Farewell Bob Barker

THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS NOT SATIRICAL - Bob Barker is truly awesome...

-19 time Emmy-winner, Bob Barker, called it quits after nearly 35 years on "The Price is Right." Simple yet sophisticated; kind yet unyielding; old yet agile. I will miss seeing Barker on television, and I hope he doesn't die anytime soon. He's like an angel: so amazing that you feel as if you shouldn't be allowed to stare directly at him. He brings joy and laughter, but if you wait too long to place your bet on the item "up for bid", he will kill you. It's when Barker helped those feeble old ladies spin the wheel during the "Showcase Showdown," that one could really see his kind heart and caring spirit.

I remember watching Barker every summer when school was out from about 1st grade to 6th grade. I would put off all board games and outdoor activities to watch "The Price is Right," and see Barker at his best. "The Price is Right" was also my favorite time to enjoy tasty snacks like Fudge Rounds, doughnuts, Tootsie Rolls, cake, Star Crunches, pie, and ice cream. I lost all desire to play outside or be socially useful because Barker was so awesome on the "Price is Right." And then after the show, I was right in front of the TV and video game system, so I just went straight from "The Price is Right" to Playstation! Subsequently, I became chubby and worthless. I was about 4'8" when I was in 6th grade and I weighed the same then as I do now at 22 years of age. I also had braces and a sweet comb-over to boot. It was only the verbal thrashing I received from my mother about my weight on one fateful day that kept me from continuing those worthless fat-ass ways.

Bob Barker nearly ruined my life. He almost made me fatter than Jennifer Lopez' tooter. I suppose I'm not that upset that he's gone. America's youth can finally live without the fear of Barker's spell. No, no, that's not true. I don't care that much about America's youth. I guess Bob Barker really is awesome. I don't know...I'll keep you posted.