My Grandfather bought us goats

-Every now and then a thought or memory crosses my mind that I feel compelled to pass along before I forget it.

-This is one such occurrence.

-When my brother, my cousins and I were younger, we would visit our grand-daddy Jim and grand-mother Dolores down in Kings Mountain each summer for a week or so. Sometimes me and Brad would be there the same time as our cousins Michael and Robbie. Sometimes we would be there different weeks.

-Anyway, Grandmother and Granddaddy always wanted us to have a good time so they would have stuff lined up to entertain us. Sometimes it was ice cream, sometimes it was putt-putt, sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was cards. And sometimes, it was goats.

-Grandaddy has had a barn for as long as I've been around. Mostly, he's had cows and horses. He almost exclusively raises cows just as a hobby. He's gone to livestock auctions (sale barns) forever, and he'll go for as long as he can I suppose. At these sale-barns, you can get all kinds of livestock...including GOATS!

-Well Jim figured (rightly so) that we would enjoy having a pet goat for the weeks we came to visit. And why not? They're cheap, easy to take care of, and they can keep a kid busy; especially one as simple-minded and as easily entertained as me.

-I guess we should have taken his advice when he said, "don't go getting to attached to that goat. He/she won't be around long."

-Well, I didn't listen. I almost ALWAYS named the booger Billy. I would feed Billy hay, I would feed Billy grass, I would pet Billy, I would run around with Billy, and I would take Billy for walks...Have you ever tried walking a goat? It's basically like hooking a cat to a leash...they ain't made for taking on walks. Anyway, I'd get attached to the goats, and it would almost always end poorly.

-Sometimes the goats would be treated to the finest lodging experience in one of Jim's old trailers. Other times, the goats would be treated to a rope and a tree. Let me tell you something my friends; these "Billy's" were up against heavy odds. If they got the royal treatment in the trailers, they would either be targeted by the "foreign" people down the road who had a "fancy" for goat delicacies, or they would be at a sale barn the next week going to God knows where entertaining some other redneck ankle-biter looking to party down at the barn. However, these "trailer" goats were the lucky ones.

-It was the other "Billy's" who didn't have it so good and who are now "baa-aaa-a-ing" with the angels. It was these guys that got the rope and tree treatment. Don't get the wrong idea; Granddaddy Jim never planned for the goats to get hurt, but things just happened. Anyway, it is now crucial to the story that I mention that Jim and Dolores live in a part of North Carolina that had an overly large population of wild, stray dogs at the time. Wild stray dogs are ruthless hunters of the American southeastern plains. They hunt by sense of fear. They intimidate just as many potential prey into submission as they do run them down. Friends, a "goat on a rope" is no challenge at all for a K-9 killer with the instincts of a honey badger.

-Needless to say, my childhood relationships with the Billy's were short lived and traumatic. Sometimes I would be told the stone-cold truth. Other times, I would be told nothing...The rope would be there when I went outside, but Billy would not. It was a tough lesson in reality that I'm glad I got. Things aren't always peachy. Sometimes, things get rough and tough. Sometimes a pet goat is more vulnerable than a candy bar at Fat Camp.

-I may have a pet or two in the future. I may buy a dog or get a fish aquarium. I may throw a hamster in a plastic orb. But I don't know if I'll ever have another goat. At least not right now. It's just too soon

What are we to make of this?

--Sometimes here on Muffin Matters, we analyze subjects to determine their American-ness or Un-American-ness. Other times, it is very clear.

--I don't know that I have ever seen anything as American as this dog. It is proud. It is confident (borderline cocky but not quite). It is a sharp dresser. It is AMERICAN.

--I discovered this dog on a brilliant website that also celebrates the joys of everything American. If you have a chance, you must check out http://countdownla.wordpress.com/. It depicts the experiences, ideas, and thoughts of a Carolina alum as he prepares to travel west in search of good fortune, women and whiskey. Solid read. Enjoy!

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I hate hippies, how about you?

Section I: The introduction of the problem

Dictionaries and encyclopedias cannot define,
What make hippies mortal enemies of mine.
So now I’m going to write and rhyme,
And tell you why they are out of line.

But before I start, I want to say,
I’m going to write this poem, my way.
Syntax, alliteration, assonance, consonance, and rhyme schemes be danged,
The main point is that hippies tick me off and make me want to puke.

Hippie, you seek to rid yourself of societal restrictions in the Land of the Free,
But you constantly refuse to do the courtesy of ridding Myself of Thee.
Bus stop, train stop, the college quad, post office and the mall,
Your baggy clothes and dirty hair are on display for all.

Your looks and external appearance are just the start,
It’s your political views that make me want to fart.
You question authority, challenge gender differences, and often do drugs,
But instead of voting or mobilizing, you prefer giving unwanted hugs.

Section II: Hippies have problems, not solutions

Some say hippies are harmless,
Why waist my time
Merle Haggard said it best,
They’re simply out of line

It went something like this-
“When you’re running down our country…”
This part you can’t miss
“You’re walking down the fighting side of me”

Peace, saving the environment, and running down this country,
They are the biggest of your most sacred, timeless creeds.
But you do not organize and instead insist on the free,
The free love that leads to the planting of tainted seeds.

You’re pacifists! You’re pacifists! We get it,
You all think you’ve seen the light.
Leave me alone; make sure your bong is lit,
Fact is, you’re too stoned to fight.

Section III: If you’re offended, you offend me

Some will be offended
By these subtle words of mine.
But anti-American sentiments
Send shivers up my spine.

How many times do you need to be reminded
That several countries don’t do so well.
In other places,
Your off-handed comments would land you in jail.

I guess the truth is that it doesn’t really matter,
What you hippies think of me.
With flowers in your hair and yellow in your belly
I could never take you seriously.

Section IV: In conclusion

You stink, you’re dirty, you’re ridiculous, you suck
You’re inconsequential, you’re ugly, you’re soft, you suck
You waist our time, you look funny, you act funny, you suck
You’re unappreciative, you’re silly, you’re a joke, you suck

Ok, ok,
I think I’ve calmed down.
Since I can’t legally throw rocks at you,
I can write to get a smile out of a frown.

NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL REPORT (taken from Saturday's edition): Muffin Matters administration battles recession

December 06, 2008
DURHAM, NC
--The ever-worsening national recession has finally reached the front office of Muffin Matters LLC. CEO Casey Sturgill finally addressed the media Saturday morning after a 2-month long website absence.
--"I apologize to the loyal readers of Muffin Matters. In these bleak economic times, the one thing we can't stand to lose is a steady dose of Americana. We have not been providing that, and I take full responsibly for this situation" said Sturgill during a brief but upbeat press conference in Durham, North Carolina late Friday night.
--Sturgill cited the growing employment crisis as the primary culprit of Muffin Matters' recent inefficiency. Every staff member at Mufffin Matters LLC is part-time, and Sturgill said his employees are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. As a result, the staff has been unable to meet previous quotas. Sturgill himself had been out of work since September 15th. He has recently been employed at a local landscaping company, but his period of unemployment nearly brought Muffin Matters to its knees. Sources say Sturgill battled mental instability after failing a Walmart assesment for employment. Walmart officials were contacted in late November. They told reporters that Sturgill had contacted them on several occassions angry and seemingly drunk. "He told us that Arkansas (Walmarts home state) sucks, and that it should be nuked off the face of the planet. We also believe that he is the one that called us 12 nights in a row asking if our refrigerators were running. And we're fairly certain, due to similar slurring speech patterns, that he is the one who called twice asking for a full refund for his entire life-spendings at our store because he said we were hippies. Had to be him."
--Sturgill denies Walmart's claims but does admit failing the presumably elementary and simple employee assesment test. "To those that say Walmart ruined my life...Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. Am I pissed? Sure I'm pissed. A drunken monkey with a reading disability could pass that exam, and I failed it. However, that is not the reason I shut myself off from the world wide net web for 2 months." Sturgill was removed from the podium shortly after his comments on Walmart due to what appeared to be an emotional breakdown.
--The exact size of Muffin Matters LLC is unknown and Sturgill once again refused to directly address that issue. When asked how many Americans Muffin Matters LLC employs, Sturgill responded, "Pick a number between 1 and 10."
--The size of Muffin Matters LLC has been an issue before. In August of 2007, the IRS threatened to levy steep fines on the company, but Sturgill and the IRS settled the dispute outside of court over a cup of coffee and a screening of "True Grit" starring John Wayne. An IRS spokesman later said, "We like the way he thinks. We're going to give him another shot. Worse case scenario, we demand another meeting just to see what spectacular classic American film he chooses to have coffee over."
--New posts are expected on the website within 48 hours, and Sturgill pledged to sell his majority ownership of the LLC if that deadline is not met.

-Hugh Damnright, The New York Times
-for more updates stay posted at http://www.nytimes.com/jk/lol!/omg/wtf