When a Fart isn't Just a Fart

-One of my good friends recently told me a story that I felt obligated to relay to the world. Some would consider this story as incredibly embarrassing and shameful, so I’m not going to name names. It’s sufficient to say that the individual’s first name is also a New Testament gospel and rhymes with Ron. And his last name is Stillman.
-It’s time to get real. We’re all adults here, so let’s just put something out in the open. I’m talking about the gamble that everyone takes on occasion…even girls. First off, everybody farts. I fart, you fart, your girlfriend/boyfriend farts, Jessica Simpson farts, Brad Pitt farts, etc., etc. Every now and then, the contents of one’s colon are such that one has to fart but there’s a risk of “leakage.”
-I’m going to digress at this point and acknowledge the fact that I have just taken my blog to a place that it may never return from. I’m way down in the gutter, and I may not make it out…Oh well.
-Anyway, sometimes there’s a calculated risk when one has to fart. In this particular situation, “Ron” (as we’ll call him) was in the Harris Teeter on Airport Road when such a risk presented itself. “Ron” was in the middle of a mid-day grocery run. He really didn’t see this one coming. What was meant to be an innocent grocery isle crop dusting was about to turn sour. As “Ron” let loose and expected to feel the joy of sweet release, something happened…there was more than just methane gas exiting the exhaust pipe.
-Now you must know a crucial detail. “Ron” just happened to be without underwear this day. He was as free as a bird in gym shorts. That’s a problem in and of itself but it gets worse…The shorts were white. “Ron” had to make a split-second decision: continue and hope the “leak” wasn’t too bad or abort and leave immediately without checking out. There happened to be a woman at the scene of the accident. “Ron’s” eyes met hers. It was clear that she smelled something that just wasn’t right, and she was disgusted. "Ron" couldn't readily see the backside of his shorts but they felt as if whatever was back there was visible. The decision was made. “Ron” would abort.
-He left his cart, power-walked right out of Harris Teeter, and drove home as quickly as possible to A: change and B: tell his friends/roommates immediately about what just happened. He couldn’t help but laugh. And what else could one do? He took it like a man. There was nothing he could do but laugh. He was a grown man, and he had just pooped himself. Classic.
-When John, I mean “Ron” got around to telling me the story, I started laughing. I haven’t stopped yet.

March Sadness

-For two years in a row, the UNC family has dealt with tragedy in the month of March. UNC basketball and the tournament have rightfully taken a back seat to coping with the losses. For two years in a row, we’ve been told that if anything good can come from these incidents, it’s that we should learn to live life to fullest and to take nothing for granted. And more obviously, there are more important things than March Madness.
I couldn’t agree more, but I don’t think the UNC family needed another death to make us realize these things. It’s just a little overwhelming at this point. It’s just a little too much.
-First, we lost Jason Ray in 2007 after he was struck by a bus while on the road with the UNC basketball team. Now we’ve lost Eve Carson in a senseless killing. Considering the school shooting this year in Illinois and the school shooting at Virginia Tech last year, I hesitated at first to allow myself to feel extremely upset and sad. I felt like the other two schools lost more of their respective families and had more reason to feel down and out. But I think the truth is, a single life is one too many to lose, and we’re all in the same boat.
-I’m sad and upset, and I wish we wouldn’t have lost Jason and Eve. I didn’t know Eve, but I knew a lot of folks that did. I’ve heard and read several similar things. She was a great person who truly loved Carolina and liked making a difference. She had a huge impact on everyone that knew her, and she brought out the best in people around her. And there’s tons more that could/should be said about her. That only scratches the surface, but no passage can encompass what someone meant to their friends and families and how special they were.
-I did know Jason. Jason hated Spanish 2X and the quizzes. He loved music, Jesus, friends, and the word “bro.” He also loved Carolina and making a difference. And yeah, he also had a huge impact on everyone that knew him. The last time I talked to him, he was looking left and right for a Bible study that fit my schedule. We figured it out.
-This is why the UNC family is hurting. Everyone in this college community is special. Everyone means the world to their friends and family. That’s why you may not have known Eve, but you’re still sick to your stomach about the whole thing. You know she was special, and you know how sad her friends and family must be. That’s why the Northern Illinois community was mourning. The people they lost were special. That’s why the Virginia Tech family was in pain. The people they lost were special. And that’s why the entire country empathizes with all three. They know how awful it is to lose a friend or family member; we’re all special to somebody.
-It will take some time. The pain will never really go away, but we’ll move on. We don’t really have a choice.
-Sorry if I brought you down. This is quite a departure from the normal content of Muffin Matters. But as much as I would like to believe it; life isn’t always fun and games.