Farewell Michael, Farrah, and Billy

--Unfortunately, there’s one heck of a celebrity skeleton slumber party going on after last week. We lost 3, count’em 3 American cultural Icons. Let’s get to it.
Ever watched a baseball game where a batter is on fire? Multiple home runs, maybe a grand slam in there. And then…the next batter digs in, and everyone thinks or says, “That’s impossible to follow. Sucks to be that guy.” This is the feeling I got when I found out Billy Mays died in the same week as Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. I was riding in the back of a Ford Explorer, on the way back from one of America’s finest vacation spots, Myrtle Beach. Riding along S.C. #9 (I think), My friend shouted, “Billy Mays is dead?! This is ridiculous!”

--My friend’s Blackberry did not lie. Our favorite late night/Saturday morning pitchman was gone; “gone to the giant toll-free zone in the sky.” He “expired,” “cashed in,” and “departed.” Perhaps another one of my friends said it best via Facebook: “Goodbye Billy Mays. I’ll miss you yelling at me at 3 in the morning.” Indeed we will.

--Mays was such an anomaly. He was a salesman. But, people liked him. As Americans, we generally hate salesmen, right? Businesses and housing developments prove it with big signs that say, “NO SOLICITING.” When telemarketers call our homes, some of us unleash hell upon them verbally. When we see people handing out fliers, we immediately audible from a fly-route to a slant. These are things that make me love America. We can be contradictory in our ideas and values. We despise salesmen. But, we liked Mays. I never bought Mighty Putty, Mighty Mend-it, or CLR, but daggum, I loved hearing Mays talk about them. You know; he used every product he sold. He said so.

--Farrah Fawcett is the one of the three that I find hardest to take lightly. In all actuality, I shouldn’t take any of their deaths lightly, but public figures seem surreal to begin with (to me anyways). Fawcett died last Thursday after a 3-year fight with cancer. She “checked out,” “met her end,” and “passed on to the great beyond.” Charlie’s Angels put Fawcett on the map, although one could argue she put Charlie’s Angels on the map. She also co-starred in one of my favorite films of all time, The Apostle. In The Apostle, she had an affair while married to Robert Duvall’s character. What a great flippin’ movie…Anyway, from what I’ve read and seen, Fawcett was never overly extravagant or flighty like so many other celebrities. An absolute American icon in the 60s and 70s. She had an impact on young people in later decades as well. It’s a shame her untimely death was overshadowed.

--Michael Jackson. Where do you start with Michael Jackson? I’ll try. Tremendously talented. Amazing musical and singing skills. Equally impressive dancing moves. Friendly. Philanthropic… …Lunatic.

--Jackson died last Thursday at his home. He “met his maker,” “hung up his hat,” “went belly up,” and “ceased.” I was least affected by his passing in comparison to the other 2 we’ve discussed. Yes, Jackson had good music. Not great in my opinion. Yes, good dancer. But, good dancing is for fairies and women only. Who am I to comment on Michael Jackson, since I never met the guy? Well, nearly 20 years of court cases and acquisitions make it fairly clear I would never want Michael Jackson around any child I know. And if you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. If you say and truly believe that you would let Jackson spend time alone with your children or young relatives, then you deserve a mental evaluation of the most thorough variety. People were coming up with dead Michael Jackson jokes 10 years ago. Did you notice how quickly these jokes made everyday conversation? There’s usually a “WHOA, WHOA, A-HOLE! TOO SOON,” period that lasts at least a week. Nuh-uh, not with Jackson. People were cracking jokes that night. Sad but true. Sad. But. True.

--In all honesty, the guy was a weirdo. He had a deeper voice when he was 12 than he did when he was 40. That’s not normal. He looked non-human. YES, I know he reportedly had a skin disease. Let’s say that’s true…He could have afforded a better plastic surgeon. It looked like Ren and Stimpy were his plastic surgeons. Basically, from what I read and saw, I thought him to be very odd, and someone I didn’t care to meet. As Kat Williams, the comedian, pointed out. Michael Jackson had children with a white woman, and they were completely white. No way. We’re not that stupid. He once hung a baby over a balcony. Somehow he managed to dig himself into 400 million or more dollars in debt. How the hell do you do that if you’re bringing in money like Michael Jackson? How do you do that? I’ll tell you how. By being a complete and total moron and by putting your pee-pee and hands where they don’t belong. That’s how. To all MJ fans, I’m sorry if I have offended you; truly I am. Let me be absolutely clear, I’m not happy that he passed away. It’s just that I’m not upset. Is that wrong?