- I hope your Memorial Day weekend was fantastic! It's truly hard to top the excitement that surrounds the un-official beginning of summer, but we'll try to do it this week with..drum roll please…midget wrestling. I'd like to start by saying that I have absolutely no intention of offending small people, midgets, or their families with this column. I'm simply relaying a truly American and awesome sport that I knew little about before I got here…There are approximately 2 million puns I could make in this week's column, but I'm going to be the bigger man and keep it clean.
- I first heard about "professional" midget wrestling when I moved to Arkansas. Professional is a term that we should use loosely here, because these fellas ain't exactly breaking the bank. The name of the organization is the MWO which stands for Midget World Order. These wrestlers get paid to appear and beat the heck out of each other at sporting venues, bars, and anywhere else party people go in the South.
- Apparently the baseball team overe here in Little Rock has been bringing midget wrestling to the stadium each summer for 14 years! I'm not sure how much each appearance costs, but it's a small price to pay for the all the excitement and joy that midget wrestling brings. The fans here already come to the ballpark on Friday nights to drink some beers and have fun, but the Friday night that midget wrestling came to town was unbelievable. We broke an attendance record with 8,868 folks in the stands, and I think each one enjoyed at least 3 frosty beverages. Right off the bat it was apparent that something special was going down the night the midgets came to town.
- The crew got to meet the two championship contenders about 2 hours before the highly anticipated match. It's amazing how intimidating two midget wrestlers can be. There are 6 guys on our crew, but all of us were too afraid to ask for a picture with them. We convinced the general manager Pete Laven to ask for us. "Beautiful Bobby" and "Little Kato" were very friendly and agreed to take the picture with us. There's something about uncomfortable situations that bring out the best in me…As the two championship contenders walked over after agreeing to pose with us, my mouth spit out the following sentence: "Thanks guys. You're cool with this right?" They handled this off-handed comment pretty well. They didn't say anything, but they looked at me as if to say, "If you patronize us with one more idiotic comment we're going to beat you. Now look at the camera and smile short non-midget boy."
- Later we got to meet the referee. I forget his name, but he had forearms the size of my legs, and they were covered in sweet tattoos. He also had a long ponytail that could kill…It was enough to make Steven Seagal blush.
- As we finished setting up the ring, I noticed that several of the Arkansas Travelers AND the Northwest Arkansas Natural players were coming out of their respective clubhouses early, and they were bringing chairs. They started to set them up around the ring, and there was some friendly fighting over prime viewing spots. This is when I realized that something truly American and awesome was about to happen. The baseball players are use to being the show, but on this date they took a back seat to watch and enjoy the real entertainment of the nigh: "Beautiful Bobby" vs. "Little Kato" for the MWO championship belt.
- "Beautiful Bobby" is in his 40s and his wrestling days are numbered. He's a fan favorite and he's constantly battling back from "career threatening" back and leg injuries. "Little Kato" is the young hotshot who does anything to win. He cheats, he hits below the belt, and he stinks. It was a classic Good vs. Evil battle just like the gunfights John Wayne got himself into in his timeless westerns that I love so much.
-"Beautiful Bobby" had the fans behind him throughout the best of three championship series. "Little Kato" constantly flipped off the crowd and yelled at them in response to their taunts and jeers. Long story short, "Little Kato" took the first match and "Beautiful Bobby" took the last two matches to take the championship belt. "Little Kato" was finished off with a trash can lid to the head and a body slam on top of the 20 gallon barrel. The players went nuts, the fans went nuts, and I went nuts. A great historical American theme presented itself again: Good defeated Evil in a classic battle. "Little Kato" took the slow and disappointing walk back to the showers.
- "Beautiful Bobby" was given a true champions exit with a ride in the ballpark golf cart. He put on his shiny robe and held his championship belt high as he rode around the warning track waving to his loyal fans. The joyous fans didn't know how much pain "Beautiful Bobby" was in. His knees ached, his joints were swollen, and the pain in his back made it hard to stand up straight. He stood tall for the fans because he knew how much they needed a hero during these hard times…If you were able to get close on that Friday afternoon and take a good look at Bobby's face, you'd see his smile looked out of place; if you looked closer it'd be easier to trace the tracks of his tears…The golf cart puttered slowly up the stadium ramp into the shadows created by the fading summer sun. I don't know where "Beautiful Bobby" is today, and I don't know if he'll ever come back to this town. That may have been his last fight. But as long as there's a need for justice out here in the West, something tells me "Beautiful Bobby" will always be ready. Here's to you "B.B." You're a true American.
- MUFFIN MATTERS UPDATES:
-1. In regards to a previous debate about which is more American; Golden Corral or CiCi's Pizza: I stand by my verdict that Golden Corral is more American, but a Golden Corral over here in Little Rock, AR is of concern to me. This particular one has only one toilet…if you eat at Golden Corral often you know how un-American, nay, in-humane this is.
-2. A co-worker of mine said something so ridiculous and un-American that I had to post it all over the world-wide-net-web. He shall remain un-named because I'm feeling nice today. Anyway, there's another co-worker of ours who is a female and has the nickname Pocahontas. There has been a creeping suspicion that Pocahontas and this guy have a thing for one another. So, some of us started calling him John Smith one day, to which he replied, "Who is John Smith?" We laughed until we found out he was serious. This guy didn't know who John flippin' Smith was. Are you kidding me? UN-AMERICAN.
2 comments:
Casey...are you ducking in that first group shot???? If not, then, um...nevermind.
I know it's an old post but I'm laughing because you said Beautiful Bobby is in his 40's. "Beautiful Bobby" Bobby Tovey was 2 years behind me in High School in St Joseph, MO and I graduated in 1994 he's only 32. His Older Brother "Kato" Chris Dube is the one who is almost in his 40's he's actully about 38.
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