-Around the World in 80 Words- (12-29-09)

--Football player gets concussion. Coach questions said player's toughness. Coach locks player in dark closet. Coach suspended. Typical.

--Would-be Christmas terrorist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, attempted to bring down a plane with an explosive 'bulge'. A Pakistani journalist warned us of 'Suicide Underwear' in 2008.

--An 86-year-old Indian governor resigned after a tape showed him getting busy with 3 young women. Headline of the week from The Times of India: 'After sex sting, AP governor Tiwari ejects prematurely.'

Merry Christmas from the Muffin!

I do not enjoy being serious. It's typically not my style. But when Christmas comes, it seems right to express how blessed I am on a fine public forum like Al Gore's internet. For this one time and one time only, I must put down my guard when it comes to the content of this website. It is the policy of this site to avoid comment on 1. Politics, 2. Religion, and 3. the inner workings of the female brain. Later on, policy #2 is going to be breached...big time. Disciples of Darwin and Dawkins, consider yourself notified.

Sometimes my tongue and cheek approach to the greatness that is America may seem a bit ambiguous, but I want to make it clear how glad I am to be living in the United States of America. Thank God we can worship who/what we want, when we want. Thank God we can wish friends and family a "Merry Christmas" without being persecuted. I know the ever-increasing political correctness of the nation may seem like a terrible thing to some, but let's get real: Generally speaking, if you want to wish someone a "Merry Christmas" instead of saying "Happy Holidays," you can do it. If you want to wish someone a "Happy Hanukkah" or "Happy Chinese New Year," you can do it. And, even though your religious greetings may occasionally start a heated discussion in this country, they will not land you in prison. Thank God.

This Christmas, many of us are still adjusting to this new American economy. My current apartment, which 2 years ago I wouldn't have considered fit to live in, has become a quaint blessing. I no longer have cable. I unplug every electrical device in my place when I leave for the day. The heat is hardly ever turned on. As it turns it out, I can be just as warm if I just wear sweat pants and a sweat shirt while lounging around as I could be running the heat 24/7 and lounging in my birthday suit. I can't eat out much any more, but I haven't gone hungry one day in my life. Thank God.

I hope all of you are fortunate enough to have a great family like mine. To say that my family loves me would be a gross understatement. My mother and father are blessed people that have done absolutely everything humanly imaginable to make sure that I am safe, healthy,and happy. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are amazing people with terrific stories, ideas, and backgrounds that have shaped and influenced me. My brother is my best friend. My good friends, new and old, are people that I can trust my life to, and I hope they know I care for them just as deeply. Whether I am having a good day or a bad day, I know I am being loved at all times. Thank God.

Sometimes, I try to put everything in perspective and understand why things are the way they are...i.e. Why are things so good for me, but so bad for thousands across this country and even worse for millions around the world? I fall short of understanding these things every time I go down that mental road. As a Christian, I have complete and total faith in the Christmas story and every other story in the Bible. But, I still don't know or understand why things are the way the are. Non-Christians take issue with belief like mine in a world like ours, and believe it or not, I understand their point of view. It makes no sense. What pains me the most is seeing some Christians condemn others for their lifestyles, political affiliations, sexual orientations, race, class, and religious preferences. No wonder some people discount Christianity and other religions for that matter.

Again, I don't understand it all, but I will advance this passage from Luke in the New Testament which is similar to the dilemmas I just explained. It's from chapter 2. Jesus was a young boy:

42When he was 12 years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom. 43 After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. 44 Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. 45 When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. 46 After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. 47 Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48 When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." 49 "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" 50 But THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND what he was saying to them.

The parallel I saw was that these two parents: Mary, heavily favored by God, and Joseph, a descendant of David also heavily favored by God...didn't understand what Jesus was up too. Similarly, I believe in Him, but I don't understand. Some question that sort of belief; others think it's stupid. That's fine. They clearly have good reasons for doing so. Not to mention, Christians are often considered hypocrites due to way they live. This is especially common around Christmas when "Christians come out of the woodwork." There's a reason they come out of the woodwork. Christmas is pretty special; it gets to people. As for the argument non-Christians have that Christians are hypocrites: Good argument. Again, I don't know why things are the way they are. What I can tell you is that if Christmas never happened, and Jesus never came to Earth, there would be only three folks allowed in heaven: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit (and maybe Santa). Either way, thanks to Christmas and Easter, they got plenty of room for hypocrites up there. Thank God.

Merry Christmas everybody!

- Around the World in 80 Words - (12-17-09)

--The Brits may have “dodgy” hand gestures like this guy, but they did figure out the genetic code of cancer. "Delightful."

--“Back in my day, it snowed all the time here in the hills of North Carolina.” Those days are back.

--Any proponents of acupuncture out there? I considered it until I stumbled upon this.

--Chinese man, Lo Wung taught his monkeys how to practice martial arts. The monkeys taught him how to beg for mercy.

-- ...Go Heels. Roll Tide.

The Dog that Ought to be Dead

“That dog couldn’t make water for weeks. He ought to be dead.”

Most often, America is personified by…well, persons. Sometimes, though, an animal can chisel its legacy into the ever-expanding tablet of Americana that we honor here on Muffin Matters.

Today we honor a dog that has beaten all odds in order to simply still be standing. His name is Jake. Jake is a powerful American name. Consider ‘Jake the Snake’ for instance: A spectacular professional wrestler of old who enjoyed large pythons and trashy mustaches. How about ‘Big Jake’? One of John Wayne’s finest films shot in the twilight of his career. A career for Wayne, by the way, that ended far too soon. There’s Jake Owen who sings of the South’s best time-honored traditions in his country songs, and there’s Jake Delhomme who is known for his many, many interceptions on the NFL’s biggest stages.

The Jake we honor today though, is no ‘roided combatant of the steel cage nor is he a cue card-aided creation of the silver screen. He isn’t a legend beneath the neon moon of the Honky Tonk nor an inept handler of the pigskin on Carolina’s gridiron. No, this Jake is something else. He is a real American like us. He grew up in the fields of a sleepy North Carolina town called Kings Mountain. He was one of 5-20 children (the records are unclear). He never knew his father. He was taken from his mother soon after birth. One by one he watched his brothers and sisters as they were snatched in the night…and sometimes during the day. People called him a bastard. The same people told him that his long lost mother was a bitch. The odds were against Jake from the start, but he never got down and he kept plugging along. Family after family passed Jake by leaving him to fend for himself until one fateful day. That’s the day a kind man named Jimmy on Goforth Road agreed to take Jake in.

Jake’s life started to turn around. Jimmy had a barn and lots of new animal friends for Jake. Jake met Maggie the yellow lab, Cody the sheep dog, Ben the large angry billy goat, several nice horses, and countless bovines that were pleased to meet him. Jake was happier than he had ever been. He had a dogloo roof over his head and food on the ground every night. Things could only go downhill for Jake at that point, and that’s just what they did.

First, Jake’s new family noticed that his eyes were becoming cloudy, and his vision was leaving him quickly. Most likely a victim of cataracts, Jake soon became blind and was forced to travel by sense of smell, sound, and sudden impact.

It was perhaps Jake’s lack of sight that led him into a near fatal accident. To this day the details are unclear, and Jake refuses to talk of the incident. Family members believe one of two things happened to the brave dog. His owner Jimmy speculated:

“He was either sniffing around those horses out there and got kicked or he found that road out there and got hit by a car. Either way, it was bad…”

Jake’s private area (man land) and one of his legs became terribly swollen. An essential function could not be performed. “That dog couldn’t make water for weeks. He ought to be dead. We thought for sure he’d die,” said Jimmy.

To Jimmy and everyone else's surprise and delight, Jake did not die. No, Jake did what he has done his whole life: he took a lick and kept on ticking. The pain he had to be in isn’t even fathomable. The adversity he faced just to be standing and walking today is incredible. Now, the only sign of Jake’s accident is the slightest of hitches in his gitty-up. And, since he’s blind, he really doesn’t gitty-up too fast these days anyway for risk of certain head trauma.

The fact that Jake is alive is amazing in itself. But what’s most impressive is that he has got to be one of the most content dogs I’ve ever been around. He’ll sniff his way over the river and through the woods to grandma’s house just to wag his tail and say hello to the rest of Jimmy’s family when they visit for holidays. That’s how I know Jake. Jimmy is my uncle and my grandmother and grandfather live right through the woods where Jake slowly makes his way every time we visit. He can’t see; he’s probably still in pain from his near-deadly accident; and he constantly bumps into animate and inanimate objects whenever he dares to commute. And yet, here he is, happy and proud as can be. When he’s sitting there with his nose in the air towards the wind (because he sure as hell can’t see what’s coming), he truly looks stoic and all-knowing. He should be an inspiration to us all. Maybe you are fortunate to know someone or some animal like Jake who has faced and knocked the heck out of adversity. That’s truly emblematic of the American spirit.

Long live Jake, and when he doesn’t live anymore, they’ll all say, “he shouldn’t have made it this long to being with.” Quite a compliment if you ask me.

-Special thanks to Tony T-Bone Sturgill for the pictures.

Green, Yellow, Roll Tide

After arriving in Tuscaloosa on August 10th, it took me approximately 48 hours to realize that something was different around this town. It was quickly apparent that driving to and fro required more attention and diligence than in my previous cities of residence. First of all, the roads here are not as well maintained as they are in North Carolina. For that matter, I don’t think any other state in the south has roads as well kept as those in NC. For God’s sake, North Carolinians pay an arm and a leg on gas tax at the pumps, so they better get something in return. The roads though, aren’t the main problem down here in ‘Bama. Nope, the main problem is a cultural phenomenon that I have yet to get to the bottom of.

I’m talking about the alarming frequency at which these psychopaths run red lights. The first full day I was down here, I noticed one or two cars running red lights at major intersections. I thought to myself, “look as this guy; what an idiot.” Now, running red lights is by no means a rare occasion anywhere. But, everywhere else I’ve been, it has been uncommon enough to elicit a response from drivers and passengers each time it happens. Well, down here, running red lights doesn’t draw a response…it’s freakishly normal. I thought I was going crazy until the 3rd week of the semester when my sport law professor went off on a tangent about drivers in Tuscaloosa. He said, “This is one of the worst places I’ve ever seen when it comes to daggum idiots running red lights.” I can’t express how relieved I was to hear someone else mention this; I wasn’t going crazy. Since the professor threw it out there, I started asking several people about it, and they agreed with my assessment. However, some of them said they really hadn’t given it much though until I brought it up. Apparently it’s such a way of life down here that’s it goes unnoticed.

Now that I know how things go around town, I know to give it a couple of seconds before I hit the accelerator coming off a green light. It’s comical really. When my brother came to visit, I told him about the red light running, and I’m not sure if he believed me at first. But sure enough, the first time we got caught at a light, I told him to wait and watch. Sure enough, 2 cars flew under a red light right on cue.

I have seen police at these same intersections when a car runs a red light…and they do nothing. So why is this? I have a couple of theories. 1. There are a crap-ton of stoplights in Tuscaloosa, and it seems possible that people just get fed up and say, “kiss my ass, I’m not stopping.” 2. A terrible rash of red-green color blindness in the region…along with up/down dyslexia. 3. They see “red” and think crimson causing them to undergo a sudden rush and push their pedal to the metal while yelling “Rolllllllllllll Tide!”

Either way, what's really important here is that everyone in Tuscaloosa was probably awful at the kids' game "red light-green light." Tragic.

Top 10 American Songs: 5-1

Before moving on to the top-5, a couple of things. Be sure to click the song title if you want to see the music video for each one. Next, it's time that all the honorable mentions be acknowledged. So, here’s the list of those that just missed: “Fireflies” (Owl City), “Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison),“Happy Birthday to You” (Preston Ware Orem), “Papa was a Rolling Stone” (The Temptations), “Can’t Touch This” (MC Hammer), “He Stopped Loving Her Today” (George Jones), “Folsom Prison Blues” (Johnny Cash), “What’s Going On” (Marvin Gaye), “Respect” (Aretha Franklin), “Like a Rolling Stone” (Bob Dylan), “Bridge over Troubled Water” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Hotel California” (The Eagles), “Superstition” (Stevie Wonder), “Great Balls of Fire” (Jerry Lee Lewis), “Mrs. Robinson” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Lose Yourself” (Eminem), “Proud to be an American” (Lee Greenwood…best performed by William Speight and Casey Sturgill at the Thorpe/Burleson wedding).

Now on to those that really matter.
5. “Ring of Fire”-Johnny Cash (1963)

No music countdown would be complete without “The Man in Black.” Cash was known for his hard country sound that some classified as “Rockabilly.” What exactly is “rockabilly”? We don’t have the time to digress, and I really don’t know anyway.

“Ring of Fire” was co-written by Cash and his last wife, June Carter Cash. The two filled up newscasts in 2003 when June died in May (no pun) of that year. Not to be outdone, Johnny kicked the bucket just four months later in September. Naturally all the adoring fans insisted June was getting lonely up in heaven, and Johnny was getting lonely down on Earth…Problem solved.

Bottom line; this is the 5th of the first 6 songs in the countdown to have a deceased singer. When you die, you fly in American pop culture, baby.

Johnny said he got the idea for the mariachi-style horns “in a dream with a Mexican theme.” Love Cash to death, but I’m guessing this dream occurred before he dropped the booze and cocaine. Turned out great, though! The song has been covered and majorly released by over 50 artists, making it one of the most industry-popular songs on the list.

4. “Ain’t too Proud to Beg”-The Temptations (1966)

Songs from Motown could have filled this list, but I tried to pick one of the finest. This is one you all should have heard, even if you’re from my generation. Movies and TV shows use the tune quite often, and it gets played on Oldies radio stations religiously. In fact, it is CURRENTLY one of the most requested songs on oldies stations today. The most requested song on oldies radio, in case you were wondering, is “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” by Elliot Lurie and Looking Glass. The source of my information you may ask; the syndicated “True Oldies Channel.”

“Ain’t too Proud to Beg” was the product of several Motown all-stars including Smokey Robinson, Norman Whitfield, and of course The Temptations. The producers, songwriters, and artists would often meet in their “Hitsville, USA” offices to go over songs and perfect their latest works. The fact that they were involved with an organization called “Hitsville, USA” pushed the Temptations way up this list. The song peaked at 13 on the overall Billboard chart and remained number 1 on the R&B chart for eight weeks in ‘66.

And in case you’re wondering about the death tally, many of the Temptations have come and gone on this great, green earth. Of the 17 members that have been a part of The Temptations at some time or another, eight are dead. Of the original five who were responsible for “Ain’t too Proud to Beg,” four have checked out including David Ruffin, Melvin Franklin, Paul Williams, and Eddie Kendricks. Otis Williams stands alone; for now.

3. “Sweet Home Alabama”-Lynyrd Skynyrd (1974)

Did you think I would go through this countdown without paying homage to my current state of residence? Wasn’t gonna happen. Even without my current address being considered, “Sweet Home Alabama” should make the top-ten. Debatable? Maybe for you. It’s my number three.

This song is synonymous with outdoor sporting events as well as any outdoor event where people like to party. For a song that is seemingly void of much meaning, there’s a lot behind it.

Like Johnny Cash’s epiphany, the rift for the song came to bassist Ed King in a dream. I’ve never once had a dream with awesome rifts playing in my head. I’ve also never had a dream that propelled me to national fame. I guess some people have it, and some people don’t. Or maybe, it’s just some people use heavy drugs and some people don’t. I don’t know.

Moving on. In the studio version that most of you have probably heard, you hear the song open with lead singer Ronnie Van Zant saying, “Turn it up.” Interestingly enough, this was just a recording mistake that they decided to keep in because it fit. Van Zant was simply telling the producer to bump up his headphones during the recording. So far, this song has been carried by a dream and a recording mistake. Makes me think I’m in the wrong business.

The meat of the song is much more thought out. Neil Young wrote and sang the song “Southern Man” which took on many problems in the South, most notably slavery and the debt that Young believed African Americans were owed. Skynyrd lead singer, Van Zant wrote “Sweet Home Alabama” as a response to Young’s overwhelmingly negative take on the South. It’s important to note that Van Zant wasn’t supporting slavery or past abuse with the song. As he put it, “We thought Neil was shooting all the ducks in order to kill one or two.” This is absolutely the most historically interesting song on the countdown in my opinion. The debate that Van Zant and Neil Young were having wasn’t too drastically different than the much more polished musings of W.J. Cash who wrote “The Mind of the South,” and the Southern Agrarians who wrote many manuscripts supporting the ideals of the American South (but not slavery). W.J. Cash ran down the south much like Young did. The Agrarians admitted a gross error in judgment on the issue of slavery, but insisted the other ways of the South were worth preserving and would lead to better lives.

Neil Young, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and “Sweet Home Alabama”; they’re as far as you need to go when trying to understand the complex history of the South. Who knew?

2. “Fortunate Son” – Creedence Clearwater Revival (Summer of ’69)

Another great song with American historic relevance. John Fogerty, lead singer and writer, explained in several interviews that he saw Richard Nixon’s daughter hanging out with Dwight Eisenhower’s son at a fancy function. Fogerty was disgusted because neither were going to be adversely affected (if at all) by the Vietnam War. Fogerty was against the war in Vietnam and more recently became outspoken against the war in Iraq.

I’ve heard many folks say that CCR’s hit is not patriotic. I disagree completely. I believe the more correct assessment would be that it is not a ringing government endorsement. But, I think it absolutely qualifies as patriotic, because Fogerty was speaking to an injustice that he thought to be great at the time. He didn’t think it fair for the poor folks to be getting drafted to fight while the “fortunate sons” sat at home playing Tidily Winks.

Rolling stone ranked the song as their 99th best of all time. Similar to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” Fogerty’s “Fortunate Son” has been covered and sampled by many different artists in different genres ranging from .38 Special to Wyclef Jean. Popular culture has taken to the song as well. Wrangler pumped the jam in a line of commercials aimed at promoting a new style of jeans. Wrangler smartly avoided the controversial lyrics. The song was also featured in Forest Gump and Live Free or Die Hard. Hard to find another song on the list that is more qualified to make the top ten.

1. “Fire and rain”-James Taylor (1970)

What an amazing song. Taking a look back through the list, I believe this song has the most powerful lyrics of any other listed. Most, if not all of us, can relate to this song in one way or another. A common theme is advanced urging the listener to take no day, no one, no thing for granted. Many, MANY writers have taken this song head on to dissect it and delve into its deepest meanings. That’s what sets “Fire and Rain” apart. It’s fantastic on many different levels. Great to listen to, good lyrics, and meaningful. Not to mention CAROLINA’S own James Taylor is responsible! Speaking of which; Town of Chapel Hill, please listen to me. Find a better bridge to name after this man than the one on S. Columbia that crosses over 15-501. In fact, find something better altogether to name after this man.

Back to the song. First of all, Rolling Stone had no clue about what they were doing when they ranked it way down at 227 out of 500 of the greatest songs of all time. Clearly belongs much higher. Admittedly, just my opinion, and Rolling Stone, I’ve heard, is a bit of an authority in such matters. Oh well.

What exactly is it about? Who was it written for? Theories abound, and Taylor himself has given mixed answers on the subject, but it seems clear that the friend he expected to see again was Suzanne Schnerr who died in a plane crash. In an NPR interview, Taylor also said that it was partly about his struggle to get over drugs and alcohol. Lastly, the song was an attempt in part for Taylor to try and deal with his own fame which wasn’t always pleasant and enjoyable.

You can find the tune on the album Sweet Baby James. Awesome to end with a fantastic Carolina alum who grew up right in Carrboro. For some ungodly reason, he now resides in the northeast, but I won’t hold it against him. Nobody’s perfect.

Thanks for reading and to borrow from the psycho, Lout Holts, I would like to tell you this. If you like Americana with the Muffin, drive with your headlights on during the day to show your support. If you don’t like American with the Muffin, drive with your headlights off at night.

C-Ya later alligators!

Top 10 American Songs: 10-6

--It’s time for a friggin’ countdown! The first countdown we ever had on MM was the top-5 American Animals. That was tons of fun, so why not try another? Today we’re going to discuss something that’s much more likely to create debate and elicit opinions. I’m going to give you what I believe are the top-5 AMERICAN songs of all time.
--Here’s a quick list of artists you won’t find in this post: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Def Leopard, Genesis or Phil Collins.
--Our heavy-hitting headbangers will be pissed because Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, The Scorpions, Lordi, and The Ting-Tings are all disqualified.
I regret to inform you that the man, the myth, the legend, Rockin’ Rod Stewart is ineligible along with U2, Elton John, Coldplay and The Who.
--I rejoice to tell you that there’s no chance of ABBA, David Bowie, The Eurythmics, or Madonna making the list, either. “Madonna is American,” you may retort. True, but her music sucks. And as far as I’m concerned she’s a Frenchy, Canadian, or North Korean in disguise.
--For a second, that list may make you wonder if America actually has any good music for itself. Well don’t worry patriots. America’s got plenty. Of course.
To the countdown!

10. “Paradise City”-Guns N’ Roses (1988)

--“Paradise City.” Yes. Party time. We all like to party, or at least we should. This song was made for partying. When people use the term “party like a rock star” I immediately think of Axl Rose and Guns N’ Roses. Rose, the primary writer of the song’s lyrics was unclear about the place referred to as “Paradise City.” Was it Los Angeles? Panama City? Fayetteville, North Carolina? We’re really not sure. We are sure that partying is American and therefore, so is this song. Top-Ten American? Yeah, I think so.

9. “Don’t Stop Believing”-Journey (1981)

--The title itself reflects an absolutely American theme. To achieve the American dream, you’ve got to do what? You gotta keep believing, baby. We’ve all be in situations where this song was especially pertinent; that’s why it was a no doubter on the list.
--Anthem. That’s the best way to describe this song. Sports, business, love life, The Sopranos; this song is has been a theme song for them all. It’s especially awesome for me because it was the undisputed anthem of the UNC Club Baseball team that finally made the lyrics come to fruition with a 2007 national championship…Somewhere Michael Schuit and Brad Shinn are smiling.
--Parties, bars, weddings, graduations, you name it. This song fits them all. And everybody loves shouting the words at the top of their lungs to a greater extent than any other song I know.

8. “Changes”-Tupac (1998)

--Have you noticed that being dead certainly doesn’t hurt an artist’s chances of getting some recognition?
--Tupac Shakur talked about change way before Barak Obama did, but Shakur never saw a black man become president, as mentioned in the lyrics of this song. Really an incredible song that helped Shakur’s public image after his death. Shakur died in ’96 but this song didn’t get released until ’98 after lots of remixing and shuffling of verses. The song uses heavy samples from Bruce Hornsby’s ‘The Way It Is,’ but Shakur’s rapping is clearly the focal point. Powerful lyrics from a self-proclaimed “thug” trying to get by. To date, this is the only posthumously released song to be nominated for a Grammy in the “Best Rap Solo Performance” category-it lost to Eminem’s ‘My Name Is’.
--Racism, drugs, police brutality; this song has them all, and unfortunately they’re all a part of America.

7. “Smells Like Teen Spirit”-Nirvana (1991)

--The dead are piling up quick on this list. Quite a celebrity skeleton slumber party we’ve got going on here.
--Anyway, Simple four-chord riff, no earth-shattering lyrics, in fact no understandable lyrics, and not perceived by the band to be a hit. Some things just happen.
--Many reviews say it was representative of the new teen culture that was emerging in the early 90s. If you remember, that was the time of the so-called ‘Generation-X.’ I still resent that name. Anyway, this was a big part of a cultural shift in my opinion. Teens started to feel empowered for better or for worse (for worse in my opinion), and they’ve never looked back.
--Further adding to the song’s significance, it was considered by some to be one of the first songs of the genre entitled “alternative rock” (Rolling Stone). Rolling stone, in fact, named it the 9th greatest song of all time (the highest Rolling Stone rank of any song in the MM Top-Ten American Countdown).

6. “In the Ghetto”-Elvis Presley (1969) Note: The music video I have selected in no way represents the meaning of the song. Instead, it honors the great and mighty honey badger which is another blog altogether. Enjoy.

--Some of you will probably be offended that Elvis has only 1 song in the top ten. You could easily argue that he deserves more than 1 song on the list. One could also argue that if just one of Elvis’ songs were going to make the list, this shouldn’t be it. Well, counting down the greatest American songs isn’t easy, so back off.
--Elvis was and is an American icon. This song is about as relevant to the history and culture of America as any other you’ll find. The culture of “the ghetto” is usually ignored, forgotten, or shunned. For better or worse though, many, MANY ghettos exist. In this song Elvis sings about the plight of the poor inner-city mother who is blessed and cursed with a child. America, like Elvis, has shown a propensity towards sympathy for the poor, homeless, and hopeless. However, a proper solution has not been found; it probably never will be. The great American tragedy continues.

5-1 coming soon. Tell me if you disagree so far.

Life Without Cable

--I moved to Tuscaloosa. Really couldn’t swing paying for ridiculously over-priced cable. Two nights in, I thought I’d never make it. One week in, I KNEW I’d never make it. Two weeks in, I thought there was a chance. Three weeks in, I was done with it forever. Yeah, like forever-forever. I will never again give my money to Satan’s cohorts, ‘Time Warner’ and ‘Comcast.’

--People, I’m here today to tell you that life without cable is not only possible but enjoyable. After two weeks, you’re so out of the loop on all the shows that you just don’t care anymore. There’s much less to distract you when you don’t have cable. You can find yourself doing funny things like cleaning up, taking care of things that need to be done, being productive, even reading the news or reading a book.

--I think the main thing I would like to get across to you is this: The CEO’s of Time Warner, Comcast, Charter, etc. are probably going to hell. They pump out products that are NOWHERE near the value they charge for them. The service of each and every cable company is crappy because it doesn’t have to be good for people to buy it. Seriously, do you have any options when it comes to cable in your area? Sure, Direct TV and Dish Network but they are just the lesser of the evils. When you don’t have cable, you don’t miss it. Honest. You don’t. Stick it to the man, and drop your cable like Dalton drops low-lifes at the Road House.

--I will now analyze the pros and cons of cables in a completely non-scientific way:

PROS of having cable:
-John Wayne is usually on AMC every weekend at some point.
-The aforementioned “Road House” was on 1-2 times a week…even before Patrick Swayze said “Goodbye world. Hello Glory.”
-‘College Gameday’ on ESPN
-Sportscenter
-The SPEED Channel
-The show ‘Planet Earth’
-‘Saved by the Bell’ re-runs
-Cable is a way to escape reality and relax for a while

CONS of having cable:
-You’re exposed to the digital diarrhea that is MTV. Whether you know it or not, MTV eats your brain from the inside out. Stop now before it’s too late
-Bill O’Reilly
-Keith Olberman (yeah, both of them are pricks)
-According to the Nielsen Company, Americans spend one-sixth of their time watching cable television. For those of you who don’t think this is a bad thing; re-evaluate your lives. Immediately.
-Just having cable TV is a proven risk factor of becoming obese

Say no to the devil, and reject cable. Kill your televisions before they kill you!

Don't Even Think About Working This Weekend

--Put another summer in the books. This weekend, we celebrate Labor Day and the great working spirit of America…At least what’s left of it. Over the last 30 years or so, there’s been quite a shift in American business culture. Thanks to our greedy society’s insistence on cutting cost of production via outsourcing and out-of-country labor, the American worker has become so jaded that the idea of “taking pride in your work” is almost out the door. Nobody works at a place for 30 years, collects their pension, and rides off into the sunset anymore. Instead we’re forced to jump from job to job with social security and taxes making it hard to actually plan for retirement. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t think Labor Day is a very special holiday anymore. Other than its un-official secondary function as the end of summer, it’s pretty worthless to me. In case you’re not sold on my analysis of the holiday, consider this: It originated in Canada. True story. Don’t shoot the messenger.

--Anyway, let’s focus on the only attractive part of Labor Day which is its significance as the un-official end of summer. Our days at the pool are numbered, as well as our days at the beach. Front-porch sitting will soon be replaced by gathering around the fire. Sun-bathing will be replaced by throwing on extra layers. Sayings such as “I’m sweating like Bill Clinton at an intern orientation dinner,” and “It’s hot enough out here to melt Michael Jackson’s face,” will soon be replaced with “It’s cold enough out here to freeze my whiskey” or “I’m colder than a playmate on a skiing trip.” Lastly, seeing as how it’s Labor Day, for God’s sakes ladies, don’t wear white anymore this year.

--Hopefully you all had a terrific summer. I learned, discovered, and determined several things over the past 3 months or so.

1. Working with kids is good for your mental health. Sure, the “I-pissed-my-pants brigade” gets a bum rap sometimes, but they’ve got many more positives than they do negatives. While coaching the 9-10 year-old Chapel Hill Reds with 3 of my friends, one of the players informed Coach John that he was “an amphibian.” This should not be confused as a reference to a couple of former NBA players that insisted they were amphibians because they could dribble with both hands. No, I don’t believe the young man on our team was referring to be ambidextrous. He was asserting that he was indeed an amphibian…like a frog…or a lizard.

--While working at the YMCA early this summer, I was introduced to new word while playing UNO. Here was the situation. I had one card left, and the young man to my left said the following statement before playing a draw-4 card, “Well this is gonna to be fun fo’ me and punishment fo’ you. I’ll call it Fun-ishment!”

--Also at the YMCA this year, I got to enjoy what happens when children don’t know what to do with all their energy. One day I was talking to my middle schoolers on the playground. They were seated and about to use a kick ball which was sitting on the ground beside me. A kid that was about 5 or 6 ran over screaming and kicked the ball as hard as he could. He immediately silenced himself and stared at me for 3 seconds before promptly turning around and running away.

2. The Chicago Cubs no longer deserve unconditional support from their fans and from especially me. This loveable losers image is for fairies. Let’s be honest, it sure as hell hasn’t worked the last 100 years. The fact that some of the players have complained about the fans at Wrigley this year has ticked me off a tad. Milton Bradley and the like have cried because they feel there’s hatred directed at the Cubs for not winning…Yeah. Because you’re a bunch of overpaid schmucks who play in front of a packed house that has gotten tired of giving endless support in exchange for you sucking. Grow a set. And any “true Cubs fan” who wants to tell me I’m out of line can shove it; I don’t associate with losers. Current Cubs fans, listen carefully to me. Don’t sit back and act like everything’s going to be ok. Lots of fans throughout the 1900s took this approach…and they’re dead now. Thank goodness, I’ve got the Tar Heels to fall back on for some winning. Congrats to the Diamond Heels on another awesome season.

--I learned more stuff this summer. I’ll get back to it in a day or two. In the meantime, it’s Labor Day weekend. Let’s party.

If This Post Were A 'Jeopardy' Category, It Would Be Called "POTPOURRI"

---Tuscaloosa and the University of Alabama continue to impress. There are enough country stations around here to fill up 2 pre-set lists on my car radio. Today’s country, yesterday’s country, the newbies, the oldies. You name it, I got it, all in the comfort of my 2001, 4-cylinder, front-wheel-drive Black Stallion- Nissan Sentra. If you sometimes feel out of place because of your love for honky tonk music and PBR beer; If brushing your teeth sometimes strikes you as a nuisance; If you believe tobacco is a vegetable; If reading novels makes you vomit; If your idea of “Progressive Talk” is this week’s NASCAR starting grid; If you believe Okra is an odd variation of Fried Okra…Consider joining me in Alabama.

---In the “Muffin should have known this” Department, we have this: Eli Gold is the voice of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team. I certainly should have known this, but as it stands, it’s a fantastic surprise. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli Gold; he is the owner of the soothing radio voice that talks left turns on “NASCAR Live” each week. A bona fide American.

---Everybody in Tuscaloosa is counting down to the September 5th college football kickoff game between the Crimson Tide and the Virginia-Tech Hokies. As a Tar Heel, I would love to see Alabama knock the poo-poo out of V-tech. Forget about the ACC trying to “represent.” I’m tired of the Virginia Tech football team, and I’m especially tired of the term “Beamer Ball,” which apparently means “No National Championship Ball.” Naturally the angered V-tech fan will respond, “Hey a-hole, Carolina’s never won a national championship in football.” Correct. But we don’t run around calling it “Butch Ball,” now do we?

***There’s other stuff happening outside of T-town and Chapel Hill believe it or not. Everybody’s favorite rich redneck, Jerry Jones has really done it this time. The world’s largest HD-TV resides in the new Cowboys Stadium. It sports a hefty price tag of 40 million dollars. And, it’s also too flippin’ low. Hit by a Titans punter last week, Jerry Jones insists that the little prick was kicking straight up and did it on purpose. Ohhhhhhhh, ok Jerry. So, as long as punters don’t try to hit the big screen, it won’t be an issue. Gotcha’ buddy. That screen’s just fine as is. Don’t change a thing…except the way games are played in your venue.

***Did you all hear about this story that claims 90% of US currency has traces of cocaine?! Do you think maybe the Dallas Cowboys and their teams of the last 2 decades had anything to do with this? Just wondering.

^^^According to this story from ESPN.com, Florida International is shocked and appalled that they have been scheduled to take on the Heels for their 2009-2010 basketball season opener. "We will not be bullied into a unilateral decision to play North Carolina after we already agreed to play Ohio State," Pete Garcia, FIU Athletic Director, said. HA! What- A -Fairy. I hope FIU head coach Isiah Thomas embraces the challenge unlike his neutered boss. Could you ever imagine an up-and-coming program at UNC like the football team, for instance, being thrown into a game against a powerhouse like Texas or USC? And then, could you imagine Dick Baddour saying, “Hey! Hey! Heyyyyy! Nuh-uh. I don’t think so mister.” Nah, we can’t imagine that. Because he’s a man.

~~~Lastly, from KTLA in Los Angeles I read this: The crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s remains has been sold for 4.6 million dollars, on eBay. The reasoning? Well, the old bat whose husband was resting there decided she wanted to pay off her home in Beverly Hills. So. She just decided to move her husband’s remains from above Ms. Monroe, and sell the spot. The winner on eBay (drum roll please)…Someone who goes by the initials, “O.S.” Listen, it’s a free country, obviously. But, if I had 4.6 million dollars set aside for the purpose of being placed on top of a woman, I’d want that woman and myself to be alive…very alive.

Breaking news about Brett Favre...And it isn't pretty

--The Brett Favre firestorm has begun again. Since Favre’s first retirement and comeback, I’ve gone from interested, to entertained, to anxious, to confused, to annoyed, to interested, to annoyed. It’s very easy to be ticked off due to the seemingly never-ending saga that is Brett Favre’s playing career. However, I have to wonder what it would be like to have a microphone in my face every second of every day while trying to make a major life decision. You know how it is when you’re making a really tough decision that could go either way, right? You go back and forth. You’re certain of one thing one minute, and certain of another thing the next. Now, imagine the media asking you what you were thinking a thousand times a day…I could hypothetically see myself doing what Brett Favre has done. That being said, the media coverage has undoubtedly been annoying and way too extensive.

--While we all have our opinions on Favre’s retirements and comebacks, that’s not the primary purpose of this column. The reason I’m writing is that I have to pass along a premonition I received recently in regards to Brett Favre…and it isn’t pretty. Now, now, once you read this, don’t go off thinking I’m some kind of sicko or maniac. I don’t want this to happen; I just think it may happen. Ok? So…

--I think the only fitting way for Brett Favre to end his ‘career’ is to be carted off the field. And when I say carted off the field, I mean carted off the field of life. I mean carted off for good. For good, good…Like ‘goodbye world, hello glory’-good. Like ‘lights out’-good. Like ‘skeleton slumber party’-good. I know it’s morbid, but come on, would it not be fitting? Let’s put this in perspective using another legend. I am a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt and his legacy, and I wish he was still with us today. I hate that he’s gone, and I wish I could still watch him on Sundays. But given the tragic circumstances, Dale went out rather fittingly, did he not? Nobody wanted to see Dale Earnhardt die of a heart attack or cancer. No. If Dale Earnhardt had to die (which was debatable until it actually happened), it had to be doing something manly and race-related. I’m afraid the same may be true for Favre and football.

--Anyway, Besides Jimmy Hoffa, who else belongs buried under a stadium? Brett friggin’ Favre, man! If something happens, he needs to be buried right under a 50-yard-line somewhere, somehow. It would be perfect and fitting. And, you could do a two-for-one on the burial and memorial service because you’d already be in a place with plenty of seats…right?

--I mean, I’m not saying---I’m just saying----Just think about it. I don’t want it to happen people. It just makes sense

Welcome To Tuscaloosa !

--After 4 days in Tuscaloosa, I feel qualified to write about it.

--First of all, to call Alabama a football state and Tuscaloosa a football town simply doesn’t do them justice. People that I’m meeting for the first time ever are asking, “are you ready for the game?” They’re referring to the September 5th matchup against Virginia-Tech. I’m trying to fit in, so I’ve been responding in this manner: “You know Hugh? …Hugh Damn Right! Let’s beat some Hokie ass, what’dya say?” These people have no interest whatsoever in college basketball, pro sports, or proper English, and I love it (except the distaste for college basketball of course). Back to proper English. In all seriousness, this is no small issue. In North Carolina, several people gave me a hard time for my southern accent and dialect. That’s ridiculous to me. You live in North Carolina people; southern accents happen.

--Continuing on now in stream-of-consciousness style: Got to go in Bryant-Denny Stadium (UA’s football stadium) today. Me and some other folks that were in a sales workshop decided to waltz our happy rear ends on to the playing field and the 50-yard line. This was really neat for 2 main reasons. 1: I was on the friggin’ 50-yard line of Alabama’s football field and 2. Most of the students I was with actually went to UA but they had never been on the field. Watching how ridiculously excited they were reminded me of seeing people hang out on the court of the Dean Dome for the first time. Really cool.

--My living arrangement has positives and negatives. It’s located near downtown Tuscaloosa on a road called Hackberry Lane. When people ask me where I live, I think I’m going to start calling it ‘The Hack Attack’ for 2 main reasons. 1: It sounds awesome. 2: Hackberry Lane sounds like a street in a horror movie. Think about it…If you were a serial killer, a road called “Hackberry Lane” would be a heck of a place to start.

--The apartment complex was built in the 1940’s so it’s kind of like hanging out at a grandparent or older relative’s place. It’s old-school for sure, and I like that. I mean, I'm living in an antique for goodness sake. Another thing that’s cool is that I can hear the marching band practicing each evening, and the football team actually practices less that 3/4 of a mile from here. All the residents here are graduate or law school students, so it’s very quiet which is a big plus.

--On the negative side, I’ve got no dishwasher or central air. I also have no washing machine or dryer because there are no hookups. In all honesty though, I don’t mind this stuff too bad. I’ve got a window unit in my bedroom which is all that really matters, and I’ve got two working arms so washing dishes is straight. Overall, Hackberry gets my seal of approval. I would absolutely recommend it to any dirt poor grad student.

--Obviously, I already miss all my good friends and family back in NC, but I knew that would be the case. Good news though. Thanks to Al Gore’s World Wide Net Web, and cellular telephone services, we’ll all be able to stay in touch.

--Can’t wait to write more about Alabama, but for now I’ve got to go for 3 main reasons. 1. A fantastic feature film starring Frank Sinatra (Kings go Forth) starts in 10 minutes on the only TV channel I get on my receiver. 2. I need to turn on the lights in the bathroom to give the cockroaches a head start so they don’t clog up the shower drain. Just kidding! LOL! LO-freakin’L. I don’t have cockroaches. ..At least I don’t think I do. 3. Nick Saban is throwing rocks at my window trying to get more advice from me on how to run the team. This guy just doesn’t stop.

COSMIC PAYCHECK!

--Sometimes I find it hard to come up with topics to write about. Other times, topics fly up and hit me in the face like gnats at a picnic.

--Not too long ago, I went to Kroger. Let me digress before I even start. Kroger is the finest grocery establishment in the country. ‘Right Store, Right friggin Price’ baby. Love it. Their store brands not only match but exceed the competition. Their sodas are life changing: ‘Dr. K’, ‘Citrus Drop’, and the very simple ‘Lemon Lime’ are just a few. Their boxed Mac and Cheese is the only store brand in America that keeps pace with Kraft. I am an expert in this field. Food Lion’s Mac and Cheese: cardboard. Harris Teeters Mac and Cheese: Too salty. pure garbage. Wal-Mart’s Great (or good?) Value Mac and Cheese: Please. It’s flippin’ amateur hour. Anyway, I went to Kroger.

--I pulled into the parking lot and spotted an opening. While driving into the spot, I witnessed one of the finest displays of Southern Americana ever. Picture this: A green 1994 or ’95 Chevy Astro Van. A fine American “whip,” if you will. That baby sported a 4.3 liter V6 that was produced back when gas was cheaper than beer. A typical Astro would get you 12.4 miles per gallon highway…new. Love’em.
Moving on to what was in and around the van. The passenger door was wide open to promote free air flow. One little girl was in the back playing with her toy horses. Two young boys were behind the Astro, near my spot. They were shirtless. The entire family had just come from the lake most likely. One young man sported Transformers trunks and the other sported an American Flag set of trunks. His trunks were very much like the ones I love to wear when I participate in aquatic activities. The mother was smoking a cig and leaning against the front of her trailer park chariot. She was wearing a turquoise one piece with jean shorts on top. By utilizing the Astro’s driver side mirror, I could see that Papa Bear was in the front seat with a Burger King Whopper in hand. He was large and in charge, and he was wearing a splendid off-white wife beater. It didn’t come off-white to start with, I can guarantee you that. Before I turned off my car I noticed that boys and Papa Bear were singing along to some song. The boys, in fact, were clapping and stomping along with the beat as well. I wondered what this awesome family was jamming to. As I turned off the car, Transformer Tommy, as we’ll call him, pointed at me during the apex and chorus of the song…

--“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t workin’ here no more. My woman done left and took all the reasons-I was uh-working for. You better not try to stand in my way As I’m walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain’t workin here no more.”

--One of Johnny Paycheck’s greatest hits of all time. It really resonates with Americans, and especially North Carolinians who have struggled with the changing economy of the South over the last 3 decades. And as any other country song, it also resonates with any man who’s ever had a woman who done went and done him wrong. Great song.

--I laughed hysterically. This young boy of about 5 or 6 started laughing as well, while continuing to clap and point. Papa Bear popped his head out. He let out a laugh/cough and said, “Dang it boy, what’chu doing back there. Let that man alone.” I quickly responded in my finest redneck-speak. “Aw, he ain’t botherin’ me.” The boy laughed, pointed again and shouted at me, “Take this job and shove it!” His mother was far from appalled and just barely twisted to see what her boy was doing. The only thing I could think of to say…And I mean the only thing… I was so amused and confused, that I wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing I could think of to say was, “I’ll drink to that.” Papa Bear said, “HA! There you go. There you go. I’ll drink to that too. Yes sir. Um-huh. Yes sir.”

--God Bless America.

Farewell Michael, Farrah, and Billy

--Unfortunately, there’s one heck of a celebrity skeleton slumber party going on after last week. We lost 3, count’em 3 American cultural Icons. Let’s get to it.
Ever watched a baseball game where a batter is on fire? Multiple home runs, maybe a grand slam in there. And then…the next batter digs in, and everyone thinks or says, “That’s impossible to follow. Sucks to be that guy.” This is the feeling I got when I found out Billy Mays died in the same week as Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. I was riding in the back of a Ford Explorer, on the way back from one of America’s finest vacation spots, Myrtle Beach. Riding along S.C. #9 (I think), My friend shouted, “Billy Mays is dead?! This is ridiculous!”

--My friend’s Blackberry did not lie. Our favorite late night/Saturday morning pitchman was gone; “gone to the giant toll-free zone in the sky.” He “expired,” “cashed in,” and “departed.” Perhaps another one of my friends said it best via Facebook: “Goodbye Billy Mays. I’ll miss you yelling at me at 3 in the morning.” Indeed we will.

--Mays was such an anomaly. He was a salesman. But, people liked him. As Americans, we generally hate salesmen, right? Businesses and housing developments prove it with big signs that say, “NO SOLICITING.” When telemarketers call our homes, some of us unleash hell upon them verbally. When we see people handing out fliers, we immediately audible from a fly-route to a slant. These are things that make me love America. We can be contradictory in our ideas and values. We despise salesmen. But, we liked Mays. I never bought Mighty Putty, Mighty Mend-it, or CLR, but daggum, I loved hearing Mays talk about them. You know; he used every product he sold. He said so.

--Farrah Fawcett is the one of the three that I find hardest to take lightly. In all actuality, I shouldn’t take any of their deaths lightly, but public figures seem surreal to begin with (to me anyways). Fawcett died last Thursday after a 3-year fight with cancer. She “checked out,” “met her end,” and “passed on to the great beyond.” Charlie’s Angels put Fawcett on the map, although one could argue she put Charlie’s Angels on the map. She also co-starred in one of my favorite films of all time, The Apostle. In The Apostle, she had an affair while married to Robert Duvall’s character. What a great flippin’ movie…Anyway, from what I’ve read and seen, Fawcett was never overly extravagant or flighty like so many other celebrities. An absolute American icon in the 60s and 70s. She had an impact on young people in later decades as well. It’s a shame her untimely death was overshadowed.

--Michael Jackson. Where do you start with Michael Jackson? I’ll try. Tremendously talented. Amazing musical and singing skills. Equally impressive dancing moves. Friendly. Philanthropic… …Lunatic.

--Jackson died last Thursday at his home. He “met his maker,” “hung up his hat,” “went belly up,” and “ceased.” I was least affected by his passing in comparison to the other 2 we’ve discussed. Yes, Jackson had good music. Not great in my opinion. Yes, good dancer. But, good dancing is for fairies and women only. Who am I to comment on Michael Jackson, since I never met the guy? Well, nearly 20 years of court cases and acquisitions make it fairly clear I would never want Michael Jackson around any child I know. And if you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. If you say and truly believe that you would let Jackson spend time alone with your children or young relatives, then you deserve a mental evaluation of the most thorough variety. People were coming up with dead Michael Jackson jokes 10 years ago. Did you notice how quickly these jokes made everyday conversation? There’s usually a “WHOA, WHOA, A-HOLE! TOO SOON,” period that lasts at least a week. Nuh-uh, not with Jackson. People were cracking jokes that night. Sad but true. Sad. But. True.

--In all honesty, the guy was a weirdo. He had a deeper voice when he was 12 than he did when he was 40. That’s not normal. He looked non-human. YES, I know he reportedly had a skin disease. Let’s say that’s true…He could have afforded a better plastic surgeon. It looked like Ren and Stimpy were his plastic surgeons. Basically, from what I read and saw, I thought him to be very odd, and someone I didn’t care to meet. As Kat Williams, the comedian, pointed out. Michael Jackson had children with a white woman, and they were completely white. No way. We’re not that stupid. He once hung a baby over a balcony. Somehow he managed to dig himself into 400 million or more dollars in debt. How the hell do you do that if you’re bringing in money like Michael Jackson? How do you do that? I’ll tell you how. By being a complete and total moron and by putting your pee-pee and hands where they don’t belong. That’s how. To all MJ fans, I’m sorry if I have offended you; truly I am. Let me be absolutely clear, I’m not happy that he passed away. It’s just that I’m not upset. Is that wrong?

Tobacco: American. Dead American.

Have we ever had an issue at hand as convoluted and controversial as tobacco? Is tobacco American? I think the answer is absolutely, yes. Native Americans were using it long before this country was settled by Europeans. Before tobacco was popularized as a recreational drug, Native Americans used it as an enthogen…hey-o! It’s the word of the day! An enthogen is psychoactive drug used in a religious or shamanic context. Basically after a day of hunting and gathering, the boys huddled up in the teepee, got high, and looked for god(s).

Anyway, I guess tobacco was American even before this country had its name. Furthermore, tobacco is southern and North Carolinian. Tobacco was a primary factor in the development of this state’s economy centuries ago. Today, North Carolina is still among the country’s top tobacco producers along with Tennessee, Virginia, and Kentucky.

Now, now; I realize tobacco is bad. I realize you or somebody you know has lost someone close because of illness due to tobacco use. Please don’t go off getting huffy and puffy thinking I’m going to sit here and waste your time talking about how cool and awesome tobacco is. I will indeed talk about how deadly it is…later.

Before I go on, let me say this. I started chewing and dipping tobacco when I was 16 years old as a high school sophomore (or as Woody Durham would say, “soffuh-more”). I quit chewing and dipping tobacco 3 years, 11 days, and 8 hours ago in Burlington, North Carolina while broadcasting for the Burlington Indians.

Why did I do it for so long? Why did I do it at all? Have you ever thrown in a big friggin’ chaw (AKA a chomper, a chewski, a wad, a baseball-sized mass of wackey tobackey)? Or, have you thrown in a big ol’ fatty (AKA a lipper, a dip, a smacker, a dinger, a Hugo)? Have you had that slight burning/tickling sensation on your gums and lips right before you get mildly light-headed and feel full-body relaxation? Have you ever lit up a cig? Ever inhaled as deeply as possible to hold in all the nicotine-goodyness you could before exhaling that magic stuff into the atmosphere, allowing Mother Nature to get a contact-high? All that stuff is nice isn’t it?

Well. All that cool stuff mentioned above will friggin’ kill you. It will flippin’ put you six feet under. It will bring you down to China Town homeboy. If you use tobacco, you could “buy the farm,” “push up daisies,” “go to pasture,” “go to a skeleton slumber party”… Let’s see, you could also “cash in your chips,” “croak,” “punch your ticket,” “PERISH” (that one’s intense), and “bite the dust.” Bottom line, it could be “Goodbye World, hello Glory” if you use tobacco.

If it doesn’t kill you, it will cause other problems. Men, let’s just get real…tobacco can cause your “unit” to not function properly. Women, smoking can wrinkle your skin more than a night-crawler or worm left out on an asphalt sidewalk in the middle of August. Chew and dip will cause funky little sores to pop up in your mouth. Yep, most of them will go away…until one doesn’t. All of these scary things are why I quit, and why if you’re a user, you should stop too. I’m not going to stop you though; as a former tobacco user, I know this. Quitting has to be on your own time, and it has to be your decision.

It’s not easy. In fact I still think about how bad I want a chew every daggum day. People I have flippin’ dreams where I’m dipping or chewing…I start freaking out saying, “why did I start back up? This is so stupid!” And then, I try to spit the stuff out, but I can’t get it all out. Those dreams stink. I ain’t making this stuff up. Nicotine is some intense stuff.

However, if you are a tobacco user and you want to quit; you can do it! If you’ve never used or even tried tobacco, congratulations! Do not ever try the stuff. It’s not worth it. Now, where tobacco and America have recently clashed is in court. Should the states and federal government be regulating tobacco or regulating its use? The FDA now has regulatory authority over tobacco. The state of North Carolina has banned smoking in restaurants and bars. I am very weary of such legislation; plan and simple. I hate smoke in bars, but I don’t think the government should be telling you, you can’t do it. The restaurant or bar owner should make that call. “Well, no one would disallow tobacco in their establishments unless the government made them,” some of you will undoubtedly say. To you, I respond, “Well don’t flipping go out to eat or go out on the town if you don’t want to encounter smoke and tobacco products. Eating out is terribly expensive and unhealthy anyway. Lord knows this country is overweight as it is. It wouldn’t hurt us to stay at home and eat a turkey sandwich with Sun Chips and grapes instead of eating out and having brewskis three nights a week.”

If you disagree with me, and you’re for legislation against tobacco, you’ll never change my mind with an e-mail or through a conversation. You will never change my mind, just like I’ll never change yours. BUT, I respect your opinions, and I always like hearing them. We have all got to do a better job of respecting people with differing political and cultural views. We don’t have to like these people; we don’t have to play Rummy with them on Wednesday nights; we don’t have to change ourselves to be like them. But we need to respect each other, and we need to listen.
I am shocked at how much of an ultra-tolerant hippy I sounded like in that last paragraph; better put this to press quickly before I edit it down.

Muffin Matters Invited Back to CWC

Muffin Matters will once again be carried throughout the collegiate athletic off-season on Carolinawatercooler.com. Carolina Water Cooler is a fantastic website dedicated to the coverage of North Carolina Athletics. Check it out!

Finishing up with N.C. Baseball

7. The Kannapolis Intimidators-Fildcrest Cannon Stadium: Obviously, I take particular interest in the Intimidators because Dale Earnhardt Sr. bought the franchise shortly before his passing. The stadium is simple and clean. Their staff puts a lot of effort towards cleanliness and good service. The design is fairly unique in that it’s so wide open. Other than a couple of luxury boxes and the main entrance, there isn’t much too it…and that’s not a bad thing.

8. The Kinston Indians-Grainger Stadium: This park is in the same category as Burlington. Old-timey, inviting facility. Awesome renovations that didn't question the authenticity of the park, and a friendly atmosphere to boot. The K-tribe is a big draw in K-town. Have they had a Jaime Pressly night yet?

9. The Winston-Salem Dash (formerly the Warthogs)-Ernie Shore Field…no wait, Gene Hooks Field at Wake Forest Baseball Park: Where should we begin with this travesty of a baseball franchise? Folks they are averaging less than 200 people per game, and there’s a reason for it. First, they were suppose to be moving to a new downtown ballpark this season, but something happened…they ran out of time and money! Maybe the fans would be a little more understanding if the franchise wouldn’t have spent $12 million of taxpayer money to come up short. $38 million in total has been spent so far to NOT move in this year. In late may, they officially announced they would not make it to the new ballpark until 2010. So, they moved back to Ernie Shore field which has since been bought by Wake Forest University. Luckily for the Dash, Wake Forest was nice enough to let the old tenants back in for this season. As for historic Ernie Shore Field: it was nice in its prime, and still has what it takes to be a minor league facility, but the owners wanted more. Say what they will, they were jealous (and understandably so) of their neighbors, the Greensboro Grasshoppers. Ernie Shore was another old-timey park with ad-covered outfield walls and tons of fan-friendly promotions. Ernie Shore will live on, but it will go by a different name from here on out.

10. Zebulon-The Carolina Mudcats-Five-County Stadium: Remodeled in 2002, Five-County stadium really offers some cool attractions to its fans. They have a restaurant located at the stadium, but you won’t find ballpark food in “Cattails,” a fine dining establishment. As for the actual ballpark food…it’s awesome! Excellent choices and quality including a CATFISH SANDWICH! It’s a must have; or at least a must try. Originally built in 1991, it was placed right in the middle of an old tobacco field. The Mudcats are most associated with the city and capitol of Raleigh, but it’s nearly 20 miles away from downtown and from the campus of North Carolina State University.

NC Baseball cont. & MORE!

Moving on down the list of North Carolina Minor League Baseball teams:

3. The Charlotte Knights-Knights Stadium (Fort Mill, S.C): That's right; there's no typo there. The Charlotte Knights play in Fort Mill, South Carolina. They have tried and tried to get a stadium in downtown Charlotte, but the future looks bleak. With the economy in its current state, there's less hope than ever. Either way, the team is considered a North Carolina team. The most interesting dynamic going on with the Knights is that they desperately want to move downtown, so the front office wants to point to discouraging attendance facts as incentives for the team to move...However, they also still want to maximize profit. The easiest way to do this...more fans. A catch-22. This is one of those places you go just to say you've been there.

4. The Durham Bulls-Durham Bulls Athletic Park: I was a fan of the old Durham Athletic Park (DAP), but after overwhelming popularity, the Bulls moved to a bigger nicer facility (the DBAP). Solid stadium; questionable management. You have to go to see the bull above the left field wall that shoots fire out of its nostrils after a home run.

5. The Greensboro Grasshoppers-NewBridge Bank Park: The best part about no longer working in minor league baseball, is that I'm not worried about burning bridges any more. NewBridge Bank Park is top notch; a must see. The management however, is unfriendly and terribly inefficient. Their business like approach is overkill in the world of FAN-ENTERTAINMENT. But again, I love the ballpark. The beer garden beyond the leftfield corner is the nicest you will find in the state and arguably in the entire country. It's huge and accessible, and the prices are right on a Thursday night. The designers finally had a the foresight to put a beer garden in a proper location. A beer garden shouldn't be along the left or right field line where foul balls can pick off drunks. It also shouldn't be somewhere where patrons can't see all the action. The one in G-boro is neither; it's perfect.

6. The Hickory Crawdads-L.P. Frans Stadium: Misters to keep fans cool in summer...80-year-old dancing ushers keeping the mood right...one of the first new stadiums to infiltrate the South Atlantic League. The Crawdads have it going on.

Still to come: Kannapolis, Kinston, Winston-Salem, Zebulon

IN OTHER NEWS

*The Southern 500 in Darlington was awesome. From the 55-year old Mark Martin fan who probably still lives in his mother's basement, to the female South Carolina student wearing an American flag-themed bikini without a pool or watering hole within 2 miles, to sleeping in the back of trucks and sleeping in camping chairs, it couldn't have been better.

*The Carolina Hurricanes are still going! Am I a bandwagon or fair-weather fan? No. I don't care if they win or lose and I don't go nuts over the 'Canes, but YES I love following their progress and supporting their best effort. If it wasn't a sport full or Canadians, French-Canadians, and Yankees, maybe I'd really love the NHL.

* The North Carolina State Senate just voted down a 2-cent reduction in gas taxes...Ridiculous. Fellow North Carolina natives, we are the second-highest taxed state in the union behind California I believe. Join me in writing critical but humane (just barely) letters to this group of A-holes in our Senate.

Let's talk about NASCAR, old hollywood movie stars, let's talk about anything in this world

"Let's talk about baseball, Talk a little small talk, There's got to be a good joke that you've heard. Let's talk about NASCAR, Old Hollywood movie stars, Let's talk about anything, Anything in this world; But politics, religion, and her."
-Sammy Kershaw (singer, songwriter, American legend)

--After the Aarons 499 at Talladega Superspeedway, and after the start of another minor league baseball season, I couldn't help but talk a little NASCAR and baseball. The restrictor-plate race at Talladega was one of the most exciting and nerve-racking races I've ever seen. And, the amount of terrific minor league ballparks in North Carolina never ceases to amaze me.

--If you watched the race last Sunday, you know exactly what I'm talking about in regards to Talladega. Carl Edwards, Ryan Newman (in my opinion), and the trackside fans are fortunate to still be kicking. Brad keselowski started to make a last lap pass on Edwards; He had position underneath of Edwards; Edwards tried to get back down low; Insanity followed. Edwards' car ended up air born against the fence in front of the fans. WATCH IT HERE! Fast forward to 1:35 to start seeing all the different replays. How amazing is it that nobody died as a result of that accident?

--I'm not trying to recruit more people to be NASCAR fans, but I will say that any race at Talladega is what it's all about. It's down in the deep south where the fans are going to actually see the race; not to "see a spectacle" like the fairies in California and New Hampshire. In Talladega, the fans know that each and every driver is putting their head in the lion's mouth for 499 miles, and they respect them for it. I don't care who someone pulls for in NASCAR; when there's a bad accident at Talladega, every fan is concerned. That being said, as soon as those fans see a driver pop out of the window and walk away without injury, they will immediately return to flipping them off and yelling obscenities. Talladega and Daytona are the most dangerous tracks on the circuit due to the high speeds, and this really leads to an ultimate amount of respect from the fans.

--NASCAR fans care about the drivers and the drivers care about the fans to a greater extent than they do in any other professional athlete-fan relationship. Unfortunately, with the ever-growing purses and sponsorship deals, the drivers may eventually go the way of the professional baseball, basketball, and football player. But, for now, the drivers are extremely grateful for their support and return the favor every chance they get.

--The support that fans give NASCAR drivers is most evident when you consider NASCAR camping. Talladega is yet another track where you can see fields and fields full of RV's and tents full of people cheering on their favorite race teams. I was luck to see Talladega last week when I was driving back to North Carolina. It was the Friday before a Sunday race and the atmosphere was electric. It was 9:30 in the morning and people were already partying. Alot of campers will get to a track by Wednesday (even Tuesday) before a Sunday race to start camping and hanging out with other NASCAR fans. The camping aspect of NASCAR is an amazing event within an event. If you don't like NASCAR, I bet you'd like the camping.

--Moving on to baseball. If you're a North Carolina native, you are in the center of the minor league baseball world. North Carolina is the only state to have teams from every classification of minor league baseball represented within its borders. I'll briefly talk about the stadiums in NC. If you want to really learn some incredible stuff, pick up a copy of the book: Cradle of the Game by Mark Cryan. Here are your options in North Carolina:

1. The Asheville Tourists-McCormick Field (Single-A, South Atlantic League)-quaint old ballpark that has been renovated to keep up with the new stadium trends of luxury suites. McCormick Field is one of several North Carolina stadiums to be seen in the movie Bull Durham.

2. The Burlington Royals-Burlington Athletic Stadium (Short-season A, Most simply call this "Rookie ball." It's as low as you can go)-The BAS was also seen in the movie Bull Durham. Obviously I'm partial to this one because I worked there in '06 when they were still the Indians. You MUST get to this ballpark while you still can. It is one of a very, VERY few left of its kind. Baseball has been played there for over 46 years. The old wooden seats are gone and have been replaced with aluminum bleachers and plastic chairs, but it is still as "old school" as you can possibly get. You will never see a new ballpark designed in this way again: no luxury suites (just a sponsored seat upgrade to the roof right beside the press box).

I'll go over the other 8 soon...this post is way too flippin' long

Tancredo "Shut Down": Un-American

--As always, it's important to state that we here at Muffin Matters do not discuss political stances, religion, or the inner-workings of the female brain. Let's go back to number one: "Political stances." This is not to say that we do not discuss politics. It just means, you won't find the Muffin's views posted here.
--Regardless of your political views, the recent protesting of former U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo's speech on the campus of UNC was repulsive. Invited to campus to speak about immigration in America by a conservative student group, Tancredo's speech was put to a halt by liberal activist groups. Tancredo was cursed at, hissed at, and prevented from completing his speech.
--Without question the protesting groups emabarrased themselves and the University. In a final repulsive act, a brick or rock was thrown through a window causing Tancredo's staff and police to quickly escort him out of the building. Tancredo later said in a phone call to WRAL that he would perhaps "expect this from some 'Podunk' school, but NOT North Carolina."
--Dido.
--The protesting groups clearly lost the Constitutional battle in this one. The basis of the Constitution in regards to our rights is that we have the right and freedom to do anything we please AS LONG AS we don't impose upon the rights and safety of others. The protesting factions clearly did not respect the rights of Tancredo and those that showed up to hear him speak.
--Shameful.
--Un-American.