Budweiser: Un-American

-Last week on Muffin Matters, I praised one big American business: Walmart. This week I’m going to trash another American business: Anheuser Busch. I would first like to thank Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy for helping me find the words to cope with this pathetic event. Coach Gundy’s 2007 press conference freak out about a quarterback who lost his starting spot really offers good material for any situation that may anger you. If you need a refresher course, visit YouTube. I have italicized everything in this column that I got and/or modified from Gundy’s fantastic rant against the media.

-I want to talk to you today about this merger right here. The sell of Budweiser to the Belgian brewing company, InBev makes me embarrassed to be a part of American consumer culture…tremendously. There’s nothing good about this merger, and I will not drink Anheuser Busch products again…unless the born-on date is before the date of the merger announcement.

-The brilliant ownership group at AB decided to ruin their brand because they couldn’t turn down $52 billion. It’s yet another case of greedy money hounds looking out for number one. They have taken a great American success story and turned it into a tale of one of the biggest American sellouts in history. Are you kidding me?

-Let met tell you what I don’t like about this merger. Budweiser was first brewed by an Italian immigrant in 1876 about a decade after the conclusion of the Civil War. What a perfect American success story of an immigrant looking for a new start in a land of promise. It ain’t perfect anymore. No matter what they say, the ownership group at AB did this simply for the money. Where are we at in society today? They were not concerned with the American legacy that Anheuser Busch had created. All the money involved in this deal will go straight to the top. It won’t help to better the beer, it won’t benefit employees, and it won’t help the economy. Each shareholder will receive $70 a share. Woopty freakin’ do. I hope it was worth it.

-What are my qualifications for making a statement about the American economy you may wonder. Well I’m not qualified at all to make statements about the economic impact of a large brewing merger, but my brother is an economics professor, and that counts for something…right? Bottom line is Budweiser is American and InBev ain’t. There like oil and water; they don’t mix.

-"This combination will create a stronger, more competitive global company with an unrivaled worldwide brand portfolio and distribution network, with great potential for growth all over the world," Carlos Brito, CEO of InBev said in a statement. What the heck does that even mean? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN YOU MISCHIEVIOUS BELGIAN? This merger is garbage. And the man in charge at AB that let it happen is garbage. If you want to go after a brewery, one of OUR BREWERIES, go after one that doesn’t taste good (like Sam Adams which tastes like rotten pizza that has been ran through a blender and then strained). If you have a favorite beer some day, you’ll understand how I feel. Maybe you don’t have a favorite beer; I do. Maybe someday you will, and you’ll understand. InBev says they want to establish a firm footprint in locations where they are expanding; that ain’t true. They just want to take a piece of our dignity away. They say the merger will help both sides; that’s not true. They want to make an AMERICAN brand theirs.

-I just don’t understand why the ownership group at AB thought it was necessary to fix something that wasn’t broke. They didn’t need this. They already had over 50% of the share in the American beer industry, and they were doing just fine internationally as well. Those greedy, cotton-headed, ninny muggins’. What were they thinking?

-And InBev. They’ve got some nerve. If InBev wants to come after somebody, they can come after me. I’m a man. I’m 23. I’m not a kid. I can drink legally. I would have sent Mr. InBev back to Belgium with a black eye. The geniuses in charge at AB acted childish, seeing only dollar signs when they should have been considering the cultural impact of this move. They’re supposed to be mature adults, but they’re really not. Who’s the kid here? WHO’S THE KID HERE? Are you kidding me?

-That’s all I got to say. Makes me want to puke.
(And the gallery applauds)