For those that have said, “Muffin Matters” doesn’t have enough angry rants… This should take care of that for a while. I would like to apologize in advance for the use of profanity. Muffin Matters is generally a family-friendly place to visit, but jr. may have to earmuff it for this one(or blindfold it).If you were asked to guess the intelligence of Chapel Hill natives based on their driving habits, you would have to conclude that most of them are damn near retarded.
Chapel Hill is not the only place that has bad drivers; bad drivers are everywhere, obviously. It’s just they seem much worse here in the intellectual hot bed that is Chapel Hill. Everybody needs to evaluate the way they drive…yeah, even me and you. It’s seriously out of control. If I hear one more person complain about gas prices and then watch them accelerate at stoplights like a drag racer, I’m going to punch them. I’m going to punch them right in the mouth. Let me tell you something people, accelerating quickly from stoplights and accelerating on the highway like a moron in order to pass a car in 2 seconds drinks gas like crazy. If you’re going to use your gas pedal incorrectly, you forfeit your right to complain about gas prices. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.
Ah, but poor gas pedal efficiency is just the tip of the iceberg. This is the least of a lot of you idiots’ problems. Let’s take the next logical step from acceleration to speed. 99% of you speed most of the time. I’m not talking about 5 over. I’m talking about you dickheads that go 50 mph in 35’s and 90 mph on the highway. Going 90 miles an hour drinks gas faster than John Daily can drink a fifth of Jack Daniel’s. Am I clear to you?
More importantly, driving fast is…dangerous. Yeah, believe it or not, going 90 on a busy interstate might cause some problems. I’m not your mother, and I don’t care if you spin out and end up in a ditch because you’re driving like a moron. I do care if you take out someone else when you’re driving like a dickhead.
And in direct response to what I’ve seen in Chapel Hill…there is a flipping reason that the speed limits are 25 or 35 mph around town. Bus stops line nearly every mile in Chapel Hill; that means there are people all along the narrow sidewalks. There are also tons of crosswalks; going fast in pedestrian-rich environments doesn’t really make much since unless you’re playing Grand Theft Auto. That’s what a lot of you pricks need to do. You need to go out and buy Grand Theft Auto for Playstation and you need to drive up and down the virtual sidewalks hitting things. You need to get it out of your systems.
A lot of you spoiled whores and bastards speed in your BMW’s because you know daddy will pay your way out of a ticket or 5. Get that –ish out of your head. Think like a responsible adult for the first time in your life.
You see, we all tend to think that the reason we are in a hurry is more important than everything else around us and more important than the safety of others and ourselves. How damn stupid is that? If you want to be somewhere on time, leave early enough. I wish I had a sawed-off shotgun in my car that I could use to blow out the tires of bastards on the highway who come out of nowhere, get on my ass, and they make a Robby Gordon-esc move to get around me. The best part is how often this happens when there isn’t much traffic and I’m in the right lane. It is so cool; it makes me so happy. Man I love it when people drive like Forrest Gump in a race car and ride my ass when they could easily go around me 200 meters before encountering my car’s anus. Wherever you’re going, you’ll get there soon enough. I promise. Just relax and repeat like Carl Winslow from Family Matters, “Three, two, one. One, two, three. What the heck is bothering me?”
In all seriousness ladies and gents, haven’t we known, seen, and heard of enough people injured in car accidents? Most of these could have been avoided. Chapel Hill has gone through a particularly rough time period the last couple of years. We lost Jason Ray, a friend of mine and countless others, in March when he was hit in New Jersey on the side of a highway. Several pedestrians and bikers (one a former professor) were killed by automobiles. In 2003, Stephen Gates, a former broadcaster for the Tar Heel Sports Network and Burlington Indians was struck on the side of the road while changing a flat tire on the highway. I know more stories and so do you. Enough already. 
