Wal-Mart? Wal-Yeah!!!

-I’m going to start by first apologizing to the huge and ever-growing Muffin Nation. It’s called Americana Monday’s on Carolina Water Cooler for a reason, and I let all of you down. I submit my late entry to you with my tail between my legs. A loyal reader who goes by the nickname “Snuggles” said it best. “What the heck? It’s Americana Monday’s and the Muffin is a no show.” Just like Ruben Studdard: I’ve apologized a million times before, but here it comes again for all the wrong I’ve done. Here’s one-million-one. I’m sorry.

-Now, on to business. This week’s topic is Wal-Mart: AMERICAN.

-Wal-Mart was founded by the man, the myth, the legend Sam Walton back in 1962. It was incorporated in 1972 when it debuted on the New York Stock exchange. Sam Walton is without a doubt the pride and joy of Kingfisher, Oklahoma where he was born in 1918, 10 years after the Cubs' last World Series title. As if placing one city on the map wasn’t enough, Walton put Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas where the folks absolutely love good ol’ Sammy. I know, I’ve been through there…the city should just change its name to Wal-Mart…they have a Wal-Mart Café, a Wal-Mart gas station, a Wal-Mart guest center, a Wal-Mart auto center, etc., etc…it’s awesome.

-Believe it or not, there are some agencies who say Wal-Mart is the biggest corporation in the world having $404 billion, surpassing even ExxonMobil. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s interesting to know that Wal-Mart is even close. It’s too bad Sammy passed away in 1992 before seeing Wal-Mart become the Gigantor of American business. Just this year, they decided to take out the hyphen, and it is now Walmart. So when a new store opens up, look for the difference and tell those to your immediate right or left. They’re sure to be amazed. You can thank me later for being the life of the party.

-Walmart is so much more than a place for “Always low prices.” It’s become a social institution. My parents and grandparents just drove 14 hours to visit me in Little Rock, and do you know where we went for no particular reason? Walmart.

-We just walked around, and chatted. Mom and Grandmother took off towards the clothes while me, the T-Bone (my dad), and Granddaddy Jim walked through the Lawn Care Center and then zigzagged all the way to Electronics. Twice I caught myself asking my dad, “Why exactly are we here?” His response to the question I already knew the answer to was, “I’m not really sure.” But that was exactly the point…We were just going there to walk around and take it easy. That’s odd isn’t it? I bet you’ve done it before with friends or family too. What is it that binds us to that place like none other?

-I remember in high school when me and the guys got together on Friday and Saturday night, Walmart would actually be part of our plans. Our plans went something like this: “Aight, let’s go holler at Sonic for some burgers, then we’ll drive over to the golf course to see if there’s anything cool to mess with and/or steal, then we’ll go to Wal-Mart to party, and then we’ll go catch the 10:30 movie.”

-Walmart has a kind of State Fair atmosphere to it doesn’t it? You’re sure to see some nice ones in there. You’re sure to see some fellas and gals that just ain’t right. That’s part of the fun. One of my most memorable American-consumer moments came in Wal-Mart. I was trying to get to the novelty t-shirts but I was trapped in an aisle with an obese, camo-wearing, confederate flag waiving good ol’ boy behind me and a sweet but slow old woman pushing a buggy in an unpredictable and unsettling manner. I decided to wait it out and follow her. Big mistake. She let out a fart that would make Larry the Cable Guy blush. I couldn’t help but laugh, and when she turned around all I could say…check that...the only sound I could make was “hmmmm.” I tried to manage a polite smile as I turned around to battle tubby-tubby behind me.

-Walmart has its negatives. It’s put thousands of establishments out of business and it’s put several, hard working folks out of a job. It may have single-handedly destroyed the “little man” in the American economy. A majority of the items within aren’t made in the US, but how many places can you go these days where most items are American-made anymore? It’s sad, but that’s what this nation has become. We have to deal with it. Therefore if we’re going to sell out to the rest of the world and watch our economy slowly crumble as the price of dollar drops like an Adam Warren curveball, I want to be in Walmart while it happens. It’s more peaceful that way. When you can buy Wrangler Jeans for 15 dollars, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt for 12, a bug zapper for 18 and a John Wayne double feature for $7.50, it helps to put your (or at least my) mind at ease.