Muffin Matters

Speaking of centennials...

2010-09-17T07:18:00.000-05:00

When this web log started in June of 2007, I never thought I would continue a publication of such low acclaim and readership for 3+ years...

But here we are--on the verge of 100 posts. This is post 98, and I'd like to thank some people.

First and foremost, thank you Walmart. Walmart has been a go-to subject when writer's block has judo chopped me to the throat. My tracking system constantly shows walmart to be the most searched subject that brings unfortunate web surfers to this blog.
Next I would like to thank all the un-American hippies out there that make my blood boil. The pure anger and rage that hippies stir deep in my soul is enough to fuel my web logging for another 500 or 600 posts.
Thanks to all the psychos out there who have been angered enough to accost me via e-mail and blog comments. It's good to know someone cares--even if they hate everything about what I do here.
Thanks to my friends and family for the hilarious suggestions and ideas you've thrown my way the last 3 years. The most fun I have is when I'm writing about a topic someone else suggested.
Thanks to New York, Virginia, Texas, and California for keeping my readership numbers respectable. The tracking program tells me that New York, NY; Alexandria, VA; Houston, TX; and Los Angeles, CA provide me with the most hits. I don't know who you people are, but thanks for reading. The people in L.A. probably view this site like patrons view monkeys at the zoo...They probably read and say to themselves, "look at this primitive creature using tools like the net web to express his backward ideas and offensive values." The people in New York are probably just shocked that people in Alabama have the internet, so they check in all the time just out of curiosity.
Lastly, thank you Microsoft "Paint" for giving me the ability to create the most fantastic photo-illustrations on the face of the planet to accompany many of my posts.

Save the Date

2010-09-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

I've got a "Save the Date" more important than any magnetic wedding announcement on your fridge.

July 4, 2076. The frickin' tricentennial, baby. Simple math tells us that most of us probably won't make it to the tricentennial. Dates of birth, life styles and life choices make the likelihood for some much less than for others. For me, it's the only thing that would be cool about being 91years old. I give myself a near 0 % chance of making it that far, but if I do, I'm going to set off enough fireworks to singe everyone's eyebrows within a 2-mile radius.

As a fan of America, the reasons for getting pumped about this date should go without saying. But aside from celebrating 300 years of independence from those pricks on the other side of the pond, I'm curious to see what fantastic coinage the US mint thinks up to celebrate the event. Of course, the United States may not exist in 2076, but if it does, you can guarantee the mint is going to be busy.

In 1975, the US mint had three separate $5,000 prizes up for grabs for whoever could come up with the best designs for the bicentennial quarter, half dollar, and silver dollar. Jack L. Ahr submitted the design of the colonial drummer for the bicentennial quarter. Fantastic. Maybe I'll submit an idea for the tricentennial quarter design way ahead of time in hopes of winning a prize for that contest. You know, something classy and American like Dale Earnhardt Sr. driving the number 3 Goodwrench car with an outstretched hand and a middle finger directed at an etching of Great Britain. Who knows? I'll keep working on it.

Source: UNC to pursue Mike Gundy

2010-09-03T10:55:00.000-05:00

As a former journalist and graduate from UNC's school of Journalism and Mass Communication, I'd like to briefly put on my reporting shoes and pass along information that is as good as gold. I'm about 99.99% sure that 0-100% of this information is 100% accurate. In other words, take it to the bank and share it with friends.

A source of a source who has been described as a former, disgruntled AP reporter's, son's classmate's step uncle has passed along the following information to Muffin Matters:

Butch Davis will "resign" soon, and by "resign" I'm told that means he will be "fired." Key UNC athletic department heads have reportedly began securing passports in order to go on a search for former UNC standout, Darian Durant. Durant was last seen playing quarterback for the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the Canadian League. Durant is apparently number one on the list to fulfill interim coaching duties while Butch Davis starts the application process for the Seattle Seahawks to work under fellow d-bag, Pete Carroll.

It has also been said that UNC officials have already thrown together a search committee for UNC's next head football coach. Sources confirmed that Mike Gundy, current Oklahoma State head coach, is the top candidate for UNC's position. Gundy, who gained cult status among the 18-40 year-old male demographic, has led the OSU cowboys to two straight 9-4 seasons and four straight bowl appearances starting in 2006. Aside from his mastery of the English language, good looks, and press conference charm, Gundy was a standout quarterback at OSU who led the Cowboys to three straight 10-win seasons and two bowl wins in the 80s.

When asked for his thoughts about reports linking him with the upcoming UNC job opening, Gundy responded that, "the reports are garbage! And the blogger, that let them come out, is garbage!"................................

Sources now tell Muffin Matters that the new top candidates are Tommy Tuberville, Mike Ditka, anyone closely related to Nick Saban, Lou Holts, and Andy Griffith.

Don't shoot the messenger; give him a high five.

You're welcome.

American News and Notes

2010-08-15T18:43:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid Muffin Matters has been neglected as a result of the inception of Every Day I Think Things. There's no excuse for this, and I apologize.

So what's going on in America? BULLET POINTS:

Football season is about to start. American Football season, that is. There are digital countdown clocks in nearly all bars and grills here in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The natives are more excited than OJ Simpson at a Gun and Knife Show.
Barack Obama went for a swim in the Gulf to show Americans that it was indeed safe. But, the visit came on the tail-end of shark week, so I don't expect attendance to increase.
The Cleveland Metroparks Zoo is currently showing off their finest new exhibit: The Scoop on Poop! It's about animal dookey--the biology of it, and how animals use it for other purposes. I share this because I think fecal matter is funny, and I'm saddened that it's such a taboo subject in American society. Cleveland Metroparks Zoo has taken a step in the right direction.
Have you ever heard people talk about how California could break off of the continent because of earthquakes? I have! Not so fast say "scientists" from some school named 'Berkely.' Arnold Schwarzeneger could have held the state to the rest of the country with his bulging biceps, anyway. To be clear, I have 6 or 7 really good friends that either live in, or are from Cali. I never wanted the state to literally sink into the ocean, but a trip out to sea wouldn't have been bad.
Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run on Wednesday, August fourth...No one cared.
Radio and TV reports revealed that Nick Saban ate a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie this evening to supplement his dinner. 4.6 million Alabama natives immediately updated their "Where's Nicky and What's He Doing?" log books.
Lastly, to class up this joint, I will no longer refer to this site as a blog. It's a 'Web Log', suckers. Classic and regal, just like a gourmet muffin smacking you in the face to start your day.

God bless America. We'll see you out there.

No explanation needed

2010-07-21T22:01:00.000-05:00

Driving through South Carolina last weekend, I see this at a gas station. If this doesn't strike you as some of the finest Americana imaginable, get off my web log--immediately.

It's the Nature Boy, Ric Flair! The best wrestler ever. The wheeling, dealing, kiss-stealing, champion from Charlotte, NC. And he's teamed up with South Carolina for what? A scratch of game! I tried to buy one, but they said you can't pay for lottery tickets with debit cards...Lame-O.

Muffin Cast: The Big Announcement - Part 1

2010-07-11T20:21:00.000-05:00

John Stillman returns to the site, joined by former UNC Club Baseball superstar, Kyle Lang. We exchange pleasantries, and I then make the big announcement. I also discovered a website with free music....I love the opening of this podcast: Click and prepare to be blown away

This and That

2010-07-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

The lack of posting around America's holiday, July 4th, is regrettable. I hope your Uncle Sam Jam was great, and I hope you enjoyed enough burgers/hotdogs/homemade ice cream to make you puke. I also hope you got to witness large, colorful, projectile explosive displays. Various things to get to that are not related. I think bullet points will be the most efficient way to attack this:

American flag swimming trunks and bathing suits are becoming more popular. I've seen 4 friends and 2 summer camp kids wearing American flag-themed bathing suits. Awesome. Keep up the good work, America.
I still haven't watched a minor league baseball game this summer. The last time I did something that un-American was when I agreed to end a pick-up basketball game in a tie...which brings me to my next bullet.
A few critics have pointed out my failure to mention the World Cup and the United States' performance in the World Cup. Well America didn't win, and they didn't have a great chance, either. And why would I talk about the World Cup on this site? Does anyone out there really think it fits the mission or the goals of this site? The answer is no.
LeBron James. What the heck is wrong with Americans and especially the media? Why in the heck did people give that dude that much coverage for signing with a basketball team. It's a game. A daggum game. I thought I could flip over to MSNBC to avoid the useless commentary on James, but no. They were talking about James and the Miami Heat instead of tea parties, BP, the economy, and Al Gore's whereabouts.
I've got 2 awesome peeps lined up for a podcast that should be posted tomorrow night. Keep a look out. It'll be fun.

Google Don't Lie

2010-06-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

Google provides a free online website tracking service called Google Analytics to anyone whose site does not exceed 500,000 hits per month...I barely stay under that quota. Anyway Google Analytics tells me everything: the number of people visiting my site, the location of people visiting my site, the time they stay here, the amount of pages they check out, etc. It also tells how they got here...This is the good part.

Most people get here through links from carolinawatercooler.com or Facebook. A fair amount get here by directly typing in the address (awesome). Many get here by Google searches, and that's where it gets good. Here are just a few of the searches that led some unfortunate souls to this blog. NONE of this is made up. Seriously, there are actually people out there who searched the following topics.

"Ice Cream!" the man shouted, "come get your icecream!" - This person undoubtedly got forwarded to the story about ice cream truck turf wars. And I bet they were very disappointed when they got there.

Muffin and female body part- Oh my...I will leave it at that. This is a clean blog.

Walmart ruined my life- Preach it, brother. Preach it. I feel the pain of the one that searched that. It's like they were hoping Google could be their psychologist or confidant. Not quite how it works. I'm sorry.

Lady American Talladega Mattress- What? I have no idea what the heck that is, but I want one.

if a person having cough and cold eats 6 to 7 ice creams a day then what can cause? - Who needs syntax or coherent statements? This search was awesome, and I'm delighted this person got sent to my blog because much like their search, my blog generally makes no sense.

common muffin faults and their causes - The muffin has no faults. Got it?

what if i failed walmart assessment?- I'm glad you asked. No sweat. It happened to me, and just look at where I'm at! .............

walmart assessment test answers- Apparently that same person is now going to cheat. Bravo.

john wayne ice cream truck song- Listen to me very carefully. Whoever searched this, you need to contact me as soon as possible. I don't know if it's someone out there playing a practical joke because they know my blog is tracked or what. BUT, if a John Wayne ice cream truck song exists, I need to know about it.

America Exposed: Ice Cream Truck Turf Wars

2010-05-18T11:26:00.001-05:00

It's a problem that's been swept under the collective American rug for nearly a century. Nobody talks about it because the reality is just too disgusting. Every spring and summer day, nearly 1.1 million kids are deprived of ice cream because of it...You know what it is. That's right: Ice cream truck turf wars.

In 1919, an Iowa store owner named Christian Nelson invented the choco-covered "ice cream bar" (History of Ice Cream, 2010). In 1920, a heartless business man named Harry Burt copied the idea and called it the Good Humor "Ice Cream Bar" (Good Humor, 2010). Shortly thereafter, Burt and his band of hooligans decided to distribute their dairy concoction by way of white "Ice Cream Trucks." The rest is history--bloody and ugly history. Good Humor ruled the frozen dessert roost and ruled the streets for years before others decided to get in on the mobile ice cream distribution business. Next thing you know, ice cream guys started staking their claims in communities and parks nationwide. Behind the Mafia, the Bloods, and the Crips, it was the "Ice Cream Man" that you didn't want to cross. As long as you were buying, you weren't in danger. But, as soon you as you decided to try your fortune at frozen milk solicitation on wheels, you're life would hang by a thread. You don't sell ice cream in another man's hood--his domain, his wheelhouse, his special spot, or on his TURF. I was unaware of these facts until this weekend.

Saturday, I saw the best and worst of Americana while working at Sokol Park in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. It was a beautiful day. Low to mid 80s, light and variable cloudiness, low humidity, kids playing softball and baseball, and families spending time together. It was perfect. It appeared it was getting better. Just as everyone was starting to realize how dehydrated, hot, and hungry they were becoming, a sound in the distance brought hope...

I've noticed that when people hear something fantastic and awesome, their reaction is identical to when they hear something potentially threatening or deadly such as thunder or sirens. At the first echo of an ice cream truck Saturday, many people stopped what they were doing. They cocked their heads just slightly and hushed their friends with a single finger extended to notify them of something significant. Although filled with excitement, their faces suggested concern. I saw a small child stop his game of catch with his dad in mid-throw just to listen. His eyes got big and his right ear turned towards the sound in highly animated anticipation.

Next was the moment of discovery and a confirmation. Eddie Murphy describes the moment of ice cream  truck discovery best in (warning: lots of needless profanity, but funny if you can get past it) this video.  I saw some spectacular reactions. One girl who was probably 3 or 4 started running towards the park gate with both arms in the air and very little stability in her lower half. I was standing right behind a set of grandparents who were watching over their grandson while his brother played. The younger brother was upset about something, and when the ice cream truck showed up, Gramps said, "Looky here now. This will make you feel better. Here's some money. Got get'chu some ice cream. And grab us a soda." That wasn't the best, though. There was an AWESOME 7 or 8 year old boy who had apparently seen some re-runs of the 70s show "Good Times." As soon as he heard the ice cream truck, he did his best Jimmie Walker (Check out Jimmie on Good Times in this clip).   The kid started shouting, "DY-NO-MITE! DY-NO-MITE! DY-NO-MITE!" The best part is that he was simultaneously doing his best Tiger Woods fist pump in sync with each running stride and with each syllable as he ran towards the truck.

"Kool Moes Ice Cream and Frozen Treats" had saved the day. The driver rolled in blaring "Mary had a Little Lamb" over the truck speakers. There were no words of course, so for all I know, the actual song Kool Moe was playing could have been "Mary had a Sno-Cone" or "Mary had a Drumstick." Maybe, "Mary had a 3-toned, 3-flavored, Firecracker." Who knows? Anyway, the driver, who I would later discover is actually named Randy, also utilized the speakers to announce, "It's hot. Real hot. Come get your ice cream, cold sodas, cold gatorades, and cold water!"

Things were good, but not for long.

What was that we heard in the distance? Could it be?  Yes, another Ice Cream truck! It had to be a good thing, right? Right? I mean, 2 hawkers of Flinstone Push-ups are better than 1, aren't they? In short, the answer is no. But I will give you the answer "in long."

The second truck to roll in was owned by "Tuscaloosa Special Service Ice Cream." Oddly, this truck's speakers were blaring the "Happy Birthday" song. Doesn't this alienate 364/365ths of the potential clientele? Again, I was assuming, though. There were no words to go along with the melody. Perhaps the song was, "A Chocolate Eclair for you!" or "Mickey Mouse ice cream to you!" In my mind, that song would go like this (to the tune of Happy Birthday in case you've lost me here): "Mickey Mouse ice cream to you! Mickey Mouse ice cream to you! It will smear on your faaa-ace! And it'll melt on you too!"

Anyway, 2 ice cream trucks are not better than 1. Believe you, me.  "Special Service" rolled up in the "hood" and the driver said to Kool Moe, "I thought we settled this, Randy..."

Randy immediately responded, "We didn't settle jack, Roger. Now move along.  I'm busy."

The parents and kids were split. Some were turned off by Roger's apparent invasion and his belittling tone. Others saw that Roger was offering waters 2 for 1 and dropped their allegiance to Ralph quickly. Still others realized that this was just the beginning of this little spat, and it was time to leave.

"We settled it, Randy. We settled it, and you know it. Sokol Park is mine. I don't want to get out of this truck." .... For the remaining patrons who hadn't yet realized -ish was about to get real, they now knew it was time to evacuate.

"You would ruin a perfect day wouldn't you?" asked Randy. "Who cares about all these people, right? God forbid I sell ice cream at Sokol Park."

While everyone else looked on with disgust, I inched closer because I knew you folks would love to hear about it.

"The problem, Randy (belittling pause), is that Sokol Park is mine when they aren't running concessions. You agreed to it. Now leave before I make you."

Crunch time! What would Randy do?????? OMG!!!!

"Fine! ATTENTION EVERYONE," yelled Randy. "I will sell everything for 25 cents off across the street. It's worth the walk!"

One elderly lady applauded. It was CLASSIC. Thankfully this Ice Cream Truck turf battle didn't end badly. My fear is that this is the exception, though. Not the rule...

"Sources"
1. Wikipedia (2010, May 16). Good Humor. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Humor
2. Bellis, M. (2010, May 16). History of ice cream. Retrieved from http://inventors.about.com/od/foodrelatedinventions/a/ice_cream.htm

Breaking down Talladega-Part 1: "I was thinking about it...That could have been one of the most awesome experiences I've ever had." -Will Speight

2010-05-13T11:54:00.002-05:00

After years of dreaming and planning, a NASCAR dream was finally fulfilled. We got to see a race at Talladega.

I'll get all the boring NASCAR details out of the way first for those of you that aren't enlightened to the greatest spectator sport in America. And as the greatest spectator event in America, it should go without saying that by default, it's the greatest spectator sport in the world. Anyway, the camping was as well organized and as well mapped out as I have seen. Easy entrance, easy exit, good times. The speedway was incredibly clean and nice, and there wasn't a bad seat in the house. Also, Talladega has far and away the best sound system I've heard at a speedway. Kevin Harvick won the race, and I'm pumped for Richard Childress Racing. Also, maybe Harvick's wife didn't beat him after a race for a change...I've heard she's feisty.

Now, on to the stuff that really matters. How can I describe the atmosphere? It was like Mardi Gras met the TV program "Hee Haw" met a gun and knife show.

The absolutely insane Cory Willis and the certified lunatic Will Speight met the NASCAR newbie Jon Handy and myself at the Wal-Mart in the city of Talladega. We did have to secure some basic provisions, but I think mostly, any NASCAR weekend should start at Wal-Mart. The wide array of NASCAR clothing and head gear led Speight to say, "If we don't get out of here soon, I'm going to spend all of my money on Dale Jr. gear." So, we expedited. Jon, who in addition to being a finance PhD student, is also a photographer, an avid reader, a skateboarder, a carpenter, and a chef ran down a basic checklist to make sure we had the food items we needed. Chuck made sure we had all the "water" we needed, and after that we were ready to go to the speedway campground. When we started to set up, Cory realized that some rat scoundrel had taken the tarp and other key accessories for his tent. Soooo, Speight and I went back to Wal-Mart partly to tie up loose ends but mostly because two trips to Wal-Mart in a day are better than one. On the way back, we bought firewood from a very large bald man on the side of the road who had a slight majority of his teeth left. "That guy up there will charge you 5 more dollars for less firewood" he said. "He's a jerk. Ya'll from North Carolina? I love Dale Jr." What else could a man say to make us trust him? He has 2 customers for life. To the campsite we returned.

Our neighbors on one side were from Alabama. To the other side, we had new friends from Indianapolis. We all liked to party, so we ended up in the "North Camping Lot" which is always set aside for that...seriously. Go to talladegasuperspeedway.com. Check out the camping information. It will ask "What will you will be camping in?" Then "Where are your seats in the speedway?" Then..."What kind of atmosphere are you looking for?" Your answer choices for this question are:

A. I prefer to party with my friends and camper neighbors. (Bingo)
B. I am bringing my family and we are making a family vacation out of this trip. (really? ill-advised vacation)
C. I like to have a good time, but I also like to sleep to get ready for the race. (lame-o)

We picked A. Duh. You can tell that the North Camping Lot is set aside for partying because it is adjacent to I-20 and no sleep is possible unless it is induced via low sobriety levels, medication, or a pop-knot to the forehead because you stared at some maniac's wife the wrong way. Truckers and people that thought they were clever honked all day and all night.

Right as camp got set up and the canopy was secured above our royal lawn chairs, it began to rain. Beverages and a friendly game of Spades would be all she wrote for Friday night. The rain got harder and harder, and finally at 2 or 3 in the AM, Chuck, Speight and myself called it a night. Jon had peeled off a bit earlier and had the foresight to sleep in his car...The rest of us should have been so lucky. I've never tried to sleep in a kiddy pool, but I think if I did, it would be pretty much like our camping experience that Friday night. For at least an hour, the 3 of us in the tent exchanged pleasantries such as:
- "My underwear is wet."
- "Well, this couldn't be much more miserable."
- "This rules."
- "My socks are wet."
- "Who's idea was this?"
- "I'm having a great time."
- "Do you think we'll make it?"
- "Is that a fish swimming in the corner?"
- "My entire bag of clothes for the whole weekend is wet."
- "Could you knock me out so I can get some sleep? Seriously. Just hit me right here (pointed to temple) as hard as you can."

Now, it may seem like our camping experience was awful...But friends, this was just Friday night. So much was yet to come.

'Casey at the Library': A loose adaptation of 'Casey at the Bat'

2010-05-03T15:52:00.004-05:00

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the studying man that day,

The library was full of losers, who had just computer games to play.

And then when the "Silent Zone" filled up, and the private rooms did the same,

A feeling of anger and resentment made it hard for Casey to stay tame.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair; The rest-

Clung to the hope that spring's eternal in the naive college student's breast.

They thought, "if only Casey could legally get a hold of these brats-

He'd use tear gas and fisticuffs to shut their annoying traps."

But cultural norms prevented Casey, as did also silly laws,

The former, a joke, the latter a forestall to broken jaws.

So upon the quiet and afflicted student body, grim melancholy sat;

For there seemed little chance of Casey laying one out on the mat.

But then the librarian let loose a yell to the wonderment of all,

And Ted, the security guard walked his way down the hall.

When the dust had lifted, and students saw what had occurred,

Three pricks had been thrown out from the loud and noisy herd.

Then from 90 or so obnoxious students, there rose an angry mood,

They were here to talk and laugh, but mostly to be rude.

So they protested the actions of the honorable library staff,

This led to an increase in noise; at least by one and a half.

This was Casey's best and only chance, chaos had ensued,

It was likely no one would notice, if some loud-mouths left battered and bruised.

So he finally gave up on his studies and closed up all of his books,

He started doing calisthenics and giving dirty looks.

He wanted the dude with the loud iPod and speakers before he took on the rest,

That friggin' dude that had been beatboxing audibly to Ludacris and Kanye West.

He got up, set his sites and slowly started walking that way,

His studying had been ruined, but this would make Casey's day.

Casey got to the table and grabbed the fella's music system,

He said, "no talky talky, homeboy; just sit there and listen."

The dude didn't know what to do as his jam box got turned off,

He did as Casey said, not letting out a peep or a cough.

As this dude's lecture was about to end,

A swarm of pesky students out of nowhere, came in

Casey was just about to finish his just and worthy job,

But the unthinkable was happening; a daggum flash mob.

Un-rattled, Casey tried to finish what he had started,

There was no way, even in his haste he would be out-smarted.

With fire in his eyes, he raised the I-pod and speakers above his head,

After one more motion, this stinking noise machine would be dead...

Oh, somewhere in this favored land, obnoxious students get their due,

They're punished, expelled, written up, or given a beating to.

And somewhere men like Casey can put rude people in their place,

But not in that library, not on that day and not in that particular space.

When Casey had raised the speakers above his tiny head,

An officer of the law spotted him from his lazy stead.

"That one's part of the flash mob!" the officer did shout.

And before the deed was done, little Casey got thrown out.

The Truth: My religion, My politics, My thoughts on women

2010-04-16T00:49:00.002-05:00

     When I first started this blog about 3 years ago, I had a simple plan. I would talk about Americana; sometimes in complete sincerity, but most times tongue and cheek. The rules were simple: No politics. No religion. An no discussion of the intricate workings of the female brain. The reasons were simple. Politics can start a fight. With religion, it's hard to tell who's right. And with girls. Do we really need to get into the many ways one can go wrong talking about women? I didn't think so.
    Well, rules are meant to be broken, and I've been compelled to break all 3 here today. When some of you get done reading this, you may not ever come back. When some of you get done reading this, it won't surprise you at all. When some of you read this, you won't give a crap about what was said...which is usually the case, so I can handle that.
    So why have I decided to break all 3 rules at once? The answer is simple...They were put in place on a poor pretense. The reason I wanted to stay away from those 3 subjects is because they may cause people not to like me or cause them to think less of me. Additionally, they might detract from readership...God forbid my readership falls from 7 to 4 faithful people out there!
     I couldn't take that then, but I can tonight. And tomorrow, I may regret it for a second, but I know it's the right thing to do.   None of this is easy because I have fundamental differences from some folks who will read this. It is what it is. But, former Burlington Indians manager, Kevin Higgins told me one thing that I'll never forget in his office one night after a long baseball game. He said, "Don't ever worry about whether or not people like you. All that matters is that they respect you." For too long, I have been the other way around. It's time to get real.
    Religion: I believe in Jesus Christ with every fiber of my being. I was led to the cross in middle school when I realized I was worthless and useless without Him. High school and college were challenging. My faith would wane, and many times, I would straight up deny my affiliation with Christ. For friends, for popularity, or for the sake of avoiding conflict or awkwardness, I would deny it. Occasionally I still fall into that trap, but I continue to be pumped with boldness, and I intend to use it. How can I explain the Holy Spirit to someone who hasn't yet chosen or had an opportunity to receive it? I can't. All I know is that God had enough grace for me to let me experience it; and it is phenomenal. Generally, I have no doubts. Science is science and it may appear to fly in the face of scriptures, but I would simply say that I base my faith on Jesus who died...and then rose three days later. This man was dead. Hospital "code blue." He kicked the bucket, bought the farm, went to a skeleton slumber party, took a trip to "Glory", perished, expired, etc. etc. And then...3 days later, the women went to tomb and they saw that something had happened. " 'Don't be alarmed,' he said. 'You are looking for Jesus of Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen. He is not here. See the place where they laid him.' " (Mark 16:6-7). So this man died, and then rose, and numerous historical documents verify encounters with Jesus both before and after his supposed resurrection. It was enough to start quite a stir. People believed then, and I believe now. So if I think that this dude who died and then came back to life is for real...clearly I think science might not always apply. Right there, I may have lost some of you reading. But I will tell you this: to think that trusting natural law and modern science is something that doesn't require faith, is false. If you trust science, you have faith in that. The fact is when something arises that isn't currently explainable, the world will tell you that it's only a matter of time and that undoubtedly it can be figured out. In many cases that has been true, but can everything be explained through science? We take for granted the simple thing called LIFE. They won't duplicate that one. You can clone animals until you pass out, but scientists have not come close to creating life. And yet, they will tell you that it can be figured it...eventually. In my opinion, a belief that natural and scientific law are without fault and always true can not come without a faith in it.
     Occasionally, I do have doubts about God's plan. I struggle with suffering around the world. I had serious questions last week when a blessed co-worker explained to me that her daughter was taken from her by a brain tumor when the girl was only 14. I have doubts about God's plan when I remember that the majority of the world lives in severe poverty, depression, and danger. I had doubts when one of the greatest guys I've ever known got killed on the side of the road while he was with North Carolina's basketball team in the NCAA tournament. How can we/I rationalize these things with an all-knowing, all-loving God? Paul did it pretty well. He said, "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" (Acts 20:24). Look at what he's saying. We have nothing. We are nothing. We don't matter unless we've got Him. So guess what? We're all on equal footing. Jason Ray, who died to soon by the world's standards; the poor and oppressed; the grieving; the fortunate; the rich; the famous; the living...We all have nothing without Him. A quick aside: Jason Ray was full of God's love, and I've never once felt sorry for him, because if anyone ever got the most out of their life in that short a time period, it was Jason Ray. He finished the race.
   Moving on to the non-believers favorite critique: the Christian hypocrites. We believe these things, and yet we sin. Some Christians murder, steal, commit adultery, drink heavily, practice sexual immorality, lie, pull for Duke or Auburn, etc. How ridiculous we are. That's a great argument. However, I would point you to scripture again. 2 Samuel, chapter 11. The great and blessed King David spotted a beautiful woman...a married woman. He sent for her, they got busy, and as if that wasn't enough David had a special treat for the woman's husband, Uriah..."In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. In it he wrote, "Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die" (2 Samuel 11: 14-15). David goofed, and yet he was absolutely considered a man of God. In fact Paul preached that God said, " 'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do'” (Acts 13:22).
And what about good ol' Paul? He wasn't always so good. When he was still named Saul, he persecuted the Christians as relentlessly as anybody. He would even have the family members of Christians stoned. He would watch. He probably participated. And yet he turned out to be perhaps the greatest preacher of the gospel the world has ever seen. Jesus came into his life.
     Noah drank too much. Peter denied Jesus 3 daggum times in one day. King Solomon liked to party...way too much and way too inappropriately. Yet all these folks were some of God's most useful tools.
    What I'm telling you is that if you're looking for perfect Christians, you will never find them. If you're looking for a perfect Jesus, he's always been here.
    Girls: With reasonable certainty, I'm thinking there's going to be at least one person out there reading this thinking, "This ought to be good."
     Where do I start?
   You know that gene that most people have that allows them to have normal relationships with the opposite sex? It's the same gene that stops most people from saying things that offend the opposite sex on a regular basis. It's the same gene that allows most people to be comfortable around the opposite sex. It's the gene that allows most people to get close to the opposite sex via lots of hugging and kissing. Yeah, that gene is a little messed up in me. Any awful thing you think you've said to your girlfriend or boyfriend, I've said worse to some girl. Any stupid thing you've said to a girlfriend, boyfriend, or person of interest, I have undoubtedly said worse to some girl. Any way to avoid, get out of, sabotage, or spoil a good thing, I've done it...twice, probably. And the hugging and kissing. Believe it or not, I've done my share. But I'm certain it's looked like a train wreck and left most of the ladies slightly disappointed, confused, or offended. At the same time, I truly thank God for my bumbling, stumbling ways. It's kept me out of lots of trouble. When I've been out on the town or at parties where the hormones are flowing just as freely as the booze, my bumbling, stumbling, terrible-comment-making ways have kept me out of beds I shouldn't have been in.
What am I saying? I'm saying that I'm a virgin...I always have been. Some of you are undoubtedly laughing and saying, "no crap." Some of you are probably saying, that dude lied to me. Full disclosure, once, some of my body parts were places they shouldn't have been, and those places involved a female. But, that was it. I've lied, I've told stories that weren't true, I've avoided conversations without stating the truth. For what? To look cool? To keep friends? Too avoid embarrassment? Fact is, I'm already not that cool, and I doubt any of my good friends would ditch me because of this. Why should I be embarrassed? The world tells me I should be, but my Lord doesn't. The only bad part about this is that me and that dreadful Florida QB Timmy Teebow have something in common; makes me wanna puke.
     I decided way back I would wait until marriage to have sex. I know it's the right call. Rarely have I been so sure of something God wanted to get across to me. Whenever I get married, it will have been worth the wait. And to avoid any confusion, I don't condemn anyone AT ALL for any sexual encounters they've had. We've all made mistakes, we've all got problems. We all need God's grace and forgiveness for something.
     Politics: Here's another shocker. I'm a bit right of center. BUT, it's not about left and right, it's about right and wrong. I do believe Liberals and Conservatives both mean well. Fact is whether you want to admit it or not, both sides want the same thing: peace and prosperity. How they go about it is different though. I do tend to prefer less government involvement because in my opinion the only large project they've ever successfully and efficiently accomplished, in my opinion, was the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate system. The key is efficiency for me. I prefer keeping the government out, the left prefers keeping government in. Are we really that different? No. We're not. So stop yelling at your liberal or conservative acquaintances. Ask them what they want...what they really want, and it will sound eerily similar to what you want.

I'm not quite done, but that's all for now. Thanks for the patience. If I'm someone you didn't think I was, I'm sorry for that. But I feel a weight has been lifted, and there was a purpose for my compulsion to write tonight. Later, taters!

If this post were a Jeopardy category, it'd be named "Potpourri"

2010-04-11T17:13:00.002-05:00

I apologize to my legion of fans that have had to suffer through a month long absence of new content. I hope the three of you forgive me...

Several good friends from around the country have pitched in with ideas for this post. Let's start with a great American, Travis Hipps, who lives out in Seattle, WA. First things first, Travis wanted me to work in the following things to a blog post: An animal, Dale Earnhardt, The South, America, Seattle, and the Texas Longhorns. Let the record show, I successfully accommodated 5 out of 6 requests via my tasty photo illustration above. In good conscience, I couldn't work in the Texas Longhorns to the photo. I'm in school at Alabama for golly's sake. However, I just mentioned the Longhorns in the post so I'm 6 for 6 the way I see it. For the animal, I obviously went with the honey badger; the most ferocious mammal in the world. It's cute, but it will rip your heart out and stomp on your remains. Speaking of Honey Badgers, Matthew Fletcher down in New Orleans checked in. He is now one of America's leading authorities on Honey Badgers after his enlightenment to the fascinating mammal last summer. He dropped a line saying, "Sturge, I thought I saw a honey badger the other day...But obviously I didn't, because I'm still alive." Right on Fletch. We must respect and admire the honey badger, but we can never trust it. For America, I went with our gorgeous flag. For The South, I went with a picture of cotton, and for Seattle, I went with the Space Needle. What the heck is that thing anyway? It looks like the Eiffel Tower choked on a frisbee. Lastly, Alex Trebek is hanging out in the photo for 2 reasons. #1. Obviously, the Jeopardy reference. #2. The more important reason: Circa 1980's Trebek with the classic stash...and no shirt. What a man.

Back to Travis Hipps. He really gave me some good stuff in regards to St. Patrick's day back in March. I personally never celebrate the holiday...because I'm not Irish. I use to be grossly offended by pasty non-red headed, non-Irish folks walking around drunk at 11am saying, "WOOO! St. Patrick's Day, Duuude! Green beer! Wooo!" Indeed, I use to think it was idiotic for other non-Irish folks to go nuts on St. Paddy's day, but Hipps believes otherwise. He said he thinks we have successfully Americanized the holiday because as Americans, "We make up excuses to drink. That's just what we do." Most Americans have NO vested interest in St. Paddy's day, but they still drink because it's an excuse to party. Right on. I'll buy it. I'll no longer think terrible things about St. Paddy's Day fans.

Next. A female friend from the beautiful North Carolinian city of Chapel Hill gave me some disturbing news today. She'll have to remain anonymous because I don't want to get her in trouble. She said at a recent teacher workshop, another lady called her arrogant for saying her nationality was "American." The lady said, there are many America's. North America, South America, and "our perceived America." I just don't have time to go into how much this story pissed me off. But, hear me friends, we live in America; THE America. This psycho should be banned from speaking out loud and spreading her ridiculousness to young children. Apparently this woman believes we should refer to our nationality as "United Statesian." That sounds dumb. I refuse.

That's all I got. I'm all tuckered out.

I got two words for you, pal: Andres Galarraga

2010-03-16T18:42:00.000-05:00

-I'm going to explain how my latest story is American before I tell it...because if I tell the story first, you won't think it's that American. I am going to use basic logic to explain its "American-ness."

-Baseball is American. The Braves are the most popular baseball team of the American South. Therefore any story involving a current or former Braves player is American.

-On to the story: Never in my life have I ever wanted to know more about a conversation between two strangers than I did today at the gym. I was walking out of the Alabama SRC, and I heard a dude on his phone say: "I got two words for you, pal. Andres Galarraga. Andres Galarraga, son."

-Andres Galarraga?! Andres flipping Galarraga? The 6'3" Venezuelan who made a career out of pooping all over fast balls? The beast that hit .305 while dropping 44 bomb-diggidies and driving in 121 runs for the Braves in 1998? Andres Galarraga is absolutely awesome, but why, in the name of Bobby Cox, was he relevant to this guy's phone conversation? I want to know.

-What kind of question could the guy on the other end of the line have asked to elicit such a sure response? Perhaps, "Is there any human that could fight a honey badger, and live?" But, that couldn't have been the question, because we all know the only two men in history that could have fought a honey badger (barehanded) and lived are John Wayne and Dale Earnhardt. And they're both dead.

-Maybe the person on the other end of the line asked, "What do you have nightmares about?" Andres Galarraga could certainly be responsible for haunting young people's dreams; especially baseball players and specifically pitchers.

-The two phone buddies could have been in the midst a heated geo-political debate trying to figure out, "Who will be the next president of Venezuela after Hugo Chavez finally gives it up in 120 years?"Galarraga wouldn't be the first to parlay a successful sporting career into a political career. Let's see, there's Jesse "The Body" Ventura (if you consider professional wrasslin' a sport), Jack Kemp, and Arney the Governator (if you consider bodybuilding a sport).

-The most likely scenario is that they were discussing this year's Braves team, and somehow Galarraga came up. Maybe they were comparing the Braves' 2010 off-season acquisition of Troy Glaus to Galarraga. It would be nice if Glaus could revive his career in Hotlanta like Galarraga did, but that's unlikely.

-I will never know what those folks were talking about, but when anyone brings up Andres Galarraga, I take notice.

-Andres Galarraga: Steroid user? Well he did hit a career high number of homers at age 35, so probably. But who cares anymore? Successful Atlanta Brave? Absolutely. Large Latino who could beat the pee-pee out of a baseball? You bet'cha.

-Andres if you're out there, I hope you're doing well and using your homer-hitting skills to pick up all the beautiful Latinas. Party on.

-Andres Galaraga. It rolls off the tongue so easily and it's so fun to say. Try it with your friends.

An Interview with Alabama Starter, Brian Selman: Parts 1, 2, and 3 (click links below)

2010-03-06T10:30:00.001-06:00

-The Muffin-Cast is back. Brian Selman was kind enough to talk to me about playing football at Alabama and winning a national championship. In part one, Brian and I talk about what it was like on the field at the Rose Bowl; their upcoming trip to the White House and Obama's desire for a playoff system in D-1 football; and the challenge of balancing school and football.

CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE!!!

-In part 2, Selman explains how important football is to the people of Alabama. He talks about his reaction to Monday morning quarterbacking and negative fan reaction. He explains what it’s like for Alabama football players to go out in public in Tuscaloosa, and he lets us know about his new job with the Pittsburgh Pirates. You might also enjoy the classic Bear Bryant bite to start off the podcast. Roll Tide!

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2!!!

-In part 3, Brian talked about his heroes, his thoughts on Nick Saban, and the upcoming transition from college athlete to full-time employee.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 3!!!

-In other news, I can finally sleep at night because I've found my t-shirt for race day at Talladega on April 25th. It wasn't easy. As my NASCAR brethren know, your race day shirt is special because it speaks for you in the case that you can't speak for yourself at that point...I however, intend to party responsibly this time.

-Anyway, your race day shirt must scream 1 of 2 things: 1. I love America or 2. I love this driver. I went with number 1. I feel I acomplished my goal. Purple Mountains' majesty, bald eagles, and take a look at lady liberty hangin out in the mountain just left of center.

Alabama's Brian Selman to be on next MM podcast!

2010-02-22T21:42:00.000-06:00

The University of Alabama's starting long snapper from 2007-2009 will be on the next podcast to be posted this weekend. Brian Selman played for the Tide from 2006-2009, and helped UA to a national championship this past season.

Selman, who has a passion for the game of baseball, just a accepted an internship with the Pittsburgh Pirates in player development. We'll be discussing that as well. Check it out this weekend...Hopefully Saturday night or mid-day Sunday.

Let's Get Some Things Straight: A list

2010-02-17T09:23:00.001-06:00

1. I am greatly concerned about the traffic on my blog. Google provides me with reports about numerous things including number of hits and where the hits are from, and the data raises red flags. There's no need to get into the number of hits...let's just say that YOU, the current reader, reading this right now, make up a decent percent. Anyway, that's not the issue here. The issue is where the hits are coming from: Canada. I don't get it, and I don't like it. Not only are they right behind my fellow Americans in total hits, but on average, they spend more time on these pages than Americans. What's more disturbing is that our friends on the other side of the pond (The British) also spend more time here. I fear the worst-An all out plot to bring down Muffin Matters.

2. Within the borders of this great nation, I have failed to make a connection with our brethren in Maine, Montana, Iowa, Idaho, and Massachusetts. At this point, I would like to offer an olive branch to those unreached populations. People of Maine, your average summer temperatures can't be matched by the rest of the nation. Your rocky beaches in August are a hopeful destination of mine. Montana. Beautiful Montana. I love big skies and cows. And Glacier National Park is the finest of them all (and also the only National Park I've visited). Iowa, how bout those Cubs...those Iowa Cubs! People of Idaho, I love meat and potatoes, and we all know you grow some mean potatoes. Massachusetts. Ah, Massachusetts...Well, I don't really care if you folks like what I do here or not, but please don't take that the wrong way. What I really mean is the problem isn't you. The problem is me. I don't like you. "Oh how arrogant and ignorant," you undoubtedly think as you read along. My thoughts exactly.

3. Why haven't I mentioned the Winter Olympics? Good question. I don't have a great answer, but I will tell you that I don't have a way of watching them without cable or rabbit-ear reception. That's the main reason. The second reason is that Winter makes me want to puke. I hate cold weather and wind, and snow belongs on postcards only. The winter Olympians are tremendous athletes, and when it comes to fashion, well no one can top the male figure skaters. So I admire all the participants, but winter sports don't particularly interest me. Of course I want America to dominate the planet in the Olympics, but I will tell you that we had better focus on dominating our own economy, foreign policy, and the perceptions of America around the world before we worry about who can get down a snow-covered hill the fastest.

Great Success!

2010-02-05T09:37:00.000-06:00

The letter to the editor has been published. I have dealt a minor blow to the great UA bureaucracy. I would post a link, but the campus paper doesn't regularly update their site, so you'll have to take my word for it. Roll Tide.

All I Wanted was to Eat my Dang Bagel

2010-02-04T14:42:00.001-06:00

Some prick at the library told me I couldn't eat my dang bagel inside because it wasn't from the vending machine. I smiled, took my happy rear end outside and ate my flipping bagel. Then I took all my bottled up rage...and wrote a letter to the school newspaper's editor. I'll let you know if it gets published.

A quick note: To the vast majority of those reading, you will not be familiar with Tuscaloosa. So in case you find yourself wondering what the "Black Warrior" is, it is the main river that flows through the city and adjacent to campus.

To the Editor:

Nearly every day, I enjoy a bagel in the designated student “lounge” before I start studying at Rodgers Library. Before I could take a bite Thursday, I was told by someone on staff that food from home was against policy. However, I was allowed to enjoy something from the vending machine. I was told that there were benches outside where I could eat food from home. Splendid: The cigarette ash-covered, rarely manicured, anything but comfortable, black benches outside, where the temperature was 20 degrees cooler and wind-blown mist made my bagel soggy.

I have no issue with the kind staff person. What chaps me is the policy—another regrettable result of a large academic bureaucracy that leaves too many people with the idle time to make idiotic rules. Undoubtedly, if they get the chance, they will respond in one of two ways. 1. The policy was necessary to avoid a foreseen problem. 2. The policy is long standing and should be observed, regardless of opinion.

At its worst, the policy isn’t rooted in practical thinking, similar to the state of Arkansas’ law against mispronouncing “Arkansas” while within the borders. At its best (comparatively), the library policy is rooted in a commercial interest to encourage buying from the vending machines. Well, you’ll have to forgive me; In the midst of paying my way through school, I don’t want to drop a buck on “Andy Capps’ Delicious Hot Fries” that have enough sodium to dry up the Black Warrior.

Perhaps they would argue that food from home creates more mess. Garbage. My bagel leaves no trace.

Should I also refrain from defecating in the library’s bathrooms if my stools aren’t the direct result of munchies from the vending machine? “That’s ridiculous” you may say. The current policy is what’s ridiculous.

Casey T. Sturgill
csturgill@crimson.ua.edu

Nobody Puts Patrick Swayze in the Corner

2010-01-29T22:11:00.003-06:00

--With time running out in January, I wanted to hurry up and get out the last part of the interview with John Stillman on the year that was 2009: The Year of Death. I apologize up front for the questionable sound quality and other issues: this one was thrown together quickly, like a Keanu Reeves screenplay.

CLICK TO PLAY MUFFIN CAST # 3

In this Muffin Cast:
--Somehow, an English rock band makes its way into the podcast: disgraceful
--John and I become embarrassed and shocked by the fact that it took us so long to remember Patrick Swayze among those that left us in 2009
--I reveal my tendency towards aggressive measures
--John reveals his desire for a civil war

Podcast 2: Billy Mays, The Taco Bell Dog, and more from John Wayne

2010-01-16T22:07:00.003-06:00

Americana With the Muffin: Installment 2-Click!

New methodology this time. Just hit the link above...It will take you to the file's page where you can simply click play!
In the latest installment, John Stillman and I continue our discussion on 2009: The Year of Death.
-Things get dicey when Stillman questions my standing as an expert on all things Americana.
-The first ever Americana Sports Update marks its spot in Muffin Matters history.
-The search for closure on a 2009 that was tough to swallow continues.

Hit it up. And give feedback if you can. As you'll see in this installment, suggestions are quickly taken into consideration and applied.

First Ever Podcast: John Wayne, John F. Kennedy, John Stillman and More! Click "Americana With the Muffin" below!

2010-01-11T21:57:00.007-06:00

Americana With the Muffin (click)

--This has been a long time coming. Hope it's enjoyable. Thoughts, comments, suggestions would be much appreciated. Click the link and enjoy the digital party that is Americana With the Muffin.
--Speaking of parties I would like to pass along an experience I had in the first class of my Spring semester at Alabama. It's on of my core classes in the Sport Management curriculum. The professor asked every one of us to get up and tell our name, home town, our dream job, and we also had to sell ourselves on why we would be good for that job. Obviously, we heard the typical responses: athletic director, sports agent, marketing exectutive, student information director, etc. Well, I had to speak from my heart. After about 15 students it was my turn..."Hi my name's Casey Sturgill. I'm from Walnut Cove, North Carolina. I would like to work in sports for several years to earn some money to start my real job. I would like to own and run a bar and grill in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I believe I would be perfect for this job because I like party, I feel I know how to party, and I feel I can facilitate the perfect party. Thank you."

--The professor responded, "Well that's certainly unique. I have family in Cary, North Carolina. Next."

-Around the World in 80 Words- (12-29-09)

2009-12-29T09:36:00.000-06:00

--Football player gets concussion. Coach questions said player's toughness. Coach locks player in dark closet. Coach suspended. Typical.

--Would-be Christmas terrorist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, attempted to bring down a plane with an explosive 'bulge'. A Pakistani journalist warned us of 'Suicide Underwear' in 2008.

--An 86-year-old Indian governor resigned after a tape showed him getting busy with 3 young women. Headline of the week from The Times of India: 'After sex sting, AP governor Tiwari ejects prematurely.'

Merry Christmas from the Muffin!

2009-12-24T21:11:00.000-06:00

I do not enjoy being serious. It's typically not my style. But when Christmas comes, it seems right to express how blessed I am on a fine public forum like Al Gore's internet. For this one time and one time only, I must put down my guard when it comes to the content of this website. It is the policy of this site to avoid comment on 1. Politics, 2. Religion, and 3. the inner workings of the female brain. Later on, policy #2 is going to be breached...big time. Disciples of Darwin and Dawkins, consider yourself notified.

Sometimes my tongue and cheek approach to the greatness that is America may seem a bit ambiguous, but I want to make it clear how glad I am to be living in the United States of America. Thank God we can worship who/what we want, when we want. Thank God we can wish friends and family a "Merry Christmas" without being persecuted. I know the ever-increasing political correctness of the nation may seem like a terrible thing to some, but let's get real: Generally speaking, if you want to wish someone a "Merry Christmas" instead of saying "Happy Holidays," you can do it. If you want to wish someone a "Happy Hanukkah" or "Happy Chinese New Year," you can do it. And, even though your religious greetings may occasionally start a heated discussion in this country, they will not land you in prison. Thank God.

This Christmas, many of us are still adjusting to this new American economy. My current apartment, which 2 years ago I wouldn't have considered fit to live in, has become a quaint blessing. I no longer have cable. I unplug every electrical device in my place when I leave for the day. The heat is hardly ever turned on. As it turns it out, I can be just as warm if I just wear sweat pants and a sweat shirt while lounging around as I could be running the heat 24/7 and lounging in my birthday suit. I can't eat out much any more, but I haven't gone hungry one day in my life. Thank God.

I hope all of you are fortunate enough to have a great family like mine. To say that my family loves me would be a gross understatement. My mother and father are blessed people that have done absolutely everything humanly imaginable to make sure that I am safe, healthy,and happy. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are amazing people with terrific stories, ideas, and backgrounds that have shaped and influenced me. My brother is my best friend. My good friends, new and old, are people that I can trust my life to, and I hope they know I care for them just as deeply. Whether I am having a good day or a bad day, I know I am being loved at all times. Thank God.

Sometimes, I try to put everything in perspective and understand why things are the way they are...i.e. Why are things so good for me, but so bad for thousands across this country and even worse for millions around the world? I fall short of understanding these things every time I go down that mental road. As a Christian, I have complete and total faith in the Christmas story and every other story in the Bible. But, I still don't know or understand why things are the way the are. Non-Christians take issue with belief like mine in a world like ours, and believe it or not, I understand their point of view. It makes no sense. What pains me the most is seeing some Christians condemn others for their lifestyles, political affiliations, sexual orientations, race, class, and religious preferences. No wonder some people discount Christianity and other religions for that matter.

Again, I don't understand it all, but I will advance this passage from Luke in the New Testament which is similar to the dilemmas I just explained. It's from chapter 2. Jesus was a young boy:

42When he was 12 years old, they went up to the Feast, according to the custom. 43 After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. 44 Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. 45 When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. 46 After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. 47 Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48 When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." 49 "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" 50 But THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND what he was saying to them.

The parallel I saw was that these two parents: Mary, heavily favored by God, and Joseph, a descendant of David also heavily favored by God...didn't understand what Jesus was up too. Similarly, I believe in Him, but I don't understand. Some question that sort of belief; others think it's stupid. That's fine. They clearly have good reasons for doing so. Not to mention, Christians are often considered hypocrites due to way they live. This is especially common around Christmas when "Christians come out of the woodwork." There's a reason they come out of the woodwork. Christmas is pretty special; it gets to people. As for the argument non-Christians have that Christians are hypocrites: Good argument. Again, I don't know why things are the way they are. What I can tell you is that if Christmas never happened, and Jesus never came to Earth, there would be only three folks allowed in heaven: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit (and maybe Santa). Either way, thanks to Christmas and Easter, they got plenty of room for hypocrites up there. Thank God.

Merry Christmas everybody!

- Around the World in 80 Words - (12-17-09)

2009-12-17T20:07:00.000-06:00

--The Brits may have “dodgy” hand gestures like this guy, but they did figure out the genetic code of cancer. "Delightful."

--“Back in my day, it snowed all the time here in the hills of North Carolina.” Those days are back.

--Any proponents of acupuncture out there? I considered it until I stumbled upon this.

--Chinese man, Lo Wung taught his monkeys how to practice martial arts. The monkeys taught him how to beg for mercy.

-- ...Go Heels. Roll Tide.

The Dog that Ought to be Dead

2009-12-15T18:55:00.000-06:00

“That dog couldn’t make water for weeks. He ought to be dead.”

Most often, America is personified by…well, persons. Sometimes, though, an animal can chisel its legacy into the ever-expanding tablet of Americana that we honor here on Muffin Matters.

Today we honor a dog that has beaten all odds in order to simply still be standing. His name is Jake. Jake is a powerful American name. Consider ‘Jake the Snake’ for instance: A spectacular professional wrestler of old who enjoyed large pythons and trashy mustaches. How about ‘Big Jake’? One of John Wayne’s finest films shot in the twilight of his career. A career for Wayne, by the way, that ended far too soon. There’s Jake Owen who sings of the South’s best time-honored traditions in his country songs, and there’s Jake Delhomme who is known for his many, many interceptions on the NFL’s biggest stages.

The Jake we honor today though, is no ‘roided combatant of the steel cage nor is he a cue card-aided creation of the silver screen. He isn’t a legend beneath the neon moon of the Honky Tonk nor an inept handler of the pigskin on Carolina’s gridiron. No, this Jake is something else. He is a real American like us. He grew up in the fields of a sleepy North Carolina town called Kings Mountain. He was one of 5-20 children (the records are unclear). He never knew his father. He was taken from his mother soon after birth. One by one he watched his brothers and sisters as they were snatched in the night…and sometimes during the day. People called him a bastard. The same people told him that his long lost mother was a bitch. The odds were against Jake from the start, but he never got down and he kept plugging along. Family after family passed Jake by leaving him to fend for himself until one fateful day. That’s the day a kind man named Jimmy on Goforth Road agreed to take Jake in.

Jake’s life started to turn around. Jimmy had a barn and lots of new animal friends for Jake. Jake met Maggie the yellow lab, Cody the sheep dog, Ben the large angry billy goat, several nice horses, and countless bovines that were pleased to meet him. Jake was happier than he had ever been. He had a dogloo roof over his head and food on the ground every night. Things could only go downhill for Jake at that point, and that’s just what they did.

First, Jake’s new family noticed that his eyes were becoming cloudy, and his vision was leaving him quickly. Most likely a victim of cataracts, Jake soon became blind and was forced to travel by sense of smell, sound, and sudden impact.

It was perhaps Jake’s lack of sight that led him into a near fatal accident. To this day the details are unclear, and Jake refuses to talk of the incident. Family members believe one of two things happened to the brave dog. His owner Jimmy speculated:

“He was either sniffing around those horses out there and got kicked or he found that road out there and got hit by a car. Either way, it was bad…”

Jake’s private area (man land) and one of his legs became terribly swollen. An essential function could not be performed. “That dog couldn’t make water for weeks. He ought to be dead. We thought for sure he’d die,” said Jimmy.

To Jimmy and everyone else's surprise and delight, Jake did not die. No, Jake did what he has done his whole life: he took a lick and kept on ticking. The pain he had to be in isn’t even fathomable. The adversity he faced just to be standing and walking today is incredible. Now, the only sign of Jake’s accident is the slightest of hitches in his gitty-up. And, since he’s blind, he really doesn’t gitty-up too fast these days anyway for risk of certain head trauma.

The fact that Jake is alive is amazing in itself. But what’s most impressive is that he has got to be one of the most content dogs I’ve ever been around. He’ll sniff his way over the river and through the woods to grandma’s house just to wag his tail and say hello to the rest of Jimmy’s family when they visit for holidays. That’s how I know Jake. Jimmy is my uncle and my grandmother and grandfather live right through the woods where Jake slowly makes his way every time we visit. He can’t see; he’s probably still in pain from his near-deadly accident; and he constantly bumps into animate and inanimate objects whenever he dares to commute. And yet, here he is, happy and proud as can be. When he’s sitting there with his nose in the air towards the wind (because he sure as hell can’t see what’s coming), he truly looks stoic and all-knowing. He should be an inspiration to us all. Maybe you are fortunate to know someone or some animal like Jake who has faced and knocked the heck out of adversity. That’s truly emblematic of the American spirit.

Long live Jake, and when he doesn’t live anymore, they’ll all say, “he shouldn’t have made it this long to being with.” Quite a compliment if you ask me.

-Special thanks to Tony T-Bone Sturgill for the pictures.

Green, Yellow, Roll Tide

2009-11-23T20:48:00.000-06:00

After arriving in Tuscaloosa on August 10th, it took me approximately 48 hours to realize that something was different around this town. It was quickly apparent that driving to and fro required more attention and diligence than in my previous cities of residence. First of all, the roads here are not as well maintained as they are in North Carolina. For that matter, I don’t think any other state in the south has roads as well kept as those in NC. For God’s sake, North Carolinians pay an arm and a leg on gas tax at the pumps, so they better get something in return. The roads though, aren’t the main problem down here in ‘Bama. Nope, the main problem is a cultural phenomenon that I have yet to get to the bottom of.

I’m talking about the alarming frequency at which these psychopaths run red lights. The first full day I was down here, I noticed one or two cars running red lights at major intersections. I thought to myself, “look as this guy; what an idiot.” Now, running red lights is by no means a rare occasion anywhere. But, everywhere else I’ve been, it has been uncommon enough to elicit a response from drivers and passengers each time it happens. Well, down here, running red lights doesn’t draw a response…it’s freakishly normal. I thought I was going crazy until the 3rd week of the semester when my sport law professor went off on a tangent about drivers in Tuscaloosa. He said, “This is one of the worst places I’ve ever seen when it comes to daggum idiots running red lights.” I can’t express how relieved I was to hear someone else mention this; I wasn’t going crazy. Since the professor threw it out there, I started asking several people about it, and they agreed with my assessment. However, some of them said they really hadn’t given it much though until I brought it up. Apparently it’s such a way of life down here that’s it goes unnoticed.

Now that I know how things go around town, I know to give it a couple of seconds before I hit the accelerator coming off a green light. It’s comical really. When my brother came to visit, I told him about the red light running, and I’m not sure if he believed me at first. But sure enough, the first time we got caught at a light, I told him to wait and watch. Sure enough, 2 cars flew under a red light right on cue.

I have seen police at these same intersections when a car runs a red light…and they do nothing. So why is this? I have a couple of theories. 1. There are a crap-ton of stoplights in Tuscaloosa, and it seems possible that people just get fed up and say, “kiss my ass, I’m not stopping.” 2. A terrible rash of red-green color blindness in the region…along with up/down dyslexia. 3. They see “red” and think crimson causing them to undergo a sudden rush and push their pedal to the metal while yelling “Rolllllllllllll Tide!”

Either way, what's really important here is that everyone in Tuscaloosa was probably awful at the kids' game "red light-green light." Tragic.

Top 10 American Songs: 5-1

2009-11-04T22:35:00.000-06:00

Before moving on to the top-5, a couple of things. Be sure to click the song title if you want to see the music video for each one. Next, it's time that all the honorable mentions be acknowledged. So, here’s the list of those that just missed: “Fireflies” (Owl City), “Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison),“Happy Birthday to You” (Preston Ware Orem), “Papa was a Rolling Stone” (The Temptations), “Can’t Touch This” (MC Hammer), “He Stopped Loving Her Today” (George Jones), “Folsom Prison Blues” (Johnny Cash), “What’s Going On” (Marvin Gaye), “Respect” (Aretha Franklin), “Like a Rolling Stone” (Bob Dylan), “Bridge over Troubled Water” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Hotel California” (The Eagles), “Superstition” (Stevie Wonder), “Great Balls of Fire” (Jerry Lee Lewis), “Mrs. Robinson” (Simon and Garfunkel), “Lose Yourself” (Eminem), “Proud to be an American” (Lee Greenwood…best performed by William Speight and Casey Sturgill at the Thorpe/Burleson wedding).

Now on to those that really matter.
5. “Ring of Fire”-Johnny Cash (1963)

No music countdown would be complete without “The Man in Black.” Cash was known for his hard country sound that some classified as “Rockabilly.” What exactly is “rockabilly”? We don’t have the time to digress, and I really don’t know anyway.

“Ring of Fire” was co-written by Cash and his last wife, June Carter Cash. The two filled up newscasts in 2003 when June died in May (no pun) of that year. Not to be outdone, Johnny kicked the bucket just four months later in September. Naturally all the adoring fans insisted June was getting lonely up in heaven, and Johnny was getting lonely down on Earth…Problem solved.

Bottom line; this is the 5th of the first 6 songs in the countdown to have a deceased singer. When you die, you fly in American pop culture, baby.

Johnny said he got the idea for the mariachi-style horns “in a dream with a Mexican theme.” Love Cash to death, but I’m guessing this dream occurred before he dropped the booze and cocaine. Turned out great, though! The song has been covered and majorly released by over 50 artists, making it one of the most industry-popular songs on the list.

4. “Ain’t too Proud to Beg”-The Temptations (1966)

Songs from Motown could have filled this list, but I tried to pick one of the finest. This is one you all should have heard, even if you’re from my generation. Movies and TV shows use the tune quite often, and it gets played on Oldies radio stations religiously. In fact, it is CURRENTLY one of the most requested songs on oldies stations today. The most requested song on oldies radio, in case you were wondering, is “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” by Elliot Lurie and Looking Glass. The source of my information you may ask; the syndicated “True Oldies Channel.”

“Ain’t too Proud to Beg” was the product of several Motown all-stars including Smokey Robinson, Norman Whitfield, and of course The Temptations. The producers, songwriters, and artists would often meet in their “Hitsville, USA” offices to go over songs and perfect their latest works. The fact that they were involved with an organization called “Hitsville, USA” pushed the Temptations way up this list. The song peaked at 13 on the overall Billboard chart and remained number 1 on the R&B chart for eight weeks in ‘66.

And in case you’re wondering about the death tally, many of the Temptations have come and gone on this great, green earth. Of the 17 members that have been a part of The Temptations at some time or another, eight are dead. Of the original five who were responsible for “Ain’t too Proud to Beg,” four have checked out including David Ruffin, Melvin Franklin, Paul Williams, and Eddie Kendricks. Otis Williams stands alone; for now.

3. “Sweet Home Alabama”-Lynyrd Skynyrd (1974)

Did you think I would go through this countdown without paying homage to my current state of residence? Wasn’t gonna happen. Even without my current address being considered, “Sweet Home Alabama” should make the top-ten. Debatable? Maybe for you. It’s my number three.

This song is synonymous with outdoor sporting events as well as any outdoor event where people like to party. For a song that is seemingly void of much meaning, there’s a lot behind it.

Like Johnny Cash’s epiphany, the rift for the song came to bassist Ed King in a dream. I’ve never once had a dream with awesome rifts playing in my head. I’ve also never had a dream that propelled me to national fame. I guess some people have it, and some people don’t. Or maybe, it’s just some people use heavy drugs and some people don’t. I don’t know.

Moving on. In the studio version that most of you have probably heard, you hear the song open with lead singer Ronnie Van Zant saying, “Turn it up.” Interestingly enough, this was just a recording mistake that they decided to keep in because it fit. Van Zant was simply telling the producer to bump up his headphones during the recording. So far, this song has been carried by a dream and a recording mistake. Makes me think I’m in the wrong business.

The meat of the song is much more thought out. Neil Young wrote and sang the song “Southern Man” which took on many problems in the South, most notably slavery and the debt that Young believed African Americans were owed. Skynyrd lead singer, Van Zant wrote “Sweet Home Alabama” as a response to Young’s overwhelmingly negative take on the South. It’s important to note that Van Zant wasn’t supporting slavery or past abuse with the song. As he put it, “We thought Neil was shooting all the ducks in order to kill one or two.” This is absolutely the most historically interesting song on the countdown in my opinion. The debate that Van Zant and Neil Young were having wasn’t too drastically different than the much more polished musings of W.J. Cash who wrote “The Mind of the South,” and the Southern Agrarians who wrote many manuscripts supporting the ideals of the American South (but not slavery). W.J. Cash ran down the south much like Young did. The Agrarians admitted a gross error in judgment on the issue of slavery, but insisted the other ways of the South were worth preserving and would lead to better lives.

Neil Young, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and “Sweet Home Alabama”; they’re as far as you need to go when trying to understand the complex history of the South. Who knew?

2. “Fortunate Son” – Creedence Clearwater Revival (Summer of ’69)

Another great song with American historic relevance. John Fogerty, lead singer and writer, explained in several interviews that he saw Richard Nixon’s daughter hanging out with Dwight Eisenhower’s son at a fancy function. Fogerty was disgusted because neither were going to be adversely affected (if at all) by the Vietnam War. Fogerty was against the war in Vietnam and more recently became outspoken against the war in Iraq.

I’ve heard many folks say that CCR’s hit is not patriotic. I disagree completely. I believe the more correct assessment would be that it is not a ringing government endorsement. But, I think it absolutely qualifies as patriotic, because Fogerty was speaking to an injustice that he thought to be great at the time. He didn’t think it fair for the poor folks to be getting drafted to fight while the “fortunate sons” sat at home playing Tidily Winks.

Rolling stone ranked the song as their 99th best of all time. Similar to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” Fogerty’s “Fortunate Son” has been covered and sampled by many different artists in different genres ranging from .38 Special to Wyclef Jean. Popular culture has taken to the song as well. Wrangler pumped the jam in a line of commercials aimed at promoting a new style of jeans. Wrangler smartly avoided the controversial lyrics. The song was also featured in Forest Gump and Live Free or Die Hard. Hard to find another song on the list that is more qualified to make the top ten.

1. “Fire and rain”-James Taylor (1970)

What an amazing song. Taking a look back through the list, I believe this song has the most powerful lyrics of any other listed. Most, if not all of us, can relate to this song in one way or another. A common theme is advanced urging the listener to take no day, no one, no thing for granted. Many, MANY writers have taken this song head on to dissect it and delve into its deepest meanings. That’s what sets “Fire and Rain” apart. It’s fantastic on many different levels. Great to listen to, good lyrics, and meaningful. Not to mention CAROLINA’S own James Taylor is responsible! Speaking of which; Town of Chapel Hill, please listen to me. Find a better bridge to name after this man than the one on S. Columbia that crosses over 15-501. In fact, find something better altogether to name after this man.

Back to the song. First of all, Rolling Stone had no clue about what they were doing when they ranked it way down at 227 out of 500 of the greatest songs of all time. Clearly belongs much higher. Admittedly, just my opinion, and Rolling Stone, I’ve heard, is a bit of an authority in such matters. Oh well.

What exactly is it about? Who was it written for? Theories abound, and Taylor himself has given mixed answers on the subject, but it seems clear that the friend he expected to see again was Suzanne Schnerr who died in a plane crash. In an NPR interview, Taylor also said that it was partly about his struggle to get over drugs and alcohol. Lastly, the song was an attempt in part for Taylor to try and deal with his own fame which wasn’t always pleasant and enjoyable.

You can find the tune on the album Sweet Baby James. Awesome to end with a fantastic Carolina alum who grew up right in Carrboro. For some ungodly reason, he now resides in the northeast, but I won’t hold it against him. Nobody’s perfect.

Thanks for reading and to borrow from the psycho, Lout Holts, I would like to tell you this. If you like Americana with the Muffin, drive with your headlights on during the day to show your support. If you don’t like American with the Muffin, drive with your headlights off at night.

C-Ya later alligators!

Top 10 American Songs: 10-6

2009-10-03T00:55:00.000-05:00

--It’s time for a friggin’ countdown! The first countdown we ever had on MM was the top-5 American Animals. That was tons of fun, so why not try another? Today we’re going to discuss something that’s much more likely to create debate and elicit opinions. I’m going to give you what I believe are the top-5 AMERICAN songs of all time.
--Here’s a quick list of artists you won’t find in this post: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Def Leopard, Genesis or Phil Collins.
--Our heavy-hitting headbangers will be pissed because Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, The Scorpions, Lordi, and The Ting-Tings are all disqualified.
I regret to inform you that the man, the myth, the legend, Rockin’ Rod Stewart is ineligible along with U2, Elton John, Coldplay and The Who.
--I rejoice to tell you that there’s no chance of ABBA, David Bowie, The Eurythmics, or Madonna making the list, either. “Madonna is American,” you may retort. True, but her music sucks. And as far as I’m concerned she’s a Frenchy, Canadian, or North Korean in disguise.
--For a second, that list may make you wonder if America actually has any good music for itself. Well don’t worry patriots. America’s got plenty. Of course.
To the countdown!

10. “Paradise City”-Guns N’ Roses (1988)

--“Paradise City.” Yes. Party time. We all like to party, or at least we should. This song was made for partying. When people use the term “party like a rock star” I immediately think of Axl Rose and Guns N’ Roses. Rose, the primary writer of the song’s lyrics was unclear about the place referred to as “Paradise City.” Was it Los Angeles? Panama City? Fayetteville, North Carolina? We’re really not sure. We are sure that partying is American and therefore, so is this song. Top-Ten American? Yeah, I think so.

9. “Don’t Stop Believing”-Journey (1981)

--The title itself reflects an absolutely American theme. To achieve the American dream, you’ve got to do what? You gotta keep believing, baby. We’ve all be in situations where this song was especially pertinent; that’s why it was a no doubter on the list.
--Anthem. That’s the best way to describe this song. Sports, business, love life, The Sopranos; this song is has been a theme song for them all. It’s especially awesome for me because it was the undisputed anthem of the UNC Club Baseball team that finally made the lyrics come to fruition with a 2007 national championship…Somewhere Michael Schuit and Brad Shinn are smiling.
--Parties, bars, weddings, graduations, you name it. This song fits them all. And everybody loves shouting the words at the top of their lungs to a greater extent than any other song I know.

8. “Changes”-Tupac (1998)

--Have you noticed that being dead certainly doesn’t hurt an artist’s chances of getting some recognition?
--Tupac Shakur talked about change way before Barak Obama did, but Shakur never saw a black man become president, as mentioned in the lyrics of this song. Really an incredible song that helped Shakur’s public image after his death. Shakur died in ’96 but this song didn’t get released until ’98 after lots of remixing and shuffling of verses. The song uses heavy samples from Bruce Hornsby’s ‘The Way It Is,’ but Shakur’s rapping is clearly the focal point. Powerful lyrics from a self-proclaimed “thug” trying to get by. To date, this is the only posthumously released song to be nominated for a Grammy in the “Best Rap Solo Performance” category-it lost to Eminem’s ‘My Name Is’.
--Racism, drugs, police brutality; this song has them all, and unfortunately they’re all a part of America.

7. “Smells Like Teen Spirit”-Nirvana (1991)

--The dead are piling up quick on this list. Quite a celebrity skeleton slumber party we’ve got going on here.
--Anyway, Simple four-chord riff, no earth-shattering lyrics, in fact no understandable lyrics, and not perceived by the band to be a hit. Some things just happen.
--Many reviews say it was representative of the new teen culture that was emerging in the early 90s. If you remember, that was the time of the so-called ‘Generation-X.’ I still resent that name. Anyway, this was a big part of a cultural shift in my opinion. Teens started to feel empowered for better or for worse (for worse in my opinion), and they’ve never looked back.
--Further adding to the song’s significance, it was considered by some to be one of the first songs of the genre entitled “alternative rock” (Rolling Stone). Rolling stone, in fact, named it the 9th greatest song of all time (the highest Rolling Stone rank of any song in the MM Top-Ten American Countdown).

6. “In the Ghetto”-Elvis Presley (1969) Note: The music video I have selected in no way represents the meaning of the song. Instead, it honors the great and mighty honey badger which is another blog altogether. Enjoy.

--Some of you will probably be offended that Elvis has only 1 song in the top ten. You could easily argue that he deserves more than 1 song on the list. One could also argue that if just one of Elvis’ songs were going to make the list, this shouldn’t be it. Well, counting down the greatest American songs isn’t easy, so back off.
--Elvis was and is an American icon. This song is about as relevant to the history and culture of America as any other you’ll find. The culture of “the ghetto” is usually ignored, forgotten, or shunned. For better or worse though, many, MANY ghettos exist. In this song Elvis sings about the plight of the poor inner-city mother who is blessed and cursed with a child. America, like Elvis, has shown a propensity towards sympathy for the poor, homeless, and hopeless. However, a proper solution has not been found; it probably never will be. The great American tragedy continues.

5-1 coming soon. Tell me if you disagree so far.

Life Without Cable

2009-09-24T15:44:00.000-05:00

--I moved to Tuscaloosa. Really couldn’t swing paying for ridiculously over-priced cable. Two nights in, I thought I’d never make it. One week in, I KNEW I’d never make it. Two weeks in, I thought there was a chance. Three weeks in, I was done with it forever. Yeah, like forever-forever. I will never again give my money to Satan’s cohorts, ‘Time Warner’ and ‘Comcast.’

--People, I’m here today to tell you that life without cable is not only possible but enjoyable. After two weeks, you’re so out of the loop on all the shows that you just don’t care anymore. There’s much less to distract you when you don’t have cable. You can find yourself doing funny things like cleaning up, taking care of things that need to be done, being productive, even reading the news or reading a book.

--I think the main thing I would like to get across to you is this: The CEO’s of Time Warner, Comcast, Charter, etc. are probably going to hell. They pump out products that are NOWHERE near the value they charge for them. The service of each and every cable company is crappy because it doesn’t have to be good for people to buy it. Seriously, do you have any options when it comes to cable in your area? Sure, Direct TV and Dish Network but they are just the lesser of the evils. When you don’t have cable, you don’t miss it. Honest. You don’t. Stick it to the man, and drop your cable like Dalton drops low-lifes at the Road House.

--I will now analyze the pros and cons of cables in a completely non-scientific way:

PROS of having cable:
-John Wayne is usually on AMC every weekend at some point.
-The aforementioned “Road House” was on 1-2 times a week…even before Patrick Swayze said “Goodbye world. Hello Glory.”
-‘College Gameday’ on ESPN
-Sportscenter
-The SPEED Channel
-The show ‘Planet Earth’
-‘Saved by the Bell’ re-runs
-Cable is a way to escape reality and relax for a while

CONS of having cable:
-You’re exposed to the digital diarrhea that is MTV. Whether you know it or not, MTV eats your brain from the inside out. Stop now before it’s too late
-Bill O’Reilly
-Keith Olberman (yeah, both of them are pricks)
-According to the Nielsen Company, Americans spend one-sixth of their time watching cable television. For those of you who don’t think this is a bad thing; re-evaluate your lives. Immediately.
-Just having cable TV is a proven risk factor of becoming obese

Say no to the devil, and reject cable. Kill your televisions before they kill you!

Don't Even Think About Working This Weekend

2009-09-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

--Put another summer in the books. This weekend, we celebrate Labor Day and the great working spirit of America…At least what’s left of it. Over the last 30 years or so, there’s been quite a shift in American business culture. Thanks to our greedy society’s insistence on cutting cost of production via outsourcing and out-of-country labor, the American worker has become so jaded that the idea of “taking pride in your work” is almost out the door. Nobody works at a place for 30 years, collects their pension, and rides off into the sunset anymore. Instead we’re forced to jump from job to job with social security and taxes making it hard to actually plan for retirement. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t think Labor Day is a very special holiday anymore. Other than its un-official secondary function as the end of summer, it’s pretty worthless to me. In case you’re not sold on my analysis of the holiday, consider this: It originated in Canada. True story. Don’t shoot the messenger.

--Anyway, let’s focus on the only attractive part of Labor Day which is its significance as the un-official end of summer. Our days at the pool are numbered, as well as our days at the beach. Front-porch sitting will soon be replaced by gathering around the fire. Sun-bathing will be replaced by throwing on extra layers. Sayings such as “I’m sweating like Bill Clinton at an intern orientation dinner,” and “It’s hot enough out here to melt Michael Jackson’s face,” will soon be replaced with “It’s cold enough out here to freeze my whiskey” or “I’m colder than a playmate on a skiing trip.” Lastly, seeing as how it’s Labor Day, for God’s sakes ladies, don’t wear white anymore this year.

--Hopefully you all had a terrific summer. I learned, discovered, and determined several things over the past 3 months or so.

1. Working with kids is good for your mental health. Sure, the “I-pissed-my-pants brigade” gets a bum rap sometimes, but they’ve got many more positives than they do negatives. While coaching the 9-10 year-old Chapel Hill Reds with 3 of my friends, one of the players informed Coach John that he was “an amphibian.” This should not be confused as a reference to a couple of former NBA players that insisted they were amphibians because they could dribble with both hands. No, I don’t believe the young man on our team was referring to be ambidextrous. He was asserting that he was indeed an amphibian…like a frog…or a lizard.

--While working at the YMCA early this summer, I was introduced to new word while playing UNO. Here was the situation. I had one card left, and the young man to my left said the following statement before playing a draw-4 card, “Well this is gonna to be fun fo’ me and punishment fo’ you. I’ll call it Fun-ishment!”

--Also at the YMCA this year, I got to enjoy what happens when children don’t know what to do with all their energy. One day I was talking to my middle schoolers on the playground. They were seated and about to use a kick ball which was sitting on the ground beside me. A kid that was about 5 or 6 ran over screaming and kicked the ball as hard as he could. He immediately silenced himself and stared at me for 3 seconds before promptly turning around and running away.

2. The Chicago Cubs no longer deserve unconditional support from their fans and from especially me. This loveable losers image is for fairies. Let’s be honest, it sure as hell hasn’t worked the last 100 years. The fact that some of the players have complained about the fans at Wrigley this year has ticked me off a tad. Milton Bradley and the like have cried because they feel there’s hatred directed at the Cubs for not winning…Yeah. Because you’re a bunch of overpaid schmucks who play in front of a packed house that has gotten tired of giving endless support in exchange for you sucking. Grow a set. And any “true Cubs fan” who wants to tell me I’m out of line can shove it; I don’t associate with losers. Current Cubs fans, listen carefully to me. Don’t sit back and act like everything’s going to be ok. Lots of fans throughout the 1900s took this approach…and they’re dead now. Thank goodness, I’ve got the Tar Heels to fall back on for some winning. Congrats to the Diamond Heels on another awesome season.

--I learned more stuff this summer. I’ll get back to it in a day or two. In the meantime, it’s Labor Day weekend. Let’s party.

If This Post Were A 'Jeopardy' Category, It Would Be Called "POTPOURRI"

2009-08-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

---Tuscaloosa and the University of Alabama continue to impress. There are enough country stations around here to fill up 2 pre-set lists on my car radio. Today’s country, yesterday’s country, the newbies, the oldies. You name it, I got it, all in the comfort of my 2001, 4-cylinder, front-wheel-drive Black Stallion- Nissan Sentra. If you sometimes feel out of place because of your love for honky tonk music and PBR beer; If brushing your teeth sometimes strikes you as a nuisance; If you believe tobacco is a vegetable; If reading novels makes you vomit; If your idea of “Progressive Talk” is this week’s NASCAR starting grid; If you believe Okra is an odd variation of Fried Okra…Consider joining me in Alabama.

---In the “Muffin should have known this” Department, we have this: Eli Gold is the voice of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team. I certainly should have known this, but as it stands, it’s a fantastic surprise. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli Gold; he is the owner of the soothing radio voice that talks left turns on “NASCAR Live” each week. A bona fide American.

---Everybody in Tuscaloosa is counting down to the September 5th college football kickoff game between the Crimson Tide and the Virginia-Tech Hokies. As a Tar Heel, I would love to see Alabama knock the poo-poo out of V-tech. Forget about the ACC trying to “represent.” I’m tired of the Virginia Tech football team, and I’m especially tired of the term “Beamer Ball,” which apparently means “No National Championship Ball.” Naturally the angered V-tech fan will respond, “Hey a-hole, Carolina’s never won a national championship in football.” Correct. But we don’t run around calling it “Butch Ball,” now do we?

***There’s other stuff happening outside of T-town and Chapel Hill believe it or not. Everybody’s favorite rich redneck, Jerry Jones has really done it this time. The world’s largest HD-TV resides in the new Cowboys Stadium. It sports a hefty price tag of 40 million dollars. And, it’s also too flippin’ low. Hit by a Titans punter last week, Jerry Jones insists that the little prick was kicking straight up and did it on purpose. Ohhhhhhhh, ok Jerry. So, as long as punters don’t try to hit the big screen, it won’t be an issue. Gotcha’ buddy. That screen’s just fine as is. Don’t change a thing…except the way games are played in your venue.

***Did you all hear about this story that claims 90% of US currency has traces of cocaine?! Do you think maybe the Dallas Cowboys and their teams of the last 2 decades had anything to do with this? Just wondering.

^^^According to this story from ESPN.com, Florida International is shocked and appalled that they have been scheduled to take on the Heels for their 2009-2010 basketball season opener. "We will not be bullied into a unilateral decision to play North Carolina after we already agreed to play Ohio State," Pete Garcia, FIU Athletic Director, said. HA! What- A -Fairy. I hope FIU head coach Isiah Thomas embraces the challenge unlike his neutered boss. Could you ever imagine an up-and-coming program at UNC like the football team, for instance, being thrown into a game against a powerhouse like Texas or USC? And then, could you imagine Dick Baddour saying, “Hey! Hey! Heyyyyy! Nuh-uh. I don’t think so mister.” Nah, we can’t imagine that. Because he’s a man.

~~~Lastly, from KTLA in Los Angeles I read this: The crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s remains has been sold for 4.6 million dollars, on eBay. The reasoning? Well, the old bat whose husband was resting there decided she wanted to pay off her home in Beverly Hills. So. She just decided to move her husband’s remains from above Ms. Monroe, and sell the spot. The winner on eBay (drum roll please)…Someone who goes by the initials, “O.S.” Listen, it’s a free country, obviously. But, if I had 4.6 million dollars set aside for the purpose of being placed on top of a woman, I’d want that woman and myself to be alive…very alive.

Breaking news about Brett Favre...And it isn't pretty

2009-08-18T19:35:00.000-05:00

--The Brett Favre firestorm has begun again. Since Favre’s first retirement and comeback, I’ve gone from interested, to entertained, to anxious, to confused, to annoyed, to interested, to annoyed. It’s very easy to be ticked off due to the seemingly never-ending saga that is Brett Favre’s playing career. However, I have to wonder what it would be like to have a microphone in my face every second of every day while trying to make a major life decision. You know how it is when you’re making a really tough decision that could go either way, right? You go back and forth. You’re certain of one thing one minute, and certain of another thing the next. Now, imagine the media asking you what you were thinking a thousand times a day…I could hypothetically see myself doing what Brett Favre has done. That being said, the media coverage has undoubtedly been annoying and way too extensive.

--While we all have our opinions on Favre’s retirements and comebacks, that’s not the primary purpose of this column. The reason I’m writing is that I have to pass along a premonition I received recently in regards to Brett Favre…and it isn’t pretty. Now, now, once you read this, don’t go off thinking I’m some kind of sicko or maniac. I don’t want this to happen; I just think it may happen. Ok? So…

--I think the only fitting way for Brett Favre to end his ‘career’ is to be carted off the field. And when I say carted off the field, I mean carted off the field of life. I mean carted off for good. For good, good…Like ‘goodbye world, hello glory’-good. Like ‘lights out’-good. Like ‘skeleton slumber party’-good. I know it’s morbid, but come on, would it not be fitting? Let’s put this in perspective using another legend. I am a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt and his legacy, and I wish he was still with us today. I hate that he’s gone, and I wish I could still watch him on Sundays. But given the tragic circumstances, Dale went out rather fittingly, did he not? Nobody wanted to see Dale Earnhardt die of a heart attack or cancer. No. If Dale Earnhardt had to die (which was debatable until it actually happened), it had to be doing something manly and race-related. I’m afraid the same may be true for Favre and football.

--Anyway, Besides Jimmy Hoffa, who else belongs buried under a stadium? Brett friggin’ Favre, man! If something happens, he needs to be buried right under a 50-yard-line somewhere, somehow. It would be perfect and fitting. And, you could do a two-for-one on the burial and memorial service because you’d already be in a place with plenty of seats…right?

--I mean, I’m not saying---I’m just saying----Just think about it. I don’t want it to happen people. It just makes sense

Welcome To Tuscaloosa !

2009-08-13T21:53:00.001-05:00

--After 4 days in Tuscaloosa, I feel qualified to write about it.

--First of all, to call Alabama a football state and Tuscaloosa a football town simply doesn’t do them justice. People that I’m meeting for the first time ever are asking, “are you ready for the game?” They’re referring to the September 5th matchup against Virginia-Tech. I’m trying to fit in, so I’ve been responding in this manner: “You know Hugh? …Hugh Damn Right! Let’s beat some Hokie ass, what’dya say?” These people have no interest whatsoever in college basketball, pro sports, or proper English, and I love it (except the distaste for college basketball of course). Back to proper English. In all seriousness, this is no small issue. In North Carolina, several people gave me a hard time for my southern accent and dialect. That’s ridiculous to me. You live in North Carolina people; southern accents happen.

--Continuing on now in stream-of-consciousness style: Got to go in Bryant-Denny Stadium (UA’s football stadium) today. Me and some other folks that were in a sales workshop decided to waltz our happy rear ends on to the playing field and the 50-yard line. This was really neat for 2 main reasons. 1: I was on the friggin’ 50-yard line of Alabama’s football field and 2. Most of the students I was with actually went to UA but they had never been on the field. Watching how ridiculously excited they were reminded me of seeing people hang out on the court of the Dean Dome for the first time. Really cool.

--My living arrangement has positives and negatives. It’s located near downtown Tuscaloosa on a road called Hackberry Lane. When people ask me where I live, I think I’m going to start calling it ‘The Hack Attack’ for 2 main reasons. 1: It sounds awesome. 2: Hackberry Lane sounds like a street in a horror movie. Think about it…If you were a serial killer, a road called “Hackberry Lane” would be a heck of a place to start.

--The apartment complex was built in the 1940’s so it’s kind of like hanging out at a grandparent or older relative’s place. It’s old-school for sure, and I like that. I mean, I'm living in an antique for goodness sake. Another thing that’s cool is that I can hear the marching band practicing each evening, and the football team actually practices less that 3/4 of a mile from here. All the residents here are graduate or law school students, so it’s very quiet which is a big plus.

--On the negative side, I’ve got no dishwasher or central air. I also have no washing machine or dryer because there are no hookups. In all honesty though, I don’t mind this stuff too bad. I’ve got a window unit in my bedroom which is all that really matters, and I’ve got two working arms so washing dishes is straight. Overall, Hackberry gets my seal of approval. I would absolutely recommend it to any dirt poor grad student.

--Obviously, I already miss all my good friends and family back in NC, but I knew that would be the case. Good news though. Thanks to Al Gore’s World Wide Net Web, and cellular telephone services, we’ll all be able to stay in touch.

--Can’t wait to write more about Alabama, but for now I’ve got to go for 3 main reasons. 1. A fantastic feature film starring Frank Sinatra (Kings go Forth) starts in 10 minutes on the only TV channel I get on my receiver. 2. I need to turn on the lights in the bathroom to give the cockroaches a head start so they don’t clog up the shower drain. Just kidding! LOL! LO-freakin’L. I don’t have cockroaches. ..At least I don’t think I do. 3. Nick Saban is throwing rocks at my window trying to get more advice from me on how to run the team. This guy just doesn’t stop.

COSMIC PAYCHECK!

2009-08-02T21:04:00.001-05:00

--Sometimes I find it hard to come up with topics to write about. Other times, topics fly up and hit me in the face like gnats at a picnic.

--Not too long ago, I went to Kroger. Let me digress before I even start. Kroger is the finest grocery establishment in the country. ‘Right Store, Right friggin Price’ baby. Love it. Their store brands not only match but exceed the competition. Their sodas are life changing: ‘Dr. K’, ‘Citrus Drop’, and the very simple ‘Lemon Lime’ are just a few. Their boxed Mac and Cheese is the only store brand in America that keeps pace with Kraft. I am an expert in this field. Food Lion’s Mac and Cheese: cardboard. Harris Teeters Mac and Cheese: Too salty. pure garbage. Wal-Mart’s Great (or good?) Value Mac and Cheese: Please. It’s flippin’ amateur hour. Anyway, I went to Kroger.

--I pulled into the parking lot and spotted an opening. While driving into the spot, I witnessed one of the finest displays of Southern Americana ever. Picture this: A green 1994 or ’95 Chevy Astro Van. A fine American “whip,” if you will. That baby sported a 4.3 liter V6 that was produced back when gas was cheaper than beer. A typical Astro would get you 12.4 miles per gallon highway…new. Love’em.
Moving on to what was in and around the van. The passenger door was wide open to promote free air flow. One little girl was in the back playing with her toy horses. Two young boys were behind the Astro, near my spot. They were shirtless. The entire family had just come from the lake most likely. One young man sported Transformers trunks and the other sported an American Flag set of trunks. His trunks were very much like the ones I love to wear when I participate in aquatic activities. The mother was smoking a cig and leaning against the front of her trailer park chariot. She was wearing a turquoise one piece with jean shorts on top. By utilizing the Astro’s driver side mirror, I could see that Papa Bear was in the front seat with a Burger King Whopper in hand. He was large and in charge, and he was wearing a splendid off-white wife beater. It didn’t come off-white to start with, I can guarantee you that. Before I turned off my car I noticed that boys and Papa Bear were singing along to some song. The boys, in fact, were clapping and stomping along with the beat as well. I wondered what this awesome family was jamming to. As I turned off the car, Transformer Tommy, as we’ll call him, pointed at me during the apex and chorus of the song…

--“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t workin’ here no more. My woman done left and took all the reasons-I was uh-working for. You better not try to stand in my way As I’m walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain’t workin here no more.”

--One of Johnny Paycheck’s greatest hits of all time. It really resonates with Americans, and especially North Carolinians who have struggled with the changing economy of the South over the last 3 decades. And as any other country song, it also resonates with any man who’s ever had a woman who done went and done him wrong. Great song.

--I laughed hysterically. This young boy of about 5 or 6 started laughing as well, while continuing to clap and point. Papa Bear popped his head out. He let out a laugh/cough and said, “Dang it boy, what’chu doing back there. Let that man alone.” I quickly responded in my finest redneck-speak. “Aw, he ain’t botherin’ me.” The boy laughed, pointed again and shouted at me, “Take this job and shove it!” His mother was far from appalled and just barely twisted to see what her boy was doing. The only thing I could think of to say…And I mean the only thing… I was so amused and confused, that I wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing I could think of to say was, “I’ll drink to that.” Papa Bear said, “HA! There you go. There you go. I’ll drink to that too. Yes sir. Um-huh. Yes sir.”

--God Bless America.

Farewell Michael, Farrah, and Billy

2009-07-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

--Unfortunately, there’s one heck of a celebrity skeleton slumber party going on after last week. We lost 3, count’em 3 American cultural Icons. Let’s get to it.
Ever watched a baseball game where a batter is on fire? Multiple home runs, maybe a grand slam in there. And then…the next batter digs in, and everyone thinks or says, “That’s impossible to follow. Sucks to be that guy.” This is the feeling I got when I found out Billy Mays died in the same week as Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. I was riding in the back of a Ford Explorer, on the way back from one of America’s finest vacation spots, Myrtle Beach. Riding along S.C. #9 (I think), My friend shouted, “Billy Mays is dead?! This is ridiculous!”

--My friend’s Blackberry did not lie. Our favorite late night/Saturday morning pitchman was gone; “gone to the giant toll-free zone in the sky.” He “expired,” “cashed in,” and “departed.” Perhaps another one of my friends said it best via Facebook: “Goodbye Billy Mays. I’ll miss you yelling at me at 3 in the morning.” Indeed we will.

--Mays was such an anomaly. He was a salesman. But, people liked him. As Americans, we generally hate salesmen, right? Businesses and housing developments prove it with big signs that say, “NO SOLICITING.” When telemarketers call our homes, some of us unleash hell upon them verbally. When we see people handing out fliers, we immediately audible from a fly-route to a slant. These are things that make me love America. We can be contradictory in our ideas and values. We despise salesmen. But, we liked Mays. I never bought Mighty Putty, Mighty Mend-it, or CLR, but daggum, I loved hearing Mays talk about them. You know; he used every product he sold. He said so.

--Farrah Fawcett is the one of the three that I find hardest to take lightly. In all actuality, I shouldn’t take any of their deaths lightly, but public figures seem surreal to begin with (to me anyways). Fawcett died last Thursday after a 3-year fight with cancer. She “checked out,” “met her end,” and “passed on to the great beyond.” Charlie’s Angels put Fawcett on the map, although one could argue she put Charlie’s Angels on the map. She also co-starred in one of my favorite films of all time, The Apostle. In The Apostle, she had an affair while married to Robert Duvall’s character. What a great flippin’ movie…Anyway, from what I’ve read and seen, Fawcett was never overly extravagant or flighty like so many other celebrities. An absolute American icon in the 60s and 70s. She had an impact on young people in later decades as well. It’s a shame her untimely death was overshadowed.

--Michael Jackson. Where do you start with Michael Jackson? I’ll try. Tremendously talented. Amazing musical and singing skills. Equally impressive dancing moves. Friendly. Philanthropic… …Lunatic.

--Jackson died last Thursday at his home. He “met his maker,” “hung up his hat,” “went belly up,” and “ceased.” I was least affected by his passing in comparison to the other 2 we’ve discussed. Yes, Jackson had good music. Not great in my opinion. Yes, good dancer. But, good dancing is for fairies and women only. Who am I to comment on Michael Jackson, since I never met the guy? Well, nearly 20 years of court cases and acquisitions make it fairly clear I would never want Michael Jackson around any child I know. And if you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. If you say and truly believe that you would let Jackson spend time alone with your children or young relatives, then you deserve a mental evaluation of the most thorough variety. People were coming up with dead Michael Jackson jokes 10 years ago. Did you notice how quickly these jokes made everyday conversation? There’s usually a “WHOA, WHOA, A-HOLE! TOO SOON,” period that lasts at least a week. Nuh-uh, not with Jackson. People were cracking jokes that night. Sad but true. Sad. But. True.

--In all honesty, the guy was a weirdo. He had a deeper voice when he was 12 than he did when he was 40. That’s not normal. He looked non-human. YES, I know he reportedly had a skin disease. Let’s say that’s true…He could have afforded a better plastic surgeon. It looked like Ren and Stimpy were his plastic surgeons. Basically, from what I read and saw, I thought him to be very odd, and someone I didn’t care to meet. As Kat Williams, the comedian, pointed out. Michael Jackson had children with a white woman, and they were completely white. No way. We’re not that stupid. He once hung a baby over a balcony. Somehow he managed to dig himself into 400 million or more dollars in debt. How the hell do you do that if you’re bringing in money like Michael Jackson? How do you do that? I’ll tell you how. By being a complete and total moron and by putting your pee-pee and hands where they don’t belong. That’s how. To all MJ fans, I’m sorry if I have offended you; truly I am. Let me be absolutely clear, I’m not happy that he passed away. It’s just that I’m not upset. Is that wrong?

Tobacco: American. Dead American.

2009-06-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

Have we ever had an issue at hand as convoluted and controversial as tobacco? Is tobacco American? I think the answer is absolutely, yes. Native Americans were using it long before this country was settled by Europeans. Before tobacco was popularized as a recreational drug, Native Americans used it as an enthogen…hey-o! It’s the word of the day! An enthogen is psychoactive drug used in a religious or shamanic context. Basically after a day of hunting and gathering, the boys huddled up in the teepee, got high, and looked for god(s).

Anyway, I guess tobacco was American even before this country had its name. Furthermore, tobacco is southern and North Carolinian. Tobacco was a primary factor in the development of this state’s economy centuries ago. Today, North Carolina is still among the country’s top tobacco producers along with Tennessee, Virginia, and Kentucky.

Now, now; I realize tobacco is bad. I realize you or somebody you know has lost someone close because of illness due to tobacco use. Please don’t go off getting huffy and puffy thinking I’m going to sit here and waste your time talking about how cool and awesome tobacco is. I will indeed talk about how deadly it is…later.

Before I go on, let me say this. I started chewing and dipping tobacco when I was 16 years old as a high school sophomore (or as Woody Durham would say, “soffuh-more”). I quit chewing and dipping tobacco 3 years, 11 days, and 8 hours ago in Burlington, North Carolina while broadcasting for the Burlington Indians.

Why did I do it for so long? Why did I do it at all? Have you ever thrown in a big friggin’ chaw (AKA a chomper, a chewski, a wad, a baseball-sized mass of wackey tobackey)? Or, have you thrown in a big ol’ fatty (AKA a lipper, a dip, a smacker, a dinger, a Hugo)? Have you had that slight burning/tickling sensation on your gums and lips right before you get mildly light-headed and feel full-body relaxation? Have you ever lit up a cig? Ever inhaled as deeply as possible to hold in all the nicotine-goodyness you could before exhaling that magic stuff into the atmosphere, allowing Mother Nature to get a contact-high? All that stuff is nice isn’t it?

Well. All that cool stuff mentioned above will friggin’ kill you. It will flippin’ put you six feet under. It will bring you down to China Town homeboy. If you use tobacco, you could “buy the farm,” “push up daisies,” “go to pasture,” “go to a skeleton slumber party”… Let’s see, you could also “cash in your chips,” “croak,” “punch your ticket,” “PERISH” (that one’s intense), and “bite the dust.” Bottom line, it could be “Goodbye World, hello Glory” if you use tobacco.

If it doesn’t kill you, it will cause other problems. Men, let’s just get real…tobacco can cause your “unit” to not function properly. Women, smoking can wrinkle your skin more than a night-crawler or worm left out on an asphalt sidewalk in the middle of August. Chew and dip will cause funky little sores to pop up in your mouth. Yep, most of them will go away…until one doesn’t. All of these scary things are why I quit, and why if you’re a user, you should stop too. I’m not going to stop you though; as a former tobacco user, I know this. Quitting has to be on your own time, and it has to be your decision.

It’s not easy. In fact I still think about how bad I want a chew every daggum day. People I have flippin’ dreams where I’m dipping or chewing…I start freaking out saying, “why did I start back up? This is so stupid!” And then, I try to spit the stuff out, but I can’t get it all out. Those dreams stink. I ain’t making this stuff up. Nicotine is some intense stuff.

However, if you are a tobacco user and you want to quit; you can do it! If you’ve never used or even tried tobacco, congratulations! Do not ever try the stuff. It’s not worth it. Now, where tobacco and America have recently clashed is in court. Should the states and federal government be regulating tobacco or regulating its use? The FDA now has regulatory authority over tobacco. The state of North Carolina has banned smoking in restaurants and bars. I am very weary of such legislation; plan and simple. I hate smoke in bars, but I don’t think the government should be telling you, you can’t do it. The restaurant or bar owner should make that call. “Well, no one would disallow tobacco in their establishments unless the government made them,” some of you will undoubtedly say. To you, I respond, “Well don’t flipping go out to eat or go out on the town if you don’t want to encounter smoke and tobacco products. Eating out is terribly expensive and unhealthy anyway. Lord knows this country is overweight as it is. It wouldn’t hurt us to stay at home and eat a turkey sandwich with Sun Chips and grapes instead of eating out and having brewskis three nights a week.”

If you disagree with me, and you’re for legislation against tobacco, you’ll never change my mind with an e-mail or through a conversation. You will never change my mind, just like I’ll never change yours. BUT, I respect your opinions, and I always like hearing them. We have all got to do a better job of respecting people with differing political and cultural views. We don’t have to like these people; we don’t have to play Rummy with them on Wednesday nights; we don’t have to change ourselves to be like them. But we need to respect each other, and we need to listen.
I am shocked at how much of an ultra-tolerant hippy I sounded like in that last paragraph; better put this to press quickly before I edit it down.

Muffin Matters Invited Back to CWC

2009-06-04T06:33:00.000-05:00

Muffin Matters will once again be carried throughout the collegiate athletic off-season on Carolinawatercooler.com. Carolina Water Cooler is a fantastic website dedicated to the coverage of North Carolina Athletics. Check it out!

Finishing up with N.C. Baseball

2009-05-31T18:33:00.000-05:00

7. The Kannapolis Intimidators-Fildcrest Cannon Stadium: Obviously, I take particular interest in the Intimidators because Dale Earnhardt Sr. bought the franchise shortly before his passing. The stadium is simple and clean. Their staff puts a lot of effort towards cleanliness and good service. The design is fairly unique in that it’s so wide open. Other than a couple of luxury boxes and the main entrance, there isn’t much too it…and that’s not a bad thing.

8. The Kinston Indians-Grainger Stadium: This park is in the same category as Burlington. Old-timey, inviting facility. Awesome renovations that didn't question the authenticity of the park, and a friendly atmosphere to boot. The K-tribe is a big draw in K-town. Have they had a Jaime Pressly night yet?

9. The Winston-Salem Dash (formerly the Warthogs)-Ernie Shore Field…no wait, Gene Hooks Field at Wake Forest Baseball Park: Where should we begin with this travesty of a baseball franchise? Folks they are averaging less than 200 people per game, and there’s a reason for it. First, they were suppose to be moving to a new downtown ballpark this season, but something happened…they ran out of time and money! Maybe the fans would be a little more understanding if the franchise wouldn’t have spent $12 million of taxpayer money to come up short. $38 million in total has been spent so far to NOT move in this year. In late may, they officially announced they would not make it to the new ballpark until 2010. So, they moved back to Ernie Shore field which has since been bought by Wake Forest University. Luckily for the Dash, Wake Forest was nice enough to let the old tenants back in for this season. As for historic Ernie Shore Field: it was nice in its prime, and still has what it takes to be a minor league facility, but the owners wanted more. Say what they will, they were jealous (and understandably so) of their neighbors, the Greensboro Grasshoppers. Ernie Shore was another old-timey park with ad-covered outfield walls and tons of fan-friendly promotions. Ernie Shore will live on, but it will go by a different name from here on out.

10. Zebulon-The Carolina Mudcats-Five-County Stadium: Remodeled in 2002, Five-County stadium really offers some cool attractions to its fans. They have a restaurant located at the stadium, but you won’t find ballpark food in “Cattails,” a fine dining establishment. As for the actual ballpark food…it’s awesome! Excellent choices and quality including a CATFISH SANDWICH! It’s a must have; or at least a must try. Originally built in 1991, it was placed right in the middle of an old tobacco field. The Mudcats are most associated with the city and capitol of Raleigh, but it’s nearly 20 miles away from downtown and from the campus of North Carolina State University.

NC Baseball cont. & MORE!

2009-05-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

Moving on down the list of North Carolina Minor League Baseball teams:

3. The Charlotte Knights-Knights Stadium (Fort Mill, S.C): That's right; there's no typo there. The Charlotte Knights play in Fort Mill, South Carolina. They have tried and tried to get a stadium in downtown Charlotte, but the future looks bleak. With the economy in its current state, there's less hope than ever. Either way, the team is considered a North Carolina team. The most interesting dynamic going on with the Knights is that they desperately want to move downtown, so the front office wants to point to discouraging attendance facts as incentives for the team to move...However, they also still want to maximize profit. The easiest way to do this...more fans. A catch-22. This is one of those places you go just to say you've been there.

4. The Durham Bulls-Durham Bulls Athletic Park: I was a fan of the old Durham Athletic Park (DAP), but after overwhelming popularity, the Bulls moved to a bigger nicer facility (the DBAP). Solid stadium; questionable management. You have to go to see the bull above the left field wall that shoots fire out of its nostrils after a home run.

5. The Greensboro Grasshoppers-NewBridge Bank Park: The best part about no longer working in minor league baseball, is that I'm not worried about burning bridges any more. NewBridge Bank Park is top notch; a must see. The management however, is unfriendly and terribly inefficient. Their business like approach is overkill in the world of FAN-ENTERTAINMENT. But again, I love the ballpark. The beer garden beyond the leftfield corner is the nicest you will find in the state and arguably in the entire country. It's huge and accessible, and the prices are right on a Thursday night. The designers finally had a the foresight to put a beer garden in a proper location. A beer garden shouldn't be along the left or right field line where foul balls can pick off drunks. It also shouldn't be somewhere where patrons can't see all the action. The one in G-boro is neither; it's perfect.

6. The Hickory Crawdads-L.P. Frans Stadium: Misters to keep fans cool in summer...80-year-old dancing ushers keeping the mood right...one of the first new stadiums to infiltrate the South Atlantic League. The Crawdads have it going on.

Still to come: Kannapolis, Kinston, Winston-Salem, Zebulon

IN OTHER NEWS

*The Southern 500 in Darlington was awesome. From the 55-year old Mark Martin fan who probably still lives in his mother's basement, to the female South Carolina student wearing an American flag-themed bikini without a pool or watering hole within 2 miles, to sleeping in the back of trucks and sleeping in camping chairs, it couldn't have been better.

*The Carolina Hurricanes are still going! Am I a bandwagon or fair-weather fan? No. I don't care if they win or lose and I don't go nuts over the 'Canes, but YES I love following their progress and supporting their best effort. If it wasn't a sport full or Canadians, French-Canadians, and Yankees, maybe I'd really love the NHL.

* The North Carolina State Senate just voted down a 2-cent reduction in gas taxes...Ridiculous. Fellow North Carolina natives, we are the second-highest taxed state in the union behind California I believe. Join me in writing critical but humane (just barely) letters to this group of A-holes in our Senate.

Let's talk about NASCAR, old hollywood movie stars, let's talk about anything in this world

2009-05-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

"Let's talk about baseball, Talk a little small talk, There's got to be a good joke that you've heard. Let's talk about NASCAR, Old Hollywood movie stars, Let's talk about anything, Anything in this world; But politics, religion, and her."
-Sammy Kershaw (singer, songwriter, American legend)

--After the Aarons 499 at Talladega Superspeedway, and after the start of another minor league baseball season, I couldn't help but talk a little NASCAR and baseball. The restrictor-plate race at Talladega was one of the most exciting and nerve-racking races I've ever seen. And, the amount of terrific minor league ballparks in North Carolina never ceases to amaze me.

--If you watched the race last Sunday, you know exactly what I'm talking about in regards to Talladega. Carl Edwards, Ryan Newman (in my opinion), and the trackside fans are fortunate to still be kicking. Brad keselowski started to make a last lap pass on Edwards; He had position underneath of Edwards; Edwards tried to get back down low; Insanity followed. Edwards' car ended up air born against the fence in front of the fans. WATCH IT HERE! Fast forward to 1:35 to start seeing all the different replays. How amazing is it that nobody died as a result of that accident?

--I'm not trying to recruit more people to be NASCAR fans, but I will say that any race at Talladega is what it's all about. It's down in the deep south where the fans are going to actually see the race; not to "see a spectacle" like the fairies in California and New Hampshire. In Talladega, the fans know that each and every driver is putting their head in the lion's mouth for 499 miles, and they respect them for it. I don't care who someone pulls for in NASCAR; when there's a bad accident at Talladega, every fan is concerned. That being said, as soon as those fans see a driver pop out of the window and walk away without injury, they will immediately return to flipping them off and yelling obscenities. Talladega and Daytona are the most dangerous tracks on the circuit due to the high speeds, and this really leads to an ultimate amount of respect from the fans.

--NASCAR fans care about the drivers and the drivers care about the fans to a greater extent than they do in any other professional athlete-fan relationship. Unfortunately, with the ever-growing purses and sponsorship deals, the drivers may eventually go the way of the professional baseball, basketball, and football player. But, for now, the drivers are extremely grateful for their support and return the favor every chance they get.

--The support that fans give NASCAR drivers is most evident when you consider NASCAR camping. Talladega is yet another track where you can see fields and fields full of RV's and tents full of people cheering on their favorite race teams. I was luck to see Talladega last week when I was driving back to North Carolina. It was the Friday before a Sunday race and the atmosphere was electric. It was 9:30 in the morning and people were already partying. Alot of campers will get to a track by Wednesday (even Tuesday) before a Sunday race to start camping and hanging out with other NASCAR fans. The camping aspect of NASCAR is an amazing event within an event. If you don't like NASCAR, I bet you'd like the camping.

--Moving on to baseball. If you're a North Carolina native, you are in the center of the minor league baseball world. North Carolina is the only state to have teams from every classification of minor league baseball represented within its borders. I'll briefly talk about the stadiums in NC. If you want to really learn some incredible stuff, pick up a copy of the book: Cradle of the Game by Mark Cryan. Here are your options in North Carolina:

1. The Asheville Tourists-McCormick Field (Single-A, South Atlantic League)-quaint old ballpark that has been renovated to keep up with the new stadium trends of luxury suites. McCormick Field is one of several North Carolina stadiums to be seen in the movie Bull Durham.

2. The Burlington Royals-Burlington Athletic Stadium (Short-season A, Most simply call this "Rookie ball." It's as low as you can go)-The BAS was also seen in the movie Bull Durham. Obviously I'm partial to this one because I worked there in '06 when they were still the Indians. You MUST get to this ballpark while you still can. It is one of a very, VERY few left of its kind. Baseball has been played there for over 46 years. The old wooden seats are gone and have been replaced with aluminum bleachers and plastic chairs, but it is still as "old school" as you can possibly get. You will never see a new ballpark designed in this way again: no luxury suites (just a sponsored seat upgrade to the roof right beside the press box).

I'll go over the other 8 soon...this post is way too flippin' long

Tancredo "Shut Down": Un-American

2009-04-15T20:45:00.000-05:00

--As always, it's important to state that we here at Muffin Matters do not discuss political stances, religion, or the inner-workings of the female brain. Let's go back to number one: "Political stances." This is not to say that we do not discuss politics. It just means, you won't find the Muffin's views posted here.
--Regardless of your political views, the recent protesting of former U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo's speech on the campus of UNC was repulsive. Invited to campus to speak about immigration in America by a conservative student group, Tancredo's speech was put to a halt by liberal activist groups. Tancredo was cursed at, hissed at, and prevented from completing his speech.
--Without question the protesting groups emabarrased themselves and the University. In a final repulsive act, a brick or rock was thrown through a window causing Tancredo's staff and police to quickly escort him out of the building. Tancredo later said in a phone call to WRAL that he would perhaps "expect this from some 'Podunk' school, but NOT North Carolina."
--Dido.
--The protesting groups clearly lost the Constitutional battle in this one. The basis of the Constitution in regards to our rights is that we have the right and freedom to do anything we please AS LONG AS we don't impose upon the rights and safety of others. The protesting factions clearly did not respect the rights of Tancredo and those that showed up to hear him speak.
--Shameful.
--Un-American.

For Update's Sake!

2009-03-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

--It's been a while. It has been, a while. Muffin Matters is back and ready to go. First off, congratulations to the UNC basketball team on making it to the Final Four. I am ready to party on Franklin Street; make it happen Heels.
--Now. To business. Let's get right to it. First off, I still hate hippies. John Wayne is still my hero. Next, America would be better off without Alex Rodriguez, Brittney Spears, Keith Olberman, AND Bill O'Reilly. The NCAA tournament is more American than you may realize. It teaches us that there are winners and losers in this great land. Someone must fail. If nobody fails, no one will succeed. Three cheers to the NCAA basketball tournament.
--I feel bad for Barack Obama. Something tells me he's up in the Oval office all by himself analyzing everything there is to analyze with the economy, foreign policy, health care, etc. Something also tells me he's distracted by a recurring thought about being president: "Well, this blows."
--Eric Church is the best thing to hit the country music landscape since Chris Ledoux and Dwight Yokam. He's a North Carolina native, and he's the best songwriter around. Get his new album, 'Carolina' ASAP. He's also a Tar Heel fan (deal with it Wolfies).
--Lastly, I am more discouraged than ever about the perceptions of the vertically challenged. Ladies, when talking about a man below 5'10" tall it is inaccurate and irritating to use terms such as 'adorable,' 'awwwwww!,' 'Oh, he is so cute' (like a Teddy Bear), or 'he's like a little brother.' One girl recently told me that her friend wanted her to pass a message along to me. The message was, "Tell him I think is soooo adorable." The message I sent back was, "Tell her I want to kick her in the back of the head."
--That brings me to a not so bad misconception of small people. Consider first what would happen if a tall and bulky man were to tell a girl, "I want to kick you in the back of the head." Everyone would say that the large guy is just a jerk or an a-hole with a big macho-man attitude. Now, consider what happens if someone my size or smaller tells a girl that he wants to kick a girl in the back of the head. The girl involved or the messenger will likely think and say something along these lines: "He's a psycho! He is absolutely crazy." That's right my short friends, there might actually be something cool about our size...You can freak people out.
--Until next time everyone. Thanks for reading.

UNC/Duke: Half

2009-03-08T15:56:00.001-05:00

Duke is shooting lights out. UNC not making free throws like they did in Durham. Intense and exciting. Wish you were here. Tyler Hansbrough.

UNC/Duke-First Half

2009-03-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

--9:44: Lot’s going on. It’s hard to keep up. Awesome game, awesome crowd. Wish you were here. Tyler Hansbrough.

--As my good friend and co-worker just said, I’m exhausted, and I’m not even cheering. Now, you must understand that we want to cheer, but it’s something you don’t do on press row. It’s an age-old tradition that stinks of the most horrid poop. 3:33 left, Duke is shooting lights out. UNC’s defense doesn’t look THAT bad to me.

Muffin Press Pass-UNC/Duke: Pre-Game

2009-03-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

--As always, first things first; the pre-game meal. We were once again treated to Bullock's Barbeque which was amazing. No surprise that they go all out for this one. Lots of big names here already: Larry Brown (taking a day-off from the Slobcats), Clark Kellog, Andy Katz, and Jim Nance. They won't forget Bullock's anytime soone. Pork and chicken barbeque, baked beans, grean beans, creamed corn, chicken tenders, fried chicken, slaw, hush puppies, sweet tea. Awesome.
--To the game: I've got bad news. Ty Lawson is not partaking in the pre-game warm-ups. This changes everything. I'm not prepared to make a prediction until I know one way or the other that he's going to play.

This Chinese/American Flag

2009-03-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

--This evening I write with a heavy heart. Some may see the issue at hand as trivial or silly, but an event stopped me in my tracks and made me shake my head in sadness today.

--Local snowfall lead to a day off from landscaping and counseling at the YMCA, so I was free to take care of some other business. One thing on the agenda was adding some decor to the Muffin Matters office space. After a mid-afternoon workout, I stopped by Roses to look for an American flag. I didn't have to look any farther than the registers at the front of the store. They had racks set up with flags, flag stands, and other flag accessories to help one properly display their American pride. For a brief moment I thought that $1.50 was just low for an American flag that was 60 inches long and about 34 inches wide, but I quickly brushed the notion aside. The transition was quick and painless, and I quickly made it back to the office to hang up my bargain-priced wall decor.

--As I removed the flag from its package I was paralyzed by what I read on the back. "MADE IN CHINA" Slowly, I came out of my state of shock and continued doing what I intended all along. I hung the flag above my office desk and took a seat to get to work.

--But no work could be done. I was and still am confused. This Chinese/American flag makes me sad; it makes me mad; it makes me hurt. This evening, I'm not here to discuss all the social, political, and economic happenings that have led to moments like this occurring. All I know is that it's not right. You're not suppose burn American flags. You're not suppose to let the Flag hit the ground. You're not suppose to hang the Flag upside down, even for a moment. But why do we allow China to produce OUR flag?

--A Muffin Matters employee caught me at my desk actually wondering about these very things. At this very moment, I'm at that same desk, with that same posture, trying to figure things out. Am I wrong for buying this flag that was produced in China? Should I have checked the label before purchase. And if I would have, should I have put it back and gone somewhere else to find an American/American flag? This American/American flag would have undoubtedly been more expensive. That creates more questions. With money tighter than ever, should one suck up the extra cost to buy American? Is this even feasible? If not, isn't the Flag maybe one thing you should stick to your morals on? I almost took the Flag off my wall, but it's still there. It has 50 stars. It has 13 stripes. 7 stripes are red. 6 stripes are white. It's absolutely an American flag. But. It's absolutely Chinese.

--It's been a sad day in the Muffin Matters office. Moral is low. Of all things "MADE IN CHINA" this one just isn't easy to come to terms with.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/G-Tech: 2nd half

2009-02-28T11:55:00.001-06:00

--15:58: lots of play stoppages to open up the second half. The Heels are scoring in a hurry, though, so maybe I don’t mind it that much. John Edwards isn’t the only person in attendance worth mentioning this afternoon. Behind the bench, I see Melvin Scott and Damion Grant. Fantastic…where’s Byron Sanders though? Hansbrough

--11:45: Congrats to Hansbrough for the all time free-throws made record (907). That’s great, but I want the Psycho to go off and hit 40 in this one. Oh, look, the Blues Brothers are on the court. If they stopped that act, I wouldn’t be too torn up about it.

--7:56: I'm pleased that relatively few Tar Heel fans have left during this official timeout, but I bet the mass exodus will take place at the 4 minute official timeout. It's a little dissapointing that the lead isn't growing, but you can't get everything you want. I see Surry Wood is in attendance today and that's all I've got to say about that.

--3:30: Well, I’m sure we all have our opinions about the foul on Ellington. Just glad he’s ok. Hansbrough’s day is done. Looks like my prediction will go for not, but he still had a great day. I am more impressed with the fans now. They are not really leaving now at the 4 minute official timeout. Good for them. I’m sure the players and coaches appreciate it.

--1:39: The "Blue Team" will enter soon. Good game. I'm heading to the media room early I think. Yep, here comes the "Blue Team."

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/G-Tech: First Half

2009-02-28T11:06:00.000-06:00

Fantastic anthem: Holden Thorpe and a student affairs representative. Got a great crowd more pumped. Hey look, a hard foul on Hansbrough.

--15:43: The fouling on Tyler Hansbrough has gotten ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he goes on a tri-state killing spree. He’s having a great game, though. John Edwards spotting: Yes, he’s here again with his brilliant hair…and today he’s sporting jeans and a blazer. Even John Edwards appreciates the Canadian Tuxedo.

--11:03: Hansbrough will finally get back into the game after sitting in front of the scorers table for minutes on end.

--6:43: Hansbrough, travel? Nah, dawg. What a sicko. A sicko psycho. In other news...how is G-tech so close? Why are they so close? I'm not having fun.

--3:36: I’m having fun now. They’ve finally managed to pull away, but we’ve learned to never take any lead for granted after MD. Hansbrough is on pace to hit the mark I projected. No big deal.

--Halftime: Finished strong. Girls soccer team is being honored at halftime for good reason…a 20th national championship. Just ridiculous. Great response from the crowd as well. And just so, I don’t give an update without saying his name; Hansbrough.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/GT: Pre-game

2009-02-28T10:07:00.001-06:00

Let's see; first things first. The pre-game meal: Today we were treated with Qdoba's Mexican Grill. Not bad, but mostly forgettable. Good steak and chicken but questionable salsas and condiments. As always, I would have preferred Bullock's Barbeque.
-Now, as for the game. Georgia Tech is dead last in the ACC. If Carolina loses this one, they are obviously in big, BIG trouble. Tech has a couple of guys to watch in my opinion: Gani Lawal who is a fantastic rebounder and Lewis Clinch who was crucial in the upset over Wake Forest.
-Who knows what to expect from the Heels today. Coach Williams was calm and collected in his weekly press conference but obviously disappointed with the upset against Maryland. Williams seems to have put it in the proper perspective saying it isn't the end of the world, but he "didn't bring them ice cream and brownies all week, either."
-I love the 12:00 start. These use to be common place, but with TV agreements determining start times these days, the Heels are usually pushed back late in the day due to their popularity and talent. That's a huge issue in and of its self, but I don't want to get too far off topic. Let's just say TV rights and ratings are no excuse to make a student-athlete play a 9:00pm road game during the week. That's insane and absolutely shameful.
-Prediction (as if it matters at all): Carolina wins big...Tyler goes full circle in his career against G-Tech and drops 40 or more.

UNC/NC State: 2nd Half

2009-02-18T19:53:00.001-06:00

--14:58: Things are starting to pick up for the Tar Heels’ offense. The call on Hansbrough against McCauley seemed incorrect, but it’s no biggy. I feel like the refs should have stepped in and talked to the two, though. Carolina’s baseball team was previewed during the timeout, and got a good response from the crowd. Dustin Ackley and the rest of North Carolina will officially open up the Bosh Friday night. Wish I could be there.

--11:50: North Carolina can’t quite put the nail in the coffin. I believe Wayne’s mishap on that break-away where he los the ball over the backboard was huge. It would have put the Wolfpack down 61-46. I really don’t think the Heels want to give State a chance. This could get ugly.

--7:31: Rameses the mascot is engaging in some destructive action down front. He just gave John Edwards a hard high-five and it shook Edwards’ hair around. He was not happy. Heels lead 71-59. One more unanswered bucket and I declare NC State in big trouble….Thank you Wanye Ellington 73-59.

--2:51: The Big 3 have stepped up big time. Hansbrough got beaten on the entire game without many calls. Ellington and Ty were stellar again. I love that UNC has not called off the dogs…yet. Good game overall. 89-73 with 2:17 left. 80% of the crowd has stayed. It would take a miracle for the Wolfpack now. I’m heading to the media room to party with Roy and make fun of Sidney’s jacket. I respect him, but not his jacket…period.

UNC/NC State: First Half

2009-02-18T19:15:00.000-06:00

--14:36: Internet is shotty tonight. This could be an abbreviated Muffin Press Pass. Team looks good. Ty Lawson is filthy. Tyler Hansbrough is un-yielding. Bobby’s 3-point shot is horrendous to start. We’re pretty par for the course right now. Where’s Tyler Zeller?...As for the crowd. They’re good tonight but I really believe the crowds vs. Maryland and Miami were louder…other than the response to Ellington’s 3 point shot off the turnover.

--11:25: Forget what I said about the crowd. They’re “on” tonight. I don’t know if NC State is going to keep hanging on or what, but it seems like they’re over-matched despite the 17-17 tie…Could be one of those games.

--7:41: Welcome back Zeller. These refs are definitely letting all contact go, but they’re calling EVERYTHING else. Hansbrough looks confused right now. Moving on. With all due respect, and I am saying with all due respect: we need better looking dancers and Carolina.

--3:26: State came to play. Must give them credit. I see John Edwards with his fantastic hair in the crowd again. Things must be slow for the failed presidential candidate these days. Man, his hair really looks nice. Coach Williams constantly says he doesn’t look at the score during the first half. He may be disappointed at half-time tonight. The Heels seem to be playing fairly well, but the Wolfpack is right there.

--End 1st: Good game on both sides in the first half. It was stupid to “not expect much” from State tonight. They’ve played excellent basketball the last several games, and their confidence is sky high. Vasquez was good, but if he’s all they’ve got in the 2nd half as well, I like the Heels’ chances. If somebody else for State steps up like McCauley and Costner (even more than he has thus far), North Carolina is in trouble. Nice moment at halftime: the first Eve Carson Scholarship winner was announced and well received; obviously. Eve’s death as well as Jason’s are still extremely fresh around here.

UNC/NC State Pre-Game

2009-02-18T18:21:00.000-06:00

The pre-game meal was DE-licious. Bullock's barbeque was on tap and I for one was in heaven. Sat by myself and gave other media members the stinky-eye to entertain myself, and then promptly left after finishing my final hush puppy.

--NC State tonight: they're playing well, but I still don't expect much. Tyler Zeller is going to do something big in his first game back...I hope.

I've Got Your Economic Stimulus: Go GREEN (and I ain't talking about energy)

2009-02-17T09:14:00.000-06:00

--I’ve got your economic stimulus right here. I’ve got the answer. And if this answer is wrong, at least everyone will be a lot mellower.

--Maybe you’ve already figured it out, but I think the way to come out of this recession (ESPECIALLY in the South) is the legalization of marijuana. First, think of all the jobs! Everyone is going to want a piece of the new “pot”-pie. Factories would pop up across the southeast like tobacco plants back in the day. Farms would pop up all over the place too. High schoolers and college students could spend their summers making money on the pot farm…nice. Also, believe me when I say this: once marijuana is legalized, lots more people will smoke it, leading to more production, more jobs and more money. The government would benefit as well...obviously…they would see to this. Instead of spending money on the war on drugs, how about making some money from the taxes on legalized pot? Taxes on marijuana would most likely work just like taxes on alcohol and tobacco; the government would benefit greatly. Now for you serious pot-heads out there who smoke the stuff that makes you as useful and mobile as a pet rock…you may still have to go off the books to get your hash. It will be kind of like moonshine is to alcohol. The “good stuff” may still be illegal, but hey, let’s take this one step at a time.

--The Great Depression ended in the winter of 1932-1933. The government just happened to end Prohibition in 1933…coincidence? Maybe, but it’s worth considering. The bottom line to me is that the legalization of marijuana would drive commerce. People would be pumped, would they not? They would be going nuts for the idea of legalized pot. Shopping lists would be able to legally read as follows: “pick up eggs, bread, milk, fruit roll-ups, bananas, light bulbs, laundry detergent, batteries, and pot…and doughnuts, and chicken wings, and cookies, and pizza bagels, and brownie mix, and more doughnuts.”

--Again, the bottom line is that the decriminalization of marijuana would create jobs at factories and on farms. It would relieve some of the pressure on law enforcement officers who are constantly forced by the government to fight in the war on drugs. It would cause more spending. Look at how much Americans spend on tobacco and alcohol. And lastly, I’m not happy about this one, but the government could tax legal marijuana, and they could get the hell out of my wallet with their other ridiculous taxes.

--Now, I don’t want to spend too much time on what I see as our completely over-bearing and over-active government because that brings up different arguments altogether…but I believe marijuana should have been legal all along. The government must respect our rights to privacy. I don’t believe it’s their job to correct our bad habits; they should instead turn to society and families to do this. The founders of this great nation had the right idea. They didn’t even think about adding a Bill of Rights to the Constitution in the beginning, because they thought it was unnecessary. A Bill of Rights could actually be harmful, because it would suggest that any rights not explicitly spelled out in the constitution were not valid. Folks, the forefathers of this nation believed the government should stay out of our privacy, and out of our lives. I’m sorry if you think that’s debatable, because it’s not. It’s also non-partisan. It’s history.

--So what does all of this mean? It means that our nation was set up in a way to give us maximum freedoms and maximum rights WITH maximum consequences if you can’t handle these freedoms and rights responsibility without imposing on the rights of others. With that, it’s time to look at some of the reasons marijuana isn’t legal yet. The main argument thrown back at us by senators and congressmen is that the THC content is higher these days…it’s too strong…it’s a gateway drug, and it will lead to more illicit activities. Stronger these days? Yes. Should that change things? I don’t think so. First of all, if it leads to the use of more illicit drugs by some, so be it. With freedom comes responsibility. As long as these users don’t impose upon the rights of others, it’s their business. If these users did engage in other illicit activities, then they would be arrested and put to trial.

--The Drug Enforcement Administration claimed in their 2006 pamphlet “Speaking Out Against Drug Legalization” that legalization of pot would cause more crime…they claimed this and did not at all prove it with facts or figures. I can tell you what I’ve seen though. The people I’ve been around who have smoked marijuana wouldn’t want to (and in some cases be able to) assault or harm a butterfly. Secondly, if they did commit more crimes (most likely the theft of tasty pastries and fried goods)…they would be arrested. So to the DEA, I say, you are all idiots. Something tells me, our law enforcement agencies could handle the “increased crime.” And I argue crime would ABSOLUTELY lessen if we legalized pot and other illicit drugs, but we don’t have time for that today.

--Another of the DEA’s primary arguments against the legalization of cannabis is that people would then use more cannabis…really? Guess what idiots? If, for some reason, hamburgers were illegal and then they were legalized…the usage of hamburgers would increase.

--Lastly, you should take this argument from me seriously because I am 150% behind the legalization of pot and I am not a user, just as I am not a user of tobacco. Alcohol? Yes I drink Miller Lite and occasionally I’ll pretend I’m John Wayne and have some whiskey...responsibly. I believe all three of these drugs should be legal and people should make their decisions as they see fit. It’s the American thing to do.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/UVA: SECOND HALF

2009-02-07T15:53:00.000-06:00

--13:19 left: Well, the Tar Heels seem to have a little more pep in their step to start off the second half, but it’s still a pretty lousy game so far. With Duke waiting for the Tar Heels on Wednesday I think the Heels have what I would like to coin as a “hang-under” waiting for the Blue Devils. 3-pointer, and one for Wayne Wonder. Nice.

----7:56 left: I am so flipping sick of “official timeouts.” Can you imagine how much shorter games would be without these ridiculous play stoppages? Oh well. North Carolina is starting to finally stretch their lead (58-40) but it is definite now that the Heels mailed this one in. Can’t say that I blame them, but we would all like to see more intensity, right? Hansbrough has had yet another solid game, and I hope he’s got more in store the final 8 minutes. However, it seems like the UNC offense is becoming more and more perimeter-oriented. Sort of unexpected in my opinion.

--1:15 and counting left: So this one is over. The "Blue Team" is in, and I don't particularly care about their exploits. I appreciate what they do, but I don't go nuts over them hitting 3 pointers. Lackluster performance overall today. Obviously, this wouldn't get it done versus Duke. Annnnd it's final: UNC 76, UVA 61. TO DURHAM!

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/UVA: First Half

2009-02-07T14:52:00.001-06:00

--Starting lineups are being announced. The crowd’s cheering to choke out the announcement of opposing team’s lineup is really getting old in my opinion. # 1: it’s absolutely classless and pathetic. If there’s one time on a given day that you can show respect it’s at the beginning when starters are announced. #2: It’s pointless. Everybody does it these days so it doesn’t offend or bother the opposing team. #3: It’s Virginia we’re talking about. Why do we even care enough to ruin their intro? Tip-off: Carolina ball.
--14:52 left: Same old story on defense so far. Inability to maintain good ball pressure. Bobby Frasor has better hops than I thought. He just had that break-away lay-up and had some serious air to get over the defender from the left side.
--11:42 left: Disappointing start. At this early stage, it doesn’t seem like UNC is any closer to discovering “their identity.” Another great crowd though. I’m very surprised at how good the crowds have been for games against ACC bottom-feeders, Maryland and now UVA.
--3:48 left: Terrible. They’re sleepwalking. This is one of the worst halves they’ve played all season. Shots aren’t falling and the defense is…typical. No emotion. I honestly can’t blame them for feeling a little tired, though. The ACC powers that be should be shot in the nuts for their scheduling. These guys play at 8 or 9 almost every game and then they get a 4:00 pm Saturday start. Must be a little confusing for the body. That being said, let’s get it together for Michael Jordan’s sake. And with Dean Smith in attendance Roy may not be the only one chewing into these guys’ asses during halftime.
--HALF: UNC 33 UVA 25 Ed Davis has really been good for the Heels lately. Other than that, there's nothing to be excited for I don't think. Another offensive foul taken by Hansbrough towards the end. Maybe these guys will get it together. Quite a low point total. I don't enjoy that. Tar Heel Hall of Famers were honored at the half. Frank McGuire, Larry Brown, Roy Williams (in attendance), Billy Cunningham (in attendance), Bob McAdoo (in attendance), James Worthy (in attendance), and Dean Smith (in attendance) were all enshrined in the Naismith College Basketball Hall of Fame this year. Awesome.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC vs. UVA - PRE-GAME

2009-02-07T13:40:00.000-06:00

--The pre-game media meal was catered in by Bojangle's. I enjoyed 4 chicken supreme strips, pinto beans, a biscuit and a cup filled to the brim of Bojangle's famous Sweet Tea. Most people at the pre-game media meal are with a group, and they sit with their group. I however, come alone representing WCHL. It's just like an elementary school cafeteria. People look at you like you have two heads if you try to sit at THEIR table. It makes me want to puke. Eventually, somebody is going to catch me at the wrong time with their stink-eye, and I'm going to throw Cajun Filet sauce right in their face.

--2:40 pm -Women's head coach Sylvia Hatchell is currently holding a press conference right now in the media room. She's addressing the upcoming Duke/Carolina game and insists that they are focused and ready. Coach Hatchell is a brilliant coach and fantastic person, so hopefully the squad doesn't choke against Duke. She also wanted to "pass along congratulations to Coach Pat Summit on her 1,000th win."

--3:44 pm: Miami just pushed Duke to overtime, but it looks they’re going to fold. Everyone in the media room has given up hope and made their way out onto the court for the Heels game. The Dean Dome has a different look during day games. Without a doubt, the lighting is better during the day with the canopy roof they have. It would be awesome if the Dean Dome had a retractable roof, especially on a day like today when it’s like 70 degrees outside. Unbelievable.

--Today's matchup: As we all know, Virginia poses an extremely minimal threat to North Carolina due to their inexperienced backcourt and inefficient frontcourt...Announcement: Dean Smith is at the Dean Dome today! He's sitting right behind the basket and the student risers section. I'm glad he showed up, because there's nothing else to really say about Dave Leitao's Cavaliers. The Heels just have to challenge themselves to play better defense. Tip off in 5 minutes.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/MD- SECOND HALF

2009-02-03T20:34:00.000-06:00

-11:17-As you can tell, it has been a pleasantly uneventful second half so far. It would be more enjoyable to me if the Heels were winning by 80 and had 130 points by now, but hey, what-evs. Ah, the Blues Brothers time-out show. I still love it, but it needs a new twist. I’ll be dog-goned; a new twist. Nobody got it, but there was a new twist. Do you remember the NCAA logos that Coach Williams kept complaining about last year because they were so slippery? Well the Blues Brothers threw down a make shift NCAA logo and proceeded to slip on it during their spectacular dunk-finale. Most people just thought they screwed it up, but I noticed. Good effort.
-8:12-Well, well another flipping time out by Gary Williams. And a full one at that. Yo, Gary, you’re going to get a timeout right after the 8-minute mark. Chill-ax bro. Seriously, chillax, or I’m going to come down there and pop that zit you call a human head.
-6:57-And there you have your official time out. UNC has 94 points with 7 minutes left…UNC has 94 points with 7 minutes left. How ‘bout that. Tyler just drained a 3. Some people frown upon Tyler popping 3 pointers, but I absolutely love it. It really says, “You thought things were bad up till now opposing team? Well take this. I’m ginormous, and I’m knocking down 3’s. Things couldn’t get much worse for you. Go home. Now.”
-5:06-Two break-away scoring drives in a row. Big slam from Ellington and then Ellington picked up Lawson's missed layup. Half the crowd is exiting as a Terrapin is fouled. For all intensive purposes, this wraps up tonight's Muffin Press Pass installment. Unless Hansbrough picks Gary Williams up and slams him through the basket, we're through here. By the way as I type we have 103 points with 4:26 left...We have 103 points with 4:26 left.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC/MD - FIRST HALF

2009-02-03T18:50:00.001-06:00

-Warmups went well. The Heels are sporting their brilliant, new for 2009, Nike pre-game windsuits. The right sleeve has a checker-board pattern of Carolina blue and a darker blue. The left sleeve is solid Carolina blue. The front of UNC's warmups are simple and classy with a smal NC logo on the left breast. The Terrapins are wearing UnderArmour windsuits...of course. U.A. orginated out of College Park, and the company has taken care of the Terrapins for years. Stylish, but the black and red color scheme doesn't do it for me. They look like black widows, but not nearly as intimidating or freakish.
-The pre-game walk out ritual of the Tar Heels has taken on a life of its on. The Heels huddle right in front of the tunnel exit and proceed to yell and shout like rabid dogs. Perhaps it pumps them up, but they look foolish; just foolish I say. And to the Dean Dome PA audio crew: we don't need to hear this event at max volume in the stands. This ain't NASCAR; we don't need to "crank it up" here.
-I have just moved from my awesome seat right behind the basket to the upper-level press row. This was not because I was in the wrong seat or because I didn't have proper credentials, but because the writer from South Boston, Virginia weighs no less than 400 pounds...seriously...it's ridiculous.
-Game action! Ellington and Green are on...this is good. Do not fear the Turtle
-12:03: Tyler was just flagrantly fouled. Fear him. He will kill you. With his eyes. He is a freaking psycho. Well there's 2 more points for 'Brough. Why did Maryland think it a prudent idea to piss him off?
-5:05: We are on fire. I mean scorching. I haven't seen 3-point shooting this insane since I use to put in cheat codes on the "Double Dribble" Nintendo game. Oh, there's another one; atta baby Wayne. MAKE IT WAYNE! This is ridunkulous. I think we're 10-14 behind the arc now.
-End half: It’s just as disturbing to see Maryland throw up 44 points in one half as it is awesome that Carolina dropped 60. Oh well, let’s see what happens in the 2nd. Wayne Wonder scored 21 himself. What a man.

Muffin Press Pass: UNC vs. MD -PRE GAME

2009-02-03T18:44:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first installment of the Muffin Press Pass. Since I'm already covering the home basketball games for WCHL, I decided to cover them for MM as well. The posts will be updated while at the Dean Dome. They will be mostly non-informative and loosely fact-based...enjoy. First up tonight: Maryland comes to town for what I assume will be a good old fashioned smack down. I predict Hansbrough goes for no less than 27 points, the Heels win by no less than 20, and Gary Williams blows multiple blood vessels in his head, neck and throat area. Here we go...

Happy National Squirrel Day!

2009-01-21T13:47:00.000-06:00

--Today, we honor America’s favorite rodent: the Squirrel. "National Squirrel Appreciation Day" was founded in 2001 by Asheville native, Christy Hargrove who is an animal rehabilitation specialist. Way to go Christy.

--The Squirrel already holds a place of honor in Muffin Matters history. Some of you may remember a post from July, in which we counted down “America’s Top-5 Animals.” The Squirrel came in at number 5. Fantastic.

--North Carolina natives are especially familiar with the squirrel, and anyone who has stepped foot on the campus of UNC has gotten their share of squirrel interaction. There are several different squirrel species in America, but those that live in the southeast are most familiar with the Eastern Gray Squirrel. Squirrels are very clever and can be trained and hand fed.

--Most little-known holidays just piss me off because they are absolutely pointless and fail to amuse me. Take for example National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day (January 11th). If you stepped in a puddle and splashed me, you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. You’d be just another hippie trying to take over the world with stupidity. How about “National Tap Dance Day” (May 25th)? If you want to celebrate this holiday by dancing around like a fairy in special “tapping shoes,” then be my guest, but I warn you: the only person to EVER somehow make tap dancing cool was Bill Cosby (you’ve got to check this video out). None of us are as cool as Bill Cosby, so we shouldn’t even try. Lastly, consider “National Punch Day.” Now some of you may be getting excited like I did when I first saw this one. But, this is not a day where you’re suppose to go around punching people that annoy you, in the face. It’s a day for frickin’ punch: [puhnch]- n. a beverage consisting of wine or spirits mixed with fruit juice, soda, water, milk, or the like, and flavored with sugar, spices, etc. Used in a sentence, “Whoever invented punch day should be stripped of their clothes, strapped down to a table, and covered with rabid SQUIRRELS.”

--Now, The Squirrel is a deserving little mammal that has earned the recognition. Too often, The Squirrel is only discussed when it’s flattened on a major highway or when it tries to eat bird seeds in your front yard. Maybe the squirrel has created havoc in your perennial flower garden, or maybe it has invaded your home as an unwelcome guest, but the squirrel has never meant any harm. It has only wanted your love. Well Squirrel, this is your day. Congratulations. You’ve earned it. From your silly alcohol abuse problems , to "Twiggy's" amazing water skiing, to your knack for delaying sporting events, we salute you.

Notes: Congrats Barack, snow, etc.

2009-01-19T11:37:00.000-06:00

--The Muffin Matters staff has received several complaints due to the lack of presidential coverage. On behalf of the entire organization, I would like to apologize and explain. We here at M.M. celebrate the election and inauguration of Barack Obama as we will any future presidents. Our policy, from inception, has been simple and straightforward. Here at Muffin Matters, we don't discuss political leanings, religion, or the inner-workings of the female brain. It's just better this way. Once again, we do congratulate Barack Obama and wish him the best.

--One thing I will say on a personal note is that we should all get more involved in local and state elections. These elections will impact our day-to-day lives more than the presidential elections ever will. This is not an opinion; it is a fact. I read it. On Wikipedia.

--Moving on, significant snow has been forcasted in the Triangle of North Carolina for the first time this winter. I for one, am terrified. I plan on buying no less than 5 gallons of milk and 10 loaves of bread. I am going to a hardware store, and I'm going to buy chains to strap to the tires of my Sentra. My roommates and I are going to install a fireplace in our living room, and we're going to buy 3 kerosene heaters. We're also going to purchase a generator for when the power inevitably fails. We're going to round up volunteers to check on women and children during this monstrous winter weather event. If you're older than 80-years-old, I have bad news...you will not make it through this storm. As for the roadways...as soon as one-eighth of an inch of frozen precipitation falls, the roads will become impossible to travel on. Stay home, and let the professionals that drive those news vans around travel the roads. As I mentioned earlier, we don't discuss religion here on M.M., but if you aren't religious, you might want to start being so now. 2-4 inches of snow people. Don't chance it.

My Grandfather bought us goats

2008-12-30T14:27:00.000-06:00

-Every now and then a thought or memory crosses my mind that I feel compelled to pass along before I forget it.

-This is one such occurrence.

-When my brother, my cousins and I were younger, we would visit our grand-daddy Jim and grand-mother Dolores down in Kings Mountain each summer for a week or so. Sometimes me and Brad would be there the same time as our cousins Michael and Robbie. Sometimes we would be there different weeks.

-Anyway, Grandmother and Granddaddy always wanted us to have a good time so they would have stuff lined up to entertain us. Sometimes it was ice cream, sometimes it was putt-putt, sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was cards. And sometimes, it was goats.

-Grandaddy has had a barn for as long as I've been around. Mostly, he's had cows and horses. He almost exclusively raises cows just as a hobby. He's gone to livestock auctions (sale barns) forever, and he'll go for as long as he can I suppose. At these sale-barns, you can get all kinds of livestock...including GOATS!

-Well Jim figured (rightly so) that we would enjoy having a pet goat for the weeks we came to visit. And why not? They're cheap, easy to take care of, and they can keep a kid busy; especially one as simple-minded and as easily entertained as me.

-I guess we should have taken his advice when he said, "don't go getting to attached to that goat. He/she won't be around long."

-Well, I didn't listen. I almost ALWAYS named the booger Billy. I would feed Billy hay, I would feed Billy grass, I would pet Billy, I would run around with Billy, and I would take Billy for walks...Have you ever tried walking a goat? It's basically like hooking a cat to a leash...they ain't made for taking on walks. Anyway, I'd get attached to the goats, and it would almost always end poorly.

-Sometimes the goats would be treated to the finest lodging experience in one of Jim's old trailers. Other times, the goats would be treated to a rope and a tree. Let me tell you something my friends; these "Billy's" were up against heavy odds. If they got the royal treatment in the trailers, they would either be targeted by the "foreign" people down the road who had a "fancy" for goat delicacies, or they would be at a sale barn the next week going to God knows where entertaining some other redneck ankle-biter looking to party down at the barn. However, these "trailer" goats were the lucky ones.

-It was the other "Billy's" who didn't have it so good and who are now "baa-aaa-a-ing" with the angels. It was these guys that got the rope and tree treatment. Don't get the wrong idea; Granddaddy Jim never planned for the goats to get hurt, but things just happened. Anyway, it is now crucial to the story that I mention that Jim and Dolores live in a part of North Carolina that had an overly large population of wild, stray dogs at the time. Wild stray dogs are ruthless hunters of the American southeastern plains. They hunt by sense of fear. They intimidate just as many potential prey into submission as they do run them down. Friends, a "goat on a rope" is no challenge at all for a K-9 killer with the instincts of a honey badger.

-Needless to say, my childhood relationships with the Billy's were short lived and traumatic. Sometimes I would be told the stone-cold truth. Other times, I would be told nothing...The rope would be there when I went outside, but Billy would not. It was a tough lesson in reality that I'm glad I got. Things aren't always peachy. Sometimes, things get rough and tough. Sometimes a pet goat is more vulnerable than a candy bar at Fat Camp.

-I may have a pet or two in the future. I may buy a dog or get a fish aquarium. I may throw a hamster in a plastic orb. But I don't know if I'll ever have another goat. At least not right now. It's just too soon

What are we to make of this?

2008-12-19T20:29:00.001-06:00

--Sometimes here on Muffin Matters, we analyze subjects to determine their American-ness or Un-American-ness. Other times, it is very clear.

--I don't know that I have ever seen anything as American as this dog. It is proud. It is confident (borderline cocky but not quite). It is a sharp dresser. It is AMERICAN.

--I discovered this dog on a brilliant website that also celebrates the joys of everything American. If you have a chance, you must check out http://countdownla.wordpress.com/. It depicts the experiences, ideas, and thoughts of a Carolina alum as he prepares to travel west in search of good fortune, women and whiskey. Solid read. Enjoy!

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I hate hippies, how about you?

2008-12-07T21:20:00.000-06:00

Section I: The introduction of the problem

Dictionaries and encyclopedias cannot define,
What make hippies mortal enemies of mine.
So now I’m going to write and rhyme,
And tell you why they are out of line.

But before I start, I want to say,
I’m going to write this poem, my way.
Syntax, alliteration, assonance, consonance, and rhyme schemes be danged,
The main point is that hippies tick me off and make me want to puke.

Hippie, you seek to rid yourself of societal restrictions in the Land of the Free,
But you constantly refuse to do the courtesy of ridding Myself of Thee.
Bus stop, train stop, the college quad, post office and the mall,
Your baggy clothes and dirty hair are on display for all.

Your looks and external appearance are just the start,
It’s your political views that make me want to fart.
You question authority, challenge gender differences, and often do drugs,
But instead of voting or mobilizing, you prefer giving unwanted hugs.

Section II: Hippies have problems, not solutions

Some say hippies are harmless,
Why waist my time
Merle Haggard said it best,
They’re simply out of line

It went something like this-
“When you’re running down our country…”
This part you can’t miss
“You’re walking down the fighting side of me”

Peace, saving the environment, and running down this country,
They are the biggest of your most sacred, timeless creeds.
But you do not organize and instead insist on the free,
The free love that leads to the planting of tainted seeds.

You’re pacifists! You’re pacifists! We get it,
You all think you’ve seen the light.
Leave me alone; make sure your bong is lit,
Fact is, you’re too stoned to fight.

Section III: If you’re offended, you offend me

Some will be offended
By these subtle words of mine.
But anti-American sentiments
Send shivers up my spine.

How many times do you need to be reminded
That several countries don’t do so well.
In other places,
Your off-handed comments would land you in jail.

I guess the truth is that it doesn’t really matter,
What you hippies think of me.
With flowers in your hair and yellow in your belly
I could never take you seriously.

Section IV: In conclusion

You stink, you’re dirty, you’re ridiculous, you suck
You’re inconsequential, you’re ugly, you’re soft, you suck
You waist our time, you look funny, you act funny, you suck
You’re unappreciative, you’re silly, you’re a joke, you suck

Ok, ok,
I think I’ve calmed down.
Since I can’t legally throw rocks at you,
I can write to get a smile out of a frown.

NEW YORK TIMES SPECIAL REPORT (taken from Saturday's edition): Muffin Matters administration battles recession

2008-12-06T09:51:00.000-06:00

December 06, 2008
DURHAM, NC
--The ever-worsening national recession has finally reached the front office of Muffin Matters LLC. CEO Casey Sturgill finally addressed the media Saturday morning after a 2-month long website absence.
--"I apologize to the loyal readers of Muffin Matters. In these bleak economic times, the one thing we can't stand to lose is a steady dose of Americana. We have not been providing that, and I take full responsibly for this situation" said Sturgill during a brief but upbeat press conference in Durham, North Carolina late Friday night.
--Sturgill cited the growing employment crisis as the primary culprit of Muffin Matters' recent inefficiency. Every staff member at Mufffin Matters LLC is part-time, and Sturgill said his employees are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. As a result, the staff has been unable to meet previous quotas. Sturgill himself had been out of work since September 15th. He has recently been employed at a local landscaping company, but his period of unemployment nearly brought Muffin Matters to its knees. Sources say Sturgill battled mental instability after failing a Walmart assesment for employment. Walmart officials were contacted in late November. They told reporters that Sturgill had contacted them on several occassions angry and seemingly drunk. "He told us that Arkansas (Walmarts home state) sucks, and that it should be nuked off the face of the planet. We also believe that he is the one that called us 12 nights in a row asking if our refrigerators were running. And we're fairly certain, due to similar slurring speech patterns, that he is the one who called twice asking for a full refund for his entire life-spendings at our store because he said we were hippies. Had to be him."
--Sturgill denies Walmart's claims but does admit failing the presumably elementary and simple employee assesment test. "To those that say Walmart ruined my life...Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. Am I pissed? Sure I'm pissed. A drunken monkey with a reading disability could pass that exam, and I failed it. However, that is not the reason I shut myself off from the world wide net web for 2 months." Sturgill was removed from the podium shortly after his comments on Walmart due to what appeared to be an emotional breakdown.
--The exact size of Muffin Matters LLC is unknown and Sturgill once again refused to directly address that issue. When asked how many Americans Muffin Matters LLC employs, Sturgill responded, "Pick a number between 1 and 10."
--The size of Muffin Matters LLC has been an issue before. In August of 2007, the IRS threatened to levy steep fines on the company, but Sturgill and the IRS settled the dispute outside of court over a cup of coffee and a screening of "True Grit" starring John Wayne. An IRS spokesman later said, "We like the way he thinks. We're going to give him another shot. Worse case scenario, we demand another meeting just to see what spectacular classic American film he chooses to have coffee over."
--New posts are expected on the website within 48 hours, and Sturgill pledged to sell his majority ownership of the LLC if that deadline is not met.

-Hugh Damnright, The New York Times
-for more updates stay posted at http://www.nytimes.com/jk/lol!/omg/wtf