NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL REPORT (taken from Saturday's edition): Muffin Matters administration battles recession

December 06, 2008
DURHAM, NC
--The ever-worsening national recession has finally reached the front office of Muffin Matters LLC. CEO Casey Sturgill finally addressed the media Saturday morning after a 2-month long website absence.
--"I apologize to the loyal readers of Muffin Matters. In these bleak economic times, the one thing we can't stand to lose is a steady dose of Americana. We have not been providing that, and I take full responsibly for this situation" said Sturgill during a brief but upbeat press conference in Durham, North Carolina late Friday night.
--Sturgill cited the growing employment crisis as the primary culprit of Muffin Matters' recent inefficiency. Every staff member at Mufffin Matters LLC is part-time, and Sturgill said his employees are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. As a result, the staff has been unable to meet previous quotas. Sturgill himself had been out of work since September 15th. He has recently been employed at a local landscaping company, but his period of unemployment nearly brought Muffin Matters to its knees. Sources say Sturgill battled mental instability after failing a Walmart assesment for employment. Walmart officials were contacted in late November. They told reporters that Sturgill had contacted them on several occassions angry and seemingly drunk. "He told us that Arkansas (Walmarts home state) sucks, and that it should be nuked off the face of the planet. We also believe that he is the one that called us 12 nights in a row asking if our refrigerators were running. And we're fairly certain, due to similar slurring speech patterns, that he is the one who called twice asking for a full refund for his entire life-spendings at our store because he said we were hippies. Had to be him."
--Sturgill denies Walmart's claims but does admit failing the presumably elementary and simple employee assesment test. "To those that say Walmart ruined my life...Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. Am I pissed? Sure I'm pissed. A drunken monkey with a reading disability could pass that exam, and I failed it. However, that is not the reason I shut myself off from the world wide net web for 2 months." Sturgill was removed from the podium shortly after his comments on Walmart due to what appeared to be an emotional breakdown.
--The exact size of Muffin Matters LLC is unknown and Sturgill once again refused to directly address that issue. When asked how many Americans Muffin Matters LLC employs, Sturgill responded, "Pick a number between 1 and 10."
--The size of Muffin Matters LLC has been an issue before. In August of 2007, the IRS threatened to levy steep fines on the company, but Sturgill and the IRS settled the dispute outside of court over a cup of coffee and a screening of "True Grit" starring John Wayne. An IRS spokesman later said, "We like the way he thinks. We're going to give him another shot. Worse case scenario, we demand another meeting just to see what spectacular classic American film he chooses to have coffee over."
--New posts are expected on the website within 48 hours, and Sturgill pledged to sell his majority ownership of the LLC if that deadline is not met.

-Hugh Damnright, The New York Times
-for more updates stay posted at http://www.nytimes.com/jk/lol!/omg/wtf