--My good friends, I need you now more than ever. I have hit rock bottom. This is the lowest point in my life to date. Not even ruining my favorite Snoopy underpants with an inopportune bowel movement at age 3 holds a candle to what has just happened. Folks, I speak of failing the W.almart A.ssesment for M.anagerial E.mployment (The Whamey as I like to call it). “Why in the heck were applying for a job at Walmart? You can’t find anything else?” you might be asking. There’s rent to be paid and food to be bought people. And nobody likes a homeless, hungry Muffin now do they? I didn’t think so. I need a job! I was just exploring all of my options! Don’t judge me. You could laugh; I deserve it…But this event has put me in such a fragile state, that I really don’t think I can handle your jeers.
--13 years in the Stokes County school system failed to prepare me for the Whamey. Four and a half years at the nation’s third ranked public university, North Carolina, did not successfully prepare me for the Whamey. More than 8 years of full and part-time work experience, didn’t help me pass the Whamey. HOWEVER, I have only myself to blame. I took the 72-question, 30 minute, multiple-choice, psycho-analytical test. Nobody else is responsible.
Where did I go wrong? Let’s see, there was the question that asked how much money I had stolen from previous employers in the last 5 years. I saw right through that trap door. They wanted me to lie and say $0, but I know honesty is the best policy. I bubbled in $150,000- $250,000 like a champ.
--Next were the ridiculous hypothetical. For example: “James and Meg are having an argument in your department. Bob is accusing Meg of doing her job incorrectly, and Meg is becoming very upset. They are both raising their voices. What do you do?” My favorite option was A: “Do nothing and watch.” As much as I wanted to select that answer, I wanted even more to write in my own…
I would immediately attack James and Meg with a karate chop to each or their throats. I would tell them to stop their ridiculous argument. I would start with James. I would tell him, “James, contrary to the contemporary pop-music you and crazy kids listen to today, ‘bitches’ are in fact more than hoes and tricks. You can’t yell at her and give her a hard time each and every day.” Next, I would sit down with Meg. I’d say, “Meg, you’re working full-time at Walmart. That may be a reason to shout, yell, or cry, but insults and smack-talking from a fella that just earned his GED at age 46, are not.”
--Lastly were the phrases and philosophies that I had to agree with or disagree with. I had a choice between, “Strongly disagree, Disagree, Neither agree nor disagree, Agree, and Strongly Agree.” I thought these were the gimmies. These were the ones easy enough for a drunken monkey to answer correctly…or were they. I got phrases such as: “I am a mentally stable person,” “I enjoy telling people off,” “I am angry most of the time,” “I think it’s ok to sleep at work if I’m really tired,” etc.
--Somewhere, I went wrong. Somewhere along the way, I became the latest victim of the WHAMEY. Don’t be next. Study hard people. If you’re going to be a shift supervisor or manager at Walmart, you had better start hitting the books. Something tells me Sam Walton wouldn’t be pleased with the Whamey. Things use to be simpler. I bet when he ran the show, if you wanted to be a shift manager, he would simply ask you prove that you could tie your shoes and feed yourself.
--You know what though? I can’t get the last laugh this time. I failed an assessment exam at Wal-Mart. They win. Big time.
