If This Post Were A 'Jeopardy' Category, It Would Be Called "POTPOURRI"

---Tuscaloosa and the University of Alabama continue to impress. There are enough country stations around here to fill up 2 pre-set lists on my car radio. Today’s country, yesterday’s country, the newbies, the oldies. You name it, I got it, all in the comfort of my 2001, 4-cylinder, front-wheel-drive Black Stallion- Nissan Sentra. If you sometimes feel out of place because of your love for honky tonk music and PBR beer; If brushing your teeth sometimes strikes you as a nuisance; If you believe tobacco is a vegetable; If reading novels makes you vomit; If your idea of “Progressive Talk” is this week’s NASCAR starting grid; If you believe Okra is an odd variation of Fried Okra…Consider joining me in Alabama.

---In the “Muffin should have known this” Department, we have this: Eli Gold is the voice of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team. I certainly should have known this, but as it stands, it’s a fantastic surprise. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli Gold; he is the owner of the soothing radio voice that talks left turns on “NASCAR Live” each week. A bona fide American.

---Everybody in Tuscaloosa is counting down to the September 5th college football kickoff game between the Crimson Tide and the Virginia-Tech Hokies. As a Tar Heel, I would love to see Alabama knock the poo-poo out of V-tech. Forget about the ACC trying to “represent.” I’m tired of the Virginia Tech football team, and I’m especially tired of the term “Beamer Ball,” which apparently means “No National Championship Ball.” Naturally the angered V-tech fan will respond, “Hey a-hole, Carolina’s never won a national championship in football.” Correct. But we don’t run around calling it “Butch Ball,” now do we?

***There’s other stuff happening outside of T-town and Chapel Hill believe it or not. Everybody’s favorite rich redneck, Jerry Jones has really done it this time. The world’s largest HD-TV resides in the new Cowboys Stadium. It sports a hefty price tag of 40 million dollars. And, it’s also too flippin’ low. Hit by a Titans punter last week, Jerry Jones insists that the little prick was kicking straight up and did it on purpose. Ohhhhhhhh, ok Jerry. So, as long as punters don’t try to hit the big screen, it won’t be an issue. Gotcha’ buddy. That screen’s just fine as is. Don’t change a thing…except the way games are played in your venue.

***Did you all hear about this story that claims 90% of US currency has traces of cocaine?! Do you think maybe the Dallas Cowboys and their teams of the last 2 decades had anything to do with this? Just wondering.

^^^According to this story from ESPN.com, Florida International is shocked and appalled that they have been scheduled to take on the Heels for their 2009-2010 basketball season opener. "We will not be bullied into a unilateral decision to play North Carolina after we already agreed to play Ohio State," Pete Garcia, FIU Athletic Director, said. HA! What- A -Fairy. I hope FIU head coach Isiah Thomas embraces the challenge unlike his neutered boss. Could you ever imagine an up-and-coming program at UNC like the football team, for instance, being thrown into a game against a powerhouse like Texas or USC? And then, could you imagine Dick Baddour saying, “Hey! Hey! Heyyyyy! Nuh-uh. I don’t think so mister.” Nah, we can’t imagine that. Because he’s a man.

~~~Lastly, from KTLA in Los Angeles I read this: The crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s remains has been sold for 4.6 million dollars, on eBay. The reasoning? Well, the old bat whose husband was resting there decided she wanted to pay off her home in Beverly Hills. So. She just decided to move her husband’s remains from above Ms. Monroe, and sell the spot. The winner on eBay (drum roll please)…Someone who goes by the initials, “O.S.” Listen, it’s a free country, obviously. But, if I had 4.6 million dollars set aside for the purpose of being placed on top of a woman, I’d want that woman and myself to be alive…very alive.

Breaking news about Brett Favre...And it isn't pretty

--The Brett Favre firestorm has begun again. Since Favre’s first retirement and comeback, I’ve gone from interested, to entertained, to anxious, to confused, to annoyed, to interested, to annoyed. It’s very easy to be ticked off due to the seemingly never-ending saga that is Brett Favre’s playing career. However, I have to wonder what it would be like to have a microphone in my face every second of every day while trying to make a major life decision. You know how it is when you’re making a really tough decision that could go either way, right? You go back and forth. You’re certain of one thing one minute, and certain of another thing the next. Now, imagine the media asking you what you were thinking a thousand times a day…I could hypothetically see myself doing what Brett Favre has done. That being said, the media coverage has undoubtedly been annoying and way too extensive.

--While we all have our opinions on Favre’s retirements and comebacks, that’s not the primary purpose of this column. The reason I’m writing is that I have to pass along a premonition I received recently in regards to Brett Favre…and it isn’t pretty. Now, now, once you read this, don’t go off thinking I’m some kind of sicko or maniac. I don’t want this to happen; I just think it may happen. Ok? So…

--I think the only fitting way for Brett Favre to end his ‘career’ is to be carted off the field. And when I say carted off the field, I mean carted off the field of life. I mean carted off for good. For good, good…Like ‘goodbye world, hello glory’-good. Like ‘lights out’-good. Like ‘skeleton slumber party’-good. I know it’s morbid, but come on, would it not be fitting? Let’s put this in perspective using another legend. I am a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt and his legacy, and I wish he was still with us today. I hate that he’s gone, and I wish I could still watch him on Sundays. But given the tragic circumstances, Dale went out rather fittingly, did he not? Nobody wanted to see Dale Earnhardt die of a heart attack or cancer. No. If Dale Earnhardt had to die (which was debatable until it actually happened), it had to be doing something manly and race-related. I’m afraid the same may be true for Favre and football.

--Anyway, Besides Jimmy Hoffa, who else belongs buried under a stadium? Brett friggin’ Favre, man! If something happens, he needs to be buried right under a 50-yard-line somewhere, somehow. It would be perfect and fitting. And, you could do a two-for-one on the burial and memorial service because you’d already be in a place with plenty of seats…right?

--I mean, I’m not saying---I’m just saying----Just think about it. I don’t want it to happen people. It just makes sense

Welcome To Tuscaloosa !

--After 4 days in Tuscaloosa, I feel qualified to write about it.

--First of all, to call Alabama a football state and Tuscaloosa a football town simply doesn’t do them justice. People that I’m meeting for the first time ever are asking, “are you ready for the game?” They’re referring to the September 5th matchup against Virginia-Tech. I’m trying to fit in, so I’ve been responding in this manner: “You know Hugh? …Hugh Damn Right! Let’s beat some Hokie ass, what’dya say?” These people have no interest whatsoever in college basketball, pro sports, or proper English, and I love it (except the distaste for college basketball of course). Back to proper English. In all seriousness, this is no small issue. In North Carolina, several people gave me a hard time for my southern accent and dialect. That’s ridiculous to me. You live in North Carolina people; southern accents happen.

--Continuing on now in stream-of-consciousness style: Got to go in Bryant-Denny Stadium (UA’s football stadium) today. Me and some other folks that were in a sales workshop decided to waltz our happy rear ends on to the playing field and the 50-yard line. This was really neat for 2 main reasons. 1: I was on the friggin’ 50-yard line of Alabama’s football field and 2. Most of the students I was with actually went to UA but they had never been on the field. Watching how ridiculously excited they were reminded me of seeing people hang out on the court of the Dean Dome for the first time. Really cool.

--My living arrangement has positives and negatives. It’s located near downtown Tuscaloosa on a road called Hackberry Lane. When people ask me where I live, I think I’m going to start calling it ‘The Hack Attack’ for 2 main reasons. 1: It sounds awesome. 2: Hackberry Lane sounds like a street in a horror movie. Think about it…If you were a serial killer, a road called “Hackberry Lane” would be a heck of a place to start.

--The apartment complex was built in the 1940’s so it’s kind of like hanging out at a grandparent or older relative’s place. It’s old-school for sure, and I like that. I mean, I'm living in an antique for goodness sake. Another thing that’s cool is that I can hear the marching band practicing each evening, and the football team actually practices less that 3/4 of a mile from here. All the residents here are graduate or law school students, so it’s very quiet which is a big plus.

--On the negative side, I’ve got no dishwasher or central air. I also have no washing machine or dryer because there are no hookups. In all honesty though, I don’t mind this stuff too bad. I’ve got a window unit in my bedroom which is all that really matters, and I’ve got two working arms so washing dishes is straight. Overall, Hackberry gets my seal of approval. I would absolutely recommend it to any dirt poor grad student.

--Obviously, I already miss all my good friends and family back in NC, but I knew that would be the case. Good news though. Thanks to Al Gore’s World Wide Net Web, and cellular telephone services, we’ll all be able to stay in touch.

--Can’t wait to write more about Alabama, but for now I’ve got to go for 3 main reasons. 1. A fantastic feature film starring Frank Sinatra (Kings go Forth) starts in 10 minutes on the only TV channel I get on my receiver. 2. I need to turn on the lights in the bathroom to give the cockroaches a head start so they don’t clog up the shower drain. Just kidding! LOL! LO-freakin’L. I don’t have cockroaches. ..At least I don’t think I do. 3. Nick Saban is throwing rocks at my window trying to get more advice from me on how to run the team. This guy just doesn’t stop.

COSMIC PAYCHECK!

--Sometimes I find it hard to come up with topics to write about. Other times, topics fly up and hit me in the face like gnats at a picnic.

--Not too long ago, I went to Kroger. Let me digress before I even start. Kroger is the finest grocery establishment in the country. ‘Right Store, Right friggin Price’ baby. Love it. Their store brands not only match but exceed the competition. Their sodas are life changing: ‘Dr. K’, ‘Citrus Drop’, and the very simple ‘Lemon Lime’ are just a few. Their boxed Mac and Cheese is the only store brand in America that keeps pace with Kraft. I am an expert in this field. Food Lion’s Mac and Cheese: cardboard. Harris Teeters Mac and Cheese: Too salty. pure garbage. Wal-Mart’s Great (or good?) Value Mac and Cheese: Please. It’s flippin’ amateur hour. Anyway, I went to Kroger.

--I pulled into the parking lot and spotted an opening. While driving into the spot, I witnessed one of the finest displays of Southern Americana ever. Picture this: A green 1994 or ’95 Chevy Astro Van. A fine American “whip,” if you will. That baby sported a 4.3 liter V6 that was produced back when gas was cheaper than beer. A typical Astro would get you 12.4 miles per gallon highway…new. Love’em.
Moving on to what was in and around the van. The passenger door was wide open to promote free air flow. One little girl was in the back playing with her toy horses. Two young boys were behind the Astro, near my spot. They were shirtless. The entire family had just come from the lake most likely. One young man sported Transformers trunks and the other sported an American Flag set of trunks. His trunks were very much like the ones I love to wear when I participate in aquatic activities. The mother was smoking a cig and leaning against the front of her trailer park chariot. She was wearing a turquoise one piece with jean shorts on top. By utilizing the Astro’s driver side mirror, I could see that Papa Bear was in the front seat with a Burger King Whopper in hand. He was large and in charge, and he was wearing a splendid off-white wife beater. It didn’t come off-white to start with, I can guarantee you that. Before I turned off my car I noticed that boys and Papa Bear were singing along to some song. The boys, in fact, were clapping and stomping along with the beat as well. I wondered what this awesome family was jamming to. As I turned off the car, Transformer Tommy, as we’ll call him, pointed at me during the apex and chorus of the song…

--“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t workin’ here no more. My woman done left and took all the reasons-I was uh-working for. You better not try to stand in my way As I’m walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain’t workin here no more.”

--One of Johnny Paycheck’s greatest hits of all time. It really resonates with Americans, and especially North Carolinians who have struggled with the changing economy of the South over the last 3 decades. And as any other country song, it also resonates with any man who’s ever had a woman who done went and done him wrong. Great song.

--I laughed hysterically. This young boy of about 5 or 6 started laughing as well, while continuing to clap and point. Papa Bear popped his head out. He let out a laugh/cough and said, “Dang it boy, what’chu doing back there. Let that man alone.” I quickly responded in my finest redneck-speak. “Aw, he ain’t botherin’ me.” The boy laughed, pointed again and shouted at me, “Take this job and shove it!” His mother was far from appalled and just barely twisted to see what her boy was doing. The only thing I could think of to say…And I mean the only thing… I was so amused and confused, that I wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing I could think of to say was, “I’ll drink to that.” Papa Bear said, “HA! There you go. There you go. I’ll drink to that too. Yes sir. Um-huh. Yes sir.”

--God Bless America.