Mullet Matters: My pledge to you

-By the end of this summer, I'm going to have a mullet.

-I'm not talking about a ray-finned fish found worldwide in tropical and temperate coastal waters and some freshwater streams. This is what I'm talking about:

mul·let (mŭl'ĭt) 1. pl mul-lets: A hairstyle that is formed by cutting the hair short on the top and sides and allowing it to grow longer in the back.
2. American slang: Business in the front, party in the back.

-Is this post off to a great start or what? This week we are talking about a true cultural American phenomenon. Now, you could argue that mullets are much more "Southern" than they are "American," and you would probably win that argument. But, if you haven't figured it out by now, Muffin Matters has a slightly "Southern" tilt. It's just better that way. Yankees, stand down. I'm not saying to be "Southern" is better (though that may very well be true). I'm just saying that for writing purposes, the South provides lots of fantastic material not found in other regions of the continental-48.

-Tons of websites are dedicated to mullets. Here are just a few that I found via Google:

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/
http://www.mulletjunky.com/
http://www.mullethunting.com/
http://www.mulletwigs.com/
http://www.mulletmadness.com/
http://www.ratemymullet.com/
http://www.mullet.com/
http://www.mullet.org/
http://www.ilovemullets.com/
 

-A little league coach of mine used to wear a gelled semi-mullet. It wasn't quite long enough in the back, but he had the right idea. He would give us signs from the third base coaches box with a cigarette barely hanging on to his upper lip and with his mullet just sitting there being awesome. Last year at the UNC/Virginia football game, I missed the first half of football because I was staring at a fella in his mid-20's sporting jean shorts and a blonde mullet that barely fit under his faded Carolina cap. The best part was watching nearly 20 students walk by him and give him high-fives while he remained oblivious to the fact that he was the butt of an enormous joke. I know this because he turned to his friend about three times and shrugged his shoulders while shaking his head in a state of confusion.
-Anyway, I have admired mullets from afar for long enough. It's time to man up and get one of my own. I want to be on the other side of mullet interactions for a change. I want to catch someone staring and say, "I see you over there admiring my mullet. Would you like to touch it? Would you like to take a picture of it without having to sneak up behind me? Would you like to know my IQ? Would you like to talk NASCAR?"

-My internship in Arkansas expires on September 15th. That gives me just over 4 months to perfect my true American hairdo. Once it reaches full form, I'll no longer have to frequent flea-markets and yard sales for a good giggle, I'll be able to get my laughs just by standing in front of a mirror.

-Besides, a mullet has some practical purposes as well. First of all, I won't have to apply sun tan lotion to my neck anymore because I'll have hair covering it. I'll finally have an appropriate accessory to go with my Dale Earnhardt hat. It just doesn't look right with a normal haircut. Auto-mechanics won't try anything sneaky on me, because they'll look at me and say to themselves, "this guy knows exactly what's going on under the hood of his car. He's just too lazy to fix it himself." I may also be able to get an employee discount on purchases at Wal-Mart without showing any form of identification. We'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to this experiment. I hope you are too!