-Welcome back! Happy Memorial Day to all of you! On Memorial Day we honor all of those who died while serving in the US military. It's also the un-official beginning of summer. I love it when people call Memorial Day the beginning of summer. That in itself is American because we don't sit back and wait for the Summer Solstice before we declare the changing of the seasons. Who cares about all of that scientific junk? If it's hot outside and there are mullet-heads running around with their shirts off, then it's summer; if the Diamond Heels are about to tear up the dirt in the NCAA tournament, then it's summer; if the Kings and Queens of the local trailer parks are saving up every last dime to get the finest, best equipped, and most up-to-date bug zapper, then it's summer by golly. -Today's topic is Astro Turf. I'm sick and tired of people sitting back and letting Astro Turf take over where beautiful green grass once was. It's un-American. And besides, sit back for a second and think about how many peaceful Fire-Ant ecosystems have been eradicated because of Astro Turf. It's a shame. What are we suppose to light on fire with magnifying glasses now?
-Astro Turf was invented in 1965 and patented in 1967 by a company named Monsato. The Astro Turf division consolidated in 1986 and opened up its headquarters in Dalton, Georgia. The day Astro Turf became an LLC (limited liability corporation) was one of the darkest days in our history. Heck, while we were at it, we should have just taken the stars off of our flag and painted the white stripes red like the communists we were acting like on that day.
-There just aren't enough positives associated with Astro Turf to outweigh the negatives. It allows us to play outdoor sports inside…this doesn't even make since. You don't see people bowling or playing darts outside do you? No, so why do we have people playing baseball and football inside? Astro Turf allows sports and recreational organizations to save money on the cost of field care…great idea. Let's outsource some more American jobs; brilliant. There aren't really any more positives to Astro Turf. It has evolved quite a bit over the last 20 years. It's more like real grass with tiny synthetic grass blades and a rubber base to allow for softer landings, but it's still garbage.
-Let's look at the negatives shall we? Have you ever seen pictures or videos of professional Japanese baseball games? If you have, you probably noticed one constant…Astro Turf. All of their stadiums; check that; all of their domes look the same. No playing surface is unique in Japan…they're fake and their bland. Do you see what we risk by using Astro Turf? Remember how similar the fields at the Astrodome, Kingdome, and the old Busch Stadium (before they installed real grass) looked? By using Astro Turf, we stand to lose a significant portion of the individualism that makes America, America.
-Another negative of Astro Turf is all of the injuries. This is a big reason so many franchises have come to their senses and installed real grass. Athletes are much more likely to sprain an ankle, tear an ACL or MCL, and get "turf toe" on rigid surfaces like Astro Turf. What the heck is "turf toe" anyway? Besides being extremely fun to say due to its inherent alliteration, there's nothing cool about it. Here's the definition from Wikipedia: "The injury occurs when someone or something falls on the back of the calf while that leg's knee and tips of the toes are touching the ground. The toe is hyperextended and thus the joint is injured." Lame.
-If we would have our athletes play sports on the beautiful grass that God gave us, then turf toe wouldn't be a problem.
-Astro Turf ain't American. Period. There's more I could say, but the NCAA baseball selection show just came on.
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