Mullet Matters: A promise fulfilled

-Well, I stuck to my word and got a mullet. I’d first like to thank Natasha from Walmart for the haircut. I’ve got to say I was concerned at first. Natasha didn’t know what a mullet was. I thought that the mullet was the default hairdo in Arkansas, but apparently not. We worked through it together, though. She was also very sweet. She kept telling me that, “it actually looks pretty good,” even though we both knew it was a blatant lie.

-And to Denise who was waiting to get her hair colored at the Walmart hair care center: thank you for your kind words as well. Denise told me that I, “was too young to appreciate the 80’s, but my haircut would make the decade proud.” I responded with, “mam, I appreciate the compliment, but let’s be honest, I look like an idiot.” She fired back, “You don’t look like an idiot! It looks good! And look at those cute curls on the end. You don’t look like an idiot, sweetie.” Well, Denise most likely wasn’t telling a blatant lie, but because she actually thinks my mullet looks good…I feel sorry for her.
-Upon leaving Walmart, I felt different. I saw the look in the folks’ eyes that passed me. The looks varied from, “This fella ain’t right. Bless his little heart” to “This guy looks pissed. He’s only 5’7”, but I don’t think I should mess with him” to “Look at this idiot.”
-After walking through the Walmart parking lot, I hopped into my good ol' buddy, Ian Bowman's truck. After he stopped laughing, he got serious. He said, “That actually looks natural for you.” I haven’t yet decided if I am offended or honored by that comment. Either way, it was unexpected.

-The mullet has its positives. It is a symbol of freedom and rebellion in the South. It says, “I have a Constitutional right to wear my hair however I choose, and if I choose to ‘chop the top and let the back rock’ then I can damn well do it.” It also says, “I love NASCAR, country music, bug zappers, and duct tape.” That’s me alright.

-The mullet certainly has its negatives as well. Unfortunately it also sometimes says, “I didn’t have enough money for a full haircut and this is what happened.” Unfortunately, it sometimes says, “I dislike minorities, queers, yankees, smart people, people with good hygiene, and wealthy people.” I’m not down with all that stuff, so for those reasons I’m looking forward to ditching the mullet.

-Beyond the positives and negatives is the awesomeness of the mullet. The mullet is a cultural phenomenon, and if anything it expresses that one really doesn’t give a dang. I’m down with that. It’s hard to explain exactly what makes the mullet awesome, but every time we see one, we point and either laugh or exclaim, “That. Is. Awesome.” Sometimes we do both. So with that, I’m going to go outside into the world for my normal afternoon run. Whatever happens, happens. The mullet is undoubtedly an established piece of Americana, and for that reason I am proud to wear it.

Olympic Breakdown (8-10-08)

-By the time you read this, the medal counts will already be outdated and inaccurate, but we’ve got to have some Olympic coverage on Muffin Matters, right? Actually, we probably don’t need any Olympic coverage at all. We’re in America. Here in America, we only care about 2 things: College sports and the “World Championships” handed out by professional leagues that are completely housed within the borders of the USA and Canada…What a joke. Where are we at in society? Why don’t we care about the Olympics? I’m not going to sit here and analyze that question, because I don’t have enough time. I’m just going to give you my Olympic breakdown.

-We’ll start with the overall medal count. China has 8 and the US has 8, but China has 6 golds while we only have 2. South Korea also has more golds than the US with 3. Let’s get something straight: gold is all that matters. If you ain’t first, you’re last. 2nd place is the 1st loser. And third place…third place? Who cares? Four of America’s 8 medals are bronze. WEAK! They should give them back or sell them on Ebay. Perhaps you’re saying, “Well I’d like to see you win a medal in the Olympics, Casey.” Shut up. It’s not like you’ve never criticized talented athletes before. And besides, if I were a highly tuned Olympic athlete, I wouldn’t have time to provide you with these blogs each week. Going by the OVERWHELMING positive response I’ve received from Americana Monday readers this year, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this column.

-Back to the medal count. So South Korea has 5 medals in all, putting them in third place. Italy and Russia have 4 medals a piece, and Japan, France, and North Korea each have 3 medals. The former Soviet Union would be ashamed with Russia’s Olympic performance so far. Back in the day, the Soviets basically started a child’s Olympic training as soon as they exited their mother’s womb.

-To the French now; I don’t expect much from them in these Olympics. Maybe they should stop smoking so many of those girly cigarettes (you know; the ones that look like Virginia Slims). When it comes to athletics, would anybody even care about France if not for the Tour de France? I don’t think so. And when they play soccer internationally…what a bunch of wimps. They do nothing but flop. This is pretty much the wrap on any international “futbol.” For those of you waiting for soccer to catch on in America...bless your little hearts; you’re so cute and naive.

-I see Germany is way down on the list with one crappy bronze medal. Maybe Barak Obama will make one more international stop and come by the German locker room to give them another inspirational pep talk.

-Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s country of origin, has one silver medal. I think the Austrians are currently lobbying the Olympic committee to make “Flexing” and Olympic sport, but until that day comes, they’ll have to settle for success in the winter games only.

-Lastly, it looks like a butt load of countries (19 in fact) like Turkey, Uzbekistan, Algeria, and Zimbabwe have 1 medal a piece. Are the Olympics sort of like the SAT? Do you get one medal just for signing in?

-What can we expect and hope for, for America? Well, all of us should start drafting our “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps right now. He is going to single handedly keep us in the medal chase with his swimming expertise. I’m not taking anything for granted with the US basketball team. It may appear as if they all have their heads screwed on properly right now, but we’ll see what happens. Those arrogant, selfish, overpaid pricks better suck it up and play team ball for a change, or their going to get embarrassed again. International basketball isn’t what it once was. The NBA style of play doesn’t even come close to getting it done against the well-oiled machines the US is going to be up against. If the “Redeem Team” fails though, the blame won’t fall squarely on the shoulders of the players. We all know that it will mainly fall on the shoulders of USA head coach, Mike Krewqioewrnflzjfiozdklfweixwhatever-shef-ski.

-That’s it for the Olympic break down. Have a nice day.

The Wild West

“People are too dagum soft these days. If you have a problem with somebody, or if somebody ticks you off, you ought to be able to challenge them to a gunfight. Problem solved. Unless that is, you’re too slow. And if you’re too slow, you shouldn’t go around starting gunfights.”
-Greg Johnston, North Little Rock, AR

-This week we’re going to talk about the philosophy of the Old West. My fascination with the Old West stems from my interest in western movies, especially those that star John Wayne. The philosophy of the Old West is simple, but not very feasible. It's fun to think about though.

-The philosophy of the Old West is well summed up in the opening quote from my boss over here in Arkansas. It’s rough, it’s tough, and if you’ve got a problem with somebody, you take care of it. There’s more to it than just gunfights though. Let’s see; there’s whiskey drinking, piano playing, cattle driving, exploring, family raising, farming, wanted posters, poker games, living the manifest destiny, and countless other things I don’t have time to list.

-Like anything, the philosophy of the Old West has its positives and it has its negatives. Sure, the modern life we enjoy today may seem 1,000 times better than the way people lived in the 19th century, but let’s just throw everything on the table and re-evaluate for the heck of it.

THE GOOD: Every young boy at some point has thrown on a cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowboy fighting off bandits and rounding up herds on the cattle drive. The Old West was adventurous, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. At that time in American history, the western part of the nation was still being settled, and one could set out in any direction they chose trying to find good land and a great life.

T-he cowboys of the Old West also knew how to party. We have them to thank for something men still do today: gather, drink, and play poker. However, their carrying of guns made each game a bit more volatile than ours today. I know what some of you may be thinking. “Not everybody carried guns in the Old West.” That’s true, but not carrying a gun in Wild West would be about as stupid as not wearing a seatbelt in a NASCAR race.

-There was little or no nonsense in the Old West. First and foremost, there were no hippies. That’s a big plus in my book. Also, if you tried to explain the concept of being “politically correct” to someone in the Old West, they would laugh at you and spit tobacco in your eye. Then, they would hop on their horse and say “how’s that for ‘politically correct’” as they rode away laughing and hollering with their posse while they fired rifles aimlessly into the air.

-Let’s not forget about the railroad. Today we’ve got the interstate system; back then they were working on the Trans-Continental Railroad, and it was something else. It was completed in 1869, and it could get you just about anywhere you wanted to go. The railroad helped to develop areas economically. It helped outlaws escape the law, and it provided a good target for them as well. The railroad also helped the good guys chase down and catch the outlaws.

-And the women…oh boy! Have you seen many westerns? Those girls knew how to dress. They proved that more is less. However, you would have wanted to stay away from the “friendly” women that lived on the second floor of the saloon. They were naughty. Very, very naughty.

THE BAD: In the Wild West you always had to be on the look out for bandits! We have enough bank robberies here in the 21st century. Lack of electronic security and technology made it a lot easier to get away with stealing dough back then. In the Old West you were better off burying your gold and money in a box way out past the big rock, beyond the Devil’s Canyon, right under the big oak tree, along the river.

-Even though the Wild West provided a fantastic opportunity for exploration and adventure, it also provided a fantastic opportunity to get lost and never be heard of again. That’s right; lots of folks took off and were never heard of again. ANYTHING could have happened to them: a bear attack; a failed attempt at “fording” the river; lack of food; dysentery; losing a gunfight; winning a gunfight, but then being shot from behind by the loser’s low-down sidekick; a fall into a canyon; a snake bite; getting hit by Doc Brown’s Delorean while he’s on one of his crazy time travel trips to the Wild West; dehydration, or an American badger attack.

THE UGLY: We touched on dysentery already, but the wide array of other diseases and the lack of advanced medicine is a crucial short coming of the Wild West. People died all the time! A lot of times when someone died, it was blamed on “The Fever” or the “Yellow Fever” but they actually died of various illnesses that couldn’t be properly diagnosed at the time.

-Conflict with Native Americans is another sad and upsetting element of the Wild West. “Manifest Destiny” is a term you hear often in regards to continued settlement towards the West…but there were some folks that were already there. This resulted in some conflict. It was indeed ugly. Sometimes relations were peaceful, but more often than not, there was some fighting. Trust was hard to gain by both parties. The whole situation is very difficult to analyze without bias or conflicting emotions, so we’re just going to leave it alone.

-Lastly, there were drunks. “We have drunks today!” you might say. At least today, a much smaller percentage of drunks walk around strapped with revolvers.

-So there you have a very, very abbreviated synopsis of philosophy and ways of the Old West. I think I would have loved it…as long as I could avoid all the deadly stuff. No risk, no reward, right? There’s lots of stuff that can kill you today too. I’m going to grab some Wild Turkey and a gun, and then I’m going to head over to Doc Brown’s house to party. We’ll see what happens.