He Just Ain't Right

-Do you know or work with someone who “just ain’t right?” I want to be clear right from the get go; I am absoultely not talking about people with disabilities or mental illnesses. I don't stoop to that level here on Muffin Matters. I’m simply talking about people that “just ain’t right.” You know what I mean--people who aren’t all there, people with elevators that don’t go all the way to the top, people that are a couple of bricks short of a load, people who are a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal, etc. These are the people that make you laugh, shake your head and say, “only in America!”

-Down here on the farm in Arkansas, there are 2 young men on the cleaning crew that are just out of high school. Their nicknames are “Peanut” and “The Mopper.” Peanut is responsible for sweeping up peanuts, and The Mopper is responsible for, well, mopping. He’ll mop anything from spilled Coke to the most disturbing thing you can imagine in a public restroom. Both of these guys are hard workers, and they will do anything to help out a friend, but they are also prime examples of people who just ain’t right.

-Peanut and The Mopper are terrific story tellers. Each one will do anything to one-up the other. This means some of their story details are fabricated and others are exaggerated. This also means that the rest of us get to hear some fantastically absurd tales.

-Let’s start with Peanut. Peanut is 18 years old, he has 3 or 4 girlfriends; he has a football scholarship to Ohio State and will soon be playing quarterback there; and on the baseball diamond, he has thrown 2 no-hitters and hit over .400 in every season he’s ever played. Now I hate to be a skeptic, but Peanut doesn’t exactly have the body type of what we would call an “athlete.” He slipped up one night and admitted he will actually be attending a local college to earn his degree in Facility Management…but his baseball stats are legit.

-Personally, I am most excited about Peanut’s upcoming wedding. First of all, I just feel bad for his other girlfriends, because legally, there can only be one Mrs. Peanut. Anyway, Peanut is going to get married right here at the baseball park before a game sometime in August or September. He insists that the six interns here will be the groomsmen, and he also wants us to clear our schedules for that night, because we’re all going to “rock and roll and celebrate the wedding.” I asked him when we were all going to get fitted for tuxedo-shirts, but he quickly answered that it wasn’t going to be like that… “It’s going to be an easy-going country wedding. There ain’t going to be any overly-nice outfits, and George Strait is going to sing instead of some piano man playing ‘Here Comes the Bride’ when she walks down the aisle.” Let me tell you something folks…if this wedding happens, I’m going to take more pictures than the paparazzi at a Britney Spears cocaine party. I can NOT wait. Peanut better not be stringing me along with another one of his wild stories. That boy just ain’t right.

-Now to The Mopper. His age is uncertain. He usually responds with “I’m old enough.” This is quite an unsettling response when you think about it. Is he old enough to drink? Is he old enough to kick butt? Is he old enough to enter adult movie stores? What exactly is he ‘old enough’ to do?! The Mopper is truly a good friend, and he will absolutely go to the ends of the Earth to help a friend in need. However, he is a crafty business man, and you better watch yourself when it comes to making deals with him. He caught me admiring his Dale Earnhardt watch one day last month, and he said. “You like this number 3 watch don’t you?” I responded, “Absolutely. How much would it cost me to take it off of your hands?” That day, he told me he paid 20 dollars for it. I told him I’d think about it. Two weeks later I asked him again…he said he paid 320 dollars for it that time. I told him I couldn’t make the deal. Three days later I asked him again…he said he paid 60 dollars for it. Although I could probably get the same watch with a Coca-Cola proofs of purchase mail-in offer, I told him I’d think about it.

-The Mopper knows some important people, and he has traveled to exotic locations around the country. He has dated the daughters of governors in Florida, Arkansas, and Texas. When a game-day employee accused The Mopper of being gay, he promptly responded, “If I was gay, then why do I have 2 ex-wives and 4 children?” The employee promptly responded with “What are all of their names?” The Mopper was ready. He said, “I don’t remember.”

-The Mopper has been surfing in Malibu, and he has partied with Hef at the Playboy Mansion. He has a second job as a repo man and he always packs a pistol in case things get nasty. He’s been around, and he’s one tough customer. He must also be an excellent driver, because we once got out of the ballpark at 1 AM, and he went to Midland, Texas right after to repossess a truck from a convicted felon. He made it back to work the next day at 8 AM. That’s impressive seeing as how Midland is a 10-hour drive one way. When we pointed this out, he did what he always does; he lowered his head and let out a quiet giggle before gathering himself and saying, “Oh well.” That fella just ain’t right.

-Do you know folks who “just ain’t right?” I bet you do. Aren’t they great? Seriously, they keep up our spirits and they keep us laughing. I wish more people were just not right.