fact is, you’re too stoned to fight.

Section III: If you’re offended, you offend me

Some will be offended
By these subtle words of mine.
But anti-American sentiments
Send shivers up my spine.

How many times do you need to be reminded
That several countries don’t do so well.
In other places,
Your off-handed comments would land you in jail.

I guess the truth is that it doesn’t really matter,
What you hippies think of me.
With flowers in your hair and yellow in your belly
I could never take you seriously.

Section IV: In conclusion

You stink, you’re dirty, you’re ridiculous, you suck
You’re inconsequential, you’re ugly, you’re soft, you suck
You waist our time, you look funny, you act funny, you suck
You’re unappreciative, you’re silly, you’re a joke, you suck

Ok, ok,
I think I’ve calmed down.
Since I can’t legally throw rocks at you,
I can write to get a smile out of a frown.

NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL REPORT (taken from Saturday's edition): Muffin Matters administration battles recession

December 06, 2008
DURHAM, NC
--The ever-worsening national recession has finally reached the front office of Muffin Matters LLC. CEO Casey Sturgill finally addressed the media Saturday morning after a 2-month long website absence.
--"I apologize to the loyal readers of Muffin Matters. In these bleak economic times, the one thing we can't stand to lose is a steady dose of Americana. We have not been providing that, and I take full responsibly for this situation" said Sturgill during a brief but upbeat press conference in Durham, North Carolina late Friday night.
--Sturgill cited the growing employment crisis as the primary culprit of Muffin Matters' recent inefficiency. Every staff member at Mufffin Matters LLC is part-time, and Sturgill said his employees are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. As a result, the staff has been unable to meet previous quotas. Sturgill himself had been out of work since September 15th. He has recently been employed at a local landscaping company, but his period of unemployment nearly brought Muffin Matters to its knees. Sources say Sturgill battled mental instability after failing a Walmart assesment for employment. Walmart officials were contacted in late November. They told reporters that Sturgill had contacted them on several occassions angry and seemingly drunk. "He told us that Arkansas (Walmarts home state) sucks, and that it should be nuked off the face of the planet. We also believe that he is the one that called us 12 nights in a row asking if our refrigerators were running. And we're fairly certain, due to similar slurring speech patterns, that he is the one who called twice asking for a full refund for his entire life-spendings at our store because he said we were hippies. Had to be him."
--Sturgill denies Walmart's claims but does admit failing the presumably elementary and simple employee assesment test. "To those that say Walmart ruined my life...Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. Am I pissed? Sure I'm pissed. A drunken monkey with a reading disability could pass that exam, and I failed it. However, that is not the reason I shut myself off from the world wide net web for 2 months." Sturgill was removed from the podium shortly after his comments on Walmart due to what appeared to be an emotional breakdown.
--The exact size of Muffin Matters LLC is unknown and Sturgill once again refused to directly address that issue. When asked how many Americans Muffin Matters LLC employs, Sturgill responded, "Pick a number between 1 and 10."
--The size of Muffin Matters LLC has been an issue before. In August of 2007, the IRS threatened to levy steep fines on the company, but Sturgill and the IRS settled the dispute outside of court over a cup of coffee and a screening of "True Grit" starring John Wayne. An IRS spokesman later said, "We like the way he thinks. We're going to give him another shot. Worse case scenario, we demand another meeting just to see what spectacular classic American film he chooses to have coffee over."
--New posts are expected on the website within 48 hours, and Sturgill pledged to sell his majority ownership of the LLC if that deadline is not met.

-Hugh Damnright, The New York Times
-for more updates stay posted at http://www.nytimes.com/jk/lol!/omg/wtf

Hi, my name's Casey, and I failed a Walmart employment exam

--My good friends, I need you now more than ever. I have hit rock bottom. This is the lowest point in my life to date. Not even ruining my favorite Snoopy underpants with an inopportune bowel movement at age 3 holds a candle to what has just happened. Folks, I speak of failing the W.almart A.ssesment for M.anagerial E.mployment (The Whamey as I like to call it). “Why in the heck were applying for a job at Walmart? You can’t find anything else?” you might be asking. There’s rent to be paid and food to be bought people. And nobody likes a homeless, hungry Muffin now do they? I didn’t think so. I need a job! I was just exploring all of my options! Don’t judge me. You could laugh; I deserve it…But this event has put me in such a fragile state, that I really don’t think I can handle your jeers.

--13 years in the Stokes County school system failed to prepare me for the Whamey. Four and a half years at the nation’s third ranked public university, North Carolina, did not successfully prepare me for the Whamey. More than 8 years of full and part-time work experience, didn’t help me pass the Whamey. HOWEVER, I have only myself to blame. I took the 72-question, 30 minute, multiple-choice, psycho-analytical test. Nobody else is responsible.
Where did I go wrong? Let’s see, there was the question that asked how much money I had stolen from previous employers in the last 5 years. I saw right through that trap door. They wanted me to lie and say $0, but I know honesty is the best policy. I bubbled in $150,000- $250,000 like a champ.

--Next were the ridiculous hypothetical. For example: “James and Meg are having an argument in your department. Bob is accusing Meg of doing her job incorrectly, and Meg is becoming very upset. They are both raising their voices. What do you do?” My favorite option was A: “Do nothing and watch.” As much as I wanted to select that answer, I wanted even more to write in my own…

I would immediately attack James and Meg with a karate chop to each or their throats. I would tell them to stop their ridiculous argument. I would start with James. I would tell him, “James, contrary to the contemporary pop-music you and crazy kids listen to today, ‘bitches’ are in fact more than hoes and tricks. You can’t yell at her and give her a hard time each and every day.” Next, I would sit down with Meg. I’d say, “Meg, you’re working full-time at Walmart. That may be a reason to shout, yell, or cry, but insults and smack-talking from a fella that just earned his GED at age 46, are not.”

--Lastly were the phrases and philosophies that I had to agree with or disagree with. I had a choice between, “Strongly disagree, Disagree, Neither agree nor disagree, Agree, and Strongly Agree.” I thought these were the gimmies. These were the ones easy enough for a drunken monkey to answer correctly…or were they. I got phrases such as: “I am a mentally stable person,” “I enjoy telling people off,” “I am angry most of the time,” “I think it’s ok to sleep at work if I’m really tired,” etc.

--Somewhere, I went wrong. Somewhere along the way, I became the latest victim of the WHAMEY. Don’t be next. Study hard people. If you’re going to be a shift supervisor or manager at Walmart, you had better start hitting the books. Something tells me Sam Walton wouldn’t be pleased with the Whamey. Things use to be simpler. I bet when he ran the show, if you wanted to be a shift manager, he would simply ask you prove that you could tie your shoes and feed yourself.

--You know what though? I can’t get the last laugh this time. I failed an assessment exam at Wal-Mart. They win. Big time.

Mullet Matters: A promise fulfilled

-Well, I stuck to my word and got a mullet. I’d first like to thank Natasha from Walmart for the haircut. I’ve got to say I was concerned at first. Natasha didn’t know what a mullet was. I thought that the mullet was the default hairdo in Arkansas, but apparently not. We worked through it together, though. She was also very sweet. She kept telling me that, “it actually looks pretty good,” even though we both knew it was a blatant lie.

-And to Denise who was waiting to get her hair colored at the Walmart hair care center: thank you for your kind words as well. Denise told me that I, “was too young to appreciate the 80’s, but my haircut would make the decade proud.” I responded with, “mam, I appreciate the compliment, but let’s be honest, I look like an idiot.” She fired back, “You don’t look like an idiot! It looks good! And look at those cute curls on the end. You don’t look like an idiot, sweetie.” Well, Denise most likely wasn’t telling a blatant lie, but because she actually thinks my mullet looks good…I feel sorry for her.
-Upon leaving Walmart, I felt different. I saw the look in the folks’ eyes that passed me. The looks varied from, “This fella ain’t right. Bless his little heart” to “This guy looks pissed. He’s only 5’7”, but I don’t think I should mess with him” to “Look at this idiot.”
-After walking through the Walmart parking lot, I hopped into my good ol' buddy, Ian Bowman's truck. After he stopped laughing, he got serious. He said, “That actually looks natural for you.” I haven’t yet decided if I am offended or honored by that comment. Either way, it was unexpected.

-The mullet has its positives. It is a symbol of freedom and rebellion in the South. It says, “I have a Constitutional right to wear my hair however I choose, and if I choose to ‘chop the top and let the back rock’ then I can damn well do it.” It also says, “I love NASCAR, country music, bug zappers, and duct tape.” That’s me alright.

-The mullet certainly has its negatives as well. Unfortunately it also sometimes says, “I didn’t have enough money for a full haircut and this is what happened.” Unfortunately, it sometimes says, “I dislike minorities, queers, yankees, smart people, people with good hygiene, and wealthy people.” I’m not down with all that stuff, so for those reasons I’m looking forward to ditching the mullet.

-Beyond the positives and negatives is the awesomeness of the mullet. The mullet is a cultural phenomenon, and if anything it expresses that one really doesn’t give a dang. I’m down with that. It’s hard to explain exactly what makes the mullet awesome, but every time we see one, we point and either laugh or exclaim, “That. Is. Awesome.” Sometimes we do both. So with that, I’m going to go outside into the world for my normal afternoon run. Whatever happens, happens. The mullet is undoubtedly an established piece of Americana, and for that reason I am proud to wear it.

Olympic Breakdown (8-10-08)

-By the time you read this, the medal counts will already be outdated and inaccurate, but we’ve got to have some Olympic coverage on Muffin Matters, right? Actually, we probably don’t need any Olympic coverage at all. We’re in America. Here in America, we only care about 2 things: College sports and the “World Championships” handed out by professional leagues that are completely housed within the borders of the USA and Canada…What a joke. Where are we at in society? Why don’t we care about the Olympics? I’m not going to sit here and analyze that question, because I don’t have enough time. I’m just going to give you my Olympic breakdown.

-We’ll start with the overall medal count. China has 8 and the US has 8, but China has 6 golds while we only have 2. South Korea also has more golds than the US with 3. Let’s get something straight: gold is all that matters. If you ain’t first, you’re last. 2nd place is the 1st loser. And third place…third place? Who cares? Four of America’s 8 medals are bronze. WEAK! They should give them back or sell them on Ebay. Perhaps you’re saying, “Well I’d like to see you win a medal in the Olympics, Casey.” Shut up. It’s not like you’ve never criticized talented athletes before. And besides, if I were a highly tuned Olympic athlete, I wouldn’t have time to provide you with these blogs each week. Going by the OVERWHELMING positive response I’ve received from Americana Monday readers this year, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this column.

-Back to the medal count. So South Korea has 5 medals in all, putting them in third place. Italy and Russia have 4 medals a piece, and Japan, France, and North Korea each have 3 medals. The former Soviet Union would be ashamed with Russia’s Olympic performance so far. Back in the day, the Soviets basically started a child’s Olympic training as soon as they exited their mother’s womb.

-To the French now; I don’t expect much from them in these Olympics. Maybe they should stop smoking so many of those girly cigarettes (you know; the ones that look like Virginia Slims). When it comes to athletics, would anybody even care about France if not for the Tour de France? I don’t think so. And when they play soccer internationally…what a bunch of wimps. They do nothing but flop. This is pretty much the wrap on any international “futbol.” For those of you waiting for soccer to catch on in America...bless your little hearts; you’re so cute and naive.

-I see Germany is way down on the list with one crappy bronze medal. Maybe Barak Obama will make one more international stop and come by the German locker room to give them another inspirational pep talk.

-Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s country of origin, has one silver medal. I think the Austrians are currently lobbying the Olympic committee to make “Flexing” and Olympic sport, but until that day comes, they’ll have to settle for success in the winter games only.

-Lastly, it looks like a butt load of countries (19 in fact) like Turkey, Uzbekistan, Algeria, and Zimbabwe have 1 medal a piece. Are the Olympics sort of like the SAT? Do you get one medal just for signing in?

-What can we expect and hope for, for America? Well, all of us should start drafting our “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps right now. He is going to single handedly keep us in the medal chase with his swimming expertise. I’m not taking anything for granted with the US basketball team. It may appear as if they all have their heads screwed on properly right now, but we’ll see what happens. Those arrogant, selfish, overpaid pricks better suck it up and play team ball for a change, or their going to get embarrassed again. International basketball isn’t what it once was. The NBA style of play doesn’t even come close to getting it done against the well-oiled machines the US is going to be up against. If the “Redeem Team” fails though, the blame won’t fall squarely on the shoulders of the players. We all know that it will mainly fall on the shoulders of USA head coach, Mike Krewqioewrnflzjfiozdklfweixwhatever-shef-ski.

-That’s it for the Olympic break down. Have a nice day.

The Wild West

“People are too dagum soft these days. If you have a problem with somebody, or if somebody ticks you off, you ought to be able to challenge them to a gunfight. Problem solved. Unless that is, you’re too slow. And if you’re too slow, you shouldn’t go around starting gunfights.”
-Greg Johnston, North Little Rock, AR

-This week we’re going to talk about the philosophy of the Old West. My fascination with the Old West stems from my interest in western movies, especially those that star John Wayne. The philosophy of the Old West is simple, but not very feasible. It's fun to think about though.

-The philosophy of the Old West is well summed up in the opening quote from my boss over here in Arkansas. It’s rough, it’s tough, and if you’ve got a problem with somebody, you take care of it. There’s more to it than just gunfights though. Let’s see; there’s whiskey drinking, piano playing, cattle driving, exploring, family raising, farming, wanted posters, poker games, living the manifest destiny, and countless other things I don’t have time to list.

-Like anything, the philosophy of the Old West has its positives and it has its negatives. Sure, the modern life we enjoy today may seem 1,000 times better than the way people lived in the 19th century, but let’s just throw everything on the table and re-evaluate for the heck of it.

THE GOOD: Every young boy at some point has thrown on a cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowboy fighting off bandits and rounding up herds on the cattle drive. The Old West was adventurous, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. At that time in American history, the western part of the nation was still being settled, and one could set out in any direction they chose trying to find good land and a great life.

T-he cowboys of the Old West also knew how to party. We have them to thank for something men still do today: gather, drink, and play poker. However, their carrying of guns made each game a bit more volatile than ours today. I know what some of you may be thinking. “Not everybody carried guns in the Old West.” That’s true, but not carrying a gun in Wild West would be about as stupid as not wearing a seatbelt in a NASCAR race.

-There was little or no nonsense in the Old West. First and foremost, there were no hippies. That’s a big plus in my book. Also, if you tried to explain the concept of being “politically correct” to someone in the Old West, they would laugh at you and spit tobacco in your eye. Then, they would hop on their horse and say “how’s that for ‘politically correct’” as they rode away laughing and hollering with their posse while they fired rifles aimlessly into the air.

-Let’s not forget about the railroad. Today we’ve got the interstate system; back then they were working on the Trans-Continental Railroad, and it was something else. It was completed in 1869, and it could get you just about anywhere you wanted to go. The railroad helped to develop areas economically. It helped outlaws escape the law, and it provided a good target for them as well. The railroad also helped the good guys chase down and catch the outlaws.

-And the women…oh boy! Have you seen many westerns? Those girls knew how to dress. They proved that more is less. However, you would have wanted to stay away from the “friendly” women that lived on the second floor of the saloon. They were naughty. Very, very naughty.

THE BAD: In the Wild West you always had to be on the look out for bandits! We have enough bank robberies here in the 21st century. Lack of electronic security and technology made it a lot easier to get away with stealing dough back then. In the Old West you were better off burying your gold and money in a box way out past the big rock, beyond the Devil’s Canyon, right under the big oak tree, along the river.

-Even though the Wild West provided a fantastic opportunity for exploration and adventure, it also provided a fantastic opportunity to get lost and never be heard of again. That’s right; lots of folks took off and were never heard of again. ANYTHING could have happened to them: a bear attack; a failed attempt at “fording” the river; lack of food; dysentery; losing a gunfight; winning a gunfight, but then being shot from behind by the loser’s low-down sidekick; a fall into a canyon; a snake bite; getting hit by Doc Brown’s Delorean while he’s on one of his crazy time travel trips to the Wild West; dehydration, or an American badger attack.

THE UGLY: We touched on dysentery already, but the wide array of other diseases and the lack of advanced medicine is a crucial short coming of the Wild West. People died all the time! A lot of times when someone died, it was blamed on “The Fever” or the “Yellow Fever” but they actually died of various illnesses that couldn’t be properly diagnosed at the time.

-Conflict with Native Americans is another sad and upsetting element of the Wild West. “Manifest Destiny” is a term you hear often in regards to continued settlement towards the West…but there were some folks that were already there. This resulted in some conflict. It was indeed ugly. Sometimes relations were peaceful, but more often than not, there was some fighting. Trust was hard to gain by both parties. The whole situation is very difficult to analyze without bias or conflicting emotions, so we’re just going to leave it alone.

-Lastly, there were drunks. “We have drunks today!” you might say. At least today, a much smaller percentage of drunks walk around strapped with revolvers.

-So there you have a very, very abbreviated synopsis of philosophy and ways of the Old West. I think I would have loved it…as long as I could avoid all the deadly stuff. No risk, no reward, right? There’s lots of stuff that can kill you today too. I’m going to grab some Wild Turkey and a gun, and then I’m going to head over to Doc Brown’s house to party. We’ll see what happens.

The Top 5 American Animals

-It’s time for an Americana Monday’s curveball. Today we’re counting down the top 5 American animals. Count downs always spark intense debate because something always gets left out, and people always question the order. So let’s do it. Let’s party with the top 5 animals in America!

5

-Kicking off our top-5 is the sometimes pesky but always awesome Great American Rodent: The Squirrel. North Carolina natives are especially familiar with the squirrel, and anyone who has stepped foot on the campus of UNC has gotten their share of squirrel interaction. There are several different squirrel species in America, but those that live in the southeast are most familiar with the Eastern Gray Squirrel. Squirrels are very clever and can be trained and hand fed. Perhaps America’s most famous squirrel is "Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel." You can tell by Twiggy’s actions that he has no idea what’s going on, but it makes for great video. He should really consider wearing a life jacket. Although squirrels can be trained like Twiggy, you must be careful because they reportedly do a very poor job of distinguishing between food and finger tips. Many homeowners hate squirrels because they will chew holes in anything and everything. Case in point: My grandfather once had a problem with squirrels getting into his chimney and chewing holes in various places around his house. What did he do about it? He sat on his porch with a shotgun…and waited. He got a few, but most survived the event. Please don’t call PETA.

4

-Coming in at number 4 is the American Badger. Don’t be fooled by badger’s innocent looks…they can mess you up. They are lean, mean, killing machines. The American Badger is a North American cousin of one of the most ferocious mammals on the planet: the Honey Badger. I would tell you more about Honey Badgers, but I don’t want to be responsible for giving you nightmares…

-The American Badger is ferocious enough. It is an omnivore that diets mostly on ground squirrels, prairie dogs and moles. You don’t want a badger partying in your garden either; they eat peas, green beans, corn, and mushrooms but they do not live in the South, so you should be alright.

-The American Badger makes the list mostly because of its fighting spirit. Like the Americans in the Revolutionary War, the badger often seems overmatched but refuses to lose. Badgers will fight much larger animals including coyotes, wolves and bears. They will protect their young and their dignity at all costs. When fighting larger mammals that are male, badgers will attack a particularly sensitive area…Man Land. Catch my drift? Badgers attack the family jewels. They don’t fight fair; they fight to win.

3

-At number 3 is another animal that is best admired from afar: the Grizzly Bear. Grizzly bears are mostly found in Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Washington. They are omnivores and contrary to popular belief, they most often scavenge instead of killing their meals. I have seen two grizzly bears in person while in Glacier National Park in Montana. One was about a quarter of a mile away, and the other was less than 250 yards away! That’s as close as you’d ever want to get. They don’t look for trouble, but if they find it, they’ll take care of business. They are perfectly content eating berries, wildflowers, and fish, but they will eat humans if food is hard to come by or if a human threatens one of their cubs.

-One of the most amazing documentaries you will ever see is Grizzly Man. It’s about an idiot named Timothy Treadwell who spent over a decade in the wild in Alaska living with Grizzlies. As you can imagine, this didn’t end well for Treadwell, but he captured some AMAZING video before be became a grizzly’s dinner.

-When hiking in areas populated with grizzly bears, you should actually make lots of noise to avoid scaring a grizzly and putting them into protection mode. More often than not, they will not look for confrontations and they are actually scared of humans. If you ever have a close encounter with a grizzly bear, do not look them directly in the eyes (this only ticks them off). Do not run (they can run nearly 30 milers per hour, and they will catch you). Do not climb a tree unless it’s too small for the grizzly to climb (they can climb too). “They” say the best thing to do is to lie prone with your face to the ground and your legs spread…good luck with that. Hopefully the bear will be disgusted by the smell of the poop and pee that is sure to escape your insides in the event of an attack.

2

-You can’t have a Top 5 American Animals countdown without including the Bald Eagle (well you could, but you’d be a communist). The bald eagle became the national emblem of the United States in 1782. Female bald eagles are large and in charge growing bigger than the males. Females can weigh up to 15 pounds, and they have a wing span of up to 8 feet. A bald eagle can live up to 60 years. It’s such a shame that so few of them make it to retirement.

- Bald eagles once faced extinction forcing Congress to pass the Bald Eagle Protection Act which basically makes it illegal to look at an eagle the wrong way. Thanks to the act and several breeding programs, the eagle is back on the comeback trail. The Bald Eagle will feed on just about anything but it prefers fish. Usually it lives on a steady diet of trout, salmon, muskrats, and hippies.

1

-At number one is an animal that has all the qualities of the other 4 and more! At number one is the man, the myth, the legend, Tyler Hansbrough. What’s more American than being an All-AMERICAN in his first 3 seasons? What’s more American than being the 2007-2008 AMERICAN College Basketball Player of the Year according to multiple sources? Some may say that Tyler is a human, and he can’t qualify as an animal...To that I say, have you seen him play? Let’s consider some of the adjectives that describe Hansbrough’s performance on the court: clever, quick, high-flying, rabid, squirrelly, psychotic, alpha male-dominate, and wild. Sounds like an animal to me. You can question any other part of this countdown, but you can’t question #1; Hansbrough is the most awesome American animal. Period. You’re welcome.

Honorable Mention:
-The honorable mention list could go on and on, but here are a few that definitely make the cut:
-The sasquatch (AKA yeti, Bigfoot, and abominable snowman): The sasquatch was left out of the top 5 simply because we could neither confirm nor deny its existence. As you know, we here at Carolina Water Cooler take pride in our credibility and accuracy, so the yeti was forced to the honorable mention list.
-Cows and Horses: Lots of us love horses and bovines but there lack of wildness prevents them from making the top 5. They’re just a little to domesticated to party with the likes of say, the badger.
-Dogs and Cats: Same deal here. We all love doggies and/or kitties, but this really goes without saying doesn’t it? Let some other animals have some of the spotlight for a change!
-Cougars, wildcats, and the lynx: Of all the honorable mentions, these three wild felines were the closest to making the cut. You may not always see a cougar, but let me tell you something, it always sees you…and when it sees you, it’s too late. I am actually concerned that word of this column will get out into the American Animal Kingdom sparking a cougar and wildcat uprising. This would be bad; very very bad. Unlike other animals, cougars and wildcats don’t attack; they assassinate.

Others receiving votes:
-The armadillo, the beaver, the dolphin, the ram, the mountain goat, the moose, the polar bear (Alaska), the hamster, the guinea pig, the gator, the black bear, the cardinal, the wolf, the black-footed ferret, the American bison, the eastern box turtle, the pelican, the mallard duck, the baby pig

Budweiser: Un-American

-Last week on Muffin Matters, I praised one big American business: Walmart. This week I’m going to trash another American business: Anheuser Busch. I would first like to thank Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy for helping me find the words to cope with this pathetic event. Coach Gundy’s 2007 press conference freak out about a quarterback who lost his starting spot really offers good material for any situation that may anger you. If you need a refresher course, visit YouTube. I have italicized everything in this column that I got and/or modified from Gundy’s fantastic rant against the media.

-I want to talk to you today about this merger right here. The sell of Budweiser to the Belgian brewing company, InBev makes me embarrassed to be a part of American consumer culture…tremendously. There’s nothing good about this merger, and I will not drink Anheuser Busch products again…unless the born-on date is before the date of the merger announcement.

-The brilliant ownership group at AB decided to ruin their brand because they couldn’t turn down $52 billion. It’s yet another case of greedy money hounds looking out for number one. They have taken a great American success story and turned it into a tale of one of the biggest American sellouts in history. Are you kidding me?

-Let met tell you what I don’t like about this merger. Budweiser was first brewed by an Italian immigrant in 1876 about a decade after the conclusion of the Civil War. What a perfect American success story of an immigrant looking for a new start in a land of promise. It ain’t perfect anymore. No matter what they say, the ownership group at AB did this simply for the money. Where are we at in society today? They were not concerned with the American legacy that Anheuser Busch had created. All the money involved in this deal will go straight to the top. It won’t help to better the beer, it won’t benefit employees, and it won’t help the economy. Each shareholder will receive $70 a share. Woopty freakin’ do. I hope it was worth it.

-What are my qualifications for making a statement about the American economy you may wonder. Well I’m not qualified at all to make statements about the economic impact of a large brewing merger, but my brother is an economics professor, and that counts for something…right? Bottom line is Budweiser is American and InBev ain’t. There like oil and water; they don’t mix.

-"This combination will create a stronger, more competitive global company with an unrivaled worldwide brand portfolio and distribution network, with great potential for growth all over the world," Carlos Brito, CEO of InBev said in a statement. What the heck does that even mean? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN YOU MISCHIEVIOUS BELGIAN? This merger is garbage. And the man in charge at AB that let it happen is garbage. If you want to go after a brewery, one of OUR BREWERIES, go after one that doesn’t taste good (like Sam Adams which tastes like rotten pizza that has been ran through a blender and then strained). If you have a favorite beer some day, you’ll understand how I feel. Maybe you don’t have a favorite beer; I do. Maybe someday you will, and you’ll understand. InBev says they want to establish a firm footprint in locations where they are expanding; that ain’t true. They just want to take a piece of our dignity away. They say the merger will help both sides; that’s not true. They want to make an AMERICAN brand theirs.

-I just don’t understand why the ownership group at AB thought it was necessary to fix something that wasn’t broke. They didn’t need this. They already had over 50% of the share in the American beer industry, and they were doing just fine internationally as well. Those greedy, cotton-headed, ninny muggins’. What were they thinking?

-And InBev. They’ve got some nerve. If InBev wants to come after somebody, they can come after me. I’m a man. I’m 23. I’m not a kid. I can drink legally. I would have sent Mr. InBev back to Belgium with a black eye. The geniuses in charge at AB acted childish, seeing only dollar signs when they should have been considering the cultural impact of this move. They’re supposed to be mature adults, but they’re really not. Who’s the kid here? WHO’S THE KID HERE? Are you kidding me?

-That’s all I got to say. Makes me want to puke.
(And the gallery applauds)

Wal-Mart? Wal-Yeah!!!

-I’m going to start by first apologizing to the huge and ever-growing Muffin Nation. It’s called Americana Monday’s on Carolina Water Cooler for a reason, and I let all of you down. I submit my late entry to you with my tail between my legs. A loyal reader who goes by the nickname “Snuggles” said it best. “What the heck? It’s Americana Monday’s and the Muffin is a no show.” Just like Ruben Studdard: I’ve apologized a million times before, but here it comes again for all the wrong I’ve done. Here’s one-million-one. I’m sorry.

-Now, on to business. This week’s topic is Wal-Mart: AMERICAN.

-Wal-Mart was founded by the man, the myth, the legend Sam Walton back in 1962. It was incorporated in 1972 when it debuted on the New York Stock exchange. Sam Walton is without a doubt the pride and joy of Kingfisher, Oklahoma where he was born in 1918, 10 years after the Cubs' last World Series title. As if placing one city on the map wasn’t enough, Walton put Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas where the folks absolutely love good ol’ Sammy. I know, I’ve been through there…the city should just change its name to Wal-Mart…they have a Wal-Mart Café, a Wal-Mart gas station, a Wal-Mart guest center, a Wal-Mart auto center, etc., etc…it’s awesome.

-Believe it or not, there are some agencies who say Wal-Mart is the biggest corporation in the world having $404 billion, surpassing even ExxonMobil. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s interesting to know that Wal-Mart is even close. It’s too bad Sammy passed away in 1992 before seeing Wal-Mart become the Gigantor of American business. Just this year, they decided to take out the hyphen, and it is now Walmart. So when a new store opens up, look for the difference and tell those to your immediate right or left. They’re sure to be amazed. You can thank me later for being the life of the party.

-Walmart is so much more than a place for “Always low prices.” It’s become a social institution. My parents and grandparents just drove 14 hours to visit me in Little Rock, and do you know where we went for no particular reason? Walmart.

-We just walked around, and chatted. Mom and Grandmother took off towards the clothes while me, the T-Bone (my dad), and Granddaddy Jim walked through the Lawn Care Center and then zigzagged all the way to Electronics. Twice I caught myself asking my dad, “Why exactly are we here?” His response to the question I already knew the answer to was, “I’m not really sure.” But that was exactly the point…We were just going there to walk around and take it easy. That’s odd isn’t it? I bet you’ve done it before with friends or family too. What is it that binds us to that place like none other?

-I remember in high school when me and the guys got together on Friday and Saturday night, Walmart would actually be part of our plans. Our plans went something like this: “Aight, let’s go holler at Sonic for some burgers, then we’ll drive over to the golf course to see if there’s anything cool to mess with and/or steal, then we’ll go to Wal-Mart to party, and then we’ll go catch the 10:30 movie.”

-Walmart has a kind of State Fair atmosphere to it doesn’t it? You’re sure to see some nice ones in there. You’re sure to see some fellas and gals that just ain’t right. That’s part of the fun. One of my most memorable American-consumer moments came in Wal-Mart. I was trying to get to the novelty t-shirts but I was trapped in an aisle with an obese, camo-wearing, confederate flag waiving good ol’ boy behind me and a sweet but slow old woman pushing a buggy in an unpredictable and unsettling manner. I decided to wait it out and follow her. Big mistake. She let out a fart that would make Larry the Cable Guy blush. I couldn’t help but laugh, and when she turned around all I could say…check that...the only sound I could make was “hmmmm.” I tried to manage a polite smile as I turned around to battle tubby-tubby behind me.

-Walmart has its negatives. It’s put thousands of establishments out of business and it’s put several, hard working folks out of a job. It may have single-handedly destroyed the “little man” in the American economy. A majority of the items within aren’t made in the US, but how many places can you go these days where most items are American-made anymore? It’s sad, but that’s what this nation has become. We have to deal with it. Therefore if we’re going to sell out to the rest of the world and watch our economy slowly crumble as the price of dollar drops like an Adam Warren curveball, I want to be in Walmart while it happens. It’s more peaceful that way. When you can buy Wrangler Jeans for 15 dollars, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt for 12, a bug zapper for 18 and a John Wayne double feature for $7.50, it helps to put your (or at least my) mind at ease.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

-Happy slightly-belated 4th of July! Independence Day is my favorite holiday, and I hate that it’s already over, but I hope you had a “blast.” Nothing beats colorful pyrotechnics lighting up a summer sky in honor of one of our Nation’s proudest days in history.

-Sometimes, coming up with a topic for Muffin Matters can be difficult…and sometimes you’re traveling to St. Louis for a weekend trip and you see a beacon of freedom just off the highway. My good people, I’m talking about the firework, gift, and collectible superstore, Boomland, in Benton, Missouri. Encountering Boomland on any given day would be cool, but discovering it during the 4th of July weekend…wow!

-Boomland is like most other travel plazas you might find, but it specializes in FIREWORKS! I’m not sure how I feel about a gas station being coupled with a fireworks superstore, but I think I like it. No risk, no reward, right? Right. Boomland’s website (boomland.com) boasts that the establishment has the country’s largest selection of fireworks. I don’t know that this is true. I was impressed with their selection, but it didn’t seem anymore complete than those you might find at a typical firework’s store in South Carolina, for example. The fact is, nobody is actually going to check Boomland on the accuracy of the claim. Boomland has so much to offer that it just doesn’t matter.

-I’m going to once again cite their website (boomland.com). Let’s see here; they’ve got “affordable home décor,” hand dipped ice cream, dishes, jams, jellies, preserves, hams, Beanie Babies, discount cigarettes and a built in McDonalds! Oh boyyyyyyy!

-Now, I saw it in person, so I’d like to clarify a couple of things. Let’s start with “affordable home décor.” If your idea of home décor is Dale Earnhardt Jr. banners, plastic sculptures made to look like porcelain sculptures, and dream catchers, then you’ll find what you want at Boomland. I mean, if you have a 4-foot statue of a black bear, a limited edition sketch of a NASCAR driver, and a dream catcher in your living room, what the heck else do you need? Along with “affordable home décor,” Boomland also offers a wide selection of novelty t-shirts. My favorite t-shirt that they offer is a yellow John Deere shirt that reads, “Been there, cut that.” Naturally, they’ve got tons of sweet tie-dyed “Missouri” t-shirts, and they’ve got brightly colored shirts with Boomland plastered on the fronts and backs. I was not going to waste my money on something I wasn’t going to wear. I spent my money wisely on a coon-skin hat. The hat should match my mullet well in August…

-Next, let’s discuss their so-called “discount cigarettes.” I don’t smoke, and neither should you. But if you do, don’t worry, you’re not missing out on much. Most of you live in North Carolina, so what everyone else considers “discount cigarettes,” we consider normal price. I recently told a co-worker about the price of smokeless tobacco in North Carolina, and he couldn’t believe it. North Carolina is the place to go if you want cheap cancer. Let it be known, that I don’t use smokeless tobacco either. I did, but I quit 2 years, 1 month, and 1 day ago on June 5, 2006. Am I bragging? Yes. Quitting tobacco ain’t easy, but I did it, and so you can you!

-Lastly, having a built in McDonald’s really makes Boomland a one-stop, trip-within-a-trip experience. You can fill up, grab a Big Mac, and stock up on low-power explosives…YES!
Despite the fact that 80% or more of the “affordable home décor” in Boomland is MADE IN CHINA, the establishment still gets 9 stars out of 10 in my “America” book because of the unique combination of goods. The next time you’re planning a weekend or week-long trip, consider driving to St. Louis Missouri and visiting Boomland on the way. I could have easily written this week’s column on the city of St. Louis and its many attractions, but for goodness sake, I saw something named Boomland! It sounds like an amusement park for pyromaniacs.

-Again, I hope your 4 th of July weekend was spectacular and safe. I'll tell you what you should do; you should e-mail any stories from your 4th of July get-togethers, and tell me just how American your weekend was! I'll post them all (if they're clean).

He Just Ain't Right

-Do you know or work with someone who “just ain’t right?” I want to be clear right from the get go; I am absoultely not talking about people with disabilities or mental illnesses. I don't stoop to that level here on Muffin Matters. I’m simply talking about people that “just ain’t right.” You know what I mean--people who aren’t all there, people with elevators that don’t go all the way to the top, people that are a couple of bricks short of a load, people who are a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal, etc. These are the people that make you laugh, shake your head and say, “only in America!”

-Down here on the farm in Arkansas, there are 2 young men on the cleaning crew that are just out of high school. Their nicknames are “Peanut” and “The Mopper.” Peanut is responsible for sweeping up peanuts, and The Mopper is responsible for, well, mopping. He’ll mop anything from spilled Coke to the most disturbing thing you can imagine in a public restroom. Both of these guys are hard workers, and they will do anything to help out a friend, but they are also prime examples of people who just ain’t right.

-Peanut and The Mopper are terrific story tellers. Each one will do anything to one-up the other. This means some of their story details are fabricated and others are exaggerated. This also means that the rest of us get to hear some fantastically absurd tales.

-Let’s start with Peanut. Peanut is 18 years old, he has 3 or 4 girlfriends; he has a football scholarship to Ohio State and will soon be playing quarterback there; and on the baseball diamond, he has thrown 2 no-hitters and hit over .400 in every season he’s ever played. Now I hate to be a skeptic, but Peanut doesn’t exactly have the body type of what we would call an “athlete.” He slipped up one night and admitted he will actually be attending a local college to earn his degree in Facility Management…but his baseball stats are legit.

-Personally, I am most excited about Peanut’s upcoming wedding. First of all, I just feel bad for his other girlfriends, because legally, there can only be one Mrs. Peanut. Anyway, Peanut is going to get married right here at the baseball park before a game sometime in August or September. He insists that the six interns here will be the groomsmen, and he also wants us to clear our schedules for that night, because we’re all going to “rock and roll and celebrate the wedding.” I asked him when we were all going to get fitted for tuxedo-shirts, but he quickly answered that it wasn’t going to be like that… “It’s going to be an easy-going country wedding. There ain’t going to be any overly-nice outfits, and George Strait is going to sing instead of some piano man playing ‘Here Comes the Bride’ when she walks down the aisle.” Let me tell you something folks…if this wedding happens, I’m going to take more pictures than the paparazzi at a Britney Spears cocaine party. I can NOT wait. Peanut better not be stringing me along with another one of his wild stories. That boy just ain’t right.

-Now to The Mopper. His age is uncertain. He usually responds with “I’m old enough.” This is quite an unsettling response when you think about it. Is he old enough to drink? Is he old enough to kick butt? Is he old enough to enter adult movie stores? What exactly is he ‘old enough’ to do?! The Mopper is truly a good friend, and he will absolutely go to the ends of the Earth to help a friend in need. However, he is a crafty business man, and you better watch yourself when it comes to making deals with him. He caught me admiring his Dale Earnhardt watch one day last month, and he said. “You like this number 3 watch don’t you?” I responded, “Absolutely. How much would it cost me to take it off of your hands?” That day, he told me he paid 20 dollars for it. I told him I’d think about it. Two weeks later I asked him again…he said he paid 320 dollars for it that time. I told him I couldn’t make the deal. Three days later I asked him again…he said he paid 60 dollars for it. Although I could probably get the same watch with a Coca-Cola proofs of purchase mail-in offer, I told him I’d think about it.

-The Mopper knows some important people, and he has traveled to exotic locations around the country. He has dated the daughters of governors in Florida, Arkansas, and Texas. When a game-day employee accused The Mopper of being gay, he promptly responded, “If I was gay, then why do I have 2 ex-wives and 4 children?” The employee promptly responded with “What are all of their names?” The Mopper was ready. He said, “I don’t remember.”

-The Mopper has been surfing in Malibu, and he has partied with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. He has a second job as a repo man and he always packs a pistol in case things get nasty. He’s been around, and he’s one tough customer. He must also be an excellent driver, because we once got out of the ballpark at 1 AM, and he went to Midland, Texas right after to repossess a truck from a convicted felon. He made it back to work the next day at 8 AM. That’s impressive seeing as how Midland is a 10-hour drive one way. When we pointed this out, he did what he always does; he lowered his head and let out a quiet giggle before gathering himself and saying, “Oh well.” That fella just ain’t right.

-Do you know folks who “just ain’t right?” I bet you do. Aren’t they great? Seriously, they keep up our spirits and they keep us laughing. I wish more people were just not right.

Dwight D. Eisenhower: Friend or Foe?

-We are fast approaching the official beginning of summer and the beginning of the vacation season. The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band said it best in their 1987 country hit "Fishin' in the Dark." As the song goes, there's a "lazy yellow moon coming up tonight, shining through the trees. The crickets are singing, and the lightning bugs are floating on the breeze. Baby get ready."

-I've talked to several friends who are planning their summer get-a-ways across the highways of America. That's why today's topic is the Dwight D. Eisenhower National System of Interstate and Defense Highways! For those of you who have big plans, I am jealous, and I hope you have terrific summer vacations! Due to my poor decision to work in professional baseball, I am unable to take a summer vacation, but I'm not bitter at all. I mean, you may have to siphon fuel from your neighbor, or rob a bank, or make change in the church offering plate to combat gas prices, but I hope you have a great time!!!

-Anyway, back to the Dwight D. Eisenhower NSIDH. At first it may seem as American as could be, but I'm going to explain why it's not all it's cracked up to be.

-According to Mr. Wik E. Pedia PhD, the Dwight D. Eisenhower highway system is actually a separate system within the National Highway System. We're dealing with a lot of systems here. The entire system has a total length of 46,387 miles. Dannnnng! It is both the longest highway system in the world and the biggest public works project in the history of the world. This is why we love the interstate system--it's big, it's efficient, and it helped put folks to work when it was constructed. It also keeps folks working now with year-round maintenance! Man I love construction! Nothing beats work zone speed limits, pot holes, and orange signs!

-If you wanted to, you could hop on I-40 in Wilmington or the Triangle and drive all the way to Barstow, California. If you do drive to California, for goodness sake, watch out for hippies.

-Many of us take "The System" for granted. It wasn't always as easy to get from point A to point B. "The System" helps us get to work Monday through Friday, and it helps us visit family and friends Friday night through Sunday afternoon.

-Now I'm going to tell you why you should take it for granted. One of UNC's finest graduates and one of the best journalists in history, the late great Charles Kuralt said it best with one of his most witty and sadly accurate quotes."Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything."

-That is my biggest complaint with Dwight D's baby. "The System" seriously hampers the individualism and regional culture of this great nation. When someone drives through North Carolina, they need to see countless Carolina flags flying on the porches of it's great citizens; they need to see the rolling hills and quiet little barns that dot the countryside; they need to see Christmas lights strung along the porches of houses in August; they need to see mullet heads jumping dirt piles on a quiet Saturday afternoon; they need to see un-supervised children playing full-fledged basketball games on roll-out basketball goals in the middle of the street; they need to see yard sales with everything you need from circa 1970 leisure suits to Dale Earnhardt Zippo lighters; and they need to see deer…lots and lots of deer that for some reason just don't see anything threatening about something loud and bright coming in their direction at 60 miles per hour.

-If you stay on the major highways, you just don't see the real America. You see Anytown, USA. Anytown, USA consists of green sign after green sign after blue sign after mile marker with an Applebee's over there and a Wal-Mart over here.

-Last summer I got the opportunity of a lifetime to go on a cross-country road trip from Billings, Montana across the northern US border, past the great lakes, and back down to Raleigh, North Carolina. I was with my brother, Brad and his two friends Jake and Alex. We needed to get from Billings to Chicago, IL in 4 days. We had to decide if we would take the interstates or the country roads. We decided on country roads, and I couldn't have been happier with the results. We were absolutely amazed by the beautiful mountains in Big Sky Country, and the sunflower fields in North Dakota, and the lavish lakeside communities along Lake Michigan. "The System" would not have allowed us to see all these things.

-"The System" is a fine example of an Americana Monday paradox. It is undeniably American, but it is also undeniably un-American. Some days I hate "The System." Some days I dig through my small coin collection just to look at my silver dollars with the head of Dwight David on them just so I can say "Thanks D.D. You da' man." Let's meet back here next week, and go Diamond Heels!

Midget Wrestling: Small men; big time fun

- I hope your Memorial Day weekend was fantastic! It's truly hard to top the excitement that surrounds the un-official beginning of summer, but we'll try to do it this week with..drum roll please…midget wrestling. I'd like to start by saying that I have absolutely no intention of offending small people, midgets, or their families with this column. I'm simply relaying a truly American and awesome sport that I knew little about before I got here…There are approximately 2 million puns I could make in this week's column, but I'm going to be the bigger man and keep it clean.

- I first heard about "professional" midget wrestling when I moved to Arkansas. Professional is a term that we should use loosely here, because these fellas ain't exactly breaking the bank. The name of the organization is the MWO which stands for Midget World Order. These wrestlers get paid to appear and beat the heck out of each other at sporting venues, bars, and anywhere else party people go in the South.

- Apparently the baseball team overe here in Little Rock has been bringing midget wrestling to the stadium each summer for 14 years! I'm not sure how much each appearance costs, but it's a small price to pay for the all the excitement and joy that midget wrestling brings. The fans here already come to the ballpark on Friday nights to drink some beers and have fun, but the Friday night that midget wrestling came to town was unbelievable. We broke an attendance record with 8,868 folks in the stands, and I think each one enjoyed at least 3 frosty beverages. Right off the bat it was apparent that something special was going down the night the midgets came to town.

- The crew got to meet the two championship contenders about 2 hours before the highly anticipated match. It's amazing how intimidating two midget wrestlers can be. There are 6 guys on our crew, but all of us were too afraid to ask for a picture with them. We convinced the general manager Pete Laven to ask for us. "Beautiful Bobby" and "Little Kato" were very friendly and agreed to take the picture with us. There's something about uncomfortable situations that bring out the best in me…As the two championship contenders walked over after agreeing to pose with us, my mouth spit out the following sentence: "Thanks guys. You're cool with this right?" They handled this off-handed comment pretty well. They didn't say anything, but they looked at me as if to say, "If you patronize us with one more idiotic comment we're going to beat you. Now look at the camera and smile short non-midget boy."

- Later we got to meet the referee. I forget his name, but he had forearms the size of my legs, and they were covered in sweet tattoos. He also had a long ponytail that could kill…It was enough to make Steven Seagal blush.

- As we finished setting up the ring, I noticed that several of the Arkansas Travelers AND the Northwest Arkansas Natural players were coming out of their respective clubhouses early, and they were bringing chairs. They started to set them up around the ring, and there was some friendly fighting over prime viewing spots. This is when I realized that something truly American and awesome was about to happen. The baseball players are use to being the show, but on this date they took a back seat to watch and enjoy the real entertainment of the nigh: "Beautiful Bobby" vs. "Little Kato" for the MWO championship belt.

- "Beautiful Bobby" is in his 40s and his wrestling days are numbered. He's a fan favorite and he's constantly battling back from "career threatening" back and leg injuries. "Little Kato" is the young hotshot who does anything to win. He cheats, he hits below the belt, and he stinks. It was a classic Good vs. Evil battle just like the gunfights John Wayne got himself into in his timeless westerns that I love so much.

-"Beautiful Bobby" had the fans behind him throughout the best of three championship series. "Little Kato" constantly flipped off the crowd and yelled at them in response to their taunts and jeers. Long story short, "Little Kato" took the first match and "Beautiful Bobby" took the last two matches to take the championship belt. "Little Kato" was finished off with a trash can lid to the head and a body slam on top of the 20 gallon barrel. The players went nuts, the fans went nuts, and I went nuts. A great historical American theme presented itself again: Good defeated Evil in a classic battle. "Little Kato" took the slow and disappointing walk back to the showers.

- "Beautiful Bobby" was given a true champions exit with a ride in the ballpark golf cart. He put on his shiny robe and held his championship belt high as he rode around the warning track waving to his loyal fans. The joyous fans didn't know how much pain "Beautiful Bobby" was in. His knees ached, his joints were swollen, and the pain in his back made it hard to stand up straight. He stood tall for the fans because he knew how much they needed a hero during these hard times…If you were able to get close on that Friday afternoon and take a good look at Bobby's face, you'd see his smile looked out of place; if you looked closer it'd be easier to trace the tracks of his tears…The golf cart puttered slowly up the stadium ramp into the shadows created by the fading summer sun. I don't know where "Beautiful Bobby" is today, and I don't know if he'll ever come back to this town. That may have been his last fight. But as long as there's a need for justice out here in the West, something tells me "Beautiful Bobby" will always be ready. Here's to you "B.B." You're a true American.

- MUFFIN MATTERS UPDATES:

-1. In regards to a previous debate about which is more American; Golden Corral or CiCi's Pizza: I stand by my verdict that Golden Corral is more American, but a Golden Corral over here in Little Rock, AR is of concern to me. This particular one has only one toilet…if you eat at Golden Corral often you know how un-American, nay, in-humane this is.

-2. A co-worker of mine said something so ridiculous and un-American that I had to post it all over the world-wide-net-web. He shall remain un-named because I'm feeling nice today. Anyway, there's another co-worker of ours who is a female and has the nickname Pocahontas. There has been a creeping suspicion that Pocahontas and this guy have a thing for one another. So, some of us started calling him John Smith one day, to which he replied, "Who is John Smith?" We laughed until we found out he was serious. This guy didn't know who John flippin' Smith was. Are you kidding me? UN-AMERICAN.

Astro Turf: UN-AMERICAN

-Welcome back! Happy Memorial Day to all of you! On Memorial Day we honor all of those who died while serving in the US military. It's also the un-official beginning of summer. I love it when people call Memorial Day the beginning of summer. That in itself is American because we don't sit back and wait for the Summer Solstice before we declare the changing of the seasons. Who cares about all of that scientific junk? If it's hot outside and there are mullet-heads running around with their shirts off, then it's summer; if the Diamond Heels are about to tear up the dirt in the NCAA tournament, then it's summer; if the Kings and Queens of the local trailer parks are saving up every last dime to get the finest, best equipped, and most up-to-date bug zapper, then it's summer by golly.

-Today's topic is Astro Turf. I'm sick and tired of people sitting back and letting Astro Turf take over where beautiful green grass once was. It's un-American. And besides, sit back for a second and think about how many peaceful Fire-Ant ecosystems have been eradicated because of Astro Turf. It's a shame. What are we suppose to light on fire with magnifying glasses now?

-Astro Turf was invented in 1965 and patented in 1967 by a company named Monsato. The Astro Turf division consolidated in 1986 and opened up its headquarters in Dalton, Georgia. The day Astro Turf became an LLC (limited liability corporation) was one of the darkest days in our history. Heck, while we were at it, we should have just taken the stars off of our flag and painted the white stripes red like the communists we were acting like on that day.
-There just aren't enough positives associated with Astro Turf to outweigh the negatives. It allows us to play outdoor sports inside…this doesn't even make since. You don't see people bowling or playing darts outside do you? No, so why do we have people playing baseball and football inside? Astro Turf allows sports and recreational organizations to save money on the cost of field care…great idea. Let's outsource some more American jobs; brilliant. There aren't really any more positives to Astro Turf. It has evolved quite a bit over the last 20 years. It's more like real grass with tiny synthetic grass blades and a rubber base to allow for softer landings, but it's still garbage.

-Let's look at the negatives shall we? Have you ever seen pictures or videos of professional Japanese baseball games? If you have, you probably noticed one constant…Astro Turf. All of their stadiums; check that; all of their domes look the same. No playing surface is unique in Japan…they're fake and their bland. Do you see what we risk by using Astro Turf? Remember how similar the fields at the Astrodome, Kingdome, and the old Busch Stadium (before they installed real grass) looked? By using Astro Turf, we stand to lose a significant portion of the individualism that makes America, America.

-Another negative of Astro Turf is all of the injuries. This is a big reason so many franchises have come to their senses and installed real grass. Athletes are much more likely to sprain an ankle, tear an ACL or MCL, and get "turf toe" on rigid surfaces like Astro Turf. What the heck is "turf toe" anyway? Besides being extremely fun to say due to its inherent alliteration, there's nothing cool about it. Here's the definition from Wikipedia: "The injury occurs when someone or something falls on the back of the calf while that leg's knee and tips of the toes are touching the ground. The toe is hyperextended and thus the joint is injured." Lame.

-If we would have our athletes play sports on the beautiful grass that God gave us, then turf toe wouldn't be a problem.

-Astro Turf ain't American. Period. There's more I could say, but the NCAA baseball selection show just came on.

Mullet Matters: My pledge to you

-By the end of this summer, I'm going to have a mullet.

-I'm not talking about a ray-finned fish found worldwide in tropical and temperate coastal waters and some freshwater streams. This is what I'm talking about:

mul·let (mŭl'ĭt) 1. pl mul-lets: A hairstyle that is formed by cutting the hair short on the top and sides and allowing it to grow longer in the back.
2. American slang: Business in the front, party in the back.

-Is this post off to a great start or what? This week we are talking about a true cultural American phenomenon. Now, you could argue that mullets are much more "Southern" than they are "American," and you would probably win that argument. But, if you haven't figured it out by now, Muffin Matters has a slightly "Southern" tilt. It's just better that way. Yankees, stand down. I'm not saying to be "Southern" is better (though that may very well be true). I'm just saying that for writing purposes, the South provides lots of fantastic material not found in other regions of the continental-48.

-Tons of websites are dedicated to mullets. Here are just a few that I found via Google:

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/
http://www.mulletjunky.com/
http://www.mullethunting.com/
http://www.mulletwigs.com/
http://www.mulletmadness.com/
http://www.ratemymullet.com/
http://www.mullet.com/
http://www.mullet.org/
http://www.ilovemullets.com/
 

-A little league coach of mine used to wear a gelled semi-mullet. It wasn't quite long enough in the back, but he had the right idea. He would give us signs from the third base coaches box with a cigarette barely hanging on to his upper lip and with his mullet just sitting there being awesome. Last year at the UNC/Virginia football game, I missed the first half of football because I was staring at a fella in his mid-20's sporting jean shorts and a blonde mullet that barely fit under his faded Carolina cap. The best part was watching nearly 20 students walk by him and give him high-fives while he remained oblivious to the fact that he was the butt of an enormous joke. I know this because he turned to his friend about three times and shrugged his shoulders while shaking his head in a state of confusion.
-Anyway, I have admired mullets from afar for long enough. It's time to man up and get one of my own. I want to be on the other side of mullet interactions for a change. I want to catch someone staring and say, "I see you over there admiring my mullet. Would you like to touch it? Would you like to take a picture of it without having to sneak up behind me? Would you like to know my IQ? Would you like to talk NASCAR?"

-My internship in Arkansas expires on September 15th. That gives me just over 4 months to perfect my true American hairdo. Once it reaches full form, I'll no longer have to frequent flea-markets and yard sales for a good giggle, I'll be able to get my laughs just by standing in front of a mirror.

-Besides, a mullet has some practical purposes as well. First of all, I won't have to apply sun tan lotion to my neck anymore because I'll have hair covering it. I'll finally have an appropriate accessory to go with my Dale Earnhardt hat. It just doesn't look right with a normal haircut. Auto-mechanics won't try anything sneaky on me, because they'll look at me and say to themselves, "this guy knows exactly what's going on under the hood of his car. He's just too lazy to fix it himself." I may also be able to get an employee discount on purchases at Wal-Mart without showing any form of identification. We'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to this experiment. I hope you are too!

A Mascot Race Gone Terribly Wrong

-Welcome back! Last week we had a debate. This week, there will be no debate. We’re going to talk about something that is undeniably un-American. It’s more un-American than the NHL playoffs.
-First let’s talk about something that is American: baseball. Whether you like the sport or not, it’s as American as Dollywood. Baseball has its traditions: hotdogs, the seventh-inning stretch, take me out to the ballgame, ice cold beers, etc. Another tradition that is especially prevalent in minor league baseball is the mascot race. Fellow North Carolinians should be very familiar with minor league baseball and mascot races. North Carolina has an astounding 10 minor league teams. If you’re not familiar with mascot races, they’re simple. The home team’s mascot races a young kid around the base-paths between one of the innings. It’s kind of like watching Wile E. Coyote chase after that pesky Road Runner…you know who’s going to win, but it’s still fun to watch!
-If you’re from the Triangle, you may be familiar with the one and only Wool E. Bull. If you’re from the Triad, you may know Wally the Warthog from Winston-Salem. If you’re from the mountains, you know and love Ted E. Tourist the Bear from Asheville. They all have something in common in that they’ve never won a mascot race except for on their birthdays when they race another mascot. That’s how it should be. The kid always wins. The kid loves it, the crowd loves it, and the players love it. We all love watching the mascot lose. Sometimes the mascot is just too tired to make it all the way around the bases; sometimes he trips over a base; sometimes he sees something shiny and gets distracted…for whatever reason he just can’t seem to get right, and we love it!
-For the record, I am living in Little Rock, Arkansas for the summer as a member of the grounds crew for the Arkansas Travelers, a double-A team in the Texas League. The mascot here is Shelly. Shelly is a cross-eyed horse with buck teeth…I wish I was making that up. Anyway, I witnessed something so un-American this past week at the ballpark that it made me think for a split-second that I was in North Korea or Canada. I will now relay to you 3 separate accounts of this disastrous event.
ACCOUNT 1: Lance, the on-field MC
Lance is responsible for pumping up the crowd. He goes onto the field between innings with a microphone and talks to the fans about the on-field promotions. On Thursday night, in the middle of the second inning, Lance was at his normal post close to the third base dugout where the finish line for the mascot race is. Although you couldn’t hear it in his voice, Lance was concerned because before he and “Shelly” took the field they had this conversation:
-Shelly: “How old is this kid?”
-Lance: “He just turned 9.”
-Shelly: “Then he’s old enough…”
-Before Lance had a chance to investigate, it was too late to ask questions. The show had to go on…
ACCOUNT 2: Phil, the radio broadcaster
Phil Elson is one of the finest radio broadcasters in the business. Woody Durham would most likely high-five Phil if he listened to a Travelers broadcast. Anyway, Phil very rarely pays attention to the on field promotions between innings because he’s busy making sure his scorebook is accurate or he’s looking through notes. But on this night, he couldn’t help but notice the catastrophe on the field. Here is a transcript of Phil’s broadcast after the commercial break following the top of the second inning: “Well, you never know what’s gonna happen between innings at Dickey-Stephens Park. I think we just had a first in the history of Travs Baseball. The Travs mascot …(silence)… Shelly… (silence)…beat the kid…He won. Shelly won the mascot race between the top and bottom of the second inning. Now I will let you know that that is not suppose to happen. I don’t knot what script Shelly is going by or what kind of performance-enhancing horse-feed Shelly is eating, but we’re going to have to suspend him for that.”
ACCOUNT 3: Your boy, the Muffin
I was sitting beyond the left-field wall in the grounds crew pit. I was on top of a tall stack of bagged infield rock. Before the race, I said the same thing to myself that I do before every mascot race I’ve ever seen. I said, “alright, beat this kid. He/she ain’t nothing. You got it mascot! Take this dude down! Just once, man up and beat this kid! NO MERCY!!!” Well, I never knew how much I didn’t really want this to happen until it happened. I sat there and watched the race take place. They started at first base. Shelly and the boy touched second at the same time. Shelly took a slight lead between 2nd and 3rd. This was typical. I fully expected a player to close-line Shelly, or for Shelly to trip, or for Shelly to get tired and bend over with his hands on his knees and give up. Shelly touched third base first and kept going. This was very odd. Shelly extended his hands and touched the finish-line banner before the young boy did. At first, I laughed hysterically for 5 seconds. Then a feeling of pure shock and horror overtook me. What in the heck had just happened? I could feel my face turn white. The fans were confused too. They usually boo when something happens that they dissaprove of, but they didn’t have time to react. This was too much. The stadium was silent. Lance, who ALWAYS has something to say didn’t know what to say: “Whoah…(extended silence)…wow…man…Shelly won. Shelly won the mascot race. How about that…I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.” I looked over to my fellow employees and asked
-“Did you see that?”
-“Yeah…did Shelly win?” they responded.
-“I think so,” I said. I got down and walked slowly up the tunnel to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I started crying, and I haven’t stopped yet. Why Shelly? WHY!? You communist horse! I hope you’re happy. You just ruined one of baseball’s and one of AMERICA’S most storied traditions. Way to go.
-That my friends is as un-American as it gets.

Golden Corral VS. CiCi's Pizza...Which is More American?

* A quick note before we get started...Muffin Matters is now syndicated! Thanks to Carolina Water Cooler, top-class Americana is reaching more people than ever. Check it out at http://www.carolinawatercooler.com.

This week, we are going to engage in a difficult yet crucial debate. Some of you will likely jump to one side or the other right off the bat. Some of you will probably be torn to bits on this issue, but we must come to a consensus. We are going to determine which is more American: Golden Corral or CiCi’s Pizza.
---I know what some of you are thinking right now… “Muffin, this is an easy one. Pizza ain’t American. It’s I-talian.”
---Well, pizza may be an Italian dish, but I’ll tell you something right now; pizza topped with barbecued chicken, cheeseburger bits, and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American. FYI, pizza didn’t actually originate in Italy. Historians believe the Greeks or Romans are to thank for the delicious round mass of greasy, cheesy, saucy goodness.
Anyway, the debate will not be solely based on the food served at these glorious establishments. We will also consider what these restaurants represent and stand for. Our primary objective is to determine which one of these culinary masterpieces best embodies the Spirit of America. And yes, the “Spirit of America” is a real and tangible thing, and if you don’t agree, then you are most certainly a hippie or a communist.
---Ok, let’s first take a look at the basics. Golden Corral opened in the great city of Fayetteville, North Carolina in 1973. They now have 476 franchises in 38 states. They have an absolutely splendid buffet that contains an array of foods including but not limited to carved and hot meats, pasta, pizza, veggies, salads, and desserts! Their company vision is "To be the leading family restaurant system by making pleasurable dining affordable for every guest, in every restaurant, every day." I don’t know why they tossed in the word “system,” but I like it. As if having a tip-top vision wasn’t enough, they also have a company mission which is, “to make pleasurable dining affordable.” However, they get negative cool points for ripping the company mission directly from the company vision. Lastly, Golden Corral was voted the #1 family buffet by “Nation’s Restaurant News” for the 10th consecutive year in 2007! And we all know how prestigious the “Nation’s Restaurant News” is.
---CiCi’s Pizza opened in the bland city of Plano, Texas in 1985. They now have approximately 600 franchises in 29 states. They have an endless pizza buffet with classic favorites and new creations. They also offer some pasta, some salad, and a decent selection of yummy and sweet desserts. They don’t have a “vision” but they do have a “mission” and it’s a good one: “To exceed each guest's expectation in food, service and cleanliness, all within CiCi's low all-you-can-eat price point.” Kind of poetic isn’t it? I got quite a good giggle out of the fact that CiCi’s Pizza also cites the “Nation’s Restaurant News” on their website: Cici’s is number one for sales and unit growth in the pizza chain category for the last 4 years. AWESOME!
--- Now for the intangibles.
-PATRONS: A scientific poll showed that on a NASCAR race day, you have a 70% chance of walking up to any table in Golden Corral and asking, “Who won today?” and getting the correct answer. In CiCi’s pizza, you have only a 10% chance of getting this critical information. In CiCi’s pizza you will likely have to compete against throngs of ankle-biters celebrating birthdays which means less specialty pizza for you. In GC, the young ones are usually accompanied. One of my most memorable restaurant experiences happened at GC by the way. A young lad was standing in front of the bar where the macaroni and cheese usually sits. He looked on intently as a GC employee walked in the back to pick up a new batch. The child was focused and completely still as he waited there salivating. When the employee returned and placed the mac & cheese in its rightful place, the child promptly raised both hands over his head and pumped his arms three times before digging in. This was awesome. John Stillman was actually there that day, and I immediately relayed the story to him. Kids don’t make CiCi’s less American, but they do make it a touch more annoying…and to be annoying reminds me of France not America. Edge to GC.
-SERVICE: Treating people the right way is truly American, so service is crucial in this debate. If there’s one thing CiCi’s employees learn in their intense and specialized training which I’m sure takes no less than 2 months, it’s to say “Hi! Welcome to CiCi’s!” when you walk in. When you leave, you will undoubtedly hear the words, “Thanks for coming to CiCi’s!” From my experience, they really seem to mean it. Although, they don’t always have the pizza you want, they usually have something to hold you over until what you want shows up. At Golden Corral, smiling faces and kind words are harder to come by. You get a waiter and/or waitress, but I would prefer to fill up my glass of Coke on my own since I’m already getting up to fill my plate with fried dead animals. The edge goes to CiCi’s
-FOOD: Yes, barbecued chicken pizza is distinctly American, but no one can deny Golden Corral’s traditional American food lineup. Fried meats and a better desert bar put GC over the top in this category.
-AFFORDABILITY: Affordability is another crucial quality when it comes to being American. Everyone should be able to enjoy good food and good times. At GC, you’re looking at an average price of 13 bucks per person. At CiCi’s you’re looking at just under 6 dollars per person. Nowhere do you get more bang for your buck than CiCi’s pizza. Edge to CiCi’s.
-THE VERDICT: First let me say that this is the hardest decision I’ve made since I was forced by a friend to choose my favorite John Wayne movie. I chose “The Undefeated”: a splendid film set in the tumultuous aftermath of the Civil War.
---Anyway, I flip-flopped 3 times while writing this column. On the one hand, as one friend pointed out, GC represents America’s history as a “melting pot.” GC has a little bit of everything when it comes to food and patrons. Who knows what you’ll find. On the other hand, CiCi’s Pizza is growing at a tremendous pace with over 600 franchises at last check. MORE, MORE, MORE; a classic American ideal. But, although CiCi’s has more restaurants, Golden Corral has set up shop in more states (39)…When it came down to it, there was one x-factor that put Golden Corral over the top. Golden Corral allows veterans to eat free on Veterans Day. How cool and American is that?
---May God Bless Golden Corral and America. That’s it and that’s all. Did you think it was possible to write this much on a debate between Golden Corral and CiCi’s pizza?