Green, Yellow, Roll Tide

After arriving in Tuscaloosa on August 10th, it took me approximately 48 hours to realize that something was different around this town. It was quickly apparent that driving to and fro required more attention and diligence than in my previous cities of residence. First of all, the roads here are not as well maintained as they are in North Carolina. For that matter, I don’t think any other state in the south has roads as well kept as those in NC. For God’s sake, North Carolinians pay an arm and a leg on gas tax at the pumps, so they better get something in return. The roads though, aren’t the main problem down here in ‘Bama. Nope, the main problem is a cultural phenomenon that I have yet to get to the bottom of.

I’m talking about the alarming frequency at which these psychopaths run red lights. The first full day I was down here, I noticed one or two cars running red lights at major intersections. I thought to myself, “look as this guy; what an idiot.” Now, running red lights is by no means a rare occasion anywhere. But, everywhere else I’ve been, it has been uncommon enough to elicit a response from drivers and passengers each time it happens. Well, down here, running red lights doesn’t draw a response…it’s freakishly normal. I thought I was going crazy until the 3rd week of the semester when my sport law professor went off on a tangent about drivers in Tuscaloosa. He said, “This is one of the worst places I’ve ever seen when it comes to daggum idiots running red lights.” I can’t express how relieved I was to hear someone else mention this; I wasn’t going crazy. Since the professor threw it out there, I started asking several people about it, and they agreed with my assessment. However, some of them said they really hadn’t given it much though until I brought it up. Apparently it’s such a way of life down here that’s it goes unnoticed.

Now that I know how things go around town, I know to give it a couple of seconds before I hit the accelerator coming off a green light. It’s comical really. When my brother came to visit, I told him about the red light running, and I’m not sure if he believed me at first. But sure enough, the first time we got caught at a light, I told him to wait and watch. Sure enough, 2 cars flew under a red light right on cue.

I have seen police at these same intersections when a car runs a red light…and they do nothing. So why is this? I have a couple of theories. 1. There are a crap-ton of stoplights in Tuscaloosa, and it seems possible that people just get fed up and say, “kiss my ass, I’m not stopping.” 2. A terrible rash of red-green color blindness in the region…along with up/down dyslexia. 3. They see “red” and think crimson causing them to undergo a sudden rush and push their pedal to the metal while yelling “Rolllllllllllll Tide!”

Either way, what's really important here is that everyone in Tuscaloosa was probably awful at the kids' game "red light-green light." Tragic.

Top 10 American Songs: 5-1

Before moving on to the top-5, a couple of things. Be sure to click the song title if you want to see the music video for each one. Next, it's time that all the honorable mentions be acknowledged. So, here’s the list of those that just missed: “Fireflies” (Owl City), “Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison),“Happy Birthday to You” (Preston Ware Orem), “Papa was a Rolling Stone” (The Temptations), “Can’t Touch This” (MC Hammer), “He Stopped Loving Her Today” (George Jones), “Folsom Prison Blues” (Johnny Cash), “What’s Going On” (Marvin Gaye), “Respect” (Aretha Franklin), “Like a Rolling Stone” (Bob Dylan), “Bridge over Troubled Water” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Hotel California” (The Eagles), “Superstition” (Stevie Wonder), “Great Balls of Fire” (Jerry Lee Lewis), “Mrs. Robinson” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Lose Yourself” (Eminem), “Proud to be an American” (Lee Greenwood…best performed by William Speight and Casey Sturgill at the Thorpe/Burleson wedding).

Now on to those that really matter.
5. “Ring of Fire”-Johnny Cash (1963)

No music countdown would be complete without “The Man in Black.” Cash was known for his hard country sound that some classified as “Rockabilly.” What exactly is “rockabilly”? We don’t have the time to digress, and I really don’t know anyway.

“Ring of Fire” was co-written by Cash and his last wife, June Carter Cash. The two filled up newscasts in 2003 when June died in May (no pun) of that year. Not to be outdone, Johnny kicked the bucket just four months later in September. Naturally all the adoring fans insisted June was getting lonely up in heaven, and Johnny was getting lonely down on Earth…Problem solved.

Bottom line; this is the 5th of the first 6 songs in the countdown to have a deceased singer. When you die, you fly in American pop culture, baby.

Johnny said he got the idea for the mariachi-style horns “in a dream with a Mexican theme.” Love Cash to death, but I’m guessing this dream occurred before he dropped the booze and cocaine. Turned out great, though! The song has been covered and majorly released by over 50 artists, making it one of the most industry-popular songs on the list.

4. “Ain’t too Proud to Beg”-The Temptations (1966)

Songs from Motown could have filled this list, but I tried to pick one of the finest. This is one you all should have heard, even if you’re from my generation. Movies and TV shows use the tune quite often, and it gets played on Oldies radio stations religiously. In fact, it is CURRENTLY one of the most requested songs on oldies stations today. The most requested song on oldies radio, in case you were wondering, is “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” by Elliot Lurie and Looking Glass. The source of my information you may ask; the syndicated “True Oldies Channel.”

“Ain’t too Proud to Beg” was the product of several Motown all-stars including Smokey Robinson, Norman Whitfield, and of course The Temptations. The producers, songwriters, and artists would often meet in their “Hitsville, USA” offices to go over songs and perfect their latest works. The fact that they were involved with an organization called “Hitsville, USA” pushed the Temptations way up this list. The song peaked at 13 on the overall Billboard chart and remained number 1 on the R&B chart for eight weeks in ‘66.

And in case you’re wondering about the death tally, many of the Temptations have come and gone on this great, green earth. Of the 17 members that have been a part of The Temptations at some time or another, eight are dead. Of the original five who were responsible for “Ain’t too Proud to Beg,” four have checked out including David Ruffin, Melvin Franklin, Paul Williams, and Eddie Kendricks. Otis Williams stands alone; for now.

3. “Sweet Home Alabama”-Lynyrd Skynyrd (1974)

Did you think I would go through this countdown without paying homage to my current state of residence? Wasn’t gonna happen. Even without my current address being considered, “Sweet Home Alabama” should make the top-ten. Debatable? Maybe for you. It’s my number three.

This song is synonymous with outdoor sporting events as well as any outdoor event where people like to party. For a song that is seemingly void of much meaning, there’s a lot behind it.

Like Johnny Cash’s epiphany, the rift for the song came to bassist Ed King in a dream. I’ve never once had a dream with awesome rifts playing in my head. I’ve also never had a dream that propelled me to national fame. I guess some people have it, and some people don’t. Or maybe, it’s just some people use heavy drugs and some people don’t. I don’t know.

Moving on. In the studio version that most of you have probably heard, you hear the song open with lead singer Ronnie Van Zant saying, “Turn it up.” Interestingly enough, this was just a recording mistake that they decided to keep in because it fit. Van Zant was simply telling the producer to bump up his headphones during the recording. So far, this song has been carried by a dream and a recording mistake. Makes me think I’m in the wrong business.

The meat of the song is much more thought out. Neil Young wrote and sang the song “Southern Man” which took on many problems in the South, most notably slavery and the debt that Young believed African Americans were owed. Skynyrd lead singer, Van Zant wrote “Sweet Home Alabama” as a response to Young’s overwhelmingly negative take on the South. It’s important to note that Van Zant wasn’t supporting slavery or past abuse with the song. As he put it, “We thought Neil was shooting all the ducks in order to kill one or two.” This is absolutely the most historically interesting song on the countdown in my opinion. The debate that Van Zant and Neil Young were having wasn’t too drastically different than the much more polished musings of W.J. Cash who wrote “The Mind of the South,” and the Southern Agrarians who wrote many manuscripts supporting the ideals of the American South (but not slavery). W.J. Cash ran down the south much like Young did. The Agrarians admitted a gross error in judgment on the issue of slavery, but insisted the other ways of the South were worth preserving and would lead to better lives.

Neil Young, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and “Sweet Home Alabama”; they’re as far as you need to go when trying to understand the complex history of the South. Who knew?

2. “Fortunate Son” – Creedence Clearwater Revival (Summer of ’69)

Another great song with American historic relevance. John Fogerty, lead singer and writer, explained in several interviews that he saw Richard Nixon’s daughter hanging out with Dwight Eisenhower’s son at a fancy function. Fogerty was disgusted because neither were going to be adversely affected (if at all) by the Vietnam War. Fogerty was against the war in Vietnam and more recently became outspoken against the war in Iraq.

I’ve heard many folks say that CCR’s hit is not patriotic. I disagree completely. I believe the more correct assessment would be that it is not a ringing government endorsement. But, I think it absolutely qualifies as patriotic, because Fogerty was speaking to an injustice that he thought to be great at the time. He didn’t think it fair for the poor folks to be getting drafted to fight while the “fortunate sons” sat at home playing Tidily Winks.

Rolling stone ranked the song as their 99th best of all time. Similar to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” Fogerty’s “Fortunate Son” has been covered and sampled by many different artists in different genres ranging from .38 Special to Wyclef Jean. Popular culture has taken to the song as well. Wrangler pumped the jam in a line of commercials aimed at promoting a new style of jeans. Wrangler smartly avoided the controversial lyrics. The song was also featured in Forest Gump and Live Free or Die Hard. Hard to find another song on the list that is more qualified to make the top ten.

1. “Fire and rain”-James Taylor (1970)

What an amazing song. Taking a look back through the list, I believe this song has the most powerful lyrics of any other listed. Most, if not all of us, can relate to this song in one way or another. A common theme is advanced urging the listener to take no day, no one, no thing for granted. Many, MANY writers have taken this song head on to dissect it and delve into its deepest meanings. That’s what sets “Fire and Rain” apart. It’s fantastic on many different levels. Great to listen to, good lyrics, and meaningful. Not to mention CAROLINA’S own James Taylor is responsible! Speaking of which; Town of Chapel Hill, please listen to me. Find a better bridge to name after this man than the one on S. Columbia that crosses over 15-501. In fact, find something better altogether to name after this man.

Back to the song. First of all, Rolling Stone had no clue about what they were doing when they ranked it way down at 227 out of 500 of the greatest songs of all time. Clearly belongs much higher. Admittedly, just my opinion, and Rolling Stone, I’ve heard, is a bit of an authority in such matters. Oh well.

What exactly is it about? Who was it written for? Theories abound, and Taylor himself has given mixed answers on the subject, but it seems clear that the friend he expected to see again was Suzanne Schnerr who died in a plane crash. In an NPR interview, Taylor also said that it was partly about his struggle to get over drugs and alcohol. Lastly, the song was an attempt in part for Taylor to try and deal with his own fame which wasn’t always pleasant and enjoyable.

You can find the tune on the album Sweet Baby James. Awesome to end with a fantastic Carolina alum who grew up right in Carrboro. For some ungodly reason, he now resides in the northeast, but I won’t hold it against him. Nobody’s perfect.

Thanks for reading and to borrow from the psycho, Lout Holts, I would like to tell you this. If you like Americana with the Muffin, drive with your headlights on during the day to show your support. If you don’t like American with the Muffin, drive with your headlights off at night.

C-Ya later alligators!

Top 10 American Songs: 10-6

--It’s time for a friggin’ countdown! The first countdown we ever had on MM was the top-5 American Animals. That was tons of fun, so why not try another? Today we’re going to discuss something that’s much more likely to create debate and elicit opinions. I’m going to give you what I believe are the top-5 AMERICAN songs of all time.
--Here’s a quick list of artists you won’t find in this post: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Def Leopard, Genesis or Phil Collins.
--Our heavy-hitting headbangers will be pissed because Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, The Scorpions, Lordi, and The Ting-Tings are all disqualified.
I regret to inform you that the man, the myth, the legend, Rockin’ Rod Stewart is ineligible along with U2, Elton John, Coldplay and The Who.
--I rejoice to tell you that there’s no chance of ABBA, David Bowie, The Eurythmics, or Madonna making the list, either. “Madonna is American,” you may retort. True, but her music sucks. And as far as I’m concerned she’s a Frenchy, Canadian, or North Korean in disguise.
--For a second, that list may make you wonder if America actually has any good music for itself. Well don’t worry patriots. America’s got plenty. Of course.
To the countdown!

10. “Paradise City”-Guns N’ Roses (1988)

--“Paradise City.” Yes. Party time. We all like to party, or at least we should. This song was made for partying. When people use the term “party like a rock star” I immediately think of Axl Rose and Guns N’ Roses. Rose, the primary writer of the song’s lyrics was unclear about the place referred to as “Paradise City.” Was it Los Angeles? Panama City? Fayetteville, North Carolina? We’re really not sure. We are sure that partying is American and therefore, so is this song. Top-Ten American? Yeah, I think so.

9. “Don’t Stop Believing”-Journey (1981)

--The title itself reflects an absolutely American theme. To achieve the American dream, you’ve got to do what? You gotta keep believing, baby. We’ve all be in situations where this song was especially pertinent; that’s why it was a no doubter on the list.
--Anthem. That’s the best way to describe this song. Sports, business, love life, The Sopranos; this song is has been a theme song for them all. It’s especially awesome for me because it was the undisputed anthem of the UNC Club Baseball team that finally made the lyrics come to fruition with a 2007 national championship…Somewhere Michael Schuit and Brad Shinn are smiling.
--Parties, bars, weddings, graduations, you name it. This song fits them all. And everybody loves shouting the words at the top of their lungs to a greater extent than any other song I know.

8. “Changes”-Tupac (1998)

--Have you noticed that being dead certainly doesn’t hurt an artist’s chances of getting some recognition?
--Tupac Shakur talked about change way before Barak Obama did, but Shakur never saw a black man become president, as mentioned in the lyrics of this song. Really an incredible song that helped Shakur’s public image after his death. Shakur died in ’96 but this song didn’t get released until ’98 after lots of remixing and shuffling of verses. The song uses heavy samples from Bruce Hornsby’s ‘The Way It Is,’ but Shakur’s rapping is clearly the focal point. Powerful lyrics from a self-proclaimed “thug” trying to get by. To date, this is the only posthumously released song to be nominated for a Grammy in the “Best Rap Solo Performance” category-it lost to Eminem’s ‘My Name Is’.
--Racism, drugs, police brutality; this song has them all, and unfortunately they’re all a part of America.

7. “Smells Like Teen Spirit”-Nirvana (1991)

--The dead are piling up quick on this list. Quite a celebrity skeleton slumber party we’ve got going on here.
--Anyway, Simple four-chord riff, no earth-shattering lyrics, in fact no understandable lyrics, and not perceived by the band to be a hit. Some things just happen.
--Many reviews say it was representative of the new teen culture that was emerging in the early 90s. If you remember, that was the time of the so-called ‘Generation-X.’ I still resent that name. Anyway, this was a big part of a cultural shift in my opinion. Teens started to feel empowered for better or for worse (for worse in my opinion), and they’ve never looked back.
--Further adding to the song’s significance, it was considered by some to be one of the first songs of the genre entitled “alternative rock” (Rolling Stone). Rolling stone, in fact, named it the 9th greatest song of all time (the highest Rolling Stone rank of any song in the MM Top-Ten American Countdown).

6. “In the Ghetto”-Elvis Presley (1969) Note: The music video I have selected in no way represents the meaning of the song. Instead, it honors the great and mighty honey badger which is another blog altogether. Enjoy.

--Some of you will probably be offended that Elvis has only 1 song in the top ten. You could easily argue that he deserves more than 1 song on the list. One could also argue that if just one of Elvis’ songs were going to make the list, this shouldn’t be it. Well, counting down the greatest American songs isn’t easy, so back off.
--Elvis was and is an American icon. This song is about as relevant to the history and culture of America as any other you’ll find. The culture of “the ghetto” is usually ignored, forgotten, or shunned. For better or worse though, many, MANY ghettos exist. In this song Elvis sings about the plight of the poor inner-city mother who is blessed and cursed with a child. America, like Elvis, has shown a propensity towards sympathy for the poor, homeless, and hopeless. However, a proper solution has not been found; it probably never will be. The great American tragedy continues.

5-1 coming soon. Tell me if you disagree so far.

Life Without Cable

--I moved to Tuscaloosa. Really couldn’t swing paying for ridiculously over-priced cable. Two nights in, I thought I’d never make it. One week in, I KNEW I’d never make it. Two weeks in, I thought there was a chance. Three weeks in, I was done with it forever. Yeah, like forever-forever. I will never again give my money to Satan’s cohorts, ‘Time Warner’ and ‘Comcast.’

--People, I’m here today to tell you that life without cable is not only possible but enjoyable. After two weeks, you’re so out of the loop on all the shows that you just don’t care anymore. There’s much less to distract you when you don’t have cable. You can find yourself doing funny things like cleaning up, taking care of things that need to be done, being productive, even reading the news or reading a book.

--I think the main thing I would like to get across to you is this: The CEO’s of Time Warner, Comcast, Charter, etc. are probably going to hell. They pump out products that are NOWHERE near the value they charge for them. The service of each and every cable company is crappy because it doesn’t have to be good for people to buy it. Seriously, do you have any options when it comes to cable in your area? Sure, Direct TV and Dish Network but they are just the lesser of the evils. When you don’t have cable, you don’t miss it. Honest. You don’t. Stick it to the man, and drop your cable like Dalton drops low-lifes at the Road House.

--I will now analyze the pros and cons of cables in a completely non-scientific way:

PROS of having cable:
-John Wayne is usually on AMC every weekend at some point.
-The aforementioned “Road House” was on 1-2 times a week…even before Patrick Swayze said “Goodbye world. Hello Glory.”
-‘College Gameday’ on ESPN
-Sportscenter
-The SPEED Channel
-The show ‘Planet Earth’
-‘Saved by the Bell’ re-runs
-Cable is a way to escape reality and relax for a while

CONS of having cable:
-You’re exposed to the digital diarrhea that is MTV. Whether you know it or not, MTV eats your brain from the inside out. Stop now before it’s too late
-Bill O’Reilly
-Keith Olberman (yeah, both of them are pricks)
-According to the Nielsen Company, Americans spend one-sixth of their time watching cable television. For those of you who don’t think this is a bad thing; re-evaluate your lives. Immediately.
-Just having cable TV is a proven risk factor of becoming obese

Say no to the devil, and reject cable. Kill your televisions before they kill you!

Don't Even Think About Working This Weekend

--Put another summer in the books. This weekend, we celebrate Labor Day and the great working spirit of America…At least what’s left of it. Over the last 30 years or so, there’s been quite a shift in American business culture. Thanks to our greedy society’s insistence on cutting cost of production via outsourcing and out-of-country labor, the American worker has become so jaded that the idea of “taking pride in your work” is almost out the door. Nobody works at a place for 30 years, collects their pension, and rides off into the sunset anymore. Instead we’re forced to jump from job to job with social security and taxes making it hard to actually plan for retirement. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t think Labor Day is a very special holiday anymore. Other than its un-official secondary function as the end of summer, it’s pretty worthless to me. In case you’re not sold on my analysis of the holiday, consider this: It originated in Canada. True story. Don’t shoot the messenger.

--Anyway, let’s focus on the only attractive part of Labor Day which is its significance as the un-official end of summer. Our days at the pool are numbered, as well as our days at the beach. Front-porch sitting will soon be replaced by gathering around the fire. Sun-bathing will be replaced by throwing on extra layers. Sayings such as “I’m sweating like Bill Clinton at an intern orientation dinner,” and “It’s hot enough out here to melt Michael Jackson’s face,” will soon be replaced with “It’s cold enough out here to freeze my whiskey” or “I’m colder than a playmate on a skiing trip.” Lastly, seeing as how it’s Labor Day, for God’s sakes ladies, don’t wear white anymore this year.

--Hopefully you all had a terrific summer. I learned, discovered, and determined several things over the past 3 months or so.

1. Working with kids is good for your mental health. Sure, the “I-pissed-my-pants brigade” gets a bum rap sometimes, but they’ve got many more positives than they do negatives. While coaching the 9-10 year-old Chapel Hill Reds with 3 of my friends, one of the players informed Coach John that he was “an amphibian.” This should not be confused as a reference to a couple of former NBA players that insisted they were amphibians because they could dribble with both hands. No, I don’t believe the young man on our team was referring to be ambidextrous. He was asserting that he was indeed an amphibian…like a frog…or a lizard.

--While working at the YMCA early this summer, I was introduced to new word while playing UNO. Here was the situation. I had one card left, and the young man to my left said the following statement before playing a draw-4 card, “Well this is gonna to be fun fo’ me and punishment fo’ you. I’ll call it Fun-ishment!”

--Also at the YMCA this year, I got to enjoy what happens when children don’t know what to do with all their energy. One day I was talking to my middle schoolers on the playground. They were seated and about to use a kick ball which was sitting on the ground beside me. A kid that was about 5 or 6 ran over screaming and kicked the ball as hard as he could. He immediately silenced himself and stared at me for 3 seconds before promptly turning around and running away.

2. The Chicago Cubs no longer deserve unconditional support from their fans and from especially me. This loveable losers image is for fairies. Let’s be honest, it sure as hell hasn’t worked the last 100 years. The fact that some of the players have complained about the fans at Wrigley this year has ticked me off a tad. Milton Bradley and the like have cried because they feel there’s hatred directed at the Cubs for not winning…Yeah. Because you’re a bunch of overpaid schmucks who play in front of a packed house that has gotten tired of giving endless support in exchange for you sucking. Grow a set. And any “true Cubs fan” who wants to tell me I’m out of line can shove it; I don’t associate with losers. Current Cubs fans, listen carefully to me. Don’t sit back and act like everything’s going to be ok. Lots of fans throughout the 1900s took this approach…and they’re dead now. Thank goodness, I’ve got the Tar Heels to fall back on for some winning. Congrats to the Diamond Heels on another awesome season.

--I learned more stuff this summer. I’ll get back to it in a day or two. In the meantime, it’s Labor Day weekend. Let’s party.

If This Post Were A 'Jeopardy' Category, It Would Be Called "POTPOURRI"

---Tuscaloosa and the University of Alabama continue to impress. There are enough country stations around here to fill up 2 pre-set lists on my car radio. Today’s country, yesterday’s country, the newbies, the oldies. You name it, I got it, all in the comfort of my 2001, 4-cylinder, front-wheel-drive Black Stallion- Nissan Sentra. If you sometimes feel out of place because of your love for honky tonk music and PBR beer; If brushing your teeth sometimes strikes you as a nuisance; If you believe tobacco is a vegetable; If reading novels makes you vomit; If your idea of “Progressive Talk” is this week’s NASCAR starting grid; If you believe Okra is an odd variation of Fried Okra…Consider joining me in Alabama.

---In the “Muffin should have known this” Department, we have this: Eli Gold is the voice of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team. I certainly should have known this, but as it stands, it’s a fantastic surprise. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli Gold; he is the owner of the soothing radio voice that talks left turns on “NASCAR Live” each week. A bona fide American.

---Everybody in Tuscaloosa is counting down to the September 5th college football kickoff game between the Crimson Tide and the Virginia-Tech Hokies. As a Tar Heel, I would love to see Alabama knock the poo-poo out of V-tech. Forget about the ACC trying to “represent.” I’m tired of the Virginia Tech football team, and I’m especially tired of the term “Beamer Ball,” which apparently means “No National Championship Ball.” Naturally the angered V-tech fan will respond, “Hey a-hole, Carolina’s never won a national championship in football.” Correct. But we don’t run around calling it “Butch Ball,” now do we?

***There’s other stuff happening outside of T-town and Chapel Hill believe it or not. Everybody’s favorite rich redneck, Jerry Jones has really done it this time. The world’s largest HD-TV resides in the new Cowboys Stadium. It sports a hefty price tag of 40 million dollars. And, it’s also too flippin’ low. Hit by a Titans punter last week, Jerry Jones insists that the little prick was kicking straight up and did it on purpose. Ohhhhhhhh, ok Jerry. So, as long as punters don’t try to hit the big screen, it won’t be an issue. Gotcha’ buddy. That screen’s just fine as is. Don’t change a thing…except the way games are played in your venue.

***Did you all hear about this story that claims 90% of US currency has traces of cocaine?! Do you think maybe the Dallas Cowboys and their teams of the last 2 decades had anything to do with this? Just wondering.

^^^According to this story from ESPN.com, Florida International is shocked and appalled that they have been scheduled to take on the Heels for their 2009-2010 basketball season opener. "We will not be bullied into a unilateral decision to play North Carolina after we already agreed to play Ohio State," Pete Garcia, FIU Athletic Director, said. HA! What- A -Fairy. I hope FIU head coach Isiah Thomas embraces the challenge unlike his neutered boss. Could you ever imagine an up-and-coming program at UNC like the football team, for instance, being thrown into a game against a powerhouse like Texas or USC? And then, could you imagine Dick Baddour saying, “Hey! Hey! Heyyyyy! Nuh-uh. I don’t think so mister.” Nah, we can’t imagine that. Because he’s a man.

~~~Lastly, from KTLA in Los Angeles I read this: The crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s remains has been sold for 4.6 million dollars, on eBay. The reasoning? Well, the old bat whose husband was resting there decided she wanted to pay off her home in Beverly Hills. So. She just decided to move her husband’s remains from above Ms. Monroe, and sell the spot. The winner on eBay (drum roll please)…Someone who goes by the initials, “O.S.” Listen, it’s a free country, obviously. But, if I had 4.6 million dollars set aside for the purpose of being placed on top of a woman, I’d want that woman and myself to be alive…very alive.

Breaking news about Brett Favre...And it isn't pretty

--The Brett Favre firestorm has begun again. Since Favre’s first retirement and comeback, I’ve gone from interested, to entertained, to anxious, to confused, to annoyed, to interested, to annoyed. It’s very easy to be ticked off due to the seemingly never-ending saga that is Brett Favre’s playing career. However, I have to wonder what it would be like to have a microphone in my face every second of every day while trying to make a major life decision. You know how it is when you’re making a really tough decision that could go either way, right? You go back and forth. You’re certain of one thing one minute, and certain of another thing the next. Now, imagine the media asking you what you were thinking a thousand times a day…I could hypothetically see myself doing what Brett Favre has done. That being said, the media coverage has undoubtedly been annoying and way too extensive.

--While we all have our opinions on Favre’s retirements and comebacks, that’s not the primary purpose of this column. The reason I’m writing is that I have to pass along a premonition I received recently in regards to Brett Favre…and it isn’t pretty. Now, now, once you read this, don’t go off thinking I’m some kind of sicko or maniac. I don’t want this to happen; I just think it may happen. Ok? So…

--I think the only fitting way for Brett Favre to end his ‘career’ is to be carted off the field. And when I say carted off the field, I mean carted off the field of life. I mean carted off for good. For good, good…Like ‘goodbye world, hello glory’-good. Like ‘lights out’-good. Like ‘skeleton slumber party’-good. I know it’s morbid, but come on, would it not be fitting? Let’s put this in perspective using another legend. I am a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt and his legacy, and I wish he was still with us today. I hate that he’s gone, and I wish I could still watch him on Sundays. But given the tragic circumstances, Dale went out rather fittingly, did he not? Nobody wanted to see Dale Earnhardt die of a heart attack or cancer. No. If Dale Earnhardt had to die (which was debatable until it actually happened), it had to be doing something manly and race-related. I’m afraid the same may be true for Favre and football.

--Anyway, Besides Jimmy Hoffa, who else belongs buried under a stadium? Brett friggin’ Favre, man! If something happens, he needs to be buried right under a 50-yard-line somewhere, somehow. It would be perfect and fitting. And, you could do a two-for-one on the burial and memorial service because you’d already be in a place with plenty of seats…right?

--I mean, I’m not saying---I’m just saying----Just think about it. I don’t want it to happen people. It just makes sense

Welcome To Tuscaloosa !

--After 4 days in Tuscaloosa, I feel qualified to write about it.

--First of all, to call Alabama a football state and Tuscaloosa a football town simply doesn’t do them justice. People that I’m meeting for the first time ever are asking, “are you ready for the game?” They’re referring to the September 5th matchup against Virginia-Tech. I’m trying to fit in, so I’ve been responding in this manner: “You know Hugh? …Hugh Damn Right! Let’s beat some Hokie ass, what’dya say?” These people have no interest whatsoever in college basketball, pro sports, or proper English, and I love it (except the distaste for college basketball of course). Back to proper English. In all seriousness, this is no small issue. In North Carolina, several people gave me a hard time for my southern accent and dialect. That’s ridiculous to me. You live in North Carolina people; southern accents happen.

--Continuing on now in stream-of-consciousness style: Got to go in Bryant-Denny Stadium (UA’s football stadium) today. Me and some other folks that were in a sales workshop decided to waltz our happy rear ends on to the playing field and the 50-yard line. This was really neat for 2 main reasons. 1: I was on the friggin’ 50-yard line of Alabama’s football field and 2. Most of the students I was with actually went to UA but they had never been on the field. Watching how ridiculously excited they were reminded me of seeing people hang out on the court of the Dean Dome for the first time. Really cool.

--My living arrangement has positives and negatives. It’s located near downtown Tuscaloosa on a road called Hackberry Lane. When people ask me where I live, I think I’m going to start calling it ‘The Hack Attack’ for 2 main reasons. 1: It sounds awesome. 2: Hackberry Lane sounds like a street in a horror movie. Think about it…If you were a serial killer, a road called “Hackberry Lane” would be a heck of a place to start.

--The apartment complex was built in the 1940’s so it’s kind of like hanging out at a grandparent or older relative’s place. It’s old-school for sure, and I like that. I mean, I'm living in an antique for goodness sake. Another thing that’s cool is that I can hear the marching band practicing each evening, and the football team actually practices less that 3/4 of a mile from here. All the residents here are graduate or law school students, so it’s very quiet which is a big plus.

--On the negative side, I’ve got no dishwasher or central air. I also have no washing machine or dryer because there are no hookups. In all honesty though, I don’t mind this stuff too bad. I’ve got a window unit in my bedroom which is all that really matters, and I’ve got two working arms so washing dishes is straight. Overall, Hackberry gets my seal of approval. I would absolutely recommend it to any dirt poor grad student.

--Obviously, I already miss all my good friends and family back in NC, but I knew that would be the case. Good news though. Thanks to Al Gore’s World Wide Net Web, and cellular telephone services, we’ll all be able to stay in touch.

--Can’t wait to write more about Alabama, but for now I’ve got to go for 3 main reasons. 1. A fantastic feature film starring Frank Sinatra (Kings go Forth) starts in 10 minutes on the only TV channel I get on my receiver. 2. I need to turn on the lights in the bathroom to give the cockroaches a head start so they don’t clog up the shower drain. Just kidding! LOL! LO-freakin’L. I don’t have cockroaches. ..At least I don’t think I do. 3. Nick Saban is throwing rocks at my window trying to get more advice from me on how to run the team. This guy just doesn’t stop.

COSMIC PAYCHECK!

--Sometimes I find it hard to come up with topics to write about. Other times, topics fly up and hit me in the face like gnats at a picnic.

--Not too long ago, I went to Kroger. Let me digress before I even start. Kroger is the finest grocery establishment in the country. ‘Right Store, Right friggin Price’ baby. Love it. Their store brands not only match but exceed the competition. Their sodas are life changing: ‘Dr. K’, ‘Citrus Drop’, and the very simple ‘Lemon Lime’ are just a few. Their boxed Mac and Cheese is the only store brand in America that keeps pace with Kraft. I am an expert in this field. Food Lion’s Mac and Cheese: cardboard. Harris Teeters Mac and Cheese: Too salty. pure garbage. Wal-Mart’s Great (or good?) Value Mac and Cheese: Please. It’s flippin’ amateur hour. Anyway, I went to Kroger.

--I pulled into the parking lot and spotted an opening. While driving into the spot, I witnessed one of the finest displays of Southern Americana ever. Picture this: A green 1994 or ’95 Chevy Astro Van. A fine American “whip,” if you will. That baby sported a 4.3 liter V6 that was produced back when gas was cheaper than beer. A typical Astro would get you 12.4 miles per gallon highway…new. Love’em.
Moving on to what was in and around the van. The passenger door was wide open to promote free air flow. One little girl was in the back playing with her toy horses. Two young boys were behind the Astro, near my spot. They were shirtless. The entire family had just come from the lake most likely. One young man sported Transformers trunks and the other sported an American Flag set of trunks. His trunks were very much like the ones I love to wear when I participate in aquatic activities. The mother was smoking a cig and leaning against the front of her trailer park chariot. She was wearing a turquoise one piece with jean shorts on top. By utilizing the Astro’s driver side mirror, I could see that Papa Bear was in the front seat with a Burger King Whopper in hand. He was large and in charge, and he was wearing a splendid off-white wife beater. It didn’t come off-white to start with, I can guarantee you that. Before I turned off my car I noticed that boys and Papa Bear were singing along to some song. The boys, in fact, were clapping and stomping along with the beat as well. I wondered what this awesome family was jamming to. As I turned off the car, Transformer Tommy, as we’ll call him, pointed at me during the apex and chorus of the song…

--“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t workin’ here no more. My woman done left and took all the reasons-I was uh-working for. You better not try to stand in my way As I’m walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain’t workin here no more.”

--One of Johnny Paycheck’s greatest hits of all time. It really resonates with Americans, and especially North Carolinians who have struggled with the changing economy of the South over the last 3 decades. And as any other country song, it also resonates with any man who’s ever had a woman who done went and done him wrong. Great song.

--I laughed hysterically. This young boy of about 5 or 6 started laughing as well, while continuing to clap and point. Papa Bear popped his head out. He let out a laugh/cough and said, “Dang it boy, what’chu doing back there. Let that man alone.” I quickly responded in my finest redneck-speak. “Aw, he ain’t botherin’ me.” The boy laughed, pointed again and shouted at me, “Take this job and shove it!” His mother was far from appalled and just barely twisted to see what her boy was doing. The only thing I could think of to say…And I mean the only thing… I was so amused and confused, that I wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing I could think of to say was, “I’ll drink to that.” Papa Bear said, “HA! There you go. There you go. I’ll drink to that too. Yes sir. Um-huh. Yes sir.”

--God Bless America.

Farewell Michael, Farrah, and Billy

--Unfortunately, there’s one heck of a celebrity skeleton slumber party going on after last week. We lost 3, count’em 3 American cultural Icons. Let’s get to it.
Ever watched a baseball game where a batter is on fire? Multiple home runs, maybe a grand slam in there. And then…the next batter digs in, and everyone thinks or says, “That’s impossible to follow. Sucks to be that guy.” This is the feeling I got when I found out Billy Mays died in the same week as Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. I was riding in the back of a Ford Explorer, on the way back from one of America’s finest vacation spots, Myrtle Beach. Riding along S.C. #9 (I think), My friend shouted, “Billy Mays is dead?! This is ridiculous!”

--My friend’s Blackberry did not lie. Our favorite late night/Saturday morning pitchman was gone; “gone to the giant toll-free zone in the sky.” He “expired,” “cashed in,” and “departed.” Perhaps another one of my friends said it best via Facebook: “Goodbye Billy Mays. I’ll miss you yelling at me at 3 in the morning.” Indeed we will.

--Mays was such an anomaly. He was a salesman. But, people liked him. As Americans, we generally hate salesmen, right? Businesses and housing developments prove it with big signs that say, “NO SOLICITING.” When telemarketers call our homes, some of us unleash hell upon them verbally. When we see people handing out fliers, we immediately audible from a fly-route to a slant. These are things that make me love America. We can be contradictory in our ideas and values. We despise salesmen. But, we liked Mays. I never bought Mighty Putty, Mighty Mend-it, or CLR, but daggum, I loved hearing Mays talk about them. You know; he used every product he sold. He said so.

--Farrah Fawcett is the one of the three that I find hardest to take lightly. In all actuality, I shouldn’t take any of their deaths lightly, but public figures seem surreal to begin with (to me anyways). Fawcett died last Thursday after a 3-year fight with cancer. She “checked out,” “met her end,” and “passed on to the great beyond.” Charlie’s Angels put Fawcett on the map, although one could argue she put Charlie’s Angels on the map. She also co-starred in one of my favorite films of all time, The Apostle. In The Apostle, she had an affair while married to Robert Duvall’s character. What a great flippin’ movie…Anyway, from what I’ve read and seen, Fawcett was never overly extravagant or flighty like so many other celebrities. An absolute American icon in the 60s and 70s. She had an impact on young people in later decades as well. It’s a shame her untimely death was overshadowed.

--Michael Jackson. Where do you start with Michael Jackson? I’ll try. Tremendously talented. Amazing musical and singing skills. Equally impressive dancing moves. Friendly. Philanthropic… …Lunatic.

--Jackson died last Thursday at his home. He “met his maker,” “hung up his hat,” “went belly up,” and “ceased.” I was least affected by his passing in comparison to the other 2 we’ve discussed. Yes, Jackson had good music. Not great in my opinion. Yes, good dancer. But, good dancing is for fairies and women only. Who am I to comment on Michael Jackson, since I never met the guy? Well, nearly 20 years of court cases and acquisitions make it fairly clear I would never want Michael Jackson around any child I know. And if you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. If you say and truly believe that you would let Jackson spend time alone with your children or young relatives, then you deserve a mental evaluation of the most thorough variety. People were coming up with dead Michael Jackson jokes 10 years ago. Did you notice how quickly these jokes made everyday conversation? There’s usually a “WHOA, WHOA, A-HOLE! TOO SOON,” period that lasts at least a week. Nuh-uh, not with Jackson. People were cracking jokes that night. Sad but true. Sad. But. True.

--In all honesty, the guy was a weirdo. He had a deeper voice when he was 12 than he did when he was 40. That’s not normal. He looked non-human. YES, I know he reportedly had a skin disease. Let’s say that’s true…He could have afforded a better plastic surgeon. It looked like Ren and Stimpy were his plastic surgeons. Basically, from what I read and saw, I thought him to be very odd, and someone I didn’t care to meet. As Kat Williams, the comedian, pointed out. Michael Jackson had children with a white woman, and they were completely white. No way. We’re not that stupid. He once hung a baby over a balcony. Somehow he managed to dig himself into 400 million or more dollars in debt. How the hell do you do that if you’re bringing in money like Michael Jackson? How do you do that? I’ll tell you how. By being a complete and total moron and by putting your pee-pee and hands where they don’t belong. That’s how. To all MJ fans, I’m sorry if I have offended you; truly I am. Let me be absolutely clear, I’m not happy that he passed away. It’s just that I’m not upset. Is that wrong?