I love "Deal or No Deal"

-The FIRST TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wanted to shove a pitch fork through my spleen.
-The SECOND TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I considered ramming my head into the television screen in order to kill two birds with one stone. The first bird being the TV that allowed this non-sense to corrupt my life, and the second bird being my ability to be conscious.
-The THIRD TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal"...it didn't cause me any agony or cause me to wish physical pain upon myself.
-The FOURTH TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I was free from worries and anxiety for an entire hour. I was completely entertained and engaged, and I'm fairly certain the joy I received from it added years to my life.
-What are we to make of this? Something that seemed so horrid and repulsive at first, is now something I look forward to on a daily basis (especially on Mondays and Wednesdays when new episodes air at 9pm ET/8pm CT). So what do we make of this? Is it of Satan? No, I don't think so, but it does have a dangerous addictive quality. Is it of God? Not sure....wouldn't every contestant win $1 million if it was?
-Well, we just have to break it down and see exactly what it is that makes "Deal or No Deal" special. 3 things make it spectacular and a must see. 1) The contestants and their constant lack of intelligence and lack of skill in logic. 2) Howie Mandel: An Emmy-winning entertainer who is a cross between Bob Barker and Robin Williams. 3) The ladies.
-1) The contestants are idiots. They say stuff like, "I told myself that if I got offered $200,000, I would take the deal and pay off all of loans and help my family...but I just can't stop now; I'm going to win the million!" Idiots. Some of these contestants come on the show talking about how much they need the money and then they piss it away because of greed but mostly because of stupidity. I love it! Watching people in misery after pissing away thousands of dollars is great! Why? Because it's not you! It's some other poor schmuck who was too dumb to know a good thing when it hit them in the face.
-2) Howie Mandel, like Bob Barker is an Emmy-winning entertainer. Mandel has added the right dose of game show sensibility and comedy to create a fantastic sidebar to the show. His lines are priceless: "Deal?" as the holds this hands together just below his nose..."Or no deal?" as he then opens his hands and points them palm-up towards the contestant as if to say, "I know you're having a tough time partner, but give me a flippin' answer." Mandel is also a germ-a-phobe, and he is afraid to shake hands. Seriously, watch him, he never shakes...he only gives "pounds." I keep watching for the day that some contestant just flips out and is so excited that they grab his hand. What will he do?!
-3) The ladies. Brilliant idea. It's good to know that women are still seen as sex objects somewhere. Just kidding...but seriously. No, I'm just kidding, but isn't it surprising that some politically correct whack job hasn't come along and dismissed the show as sexist and repulsive? I think so, but I'm not complaining.
-The FIFTIETH time I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wrote a blog and suggested that you watch it too.

Blog Blitz: Christmas Decorations, Voice Mail, and 'The Video Game Continuum'

It's been nearly 2 monthes since the last post. I've got 3 topics here that have been in the making for some time.
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When is it appropriate to put up/take down Holiday decorations and lights?
-At one point or another, have we not all wondered about this? This is a question that might not have a definite answer, but it’s worth exploring. First, I hope we can agree that all shopping malls, Wal-Marts, and CVS pharmacies put out Christmas decorations way too early. These stores usually put out Christmas accessories right after Halloween. It’s absurd. And what about the overlap? You know what I’m talking about…when there’s still Halloween stuff in the stores on clearance, but the Christmas stuff is already out. First of all it creates a color scheme (Black and Orange along with Red and Green) that makes one want to vomit. To me, it’s hideous. I liken the affect of this color scheme to the sound of finger nails dominating a chalk board. These colors are like Britney Spears and sanity; they just don’t go together.
-Does it seem to you that these stores put out Christmas decorations earlier every year? If so, it’s because they do. I’m certain that as a young Muffin, Christmas items didn’t debut until around or after Thanksgiving. That’s more sensible. So why do they put them out so early now? Why do these places piss us off with premature Christmas celebration? Why do they have Christmas items out for 2 whole months (one-sixth of the entire year)? Because idiots will actually buy the stuff that early. A domino effect has resulted; now citizens have started to decorate early as well. The Kings and Queens of the trailer parks are saying, “If Sam Walton and Wal-Mart are ready for Christmas, then we should be too! Let’s go buy an inflatable, light up, snow man!” Don’t get me wrong. I love those damn inflatable snowmen and Santa Clauses, but not in early November.
-I’d like to suggest some basic guidelines. I make a motion that Christmas decorations are acceptable right after Thanksgiving, and ideal on December 1. I also move that if you violate these guidelines, you should immediately be arrested and placed in a square room with walls completely covered with colored twinkle lights. You should be tied up with garland and sat in a chair in front of a television that plays “Jingle all the Way” non-stop. Because this movie is actually enjoyable, it will be muted, and you will be forced to listen instead to N’Syncs’ Christmas album which I’m pretty sure Jesus probably wouldn’t even want to listen to. You would be released on Christmas Day.
-So when should these decorations be taken down? Have you had the misfortune of ever knowing anyone who has said this: “We’ve decided that the best thing to do is leave our Christmas lights and Christmas tree up year-round. You can’t really notice the lights around the house, and we take the Christmas decorations off the tree and put some plain white lights on it and just leave it in the living room.” I pray you’ve never known anyone who has said this, because the FIRST time I heard this, the frontal lobe of my brain exploded, and I blacked out for 3 days. The second time I heard this, I pissed my pants and laughed uncontrollably, not because it was funny, but because I was so disturbed.
-I make a motion that Christmas decorations be taken down on January 2 at the latest. I also move that if you violate this rule, you be arrested and shipped to the North Pole to work in Santa’s workshop for the rest of your life. What’s that you say? Santa’s workshop doesn’t exist? The fruitcakes we would arrest and send up there could start one.

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The Problem with Voice Mail Recordings:
-This was brought to my attention by a friend about a month ago. I hesitated to write about it, because I’m guilty of Voice Mail fraud myself.
-Fellow Stokes County product, Daniel Brown, explained to me that most people lie on their voicemail recordings. A typical voicemail recording goes something like this: “Hey, this is _______. Sorry, I can’t get to my phone right now. Leave your name, number, and a message, and I’ll call you back.” Let’s break it down, as Brown did, one part at a time.
-A. “Hey, this is _______." That’s innocent enough. Nothing wrong with that. It’s a statement of fact with no ambiguity or poor intent.
-B. “Sorry, I can’t get to my phone right now.” This is a lie almost 90% of the time, is it not? You can get to your phone, but you choose not to. Let’s be honest; there are only a couple of instances when you wouldn’t be able to get to your phone (when you’re showering, when you’re sleeping or taking a nap, when your phone is dead, and when your partying like I always do, and you can’t hear your phone). And if you can’t get to your phone, you’re hardly ever sorry about it.
-C. “Leave your name, number and a message, and I’ll call you back.” Liar. You’re not going to call them back. At least not anytime soon. You’ll give them that terrible line when you finally get around to calling, “Something’s wrong with my voicemail. I didn’t know you had called. I hate Verizon (or Cingular, or AT&T, or Altell, or whatever). I hate this damn phone. What’s been going on?” We have to be better than that. Sometimes you don’t call at all, and the next time you see them, you plead ignorance, “You called? I never got a message or anything. Weird. You should have called me again!” Pathetic.
-How do we fix this problem? Most likely, we won’t fix it at all. We’ll keep staring at our phones while they ring saying, “I’m enjoying this couch and this Twinkie too much right now. That phone’s going to have to stay right there on the coffee table. If it’s really important, they’ll call back.” What if they don’t call back?! What if they’re on their death-bed, and they wanted to hear your voice just one more time before taking off to the spirit world? That’s a little extreme, but you can’t rule anything out.
-Maybe the best answer is changing our voicemail recordings to something like this: “Hey this is_____. I stared at the phone while you called, but was too sorry to pick up. I might call you back, but I’d rather wait for you to text me or send an instant message via internet. Nothing personal; just doing what I always do. Later.”
-If anyone is guilty of false voicemail recordings, it’s me, so I apologize to all of you who have called me without getting an answer. I do hate cell phones. I’ll try to do better. I hope you do too.
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The Video Game Continuum:
-America’s children are fat. I worked at a summer camp in 2007, and I saw enough over-weight kids to make me cry. The worst part is that the parents of these obese kids constantly provided notes that exempted them from physical activity. That makes no sense. The one’s that needed exercise most were chill-laxing in the shade with Dr. Peppers and popsicles while the other kids were sweating their little asses off.
-One similarity between the fat-asses and skinny kids is that they all enjoy video games. We had a rule that said they couldn’t bring portable video game systems to camp, but this was the rule they broke the most. They couldn’t get enough. They were like little crack addicts with their video games. One kid named Josh cried when I took his Nintendo DS away mid-game. He begged me to, “at least save what I’ve done so far. I’ve spent 20 minutes getting to that point. Please Casey, just save it. This is all I’ll ever ask of you. Just save the game.”…So I turned it off without saving right in front of him for two reasons: 1. Josh needs to focus on stuff other than video games. 2. Turning the DS off without saving amused me to no end. Before you start thinking I’m some big asshole who picks on kids, I’d like to take a brief aside and tell you more about this kid Josh. This young man needs to get out more. He constantly reads books about subjects that are inappropriate for kids his age, he constantly “be-downgrades” (thanks Coach Gundy) and belittles other kids, and he plays that odd card game “Magic” way too often. On more than one occasion, Josh called me a “Foul Spirit” for no reason. What is a foul spirit you ask? Well I asked him, and he proceeded to tell me, “A foul spirit is a goolish creature that disgusts me and which the free world should be rid of.” So basically, this little d-bag had it coming. Now back to the subject at hand…
-Maybe video games don’t have a completely negative effect on today’s youth. I’d like to advance a theory here on Muffin Matters that I call “The Video Game Continuum.” Originally, video games had terrible graphics and were fairly abstract. As we all know, they’ve gotten more realistic as time has gone by. Most recently, several games and consoles came out that involved more physical interaction and physical activity from participants. The ones that come to my mind are the Nintendo Wii, the game Guitar Hero, and the game Dance Dance Revolution. All of a sudden, we’ve got games and systems that can actually make you tired. These games/systems require not only hand-eye coordination but full-body coordination. Fantastic. The Nintendo Wii actually flashes messages on the screen that suggest you take a break in case you’ve been playing too hard and need to rest. Awesome. The idea of these little fat ass kids being tricked into doing physical activity is brilliant. If you play Wii Tennis, you have to swing the controller just like a racket to play. If you play Wii Baseball, you have to make throwing and swinging motions to play. And if you want to throw a faster pitch or have a hard swing, you have to move that controller faster. If you play Dance Dance Revolution, which I never have because I don’t/can’t dance, you have to move very quickly to succeed. Here’s the main point of “The Video Game Continuum”: Soon, kids will say, ‘hey, why don’t we just go outside and do this stuff in real life.’ The more realistic these games get, the more likely kids are going to say, ‘Wait a second…real tennis (or real sports, or real activity) would be so much cooler.’ This could all be wishful thinking, but I hope this is what happens with America’s youth. Regular physical activity is the ONLY cure for obesity in America. Diet alone does not get it done. If we can get young people off the computers/game systems and back outside to play, we’ll be on the right track.

You Drive Like a Moron

For those that have said, “Muffin Matters” doesn’t have enough angry rants… This should take care of that for a while. I would like to apologize in advance for the use of profanity. Muffin Matters is generally a family-friendly place to visit, but jr. may have to earmuff it for this one(or blindfold it).
If you were asked to guess the intelligence of Chapel Hill natives based on their driving habits, you would have to conclude that most of them are damn near retarded.
Chapel Hill is not the only place that has bad drivers; bad drivers are everywhere, obviously. It’s just they seem much worse here in the intellectual hot bed that is Chapel Hill. Everybody needs to evaluate the way they drive…yeah, even me and you. It’s seriously out of control. If I hear one more person complain about gas prices and then watch them accelerate at stoplights like a drag racer, I’m going to punch them. I’m going to punch them right in the mouth. Let me tell you something people, accelerating quickly from stoplights and accelerating on the highway like a moron in order to pass a car in 2 seconds drinks gas like crazy. If you’re going to use your gas pedal incorrectly, you forfeit your right to complain about gas prices. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.
Ah, but poor gas pedal efficiency is just the tip of the iceberg. This is the least of a lot of you idiots’ problems. Let’s take the next logical step from acceleration to speed. 99% of you speed most of the time. I’m not talking about 5 over. I’m talking about you dickheads that go 50 mph in 35’s and 90 mph on the highway. Going 90 miles an hour drinks gas faster than John Daily can drink a fifth of Jack Daniel’s. Am I clear to you?
More importantly, driving fast is…dangerous. Yeah, believe it or not, going 90 on a busy interstate might cause some problems. I’m not your mother, and I don’t care if you spin out and end up in a ditch because you’re driving like a moron. I do care if you take out someone else when you’re driving like a dickhead.
And in direct response to what I’ve seen in Chapel Hill…there is a flipping reason that the speed limits are 25 or 35 mph around town. Bus stops line nearly every mile in Chapel Hill; that means there are people all along the narrow sidewalks. There are also tons of crosswalks; going fast in pedestrian-rich environments doesn’t really make much since unless you’re playing Grand Theft Auto. That’s what a lot of you pricks need to do. You need to go out and buy Grand Theft Auto for Playstation and you need to drive up and down the virtual sidewalks hitting things. You need to get it out of your systems.
A lot of you spoiled whores and bastards speed in your BMW’s because you know daddy will pay your way out of a ticket or 5. Get that –ish out of your head. Think like a responsible adult for the first time in your life.
You see, we all tend to think that the reason we are in a hurry is more important than everything else around us and more important than the safety of others and ourselves. How damn stupid is that? If you want to be somewhere on time, leave early enough. I wish I had a sawed-off shotgun in my car that I could use to blow out the tires of bastards on the highway who come out of nowhere, get on my ass, and they make a Robby Gordon-esc move to get around me. The best part is how often this happens when there isn’t much traffic and I’m in the right lane. It is so cool; it makes me so happy. Man I love it when people drive like Forrest Gump in a race car and ride my ass when they could easily go around me 200 meters before encountering my car’s anus. Wherever you’re going, you’ll get there soon enough. I promise. Just relax and repeat like Carl Winslow from Family Matters, “Three, two, one. One, two, three. What the heck is bothering me?” In all seriousness ladies and gents, haven’t we known, seen, and heard of enough people injured in car accidents? Most of these could have been avoided. Chapel Hill has gone through a particularly rough time period the last couple of years. We lost Jason Ray, a friend of mine and countless others, in March when he was hit in New Jersey on the side of a highway. Several pedestrians and bikers (one a former professor) were killed by automobiles. In 2003, Stephen Gates, a former broadcaster for the Tar Heel Sports Network and Burlington Indians was struck on the side of the road while changing a flat tire on the highway. I know more stories and so do you. Enough already.

3,160-Mile Cross Country Tour: Part Three, Wrigley Field

Our party arrived in Chicago on Thursday, August 16. We stayed with Econ. Professor Jake’s sister and fiancé on the south side. Their place was awesome…a three story house with a great view of the city from the porch. In general, the south side was as advertised. Not too awful bad, but not a place I’d want to be alone at night. We all turned in fairly early because Friday was going to be a big day with the Cubbies playing at 1:15. Alex, Jake, Jake’s sister, and her fiancé also had a concert to go to Friday night, so we all needed some rest.

It’s interesting to note at this juncture that I had taken a cold about a day before the trip to Chicago. What terrific timing; I had only waited 22 years, 6 months, and 25 days to go to Wrigley Field. But, all told, the cold wasn’t that bad; it just kept my yelling at a minimum during the game.

We got up on Friday and got a bite to eat. Some of us had a couple of beers and then we went to catch the Red Line (train) to the stadium. The train was full of Cubs fans. They were all cool; no annoying people or jackasses to ruin the trip. When we arrived just outside of the stadium, it finally set in. We were at the most beautiful baseball facility on the planet.

Our tickets were for the bleachers. Let me tell you something about the bleachers. I knew...I KNEW people liked to party in the bleachers. I’d watched Cubs games on TV forever, so I KNEW this. I knew people would be drinking heavily and yelling. But somehow, I still wasn’t ready. If anybody knows how to party, it’s Cubs fans…In fact they might know how to party too well. These were some of the drunkest people I’d ever seen in my life. A friend of mine told me that someone would me for the score of the game around or after the seventh inning. I thought, “no way, they can’t be that flippin’ drunk out there.” Oh yeah they can. Some tool asked me the score, as predicted, in the 7th. I slowly turned around and pointed at the scoreboard…that was directly behind us. It was right behind us. If one were to turn around and look up, they would see the score, right behind them. But, the experience was awesome. Everything I had hoped for. The Cubs won 2-1…Jacque Jones went yard and Rich Hill pitched well.

After the game, the entertainment started. It was mid-afternoon, and people were absolutely trashed. One fella couldn’t make out the screen on his cell phone from 3 feet away. He fell once and leaned against a wall while my brother and I looked on in amusement. He probably woke up in a dumpster.

That was it for Cubbie town. We came back to the place and took it easy for the rest of the night. Chicago is what it is. It was really cool: fantastic dining, awesome sports franchises, it was pretty clean, etc. However like all big cities, not a place I would want to live. But I’ll visit again.

3,160-Mile Cross Country Tour: Part Deux

All photos courtesy of Alex Marten except for the Illinois state sign pic., which I ripped off the web. I am however well studied in copyright law, and if you tried to sue me for using your Illinois state sign pic., you would fail...miserably.

Our party had arrived in Montana on Friday, August 10. We left Glacier National Park in Montana on Tuesday, August 14 and headed to Chicago. At this point, the group had a critical decision to make. Would we travel the scenic route or the US interstate system?
A couple of things led us to our decision: 1. We had enough time to travel at a slower pace, and in a sports-wagon with 175,000 miles, this was the smart thing to do (No offense to Econ Professor Jake; the wagon is glorious, just heavily used like your favorite pair of old sneakers). 2. We admitted to loving the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate System, but it has a critical shortcoming in that it is extremely monotonous. The interstates can make someone insane if forced to travel on them for more than 2 days straight. May God bless tractor-trailer drivers. It seems like a miserable job to me. So the decision was made. We would take Highway 2 all the way to Wisconsin in hopes of discovering the heart of America, or at least some of the sites featured on those fantastic American State quarters! Those things are splendid. I collected them for a while, until I realized it was a hobby meant for retired folks and middle-aged men living in their mother’s basement.

Anyway, we found what were looking for: Large fields of grain, fields of corn (you may know these as cornfields), dairy farms, mills, and millions of sunflowers. The rest of Montana was fantastic. There’s a reason they call it Big Sky Country. Mountain ranges surround you in just about every direction and you could drive for 2 hours and still not reach some of them. North Dakota was similar to Montana with fewer mountains. Fields extended for miles upon miles, and we drove past lots of mill towns and farms. One thing that we didn’t expect was the huge fields of sunflowers that covered a good portion of the countryside. Another odd thing the crew didn’t expect was the anti-meth billboards that ran along the majority of Highway 2. They were graphic and intense, and apparently there’s a big problem with drug abuse in those parts. It’s easy to see why; there isn’t much to do at in rural Montana and rural North Dakota. I guess the beautiful scenery gets old out there, especially in the winter. One thing’s for sure; meth ain’t no joke, and it’s an extremely unstable process. If you mess up making that stuff, you could have a mini Hiroshima on your hands (non-nuclear of course).

Neither Jake, Alex, Brad, nor I were impressed by Minnesota. The traffic pattern slowed down considerably and the countryside was nowhere near as enjoyable. The vegetation was thicker, and there were a lot more trees. We also went through what could only be described as marshy areas on the way to Wisconsin. If you’re from Minnesota, please don’t take offense to this assessment. We did not see much of the state, and I’m sure there are some truly splendid areas of your state. It’s just that the parts we went through were not them. The one place we visited in Minnesota that was awesome was the city of Bemidji. Bemidji is the mythical birth place of Paul Bunyan and also the home of Paul's majestic blue ox, Babe. You can see the fantastic statues at the bottom of this blog.

Wisconsin and Michigan were better. We visited Lake Superior and Lake Michigan. Lake Michigan had a very nice beach area on it in the town of Racine, WI. Delightful little lakeside suburban communities line the drive from Milwaukee to Chicago, IL. These are the kinds of little towns that you see on postcards and the kinds of towns where horror movies take place or originate from.We got to Chicago on Thursday, Aug. 16. The game between the Cubs and Cardinals was scheduled for 1:15 CT the next day. My experience at Wrigley Field during the game and in North Chicago post-game can only be described as shocking… I’ve already wasted enough precious minutes of your life with this blog. Holler back for the 3rd installment.

3,160-Mile Cross Country Tour: Part Uno

This American finally put his money where his mouth is, and toured the country of which he speaks so fondly.

Traveling with Brother Brad and Econ. Extraordinaire Alex, we set out to Montana via plane on August 10th to meet Econ. Professor Jake. We then drove back across America. The road mileage totaled 3,160 when we arrived in Raleigh, NC on August 20th.

America can not be done justice in one blog, so there will be 3-4 installments. First, I'd like to say that I originally thought Wrigley Field in Chicago was going to be the highlight of the trip for me. This proved to be incorrect. Wrigley Field was splendid, but it was trumped by Glacier National park in the northwestern corner of Montana and southern edge of Canada.

I know you've probably heard the saying before, but photos truly can't do this place justice. Even with heavy smoke from intense forest fires, the views were unbelievable. The only thing that comes close to what I saw in Glacier is the 9-foot tall statue of Dale Earnhardt that stands in Kannapolis, North Carolina. But seriously, Glacier was the most amazing place I've ever been. I would post the pictures here, but they are more accessible at Alex Marten's website. Holler at the "3160-mile road trip" photo book.

We saw a black bear, a grizzly bear, a moose, long-horned sheep, and mountain goats all in two days. We saw glaciers...Friggin' glaciers; ice as old Julio Franco. We jumped in a lake formed from glacier runoff. We wrestled 3 grizzly bears and traded their hides for provisions; not really, but you get the idea. We were doing some serious Jeremiah Johnson ish up there.

The group hiked 22 miles in 2 days. The first destination was Grinnell Glacier (12 mile hike all told). A slip on the edge of this trail would = "Goodbye world, hello Glory." We made it though. The second day, we set out for Iceburg Lake (10 mile hike). This one ended with a plunge into 40-45 degree water all for the sake of saying "Hey there pretty lady, my name's Casey. I once jumped in a frigid lake. Let's date."

After Glacier National Park we left for Chicago, Illinois. Left on Tuesday, had to be in Chicago by Friday for the Cubs/Cardinals game. Farewell Big Sky Country.

Exploring Voice Identification: The Budweiser Commercial

A recent Budweiser commercial shows close-ups of beer flowing and close-ups of the bottle and label. The narrator, who has a smooth and masculine voice, explains what makes Budweiser so special: choice hops, etc., etc. When I first saw the commercial a while back, I recognized the voice from somewhere, but I could not quite place it. About a week ago I finally figured it out and I was proud of this accomplishment.

Yesterday, a friend of mine insulted me because it took me so long to figure out that the narrator is George Clooney. This friend shall remain anonymous. It is sufficient to say that he is a big sports fan whose favorite sports moment was the 1989 AFC championship game; his favorite professional athlete is Jose Mesa. This friend said, "You should write a blog about how you were the last person in the continental United States to figure out that George Clooney was the voice in the Budweiser commercial." I'm no linguist, but it seems to me that this friend is challenging my validity as a 100% red-blooded American.

George Clooney certainly deserves some consideration as a true American celebrity, but he is simply a Thespian. Clooney became a "Thespian" when he started making artsy fartsy movies like Solaris which made no sense at all and is a black mark on Clooney's existence. True American celebrities do only what is awesome. Clooney should never receive the credit that, say, John Wayne (R.I.P.), Michael Jordan, Dale Earnhardt (R.I.P), any US President, or Chuck Woolery would receive. It follows, obviously, that someone like Clooney would have a slightly recognizeable voice, but not one that is as distinct as a fingerprint.

Further discrediting my friend's argument is the actual marketing objective of this commercial and commercials like it. When asked why companies are spending big money to hire "celebrity" voices for commercials without an actual appearance, Budweiser's Vice President of Trademark Brands (Dan McHugh) said this: “The objective is for the consumer to sort of know the voice. They may not necessarily place it right away, but when they do, they say, 'Wow'! It's that whole intrigue of discovery.” In other words, the “cool” factor is higher because there's mystery involved." This strategy worked on me; because I'm a true American.

Lastly, another possible explanation for a guy quickly recognizing Clooney's voice is homosexuality. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against gays. I'm just saying that if a dude recognizes Clooney's voice, he might really be attracted to the guy.

Only awesome Americans should be quickly recognized by voice alone. That being said, after one viewing of a recent Lowe's Home Improvement commercial, I knew without a doubt that the man behind the voice was Gene Hackman. Now there's a guy we can all agree is an American Celebrity.

Happy Birthday America

-America celebrated its 231st Independence Day on Wednesday. Most people were busy with fireworks, family get-togethers and cookouts. There is no doubt that some of these cookouts were of gigantic proportions with steaks, burgers, hot dogs, chips, baked beans, coleslaw, and fish-sticks. And the deserts were surely spectacular with enough sugar and trans-fat to make a nutritionist cry. Since most were busy with celebrations, there was no reason to burden anyone with a blog on the 4th. I think it more prudent to look back now and reflect on the greatness that is the United States of America.

About a week ago a nine-year-old girl at a summer camp said to me, "Casey when I look at you, I don't know why, but I think of 'America.' I just think about America." I fought back tears of joy while I said thank you, and hugged this sweet little girl. Maybe my hard work has finally paid off. In an effort to bring awareness about America to Americans over the last 5 or so years I have put together a wardrobe with an unusually high percentage of patriotic items; I have accumulated and shared an excellent collection of John Wayne movies; I have studied up on the history of Dale Earnhardt Sr. and educated others about his awesomeness; I have read Mark Twain novels; and I have become a Coca-Cola Classic fanatic. I also defend America when hippies critique or attack its values and actions. My arguments are heavily opinion-based and offer little factual information. But it's the thought that counts. Any %100 true, red-blooded American would agree with that.



John Wayne, the 3 Car, Twain, and Coke are some of the things that make America special to me, along with state-themed quarters and the Eisenhower Interstate Highway System (thanks again Dwight). There are thousands of other things that might make America special to you like American football, the history of the Salem Witch Trials, or John Mellancamp's song in Chevrolet commercials ("This is our Country"). Whatever it may be that makes America special to you, enjoy it, and may God Bless America and may God bless you. Now let's all go set off some high-powered and colorful explosions and drink alcoholic beverages one more time! We'll do it again next year!

Attention graphic artists: I would love to have your help in later posts: contact me if you're interested. Although the opening photo-illustration captures my idea, it lacks the professional touch, and looks quite horrid.

Bonds an All-Star? Are you serious America?

-Barry Bonds hit a career high 49 homeruns at the age of 37. The very next year he hit another career high, 73 homeruns, at the age of 38. It's not that unusual for someone past their prime to have a career high in homeruns (Hank Aaron had a career high 47 bombs at the age of 37). But to best a career high by 24 bombs like Bonds did in 2001, at the age of 38, is absolutely ridiculous. You are an idiot if you think Bonds hit all of his homeruns without the help of steroids or human-growth-hormone (HGH).

What gets me is the fact that Bonds would have been a Hall-of-Famer without the single-season and career homerun records. 30 HR's and 30 SB's multiple seasons. 40 HR's and 40 SB's in 1996. He was well on his way to Cooperstown without performance-enhancers. And then all of a sudden, in 1999, Bonds forgot how to steal bases and he bulked up tremendously....Get out of here; Bonds is one of the most obvious 'roiders in history behind Brady Anderson, Jason Giambi, and Brett Boone.

Could someone please just get me the facts about Bonds hat-size from 1986 until now? His head is huge! Of course the s.o.b. is on 'roids or HGH. During the 2007 All-Star selection show I wanted to hit Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. in the face when they tip-toed around the Bonds situation. They both said he belonged in the All-Star game, but both were visibly agitated at the situation. Why didn't they just speak their minds? I'll do it for them. This is what Ripken really wanted to say: "Bonds is one of the most obvious cheaters in baseball history. With the help of steroids, I could have hit 600 bombs to go along with my consecutive games record. Tony Gwynn could have hit 250 career bombs to along with his career batting average of .338. Barry Bonds should jump in his car and drive off of the Golden Gate Bridge."

And last but not least, let's not forget that Bonds' first wife accused him of beating her and their son. How much more obvious could Bonds' steroid abuse be?

So Bonds is a 2007 All-Star? Great job America.

Remembering Earnhardt: Why he was special, and why I hated him when he was alive

-The documentary "Dale," narrated by Paul Newman, was released in early 2007. The movie explored the life of Earnhardt on and off the track, and it helped to explain why Earnhardt achieved legendary status. 7 Winston Cup Championships, 76 Cup wins, Daytona 500 winner, etc., etc., etc...All that's nice, but just look at the guy. He rules.



His mustache could suffocate someone. He did opponents a favor by wearing sunglasses: his eyes would otherwise cause people to go up in flames. Lastly, he dropped out of high school to race...awesome. I know one thing, Earnhardt got straight A's in "Domination."



Earnhardt truly lived the American Dream. The product of a poor mill-town; he was relentless on the track and did whatever it took to win.



It's the win-at-all-cost mentality that led me to hate him a couple of years ago. But even his best friends would tell you that he was a prick on the track. Earnhardt was just doing what he had to do to be a champion. By being a champion, Earnhardt succeeded in avoiding the fate of other mill town casualties who lived below the poverty line in Kannapolis, North Carolina.



We can all take comfort in the fact that Dale is racing that 3 car with the angels now...and he is probably winning, because Earnhardt doesn't lose to anybody.

Farewell Bob Barker

THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS NOT SATIRICAL - Bob Barker is truly awesome...

-19 time Emmy-winner, Bob Barker, called it quits after nearly 35 years on "The Price is Right." Simple yet sophisticated; kind yet unyielding; old yet agile. I will miss seeing Barker on television, and I hope he doesn't die anytime soon. He's like an angel: so amazing that you feel as if you shouldn't be allowed to stare directly at him. He brings joy and laughter, but if you wait too long to place your bet on the item "up for bid", he will kill you. It's when Barker helped those feeble old ladies spin the wheel during the "Showcase Showdown," that one could really see his kind heart and caring spirit.

I remember watching Barker every summer when school was out from about 1st grade to 6th grade. I would put off all board games and outdoor activities to watch "The Price is Right," and see Barker at his best. "The Price is Right" was also my favorite time to enjoy tasty snacks like Fudge Rounds, doughnuts, Tootsie Rolls, cake, Star Crunches, pie, and ice cream. I lost all desire to play outside or be socially useful because Barker was so awesome on the "Price is Right." And then after the show, I was right in front of the TV and video game system, so I just went straight from "The Price is Right" to Playstation! Subsequently, I became chubby and worthless. I was about 4'8" when I was in 6th grade and I weighed the same then as I do now at 22 years of age. I also had braces and a sweet comb-over to boot. It was only the verbal thrashing I received from my mother about my weight on one fateful day that kept me from continuing those worthless fat-ass ways.

Bob Barker nearly ruined my life. He almost made me fatter than Jennifer Lopez' tooter. I suppose I'm not that upset that he's gone. America's youth can finally live without the fear of Barker's spell. No, no, that's not true. I don't care that much about America's youth. I guess Bob Barker really is awesome. I don't know...I'll keep you posted.