The Top 5 American Animals

-It’s time for an Americana Monday’s curveball. Today we’re counting down the top 5 American animals. Count downs always spark intense debate because something always gets left out, and people always question the order. So let’s do it. Let’s party with the top 5 animals in America!

5

-Kicking off our top-5 is the sometimes pesky but always awesome Great American Rodent: The Squirrel. North Carolina natives are especially familiar with the squirrel, and anyone who has stepped foot on the campus of UNC has gotten their share of squirrel interaction. There are several different squirrel species in America, but those that live in the southeast are most familiar with the Eastern Gray Squirrel. Squirrels are very clever and can be trained and hand fed. Perhaps America’s most famous squirrel is "Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel." You can tell by Twiggy’s actions that he has no idea what’s going on, but it makes for great video. He should really consider wearing a life jacket. Although squirrels can be trained like Twiggy, you must be careful because they reportedly do a very poor job of distinguishing between food and finger tips. Many homeowners hate squirrels because they will chew holes in anything and everything. Case in point: My grandfather once had a problem with squirrels getting into his chimney and chewing holes in various places around his house. What did he do about it? He sat on his porch with a shotgun…and waited. He got a few, but most survived the event. Please don’t call PETA.

4

-Coming in at number 4 is the American Badger. Don’t be fooled by badger’s innocent looks…they can mess you up. They are lean, mean, killing machines. The American Badger is a North American cousin of one of the most ferocious mammals on the planet: the Honey Badger. I would tell you more about Honey Badgers, but I don’t want to be responsible for giving you nightmares…

-The American Badger is ferocious enough. It is an omnivore that diets mostly on ground squirrels, prairie dogs and moles. You don’t want a badger partying in your garden either; they eat peas, green beans, corn, and mushrooms but they do not live in the South, so you should be alright.

-The American Badger makes the list mostly because of its fighting spirit. Like the Americans in the Revolutionary War, the badger often seems overmatched but refuses to lose. Badgers will fight much larger animals including coyotes, wolves and bears. They will protect their young and their dignity at all costs. When fighting larger mammals that are male, badgers will attack a particularly sensitive area…Man Land. Catch my drift? Badgers attack the family jewels. They don’t fight fair; they fight to win.

3

-At number 3 is another animal that is best admired from afar: the Grizzly Bear. Grizzly bears are mostly found in Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Washington. They are omnivores and contrary to popular belief, they most often scavenge instead of killing their meals. I have seen two grizzly bears in person while in Glacier National Park in Montana. One was about a quarter of a mile away, and the other was less than 250 yards away! That’s as close as you’d ever want to get. They don’t look for trouble, but if they find it, they’ll take care of business. They are perfectly content eating berries, wildflowers, and fish, but they will eat humans if food is hard to come by or if a human threatens one of their cubs.

-One of the most amazing documentaries you will ever see is Grizzly Man. It’s about an idiot named Timothy Treadwell who spent over a decade in the wild in Alaska living with Grizzlies. As you can imagine, this didn’t end well for Treadwell, but he captured some AMAZING video before be became a grizzly’s dinner.

-When hiking in areas populated with grizzly bears, you should actually make lots of noise to avoid scaring a grizzly and putting them into protection mode. More often than not, they will not look for confrontations and they are actually scared of humans. If you ever have a close encounter with a grizzly bear, do not look them directly in the eyes (this only ticks them off). Do not run (they can run nearly 30 milers per hour, and they will catch you). Do not climb a tree unless it’s too small for the grizzly to climb (they can climb too). “They” say the best thing to do is to lie prone with your face to the ground and your legs spread…good luck with that. Hopefully the bear will be disgusted by the smell of the poop and pee that is sure to escape your insides in the event of an attack.

2

-You can’t have a Top 5 American Animals countdown without including the Bald Eagle (well you could, but you’d be a communist). The bald eagle became the national emblem of the United States in 1782. Female bald eagles are large and in charge growing bigger than the males. Females can weigh up to 15 pounds, and they have a wing span of up to 8 feet. A bald eagle can live up to 60 years. It’s such a shame that so few of them make it to retirement.

- Bald eagles once faced extinction forcing Congress to pass the Bald Eagle Protection Act which basically makes it illegal to look at an eagle the wrong way. Thanks to the act and several breeding programs, the eagle is back on the comeback trail. The Bald Eagle will feed on just about anything but it prefers fish. Usually it lives on a steady diet of trout, salmon, muskrats, and hippies.

1

-At number one is an animal that has all the qualities of the other 4 and more! At number one is the man, the myth, the legend, Tyler Hansbrough. What’s more American than being an All-AMERICAN in his first 3 seasons? What’s more American than being the 2007-2008 AMERICAN College Basketball Player of the Year according to multiple sources? Some may say that Tyler is a human, and he can’t qualify as an animal...To that I say, have you seen him play? Let’s consider some of the adjectives that describe Hansbrough’s performance on the court: clever, quick, high-flying, rabid, squirrelly, psychotic, alpha male-dominate, and wild. Sounds like an animal to me. You can question any other part of this countdown, but you can’t question #1; Hansbrough is the most awesome American animal. Period. You’re welcome.

Honorable Mention:
-The honorable mention list could go on and on, but here are a few that definitely make the cut:
-The sasquatch (AKA yeti, Bigfoot, and abominable snowman): The sasquatch was left out of the top 5 simply because we could neither confirm nor deny its existence. As you know, we here at Carolina Water Cooler take pride in our credibility and accuracy, so the yeti was forced to the honorable mention list.
-Cows and Horses: Lots of us love horses and bovines but there lack of wildness prevents them from making the top 5. They’re just a little to domesticated to party with the likes of say, the badger.
-Dogs and Cats: Same deal here. We all love doggies and/or kitties, but this really goes without saying doesn’t it? Let some other animals have some of the spotlight for a change!
-Cougars, wildcats, and the lynx: Of all the honorable mentions, these three wild felines were the closest to making the cut. You may not always see a cougar, but let me tell you something, it always sees you…and when it sees you, it’s too late. I am actually concerned that word of this column will get out into the American Animal Kingdom sparking a cougar and wildcat uprising. This would be bad; very very bad. Unlike other animals, cougars and wildcats don’t attack; they assassinate.

Others receiving votes:
-The armadillo, the beaver, the dolphin, the ram, the mountain goat, the moose, the polar bear (Alaska), the hamster, the guinea pig, the gator, the black bear, the cardinal, the wolf, the black-footed ferret, the American bison, the eastern box turtle, the pelican, the mallard duck, the baby pig